Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 34 Depression and Relationships (3)
Anger is a natural human emotion, but because of the idealized self, patients often fall into the vortex they set up—anger is either enlarged or suppressed.If his conceit comes from defeating others, there will be more retaliatory behaviors caused by anger; if his conceit comes from maintaining a perfect image in front of others, he will constantly suppress his anger and try to appear cultivated ; If he has a pathological requirement that he should neither be despised by others nor hurt others, then he will fall into the contradiction of "nor right before" (no right to get angry) and "nor right after" (no right not to get angry) middle.A male patient, he is like a hedgehog in his life, in order not to be hurt by others, he always seeks vengeance and glares at others.Although he thus reduces the possibility of being hurt, when he hurts others because of this, he will continue to feel guilty and resent why he behaves so inaccessible.In fact, he is just caught in the conflict of two neurotic needs - the pathological demand to be respected by all and loved by all.His anger is an effort to make others respect him, but this effort hinders his pathological demand to be liked and accepted by everyone, so he is wrong anyway, because his anger has become a way to satisfy his pathological ego. Means, not anger itself... When anger becomes a means of maintaining self-esteem, or an external expression when pathological demands are not met in reality, the anger at this time is no longer directly proportional to the stimulating event——Patient Either you dare not express your anger, or you are full of gunpowder; you either make others feel too weak and deceitful, or you make others feel unapproachable; you either hate yourself, or you are full of resentment towards others and the world... so you can only calm down and ask yourself : Why am I so angry!Finding the real reason behind anger can make anger a natural thing instead of fearing it or expressing it excessively.

Social Comparison: I'm a Loser

Modern society is a competitive society, everyone will make some kind of comparison, such as whether I earn enough money, whether I am beautiful, whether my ability is as strong as others, whether I am attractive... Normal people will also unintentionally Such comparisons can be made in a way that does not undermine his confidence and self-acceptance in himself.After all, no one can do everything well, and there is no need to compare your own shortcomings with others' strengths.He can objectively evaluate himself and others. He is aware of his own shortcomings, as well as his own strengths and what is worthy of recognition.Even if someone is better than him, he will not feel sorry for himself.After all, he understands the truth that "there are people beyond people, and there is a sky beyond the sky".There will always be someone better and more capable than us in life. This is an objective reality, not a basis for self-denial.Under the influence of this kind of rational thinking, ordinary people seldom make meaningless comparisons, such as comparing musical talent with a good singer, dancing talent with a good dancer, eloquence with a good eloquent person, and natural beauty People are better than appearance or figure... Everyone has their own talents, and there is no need to compare yourself with everyone's talents.For example, my profession is a psychological counselor. Although eloquence is very important to me, I don't need to compare eloquence with the host.Although professional skills are very important to me, I must admit that many professionals are more talented than me, but I will not feel inferior because of this.After all, the important thing in life is not to make such meaningless comparisons, but to live the life you want to live and do what you want to do.If happiness only comes from surpassing others, then we will never be able to achieve happiness, after all, you will always be surpassed by others.When we place our happiness entirely on the outcome of things, we cannot truly derive happiness from the process.This kind of people who only live for "winning" will live a very tiring and hard life, and will eventually become a slave of the "devil".

People with pathological low self-esteem and pathological conceit are not objective in this kind of "social comparison", they will always be interfered by idealized self, and cannot objectively evaluate themselves and others.A person with pathological inferiority always reduces himself to the role of a loser in social comparison; while a person with pathological conceit can always find a sense of superiority in this kind of social comparison, although in reality he is not better than others.

A person with pathological low self-esteem tends to compare himself to those who are clearly better than him in some way because of his pursuit of an idealized self.Because of the idealized self, he thinks he should be kind, beautiful, cheerful, capable, and popular.But in reality, he just didn't achieve these "shoulds".But he still fantasizes that he can do it, it's just that depression is a stumbling block, and he thinks that without it, everything would be different.When he has not given up the illusion of an idealized self, he cannot realize the problem with this pathological comparison.He will still stubbornly believe that it is because he is not capable enough that he cannot win in all competitions.As a result, he was increasingly unable to see the facts clearly, and was unable to let go of this pathological social comparison.He will only blindly stare at his own inferiority, while ignoring his own advantages, and will unconsciously beautify the advantages he does not have, and magnify his shortcomings.As a result, when he is in the crowd, he will feel that he is "small" and others are "tall", and he can't hold his head up even more.

