Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 29 In-depth analysis of depression (12)
Sometimes, "knowing" will become a means to maintain self-esteem and eliminate symptoms, and sometimes, "knowing" can also become the last bargaining chip for patients to fight against reality.At this time, he did not choose to "comprehend" because he had the "tenacity" of "not dying until the Yellow River, not turning back until hitting the south wall".When a person is controlled by the ego drive, fantasies become his "reality."So he will try his best to maintain this fantasy castle. Even if the reality is in front of him, he will still not give in, and will still struggle to support it.A male patient, although he knew that he could not surpass all people and settle everything smoothly, and he also clearly realized that the purpose of his various behaviors was to maintain his pathological conceit, but he was unwilling to give up all kinds of maintenance of conceit s hard work.Although he is exhausted and full of loopholes, although he is at the end of his strength...but he is still "persistent".Because these patients have not yet hit the "south wall", they are still "unrepentant".But since it is a "bubble", it will burst one day.Therefore, only reality can "educate" him, and only reality can "cool down" him.When he sincerely repents, it is the best time for treatment.Just like a gambler, he may not repent until his family is ruined. As long as he has a penny left, he always fantasizes that he can "turn over".

Self-conceit drive is like a criminal full of crimes, it will not easily obey the law, nor will it easily bow to "reasons", even if all kinds of "facts" and "evidences" are placed in front of it, it will not Will easily "bow your head and plead guilty".Driven by the ego drive, some patients will feel as if they are knights whose martial arts have been abolished.Although he can't "fly over the wall" now, he still doesn't regard himself as a "mediocre person", and believes that it is the "symptoms" that prevent him from "making a comeback", and it is precisely because of the "symptoms" that he cannot become a "true It is precisely because of the "symptoms" that he "does nothing"... Even though various facts show that he is not as omnipotent as he thinks, he is just an ordinary person, but he just refuses to admit it , and still fantasize that if it wasn't for the symptoms, maybe he would have gone to a better university, would have a better job, would have been more respected, wouldn't have had this man as his wife (husband), and wouldn't have lost his life Pingyang... So, he likes to treat himself as a patient, such as I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, phobia or anxiety disorder.Because he regards himself as a patient, he can find a step for himself that does not have "revival" and "blockbuster".The subtext here is: It's not that I'm incapable, it's that I'm sick. If I'm not sick, I can rule the world again.At this time, he can attribute all failures and setbacks to his "sickness", so that he can escape the blow to his self-esteem from reality.So he would rather be a "patient" than a mortal.

A male patient thought that he was very smart and different since he was a child, and he had always been concerned by teachers and classmates because of his good studies.Therefore, he is very confident in his ability to do things, and believes that one day he will be able to make a fortune.Later, as he grew older, he slowly discovered that success not only comes from the ability to do things, but also from the ability to be a person.From then on, in addition to paying attention to his studies, he began to pay attention to his own interpersonal communication. Unexpectedly, this was the beginning of his nightmare.From focusing on relationships, he became extremely nervous in front of people because he couldn't be perfect, and he couldn't always be grand.At the same time, he also began to pay attention to his shortcomings, such as height, body shape, and balding hair, and later found that his eyesight was also a little abnormal.One day, he suddenly discovered that he had peripheral vision, and then he began to worry that the peripheral vision would be discovered by others, which would affect the other party.Since then, he has spent every day in tension, and therefore has no interest in studying.As a result, he was not admitted to the ideal university, nor did he have an ideal job in the future.But the story is not over yet, so he became like an unsuccessful scholar, resenting the symptoms that made him what he is today, and fantasizing about how "dominant" he would become without symptoms.Although he lives an ordinary life, he still does not admit that he is an ordinary person, and still thinks that he has practiced "evil martial arts", which is why he has "lost all martial arts" today.In the following days, he has been trying his best to "kill" Yu Guang, so that he can "return to the rivers and lakes".

In fact, he didn't reflect on it, and his attention to Yu Guang itself came from his "greed".It is precisely because of the "martial arts" in interpersonal relationships that "normal" is regarded as "abnormal", and it is precisely because of the need to win the affirmation of everyone that one is so worried that one's "abnormal" will affect others. others.Although all the evidence shows that he is not different, and maybe he will admit that he is a mortal, but deep down in his heart he is still pretentious, and still has a kind of "tiger falls into the plains" sadness.Therefore, in order to make the self-conceit drive "obey the law", we must get rid of all these excuses and efforts to find "scapegoats", bow our heads in front of reality, and admit our ordinaryness and incompetence, instead of using some seemingly reasonable reasons In defense of pathological conceit.

