Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 31 In-depth analysis of depression (14)
Later, I met my lovely husband, and I was cautious about getting along with him. While immersed in touch and happiness, I doubted the authenticity of all this.The happiness that is clearly in front of me makes me unable to experience happiness.Although I have always longed for happiness and a happy family, but after having all this, I began to suspect that all this is fake and unreal. Do you really love me... Self-analysis:
When I was young, only my grandma took care of me, and she was my dearest person.So I must care about her attitude towards me, longing for grandma's love, but grandma's "love" terrifies me.When I was with my grandma, many things happened. These things made me very helpless and made me live cautiously throughout my childhood.When I was growing up, I couldn't see the good things about myself. I always belittled myself and compared my shortcomings with others.Although grandma doesn't like girls, grandma likes it very much when my cousin comes here once in a while, so I am more sure that everything is caused by me and that I am not good.When I grew up, I always hoped that everyone around me would like me, so that I could prove that I wasn't as bad as my grandma said.In fact, in this way, we artificially set a narrow circle for ourselves, and live according to the way of self-protection.When I am doing something, no matter how small it is, I have to make myself do it well, but even if I do it well, I can always find someone who can do it better than me, and I will force myself next time Do it better... Actually, it's all about avoiding people finding me stupid.But the more I do it, the more nervous I feel.

During this period of time, when I was doing things, I kept telling myself: If I didn’t do a good job, it’s nothing. Don’t knock yourself down just because you didn’t do a good job.Sometimes when someone is around, I suddenly become tense and don't know what to say, and I can clearly feel that I am berating myself again.In fact, at this time, I felt that what this "poor girl" needed was sympathy rather than harshness.It was so unfair that I still treated myself like this when I met an unreasonable grandma.

Now, after psychological counseling, I have a deeper understanding of myself, and my views on everything around me have also undergone subversive changes. Although I have not completely come out of depression, but in "Sometimes the key to success is that despite the prospects We are not optimistic, we still do not give up our efforts!" Encouraged by me, I am still making unremitting efforts.In the past, we struggled in pain, persisted in despair, and frustrated in fear... These are only a small part of life, and it is also a process of growth.But anyway, I know, I need to slowly learn to love myself!
My analysis and suggestions:
From the patient's growth experience and self-analysis, it can be found that it is precisely because of the traumatic experience in the past that she did not accept her true self well.In her eyes, the real self is unlovable, failed, and unaccepted.Therefore, she constructed an idealized self in her heart, hoping to achieve the ideal self in order to win the affirmation of others.That's why she constantly pushes herself to be perfect when she is doing things.Her low self-esteem is due to not living up to her ideal self, not because she is really bad.But there is no such perfect person in the world as she imagined, so the more you force yourself to be perfect, the more you hope to be accepted by others, but it will be counterproductive.Only by giving up this pursuit of the idealized self can we learn to love ourselves—love the real self.

It is precisely because of her inferiority complex and self-hatred that she does not believe that others will really love her, nor does she believe that she can really do things well.Even if others treat her well, she will worry about losing it all, and even if she succeeds, she will think it all is fake.In fact, it wasn't that all of this was untrue, nor that she was incapable, but that he kept using "should" to criticize himself. (For example, I should be cheerful; I should be successful; I should be affirmed by everyone; I should do everything well and combine all the advantages) When the requirements of "should" are not met, she She will deny and doubt herself, and worry that others will find her "not good enough" and alienate her, or even abandon her.

So, even if she was successful, or loved by others, she would not believe it.After all, how can a person who does not truly accept and love herself believe that others truly love her?How can you believe in your ability to get things done?Therefore, her "feeling that she is fake" does not mean that she is a hypocritical person, but only her self-doubt and self-denial.In fact, it is not that she is a worthless person or unworthy of love, it is just that she has been living under the shadow of her "idealized self", so she feels that her "true self" is useless and has no value or merit.

"How can I get rid of this self that I don't even like? How can I make myself more lively? How can I not let others think I am stupid? How can I do things better? Everyone likes me?" It can be seen that she has blurred the boundary between "what kind of person I should be" and "what kind of person I am", and she has regarded "what kind of person should I be" as "I" has indulged in the fantasy of "I should".So she has become a "greedy" person. If she does well, she will feel that she should, but if she does not do well, it means that she is a loser.But only by "letting go" of fantasies and "letting go" of the desire of what kind of person I should be, can I have a normal heart that treats myself and others fairly.She has always been sensitive, anxious, and tense in interpersonal relationships, and what others say seems to be related to her.In fact, it is not others who have been paying attention to her or commenting on her, but she has been monitoring her words and deeds like a "judge".Because of this, she has a fear of being close to others, fear of rejection from others, fear of not performing well enough herself.Interpersonal communication has become a heavy burden for her, rather than an easy and pleasant thing. Therefore, she has not lived out her true self, but has been forcing herself to perform perfectly, subconsciously imitating those who are more beautiful in some aspects. excellent people.The key to breaking this vicious cycle is: dare to be ashamed, dare to behave badly, dare to fail, dare to be rejected by others, dare to expose your imperfections to others; dare to live your true self instead of acting perfect all the time Or imitate others... Only by living a real life and facing the reality, can we step out of the utopia of "what kind of person should I be" bit by bit, and live out our true self in a down-to-earth manner.

This world is so strange. The more students want to get good grades, the more likely they are to be nervous and malfunction. And nervous in front of others; the more people fantasize about how they want to be successful and how to have face, the easier it is to be unable to succeed or have face because of fear of failure and shame... The "secret" here is that the patient is actually unconscious He realizes that his "pursuit" has surpassed the goals that human beings can achieve-after all, no one can always do well, perform well, and be affirmed and respected by everyone.But when we fall into the fantasies of our idealized self, we will lose our minds, be driven by the "devil" in our hearts, and constantly fall into the pursuit of "honor", without reflecting that this is the root of pain.

When we can realize all this and wake up to the fact that we have been living in a fantasy world—that we are excellent, can surpass all the people around us, and can do all the things we want to do well, and be affirmed and respected by everyone. Recognize, and be able to have a good relationship with everyone around us... and let go of such illusions, so that we can find our true selves and return to our real lives.

Of course, it takes a long process to get out of fantasy and face reality.But when a person can stop the ego war, stop the pursuit of the idealized self, when he can live the real life instead of acting perfect, it is only a matter of time before he finds the real self.But all of this should not just stay at the level of "knowing", but must reach the "sensation" deep in the heart in order to achieve real healing.

(End of this chapter)