The pathological conceited person doesn't feel like a failure most of the time, but when there are flaws that he can't get rid of, he often feels that he is hovering between the poles of low self-esteem and arrogance.Inferiority is because he has not achieved his ideal self, and conceit comes from the fact that he combines the advantages of his fantasy.Therefore, even if he verbally thinks he has failed, deep down he still thinks that he stands out from the crowd and is superior to others.Although he thinks he is perfect in his fantasy, reality will always come to him and let him realize his truth - he is just an ordinary person with flaws.Therefore, sometimes he avoids things that he cannot win or people that he cannot surpass. It seems to be accidental, but in fact it is inevitable.Only in this way can he maintain his sense of superiority.Some things he is not good at will try his best to avoid, even if this kind of failure is actually nothing.

A female patient did not perform well in public singing when she was in elementary school, and she never performed on stage again.When she did not get good grades in the sports meeting in junior high school, she never participated in the sports meeting again.Although she says that she is not interested, it is actually a kind of escape. Only in this way can she escape from reality to defend her self-esteem and continue to fly in the fantasy world.

Some patients who are "too deeply poisoned" can still deceive themselves with the narcissism of "Sister Furong" even if the reality of failure is in front of them.For example, I am beautiful, I am perfect, I am successful, I am extraordinary... When others point out that his arrogance lacks a realistic basis, he can always list his past success like a treasure.For example, how I was in primary school, how I was in middle school, how I was in the past... Sometimes he will easily "beat" others, such as others study well, but I am good at sports, others are good at sports, but my personal quality is good, Others are good-looking, but I have temperament, others have temperament, but I have culture... In order to maintain his morbid conceit, it can be said that he has gone to great lengths, but in fact he is unwilling to admit his own shortcomings and face his inferiority place.So he can always find his own advantages to "beat" others.But when he has to face the reality and has to face being surpassed by others, he will fall into deep self-hatred.Because he wants to be better than others in every aspect.In order to win, he will magnify his own advantages; in order to seek perfection, he will feel inferior because of his own shortcomings, and as a result, he will vacillate between inferiority and conceit.

Failed, why failed?Although it appears to be a comparison with others, it is actually a comparison with an idealized self.Because he expects to be stronger than anyone else, not to be surpassed by others, to receive all the attention and affirmation, and to get rid of the limitations of being a person.That's why he pays attention to even a little bit of his shortcomings, compares himself with everyone's advantages, blindly depreciates himself because of his "not good enough", and only then has to solve all his "disadvantages".Only in this way can he defend his ego, can he continue to maintain the unshakable position of his idealized self.Because of this, he cannot abandon this pathological social comparison with an intellectual point of view.

The key to returning to rationality is: we need to realize the irrationality of this kind of social comparison and the internal power source of this kind of social comparison. Only by realizing this can we pave the way for abandoning this pathological social comparison.Only by realizing this, can we have a heartfelt sympathy for ourselves instead of resentment when facing failures and setbacks.Only when others do not meet our requirements and expectations can we develop a kind of tolerance from the heart instead of harshness.

I can't find friends!

Neurotic patients sometimes have the embarrassment of not being able to find friends. The reason is not that he lacks communication skills, poor character, and many shortcomings... but lies in his inner struggle.Either he was too low self-esteem to get along with others on an equal footing, or he was too conceited to take anyone seriously.Under the distortion of this inner conflict, he cannot evaluate himself objectively, nor can he evaluate others objectively.Because of this distortion of self and others, he also distorts the intimate relationship of "friends".

For a person with pathological inferiority complex, because he is too self-deprecating, in order to obtain "friendship" (what he needs is not just friendship, but more to eliminate his self-hatred through friendship), he has to grovel, have to please others, and must not Unwilling to be inferior to others, he has to suppress his negative emotions, and has to stay away from others... And, because of the effect of outward transfer, he will think that others look down on him, so he lacks the courage to actively approach or further interact with others. He is afraid that others will discover his "true face".Even if he has friends, it is difficult to believe that his friends really like him-how can a person who lacks self-love believe that others love him from the bottom of his heart?Therefore, either he will live alone, or he will become someone else's "little follower".When he can't be sure that people think positively of him, when he can't believe he can make a good impression, when he doesn't want to keep playing the "nice guy," the easiest thing to do is to avoid people.

