Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 33 Depression and Relationships (2)
When patients cannot redeem their "sins" through "guilt" and "self-blame", they will have a strong sense of "guilt".A male patient is very sensitive to his own performance in social situations. When his expression is not calm and his eyes are not natural enough, he will be afraid of meeting people.First, he is afraid that others will deny him because of this, and second, he is worried that his nervousness will also be "infected" to others, especially when others are unnatural.At this time, he will think that he has influenced the other party, and it is because of himself that he has brought pain to the other party, so he has to stay away from others, and will experience a strong sense of guilt.Although he also hopes to win the affirmation and attention of others, when the people around him are friendly to him, it will also cause him strong anxiety, because he cannot return the kindness and enthusiasm of others as he expected. Guilt will find itself at the door again.In fact, his sense of guilt does not mean that he is "sinful", but just reflects his "noble sentiment".It is precisely because he has put forward "non-human" moral requirements for himself, and when he fails to meet them, he will experience such a strong sense of guilt.In fact, there is another advantage for him not to give up his sense of guilt—although his behavior did not meet his own requirements, his thoughts can still be "flawless", and he can still maintain a noble and pure self-image, and still The ego of the heart can be maintained through absolute purity.

Sometimes this guilt is so persistent that it's hard to reason with.Even though all kinds of evidence showed that he didn't need to blame himself, he just couldn't let it go.A male patient, because he is prone to nervousness, always thinks that others will be influenced by him.Once the bus he was in had an accident, and he blamed it all because he influenced the driver.Another female patient, she thought she was a dark cloud, which would affect where she went, so when several employees in her company resigned, she began to blame because she affected their emotions, That's why they choose to leave.Later, when she learned that a female employee resigned because of house renovation, she felt a little relieved.But she still stubbornly believes that even if she does not let others leave, it will affect the mood of others, so she is still a "sinner".So stubbornly thinking that he has influenced others, the implicit pathological requirement is: he cannot influence anyone, and he must leave a perfect impression on everyone.It is precisely because of this morbid demand that one "perseveres" with a sense of guilt, so that the fantasy of the idealized self will not collapse in the face of reality, and the sense of guilt can always be used to maintain the fantasy. own perfect image.

So we have to give up this means of maintaining self-esteem.After all, you can never correct all your "shortcomings", and you are destined not to be affirmed by everyone.Since this path does not work, it is necessary to give up this distorted internalization of responsibility.When our relationships with others become tense or things are not going well, don't deny yourself in the first place.We have to stop and think, who is responsible?Of course, we can't go from one extreme to the other, thinking everything is the other person's fault.But at least we have to treat ourselves fairly. Since others can make mistakes, why can't we make mistakes?Since others can be unpopular with some people, why do we have to be liked by everyone?Since everyone has failures and setbacks, why can't we face them?It would be nice if a person could really have no faults, make no mistakes, be popular with all, but this is only an illusion.So we have to give up such unrealistic fantasies and pursuits, and accept our true selves.When we can be tolerant to ourselves, we will find that it is not "everything is my fault!" Even if we make mistakes, we will not deny ourselves because of this.

The lingering "sense of camouflage"

A sense of camouflage, a feeling often experienced by patients.This feeling will make the patient less confident in his own performance-even if he is doing well, he is not sure whether he is really good or just pretending.Affected by this feeling, patients may even wonder whether their friendship and love acquisitions are all from pretense.The more he wanted to get rid of this sense of camouflage, the more this feeling lingered, as if a dark cloud was hanging over his head, making him who was originally unconfident even more anxious.

This sense of camouflage sometimes comes from three sources: the need to perform, self-deprecation, and perfectionism.