In order for this "criminal" to obey the law, its various lies and tricks must be exposed.Otherwise, it will still think that it is "wronged", and will not "repent" for its crimes sincerely, nor will it truly "abandon the dark and turn to the bright".Some patients always say: I understand everything, but I just can't get out of the symptoms (anxiety, depression, fear).In fact, he only "understands" with his mouth, but he is still "confused" in his heart. Ms. A is very worried that her nervousness will "infect" others. When others are nervous around her, she feels very guilty, thinking that she has influenced the other party.Maybe we think she is a kind person, but her kindness is not for serving the other party, but just a means to win praise from others.So, the more "kind" she is, the more selfishness she reflects. Mr. B is very conservative about the relationship between the sexes. He sneered when he saw his cousin having a few girlfriends.Perhaps we would think of him as a man of high morality, whose "morality" was merely an effort to maintain his image of a saintly purity. Mr. C does not tolerate his shortcomings being discovered by others, does not accept that he is surpassed by others, and cannot face that he is a mediocre person.Maybe we think he is a self-motivated person, but his "motivation" does not come from loving himself, but from hating himself-he hates that he has not reached the perfection he imagined. Ms. D, when she was in pain, she still had to be happy, when she cried, she still cared about her appearance, and when she needed someone to comfort, she still suffered alone.Maybe we will think that she is an independent and mature person, but her "maturity" is just a performance, just a means to maintain a perfect image... Human behavior always has a purpose, and so do symptoms!When the patient is driven by the ego drive, he always acts innocent, thinks he is a victim, and always fantasizes about what will happen if there is no symptom one day.In fact, he did not reflect that the symptoms were just a means to achieve the goal, or that the desire was not fulfilled in reality.Everything is not groundless, we have to see the essence through the phenomenon.

A male patient is always afraid of losing something important, which will be used by criminals to bring bad results to himself.Although he knew that the important thing he invented didn't exist, and he didn't lose things so easily, but reason just couldn't convince his "heart".In fact, he used to be very afraid of driving, afraid that he would be photographed for violating traffic rules, and even afraid that he would hit someone without knowing it.As a result, he dared not go out of the house, because only hiding at home can prevent danger from happening.At the beginning of treatment, he would still find various reasons to justify his pathological behavior, such as others not worrying because it is not easy for others to lose things; because I am anxious about this, the probability of bad things happening will be high; my He is timid and has a bad personality, that's why he is like this... But from a realistic point of view, he has lived for nearly 40 years and has never bumped into anyone, never lost important things, and has never been hurt by others.In other words, he is not unlucky than others, but much luckier than others (his studies and careers are very successful).So why should he worry about things that no one else worries about?
Later, I gave an example: two people also have 100 million yuan, one of them is very satisfied, but the other feels that he is poor and a failure.

I asked him: "What do you think of this situation?" He said: "It should be related to their frame of reference and pursuit." I then asked: "Isn't this example the epitome of you? Your safety factor is not Not lower than others, because you live in a high-end community, but you will be higher than some people, why do others feel safe, but you feel unsafe?"

He was speechless... Finally, he had to admit that his behavior was a pathological one, and his stubborn pursuit of security was also a pathological pursuit.And he also said that the sense of security he expected does not exist in this world, but he still feels fear, anxiety, and uneasiness because of it... In fact, he only stays at the level of "knowing".He thinks he understands, understands, and understands, but in fact he has not really comprehended.His "knowing" is only to use a "universal value" to measure his behavior and pursuit. At this time, he admits that he is wrong, but his anxiety and evasion behavior come from his "personal value", or It is said that his "irrationality" implies "rationality".He is called "irrational" because his actions and pursuits are not in line with "universal values", and he is called "rational" because his actions and pursuits are in line with his "personal values" - he is just maintaining A world of absolute security.His anxiety and uneasiness are just a reflection of his "wish" not being fulfilled in reality.Therefore, we can only truly understand our anxieties, fears, and depressions only when we slowly understand our "personal values" (pathological requirements).And only by giving up this morbid requirement can we live in peace with ourselves and the world.

