Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 35 Depression and Relationships (4)
Not being able to find friends is scary, but being on good terms with everyone is just as disturbing.Some people's conceit is based on the perfect interpersonal relationship, because of his "performance", because of his "kindness", because of his "atmosphere", because of his "perfection", his interpersonal relationship is really good, it seems Can't find anyone who doesn't have a good relationship with him.Even so, he still does not feel safe and relaxed in the crowd, because this "harmonious" interpersonal relationship comes from "hard work" rather than "success."Sometimes, in order to maintain a good image, he would never dare to tell his "friends" because it would destroy the image of a "good guy" he has painstakingly cultivated.In fact, this "harmonious" interpersonal relationship is just a means for him to maintain his self-esteem.He doesn't really love each other, others are just "pawns" for him to achieve his inner secret purpose.

When the "virus" of morbid conceit invades the pure emotions of human beings, the patients not only have internal worries, but also external troubles, which makes the original cold heart worse.When he distorts other people in reality, they either become "beasts", become "ants", or become "referees". As a result, he seems to live in a "different dimension" , Others can't really approach his world, and he can't pass through this self-set barrier.In this space, he becomes a giant for a while, and a dwarf for a while; others become a saint for a while, and a demon for a while; the world is colorful for a while, and cloudy for a while.Because of greed, he is unwilling to leave this "Utopia", but he is destined to get lost in the fantasy kingdom.

love and sex

Love and sex, the pure emotions and needs of human beings.But under the distortion of the current social culture, sometimes love is no longer pure love, and sex is not just the satisfaction of instinctive needs.We often see: someone marries a house, not the person she loves; someone loves money, not the person she sleeps with; The man himself, and all that.Under the influence of social culture, our love and sex have gradually deteriorated. If we pursue the real needs in our hearts, we often have to face the pressure from public opinion.This kind of love and sex distorted by social culture often happens in our daily life.However, a person distorts love and sex because of the hidden and unknown neurotic needs in his heart, which is an aspect that we tend to overlook. Sexual attitudes will have a more profound impact on a person.After all, if we succumb to social and cultural choices, we can still understand why we make such choices, but distorting the needs of our true self because of the needs of neurosis will make us make many choices that are difficult for us to understand.We will be controlled by this inner force, unable to extricate ourselves, making mistakes again and again.

When it comes to love, we first think of pure emotions in books or movies, but in daily life, nothing is 100% pure, and any emotion contains "impurities". For example, although parental love is a great Love, but there is also the need to raise children to support the old, or to use children as a kind of capital to show off.Parental love is not 100% selfless, and love is more likely to contain other "impurities".Of course, it does not mean that we should pursue absolutely pure love. After all, this kind of purity itself does not exist, just like gold without pure gold.Here we will mainly discuss the part of love that is "deteriorated" by neurotic needs.

Neurotic needs influence our choice of romantic partners.Who we choose or not choose seems to be an instinctive preference, or a kind of accidental fate, but it contains the participation of subconscious forces.Therefore, we will find in life that some people tend to make some "low-level" mistakes when choosing a love partner, or they are prone to making mistakes again and again.

A male patient, he hoped to find a caring, loving and obedient wife, but he chose an independent and self-centered girl.After they got married, they fell into a kind of conflict and entanglement, because he was always dissatisfied with her behavior, and he couldn't get the care and consideration he hoped for, but he still didn't want to give up this relationship.He thinks he can't let go of love, so he hopes that the other party can change.After half a year of "mutual torture", the other party still has not changed. Because of hopelessness, his mood has become depressed.Even so, he fantasizes about her changing and becoming as caring, considerate, and family-centered as he wants her to be.The more he fantasizes like this, the harder reality hits him, because reality always sings against his fantasies.

We can't help asking: In this case, why didn't he choose a gentle and considerate girl?Why choose a girl who is so independent?He said that it was not because he didn't realize this at the beginning, but also because of his fantasy that everything would be different after he got married.So he married with fantasy, but the reality of marriage replaced the fantasy, and he fell into a hopeless struggle as a result.When we deeply analyzed why he was attracted to the other party, we found the problem: it was not love that attracted him.What he loves is not his wife, what he "loves" is the independence, ability, and rich life experience of the other party, and these are exactly what he lacks.In other words, choosing her just made up for his shortcomings, so that he can use his other half to improve himself and maintain his self-esteem.In this way, maintaining his self-esteem through the other half has become his internal motivation for choosing a mate.So he chose not to love, but to satisfy the needs of his ego.

In the choice of love objects, neurotic choices often replace the choices made out of love. This kind of mistaking neurotic needs for "love" can only destroy love in the end.The reasons that interfere with our choices can be grouped into the following categories: choosing perfection, pathological demands, maintaining ego, pathological dependence, and avoidance of love.

Choose perfection People with pathological conceits often have a tendency to "choose perfection".If you are a man, you may have high requirements for appearance or whether you are a virgin.If you are a woman, you have relatively high requirements for personal accomplishment, character, and social status.If a person regards himself as a superman in a fantasy world, then of course he must find a "vase" who can match himself, so this kind of person is more likely to become "leftover men and women", and adhere to the love philosophy of Ning Que Wu Chao as their behavior defend.They often say: Do you have to find someone to fall in love with?If you can't find your ideal type, it's better to come alone.Although he is strong on the surface, he is very fragile on the inside.Because of the lack of intimacy, his life will become lonely and empty, even if there is no shortage of friends or sexual partners around him, they will not enter his heart.Even if he is in the crowd, he can't get rid of the loneliness from the bottom of his heart.