Another disguised escape is to become someone else's "little follower"—he neither dares to defend his rights, nor can he express his true emotions, and can only become a "puppet" lacking in personality.His emotional reflection is not based on his own needs, but entirely on the happiness and anger of others.A female patient dared not express her anger in interpersonal relationships. Even if someone hurt her, she would not get angry immediately, but would ask others whether she should get angry.Because she dare not make mistakes, dare not "hurt" others because of her mistakes, and only dare to get angry or show her dissatisfaction when she is sure that she is [-]% correct.As a result, relationships have ceased to be a lighthearted affair for her and have become a burden.

For a pathological conceited person, either because he is too arrogant, he has no friends worth making friends with in his eyes, or he just regards friends as a proof of his "popularity", or he disguises himself too much, so that Relationships become the stage for your own performance.So the presence of people makes him nervous...Here is a patient's description of the interpersonal episodes in his life:
Fragment [-]: I took the high-speed rail back to Nanjing.On the train, I had an argument with a man next to me.He said I was always moving around in my seat and it was affecting him.The first time I said it, I ignored him.Later, he said again, I was angry, and I said: "It's none of your business if I move in my seat!" He said angrily: "It affects my rest." I said; "What if it affects your rest? So!" Later, the flight attendant arranged for him to go to the back seat, and I conveniently put my bag on his seat.He said: "Take your bag away." I still put the bag on his seat, and he said: "This man is really poor, he deserves to be beaten." I said: "I have poor quality, what's the matter." Obviously , in the whole dispute, I prevailed, and I played the role of the strong and the evil.In fact, this is exactly the domineering I need.

Fragment [-]: My buddy sent me the final exam papers, and I invited him to have a snack at the restaurant in the evening.My buddy asked me what I was doing lately.I started acting again, and I said, "Recently, I helped my brother's company run business." He asked and asked, and I made up and made up, feeling very tired.In fact, I've been "herding sheep" every day recently, and I haven't done anything.How can I live so aggrieved, there are obstacles everywhere.I feel like I have no future at all. To be honest, I am afraid of seeing my buddies now. My buddies think I am doing well, but in fact, I have done nothing.I found that I still cared a lot about what other people said about me, which was another Achilles' heel of mine.I now find myself riddled with holes that make life worse than death.

From these two clips, we will find that he gains the upper hand by acting as a strong man and finds the "dominant spirit" he needs; through "acting", he maintains his "perfect image" and "popularity index" in the hearts of others.So he lives unreally, he dare not let others understand the real him, he still lives in the fantasy of morbid conceit, still dare not face the reality and himself in reality, he would rather pretend to be a villain, would rather lie than tear up Put off the mask of ego.Driven by the drive of ego, he is no longer his true self, so how can he have real friends?Friends have become the audience of his "perfect performance", and no one really understands him.

Sometimes, a morbidly conceited person is also afraid of seeing people, but he doesn't understand the reason for his fear of people, because he often thinks that he is excellent, elegant, and successful, and he seems to be unable to find a reason to be afraid of people.Since "man" has nothing to fear, and since he still has a sense of superiority over others, why is he afraid of man?Because he has always pursued perfection, always sought to be noticed by others, and always pursued to be superior to everyone, so others have become "judges" and "referees", so he is afraid of his own flaws and others' denials.Because then he would not be able to maintain the ego in his heart.Sometimes he gets nervous even when others aren't paying attention to him at all, because he's afraid that he's not doing what he "should" be doing, that he won't get past his own.

Because of his conceit, he couldn't even find anyone who really admired him among his contemporaries or people in the same city.Even if he has friends, he lacks a kind of heartfelt respect for friends in his heart.

This friendship is sometimes just an accessory to prove that you are a "good guy" or a tool to pass the time when you are lonely.A male patient thought he was outstanding and outstanding in elementary school and junior high school, but failed in high school and university.After he started working, he only kept in touch with his former high school classmates.When I asked him why he didn't connect with his high school and college classmates, he said, "Their existence is a proof of my failure." And he has been trying to forget those "unforgettable" pasts.

(End of this chapter)