For a person with pathological low self-esteem, although he knows that the idealized self he is looking for does not exist, it is still difficult to give up the illusion of the idealized self.Because he can't face his true self, he is doomed to struggle between reality and ideal.

A female patient lived with low self-esteem and fear all day long, because she was always good at discovering the advantages of others and her own shortcomings.Therefore, she always feels that she is very small in front of others, and she is worried that others will find her shortcomings, so she is always in a state of nervousness.When she had to face the crowd, she would sometimes consciously belittle others, telling herself that others were actually incompetent, useless, and dirty.She was able to relax a bit when she put others down, but this method quickly failed.

Later, through therapy, she realized that in reality, she was no worse than others. After all, many girls who were not as beautiful and capable as her did not have low self-esteem.Others are not so "great", after all, others also have many shortcomings and deficiencies.The crux of the problem lies in her long-standing fantasy. Since she was a child, she has imagined that she has become perfect, versatile, attracting attention, and both internal and external.But in reality, she is always difficult to achieve, so in reality, she can always find her own shortcomings, such as singing is not good enough, body is not good enough, eloquence is not good enough, smile is not natural enough... In short, she is always critical of herself , and because of the transference effect, she thinks that others will belittle her in the same way, so she also fears others.When I asked her if anyone had ever been as perfect as she fancied, she was well aware that this was a goal beyond the reach of humans.Although she also knows that she has been "cultivating Taoism and becoming a fairy", she still cannot give up her "persistence"; although she also knows that she is just a "crow" painted with white paint, she still dare not take off the disguise .

If you can't really comprehend "letting go", you can't give up the "greed" deep in your heart, just choose "know", you can't stop the war in your heart, and you can't achieve real healing.When we can see through our lies, when we can see the truth of symptoms, when we can remove the disguise, when we can truly understand "letting go", then we can live a real life and get real healing.

True Healing: Returning to Your True Self
What is real healing?True healing is not just the elimination of symptoms, but the return of the true self.When a person stops the inner war and can live a real life instead of pursuing an idealized self and accepting the real self, we can say that he has been truly healed.The false cure is only the relief of symptoms, not the return of the real self.For example, a person who is afraid of taking exams, speaking, failing, and being rejected by others, when he finally graduates, no longer ranks, and finally no longer needs to speak in public, his anxiety and depression are greatly relieved.It seems that he is cured, but in fact he is still "sick", he just escaped, not accepted.In a relatively peaceful environment, he can live as well as others, but when the environment changes, such as interpersonal problems, being surpassed by others, being rejected by others, imperfections exposed to others, or found In the reality that people will always grow old and die, seemingly small problems can become the fuse of their inner war.This is the reason why the treatment only for the symptoms itself, or the drug treatment, is easy to relapse-the patient's inner conflict still exists, the whole person is still bound by the morbid self-conceit, and still lives in the illusion of an idealized self.

When a person can accept the true self, he doesn't have to force himself to be perfect in everything, and he doesn't have to care too much about other people's opinions. Although he still has a desire for success in his heart, he can already face it calmly. Failed.He knows that he is just an ordinary person, an ordinary person cannot do well in everything, and is destined not to be affirmed by everyone.But this does not mean that ordinary people have no value and meaning of life. After all, the meaning of life is not to blindly prove how strong you are, nor to blindly win the affirmation of others, but to do what you like and love what you love Loved ones, that's all.So he doesn't have to deliberately please someone, and he doesn't have to cultivate himself to be "perfect", and of course he doesn't have to suppress his emotions to make himself look "friendly", and he doesn't have to worry about his failures or shortcomings being exposed to others. Because of their "shortcomings", they fall into low self-esteem or depression.

He has become stronger, not because he can overcome everything, but because he is aware of his fragility; he has become wiser, not because he can understand everything, but because he is aware of his ignorance; he has become He became more sincere, not because he never lied, but because he realized that he also had a false side; he became more kind, not because he could save all sentient beings, but because he realized his ugly side; He becomes more successful, not because he is invincible, but because he realizes that he cannot escape failure; he becomes safer, not because he can control everything, but because he realizes that he has been living in an unknown place. For sure... In short, he became a real person, not a perfect god.

(End of this chapter)