Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 30 In-depth analysis of depression (13)
Finally, we conclude this section by quoting the opening paragraph of Horney's "Neurosis and Human Development":
Whatever the conditions under which the child grows up, as long as he has no intellectual defects, he has to deal with people in one way or another, and it is possible for him to acquire certain skills.However, there are also some powers that he cannot acquire innately, nor can he develop through acquired learning. You cannot teach an acorn to grow into an oak tree.Likewise, man can realize his unique potential if he is given a chance.Then he can develop unique energies to: clarify and deepen his emotions, thoughts, desires and interests; the ability to develop his own resources; the ability to strengthen his willpower; to discover special abilities or talents he already has; to express One's own ability to deal with others with spontaneous emotion.All this will enable him, sooner or later, to discover his worth and purpose in life.In short, he will fundamentally not go astray, but grow in the direction of self-realization.

Case: Psychoanalysis of a depressed patient
Self-report of growth experience:

Childhood life is like a movie when you think about it.Before I was born, my parents had already moved to the city for work reasons, and I was born shortly after.When I found out that I was a girl, my grandma reacted the most. She even asked my mother to give me away because she didn't like girls.Although I was only 3 catties when I was born, my body is pretty good, and my parents didn't worry about it.I was 3 years old in a blink of an eye, and my parents started a business. Although they didn't have much time to take care of me, my father would bring me a lot of delicious food every time he came back from a business trip.In fact, the family conditions were very poor at that time, but my father would satisfy me with everything I liked, and I was the princess of the family at that time.

When I was 4 years old, my lovely younger brother was born, and my parents were so busy to take care of my younger brother.But my mother said that I was very sensible when I was young, like a little adult, and sometimes tears rolled in her eyes when she saw me pitiful.

When I was 6 years old, because I had to go to school, my mother sent me back to my hometown, so I lived with my grandma like many left-behind children.Unexpectedly, this turned out to be the beginning of a nightmare.

Grandma is a very feudal person in the village, and she has to abide by many rules when living with her.Take eating as an example. Girls must sit down when eating at the table, chew slowly, use chopsticks correctly, and the elders must move the chopsticks first. Don't turn over dishes randomly, don't pick up bridge dishes, and don't speak loudly when eating. There must be no grains of rice dropped on the table... If she is in a bad mood, she will scold me at least, or beat me at worst.Slowly, I realized that grandma was not easy to serve, so I told myself to be good and obedient, which is what my mother kept telling me.Later, my grandma’s behavior became more and more unreasonable. At that time, I really missed my mother and wanted to go back to my mother. I was looking forward to my mother’s call. I finally received a call from my mother, but what I heard was my mother’s chatter.As I listened, I wiped my tears, and told myself not to worry my mother, but to be sensible... Gradually, my grandma’s behavior frightened me more and more. She often beat me for no reason. Blue and purple.If someone asks, I don't dare to speak out. In fact, I also tried to tell my aunt and uncle, but it didn't work. No one could help me.

At that time, I often fantasized under the quilt that one day our family will live together, eat together as a family, and be very happy.But in reality, I can only hide in bed and cry, feeling very pitiful, no different from a child without parents.I don’t know when “hate” entered my young heart—I hate my grandma for treating me like this, my neighbors for always making fun of me, and my parents for being so cruel.

When I was 9 years old, my mother sent my brother back.The younger brother has fair skin, is chubby, likes to laugh, and is quite cute.

After my brother came back, of course grandma liked him very much, and I had no place at home.Every time I fight with my younger brother, if there is a dispute, the person who is at fault must be me, and then it is the family law. Every time I go to take the blame, I hate my younger brother.Of course, the younger brother can't avoid grandma's family law sometimes, but he is always very mischievous and escapes with a playful smile.I think I'm stupid, every time I confront my grandma, I'm the one who gets hurt in the end.I was really scared of being beaten. I like to go to the mountains to play after school. In fact, I don't want to hear grandma's voice, nor do I want to see her.I don't want to do many of the things she arranged, but in order not to be beaten, I will still finish the laundry and cook the rice, but in the end I still can't escape her clutches.

When I was 11 years old, I was really desperate—I felt helpless in the face of my mother, the devil grandma, my younger brother who beat me up, and the ridicule of the people around me. I continue to hold on.So I secretly took the pesticide used by grandma to kill insects, and wanted to solve all this with death.But at the moment when I actually swallowed the powder, I cried very sadly. In fact, I didn’t want to die at all. I thought of my mother, if I died, the beautiful life I imagined would never come.Maybe God was pitying me. The next day I opened my eyes and saw the world again, and everything was as peaceful as if nothing had happened.After that time, I never committed suicide again, because I was unwilling to die like this.

This kind of life was maintained until the second year of junior high school. After discussing with my mother, I insisted on moving out to live in the vacant house of my uncle's house and start a new life with my brother.Although the house is only 200 meters away from my grandma's house, I also feel relieved.At that time, I was still very young, but I was timid and wanted to be brave in front of my younger brother. When my younger brother did something wrong, I was an adult, but when my younger brother missed his mother, I was very strong... People around me also began to talk about it, and some joked about it. Yes, some accuse us, and more sympathize with us.But then I was avoiding it all, hating the way people around me pitied us.

When I was 16, I deliberately went to a school far from home.In those few years at school, I was also groggy, with no goals, no direction, and I was still a timid girl with low self-esteem.I liked the boy at the same table for two years, but I had a crush on him for two years, and there was no result in the end.I'm also always hiding myself among my friends because I feel like I'm a demon.

After entering society, I still live in my own world, full of fear.I feel that my childhood was worse than others, I feel that I am not as beautiful as my cousin, and I am not as smart as my brother, so I am not likable.In addition to work, I am thinking about the rest of the time, how can I get rid of this self that I don't even like?How can I make myself more active?How do I keep people from thinking I'm stupid?What can be done to make things better?What should I do to make everyone around me like me... These have become my pursuits.But at that time, I had already lost myself. If I did well, I should have done it well. If I didn’t do well, it proved my grandma’s harsh words on me. "No excuses" became my motto.

In the process of getting along with my colleagues, I always played the role of "good guy". Later, when I became a store manager, I was even more tired and doubted myself.I am very envious of other people's performance, and I will imitate others unconsciously.At work, I was also very rigid, anxious, and worried, and I didn't even know where my true self was.When other people are chatting hotly together, I really want to join but don't know how to do it. Even if I join, I feel that I am fake.As a result, I am so contradictory, anxious, and sensitive. What others say seems to be related to me. I will think about how to do everything so that it will not be bad. After I do it, I feel that doing it If it is not good enough, even if it is done well, I will think it is fake.In fact, it hurts me a lot, but I don't know what to do!
(End of this chapter)