The need for performance has been introduced above. In order to pursue or maintain an idealized self-image, the patient must perform well in all things to meet the inner "normal" or "medium" requirements.In order to achieve what he called "ordinary", he ignored his own limitations as a person and forced himself to be what he called "ordinary" in every aspect.For example, people always have a selfish side. He will sacrifice himself for the "ordinary" standard in his heart, just like Lei Feng. Although he has suppressed a lot of dissatisfaction in his heart, in order to maintain his "saint" image, he has to eat. Dumb loss.But he is also a human being, he also has selfishness and needs for himself, and he also has times when he needs help from others.He also has weaknesses and inferiorities, but in order to play "God", he has devoted too much energy and time, and suppressed his true self.A male patient, even when he is in a bad mood, always has a smile on his face; even if he doesn't want to talk, he can force himself to be humorous; Words and deeds have discovered his "problems", so he dare not look into other people's eyes... Because he can't always perform impeccably, so daily life is simply suffering for him.

Patients sometimes feel anxious because they cannot perform their idealized self, and sometimes they are aware of their own disguise-in order to maintain their idealized self, they feel their own "deliberate"; in order to turn the advantages of others into their own, He is also aware of his "imitation"; he is also aware of his compromising and insincere words in order to please others.Therefore, he knows that many times he is no longer himself, but just plays himself perfectly.

This kind of self-depreciation mainly occurs in people with pathological low self-esteem, because he has denied everything about the true self and cannot see the value of the true self, so even if he performs well, he will attribute it to luck rather than strength .Even when he was successful or popular, there was always the fear that others would see through him.Because he is self-deprecating, he doubts everything, not only himself, but also others, and deep down he does not believe that he will succeed, or that anyone will really love him.Even when he shows his ability and cuteness, he always lacks "confidence" in his heart, and even feels that he has deceived everyone.Even if others like him, he will doubt other people's purpose.From this, we will find that this "pretend" is just a kind of uncertainty and non-acceptance of the true self, and it does not mean that he is a hypocritical person.

Perfectionism From the perspective of perfectionism, what is sincerity?What is camouflage?There is no [-]% sincerity in this world, nor is there a complete pretense.There is an element of camouflage between people, and the kind of people who insist on being [-]% sincere often bring real harm to people.Everything is relative, no one can always be sincere, even if you are insincere, it doesn't mean that everything you have is a disguise.So when we are trapped by a sense of disguise, we need to analyze the source of this feeling instead of self-doubting because of this feeling.Sometimes it is the fear of being rejected and denied that we artificially increase the level of sincerity, fearing that we will become a fake person, so we will work harder to pursue sincerity.In fact, the deliberate pursuit of sincerity is only "sincerity" for the sake of sincerity, and it is just to pretend to be "sincere" to win the affirmation of others.

When I fell into depression, I was also trapped by the sense of disguise.Then I finally realized: Feeling fake doesn't mean I'm a fake person, after all, feeling doesn't represent reality.Feelings are for analysis, not acceptance.The point is to discover where this feeling is coming from and not deny yourself because of it.

Unstoppable "anger"

In depressed states, patients experience intense feelings of anger, which may be directed at others or at themselves.Sometimes the anger is so intense it's hard to think about where it's coming from.Some people vent this outburst of anger, only to sink into deep guilt when they hurt someone else (sometimes someone close to them).Some people also hide their anger in order to maintain a "good image", although there is a backlog of dissatisfaction in their hearts.Sometimes because of the fear of failure in conflict, some people also suppress anger. Although suppressing anger can temporarily avoid conflict, this hidden anger does not disappear.This anger not only damages our emotions, but also our relationships.

