Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 32 Depression and Relationships (1)
depression and relationships

This book is devoted to depression, but depression and relationships are inextricably linked.The way a person treats himself is likely to be the way he treats others, and similarly, the way a person treats others can also reflect how he treats himself.If a man is hard on others, he is no better on himself.If a person has not learned how to love himself, then he cannot truly love others.If a person does not dare to live authentically, then he cannot be sincere to others... Because of the existence of inner conflicts, it will affect our interpersonal relationships, and it will not allow us to recognize ourselves and others.

In fact, the external interpersonal relationship is a reflection of the internal self-relationship.When a person does not accept the true self, when a person lives in the fantasy of an idealized self all day long, his interpersonal relationship must not be real.Even though it looks good on the surface (as in, he maintains a perfect self-image on the surface), he doesn't really feel relaxed and safe in relationships.

Therefore, this chapter will explain in more detail how the idealized self affects and distorts our interpersonal relationships and how it distorts others in reality from the perspective of interpersonal relationships.

others look down on me

When we fall into depression, we become sensitive. Even the neutral words or attitudes of others will sting us, and it is easy for us to interpret it as a kind of contempt or denial of ourselves.This has also become an important reason for us to avoid social interaction.After all, the inner struggle is so strong, this kind of external contempt and negation is more likely to become the last straw that crushes us.Since other people are so "terrible", why do you still have to take the initiative to communicate with others?Might as well hide yourself.But if we really choose to hide ourselves, we will never have the chance to find out what the problem is!Is the negation of the outside world a real existence, or a subjective assumption?If we dare not face what we fear, we forfeit the possibility of growth.

Sometimes, this sensitivity almost reaches the level of "delusion".Even when others are chatting on the sidelines, we will worry that we are talking about ourselves.This kind of worry almost controls our life, so that we will become too cautious and trembling in life.A patient commented on himself like this: "I am like a frightened little mouse in my life." In order to avoid the negation of others, he either chooses to escape or perform perfectly to hide his true self. Only in this way can others find no faults.Even so, he will not relax, after all, he can't do everything perfectly, and he can't get everyone's approval.

The reasons for the above problems may come from three aspects: external transfer, pathological demands, and elimination of self-hatred.

External transfer is a kind of imposing one's own ideas on others, thinking that others also have the same ideas as oneself.If we are more sensible, we will find that in life, not so many people pay attention to us, and not so many people have the energy and time to judge us. It is more just a kind of self-denial. It is not that others hate it. We, but we have been hating ourselves; it is not that others have not accepted us, but that we have not accepted our true self.A female patient, because she had sex with a married man when she was young, she thought that others looked at her abnormally, and others looked down on her, so when she transferred her job, she never dared to Connect with former colleagues.In fact, it's not that others have been thinking about this matter, but that she has never forgiven herself.What she is avoiding is not others, but a part of herself-she cannot face the past and the real self.Because of the existence of transference, the "others" in our eyes are no longer real others, and the behavior and attitudes of others have been "colored" by transference.In other words, the other person at this time is already processed and fabricated by us.Even when others show kindness and respect, we interpret it as sympathy or charity.Some patients asked me about my impressions and opinions on them. Even if I said something affirmative to them, it would be interpreted by them as: just a kind of comfort or encouragement to me, because you are a consultant, so you can say that. Not to be believed.A female patient who thought no one would like her.So in life she always hides herself, and tries to do everything well to get rid of inferiority complex.She also asks me how I feel about her in therapy, and when I say yes to her, she's happy at first, but then wonders if it's because I'm her counselor, and worries if I'm not Her counselors would not have been positive about her.In fact, it's not that I'm deceiving her, it's just that she selectively filters out her own advantages and things worthy of recognition.

Xueer used to work in a photography studio, and later she set up a photography studio and became her own boss, but this day became the beginning of her "nightmare".Because her studio is on the same street as the last studio she worked in, from the first day of opening, she has been burdened with a heavy burden of thinking that she has robbed the other party's business, so she is not a nice guy.Slowly, she began to worry that others would see her that way.In the end, she simply thought that others thought she was a bad woman, so she became very sensitive to other people's every move, every word and deed. Even when others were chatting, she was worried that she was talking bad about herself.