Because of this need to choose perfection, few people will attract him in reality. After all, in reality, no one can achieve the perfection he expects.Therefore, online or long-distance relationships often have certain advantages.Because distance creates "beauty" - this kind of beauty does not come from reality, but because he beautifies the other party.Even if one day he recognizes the truth of the other party, he is unwilling to give up this beautification.In other words, what he loves is not the person in reality, but the person in his fantasy.So he is unwilling to give up his efforts to beautify the other party. If he gives up beautifying the other party, he will immediately be disappointed with that person.A female patient experienced a two-year long-distance relationship. Although she later found out that the person was not as perfect as she imagined, she still held on to her fantasy.She stubbornly believed that the "ugly" person later was not the real him, but the real him was the man who left her with a perfect impression when they first met.

When a person "dare" to find a perfect lover, the "subtext" is that he is a perfect enough person.It is precisely because he has been adhering to strict moral standards to conduct himself and do things (some people are extremely discreet in their private life), so he is looking for a virgin.It is precisely because she thinks that she is elegant and refined enough that she looks down on the men around her. Even the "Diamond King" she can always pick out all kinds of faults, because what she pursues is not only It's as simple as money, and money is only one of her many criteria.Even if her requirements are met in terms of quantifiable aspects such as status and money, "elusive" things such as quality and character can never meet her needs. After all, there is no such thing as a collection of all good qualities in reality. all in one person.Sometimes, he will also fall in love, but the requirements for "hardware" are very high.But after getting along for a period of time, it is easy to be dissatisfied with the other party, because the other party's "software" does not meet his requirements.So he will also struggle for a while.If his ego comes from winning over others, he'll give up before the other party breaks up.In this way, you can escape the reality of being abandoned, and you can always say to yourself "proudly": I despise the other party; if his arrogance comes from not hurting anyone, and is absolutely "loyal" and "single-minded", then He will not break up first, only when the other party breaks up can he be relieved.In fact, he unintentionally played himself the role of a victim in order not to damage his image as a "good guy".So "love" or "not love" has become a tricky question.

If his self-esteem is destroyed, such as some contagious disease, or he has a flaw that cannot be overcome, then his standard will suddenly be lowered, so that it seems that there is no standard, as long as he is acceptable.

A male patient fell in love with a female classmate he didn't like because he got hepatitis B.Later, because he didn't want to infect his girlfriend with hepatitis B (which violated his saint-like moral standards), he wanted to call off the engagement.His idea at the time was that if he didn't infect his fiancée, he would break up immediately and find a "village girl" later.

For people who "choose perfection", the important thing is not to stick to this perfect mate selection standard, but to give up.Only by giving up this pursuit of "ideal type" can we find true love.Of course, the prerequisite for this is to give up the morbid conceit, because the pursuit of the "ideal type" is based on the fantasy of the idealized self.Simply put, because the conceit comes from fantasy, the other half he needs only exists in fantasy and not in reality.Only when one comes out of fantasy can one truly accept the opposite sex in reality.

The pathological demand for the other half is just a tool to meet his pathological demands, not the person he really loves.As mentioned above, because of the existence of morbid conceit, patients will make many morbid demands on themselves, others and the world.But in reality, it is difficult for others to satisfy his pathological demands all the time, but in love, he can put on the cloak of "love" and wantonly demand each other.

A female patient, because she has always felt that she is unique and different, she very much expects others to center on her, spoil her, love her, and pay attention to her.It is under the influence of this need that she tends to regard the attention of the opposite sex as "love", so she often "falls in love" with some unsuitable people, such as married men.

At this time, the rational analysis of reality is no longer important to her. What she needs is the feeling of being noticed and loved. For this feeling, she will often "desire herself".And sometimes her needs are too strong to allow others to ignore and stay away. Others must pay attention to her all the time and think about her.But this is something that men in reality cannot do. After all, a person cannot care about another person in every possible way, without leaking water.Therefore, when others do not provide the care and love she expects, she becomes angry and resentful.This kind of emotion will quickly destroy her "love", so her love is difficult to last.From this, we will find that the reason why her "love" comes and goes quickly is that she has been seeking the feeling of being paid attention to and valued, rather than love itself.

This kind of situation often happens in life. One party has paid a lot for the other party, but the other party is still not satisfied, and still feels that the other party does not love and care enough for oneself, and even doubts the other party's love for oneself.There was a female patient whose lover took good care of her, but she was still dissatisfied and often cried aggrievedly.It was later discovered that she had been taken care of by her parents in every possible way since she was a child, and she had received too much love, so she subconsciously transferred this desire for love to her marriage.So it is not that the lover is not doing enough, but that she is demanding too much. When the other party does not meet her pathological requirements, she becomes dissatisfied and angry, and then falls into depression.

When we blame the other half for not being considerate or caring enough about ourselves, we need to reflect on whether the other half is not doing enough or we are asking too much.Only by thinking rationally about this problem can we find the crux of the problem.

Maintaining self-esteem When a patient's self-esteem is damaged, the "other half" can become a lifeboat and his "psychiatrist" to help him tide over difficulties, help him maintain his self-confidence, and maintain his idealized self-fantasy .

A female patient, who had excellent grades since she was a child, was admitted to a key university in the college entrance examination. After graduation, she devoted herself to the postgraduate entrance examination, but she failed to pass the entrance examination after two years of hard work.At this time, she was also getting older, and her family began to care about her marriage, but because she had high requirements for academic qualifications and personal qualities, several blind dates failed.Finally, she finally found a man who graduated from graduate school, did not smoke or drink, and happily married.But many problems were exposed after marriage, and she discovered many "bad habits" of the other party, so she had to end in divorce.

(End of this chapter)