So where does this anger at others and at ourselves come from?First, let's analyze anger with ourselves.For a pathological low self-esteem person, he tends to be angry with himself. Because of his inferiority complex and self-hatred, when he is not as perfect as he imagined, he will get angry with himself.For example, when he does not show "manly" courage, or is belittled or denied by others, it is easy to blame himself for not effectively fighting back against those who hurt him, and think that if he is a "man", he must not be so weak.He often doesn't consider the reality of the situation (such as not worth fighting for some trivial things), and just blindly gets angry with himself.For example, even if his lover empathizes with another person, he will not think that he is unlucky to meet an inappropriate person, he will only think that he is not cute enough and capable enough, and thinks that if he is cute enough and capable enough , all this will not happen; even if he shows a gentleman's demeanor and does not get angry with some people who are not worth paying attention to, he will think that he is cowardly and deceitful, so others dare to treat him like this; Instead of sympathizing with myself, I hate myself for my inability to avoid such harm, and so on.In fact, being angry at himself is also a manifestation of self-hatred. What he hates is that the self in reality is not as capable, attractive, and popular as he imagined...and because of self-deprecation, even if he wants to get angry at others, he can't. Does not consider himself entitled to get angry, or capable of winning a conflict.So he represses his anger, and while this repression avoids failure in the conflict, it justifies a new round of self-deprecation.In his heart, he might say to himself: If you are a capable person, you shouldn't be so cowardly.

From this we can see that anger with oneself arises from self-hatred.Therefore, this makes people unable to see the truth of the facts, when to get angry, and when to learn to endure. They only blindly criticize themselves and think that they are incompetent.

People with pathological conceits tend to direct their anger at others.Because of his conceit, he seldom sees his own faults and shortcomings, because he has already regarded himself as his ideal self, and in his heart he is unique and inviolable.So he can't tolerate a little harm, and he has a strong desire for revenge, because revenge is also a means of defending his ego.A male patient said: "In life I often get angry, of course sometimes I hide this anger and don't show it often. But I am very 'real' around my loved ones, because getting angry in front of them will not be hurt. Punishment. I get angry when I see someone jumping in line, I get angry when people don't treat me fairly, I get angry at others when they don't treat me with respect, and I get angry at myself because I didn't Let everyone respect me and value me.” In fact, there are many such people in life. If others take the road while driving, he will be angry; He will interpret this situation as a kind of bullying, and even quarrel with the waiter; when others take advantage of him, he will go to war...Papathically conceited people have a special "soft spot" for "respect".

A male patient once walked on the street with his classmate, and the classmate said: "If I have a car and a house in the future, I will feel very face." Although he didn't say anything, he knew in his heart that even if he had a building He doesn't even feel that he has face. His face is to be respected and recognized by everyone, just like the boss of the old Shanghai Beach.Therefore, he is very sensitive in life, afraid of a little harm from others, even a kind joke from others, or a pat on the head with his hand, he will be very angry.Therefore, he often conflicts with others over some trivial matters. Although he also knows it shouldn't be like this, he just can't control himself.In addition to paying too much attention to "respect", the patient also has a stubborn pursuit of "fairness".A college student was very angry with the school and the teacher just because the teacher drew the test range for the students during the final exam of the university.The reason for his anger is: I have worked so hard, and I can't see the gap between me and others after drawing the range.

In theory he makes sense, but why is he so sensitive?The point is that if he draws the test range, he may be surpassed by others, and he will not be able to maintain his sense of superiority. That's why his anger is amplified and he pays so much attention to the so-called "fairness".When the "respect" and "fairness" he pursues are not met in reality, or when he is hurt and treated unfairly by others, he will become prone to hold grudges.Sometimes, when patients go home, their minds are full of all kinds of unsatisfactory things, so their emotions tend to become agitated.Although some things have passed for several years, they will still leave a deep imprint in his memory.Precisely because he is so afraid of being hurt, sometimes he will be extremely worried that he will be beaten and humiliated. Although the possibility of this happening is extremely small, he will still be anxious about it because his ego will not allow himself to be hurt. Any harm, so I worry about this extremely small possibility.

Sometimes, the patient will blindly attribute the cause of anger to the outside world, such as the society is not good, others are not good, and the job is not good... But he has never reflected on whether this anger comes from external stimuli or inner self-esteem.Therefore, he can always find various reasons to justify himself.For example, it would be fine if I were in the United States, it would be fine if the people around me were more qualified, and it would be fine if I was more powerful... In fact, he didn't realize that he was using these seemingly reasonable reasons to defend himself. I'll ask for a defense.

(End of this chapter)