In fact, it may not be that others are really talking about her, it's just that she transfers her thoughts to others.A feeling of "guilty guilt" occurs when a person cannot forgive himself for his mistakes and imperfections, and then assumes that others see him in the same way.Such mistakes are not uncommon in clinical practice. For example, when an unconfident person talks to others, even if the other person frowns, he will worry whether the other party dislikes him.A person who insists on perfectionism will worry that others will deny him when he fails to achieve the perfect result he expected.When a person falls into self-centered thinking, he will think that everyone sees him that way, and even if there are different voices in his life, he will unconsciously filter them out.

To solve this external transfer, we first need to realize that the idea that others look down on us is just a subjective assumption, and only external transfer is at work.And we must also realize the existence of inferiority complex and self-hatred. It is precisely because of self-hatred that self-hatred will be moved outward.Therefore, only by giving up illusions can we see ourselves and others clearly.From another point of view, even if someone has a negative attitude towards us, so what?Do you need everyone's affirmation?Such a big "appetite" can only be satisfied in fantasy, not in reality.There is no one in this world who is affirmed and accepted by everyone, so why be sensitive to the negation of others.

Pathological Demands When a person is driven by a pathological ego, he makes all kinds of pathological demands not only on himself, but also on others.In his view, others should treat him well, respect him, love him, care about him, and take him as the center.If others do not do this, it is easy for him to understand it as a kind of negation or injury.In fact, the real situation is not that others are "hurting" him, but that he needs other people's "doting", and when others do not "dote" him, he will interpret it as hurt and contempt.So his so-called harm and contempt did not come from reality, but from others not meeting his pathological demands.A female patient felt that she was unique and perfect since she was a child.When she was seven or eight years old, she felt the neglect of her mother and sister, because she thought she deserved the meticulous love from others, and when she didn't get it, she would become angry and sulk.In her future life and work, she still requires others to "treat" her in this way. When others do not treat her as she expects, she will be dissatisfied with others.Although she hopes to improve interpersonal relationships, she often gives the impression of indifference and arrogance, so no one likes to get close to her.From then on, she began to look for "faults" in herself, thinking that it was because she was not perfect that she could not get the preferential treatment like a "princess".So she became quite hard on herself, not allowing herself to show a little nervousness and other socially detrimental "flaws".

Pathological demands are sometimes directed at oneself.When the patient thinks that he should be perfect, impeccable, and popular with everyone, he will be quite sensitive to his own performance, even if some insignificant problems will become "problems" under his attention.He may worry about whether his eyes are distracting to others, whether his breathing is offensive to others, whether his nervousness will be "contagious" to others, whether his behavior will make others think he is a thief, or blush Do you make the opposite sex feel that you like each other, worry that some of your defects will "radiate" to others, and then keep the other party away from you... In fact, such worry hides a huge "ambition".Because he wants to play himself flawlessly, he is so worried about anything that might affect his image.When he can't continue to perform perfectly, he will worry about the negation of others. This is actually just an outward transfer of self-hatred, and he hates himself for not being able to meet his "should".So all of this has nothing to do with others at all, it is completely a "black-box operation" in his mind.

So, we need to realize that others are under no obligation to treat you like that.It is the intention of others to treat you well, and it is the duty of others not to treat you as you expected.After all, you are not a "princess", and others are not your "servants".What's more, you are just an ordinary person, and it is impossible to be perfect in all aspects.Only by giving up this kind of morbid demand for others and oneself can we truly look at ourselves and others objectively, obtain an equal interpersonal relationship, and truly approach others, and only then can others truly approach you.

Eliminating Self-Hate Focusing too much on the question "Are others thinking of me?" is a problem in itself.Expecting too much to be appreciated by others is itself a sign of a person's lack of self-affirmation.On the one hand, people with pathological low self-esteem tend to move self-denial outward, thinking that others are easy to deny themselves; on the other hand, they also rely too much on external affirmation to eliminate inner self-hatred.The idealized self is like utopia, and his heart is full of dissatisfaction and negation of himself in this reality, so he urgently needs "reinforcement" (the affirmation of others) to eliminate the self-hatred in his heart.But the result of this is that he can easily become a "puppet" or "servant" of others, and dare not make even reasonable demands.Although he will also realize this, he still cannot refuse others, for fear of offending others.For him, the interpersonal relationship at this time is no longer a pure and equal relationship, but comes with a responsibility that the interpersonal relationship should not bear: eliminating self-hatred.Because it is easy to be used or despised by others, this "kind" person is actually full of anger and dissatisfaction in his heart, but in order to please others, he cannot express this dissatisfaction, so his interpersonal relationship is superficial and lacks depth.A female patient laughed at herself: "It's not too much to describe me as 'hard work' at work." She dared not refute the criticism of her leader, even though she was not responsible.Even when she doesn't like someone, she always has a smile on her face, she always does what her co-workers ask of her, and as a result she has to take on so much "extra" work on top of her regular job, so work and relationships It became very difficult for her.

Don't let relationships take on too much "responsibility." After all, relationships can't eliminate self-hatred, can't sustain ego, and even if they can, it's only temporary.A person's inner struggle can only be solved by himself, and he cannot achieve self-acceptance through the acceptance of others.So the worry about "others look down on me" is a kind of external transfer, not an objective reality.The cornerstone of friendship comes from self-acceptance, otherwise it can only be reduced to "neurotic friendship".Just like a female patient, she needs a "sick partner" at every period of her life, so that she will not appear strange.

everything is my fault
In a state of depression, it is easy for patients to take responsibility for the problem on themselves, even if they are not at fault, they always blame themselves for being bad.To give an extreme example, it is as if a person was stepped on, and it was originally the other party's fault, and he would blame himself for affecting the other party's foot.

When this happened, he would often get angry with himself, thinking it was his fault for the bad outcome.If he is rejected by the opposite sex, or betrayed by a friend, he will not objectively evaluate whether this result is caused by himself, or the responsibility of both parties, or is it a normal phenomenon (after all, no one can be friends with everyone or Lovers, inappropriate is also normal).He would only blame himself blindly, thinking that it was all because of his own mistakes, failures, shortcomings, and unlovability that led to such a result.Of course it would be very painful for him to do so, but he has been "habitually" like this.

A male patient, when he worked in a stationery store, sometimes had to make home deliveries for customers.He is very sensitive to his customers. If the other party is not enthusiastic towards him, he will not think that the other party is impolite. Instead, he will think that he is not good at talking and expressing himself.If the other party is enthusiastic about him, he starts to blame himself again, thinking that he has not shown corresponding enthusiasm, and feels that he is not polite enough.In short, it was difficult for him to be satisfied with himself.

"Everything is my fault!" In fact, it reflects the denial and rejection of the self in reality, and it also reflects the pursuit of being accepted and loved by everyone by correcting all of one's "wrongs".This kind of distorted self-denial is also a means to an end—to make oneself lovable, more popular, and become the ideal self.Therefore, patients will be extremely concerned about other people's opinions and evaluations of themselves, and will even be willing to compromise in order to maintain a "harmonious" interpersonal relationship.

A male patient, who has a very good interpersonal relationship and is friends with almost everyone, also proudly said: "Every year-end evaluation, I always score higher than the leader."But once, he had a conflict with a colleague.Although his friends reassured him that he doesn’t need to care, after all, no one likes this person, but he still can’t let it go. He has been thinking about how the other party sees him, and even “evaluates” the other party by inviting him to dinner and talking to him more. Have your views and attitudes changed?When he was at work, he would sometimes use his peripheral vision to observe the other person's words and deeds. Although he knew it was unnecessary to do so, he was still nervous all day long.

In fact, behind his "abnormality" is the "normality" he pursues inside.It is through perfect relationships that he maintains his superior self-conceit, so he cannot tolerate a little imperfection in relationships.

Self-denial and internalization of responsibility are often manifested in the form of "guilt" and "self-blame". Although from a practical point of view, he is not wrong, he is always unable to forgive himself.

A male patient picked up 100 yuan. At first he wanted to donate it to a charity organization, but he couldn't find a suitable donation organization. Finally, he decided to buy a common dumbbell for his dormitory classmates.A few days later, a classmate celebrated his birthday and needed everyone to raise money to buy him a birthday cake. At this time, he began to feel guilty.Because he thinks buying dumbbells is his own selfishness (he wanted to buy one), if he doesn't buy dumbbells, the money can buy a cake.In the end, in order to eliminate his guilt, he decided to buy birthday cakes for his classmates with his own money.In fact, his "selfishness" only violated the saint-like moral sense in his heart.

(End of this chapter)