Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 37 Depression and work (1)
depression and work

The needs of depression can affect our friendships and relationships.Similarly, this morbid need will also affect our choices of studies, careers, and dreams.When we are controlled by the ego drive, we will lose our love for the thing itself, and everything will be reduced to: whether it is successful, whether it is outstanding, whether it is superior, whether it is noticed, whether it is perfect... only the result is left, Everything else is superfluous.

Patients will interpret all this as "self-motivated", and fear that they will become depraved because of the loss of this "motivated".But he seldom reflected on the internal motivation of this "self-motivation". After all, Hitler and Einstein both had self-motivation, but the driving force of their "motivation" was fundamentally different.The former wants to trample others under their feet through the acquisition of power to prove that they are "excellent races", while the latter is out of simple love for the work they do.Different driving forces will produce different results, so "motivated" is not necessarily an advantage.Don't use high-sounding reasons to cover up your morbid needs and pursuits.

If you analyze carefully, you will find that the "motivation" of patients with depression is not only reflected in one "point", but will be reflected in the entire "face".He not only hopes to succeed in his career, but also hopes to maintain a perfect image in front of others. At the same time, he also pursues "professionalism" and superiority in hobbies.

So, as long as he pays attention to things, there is no small matter.From this, we can better understand why he is a "pessimist".Because he always pays attention to his own "not good enough" and others' "not good enough", no matter how much "good" he will turn a blind eye, because his "self-motivated" requires him to "all be good".Because his "appetite" is huge, he is always "not full".

Some people are particularly obsessed with "success learning" stuff because it satisfies their egoistic needs.But in many cases, "success learning" did not make him successful, but made his life more and more tiring.A male patient was particularly obsessed with "successful learning", but later he found that: I have too many friends, but the burden is heavy, because I can't satisfy everyone; There is more money waiting for me to earn; I have more knowledge about parent-child education, but the child is still the same child, I am so angry that I want to smash his ass... Although "success learning" has made him "achieve" , but it made his life more and more blind, and he became more and more dissatisfied with himself.

Therefore, when we are exhausted by "self-motivation", we must stop and ask ourselves: Why do we have to be self-motivated?What have I been chasing?What does it mean to me?It is better to discover what is hidden behind the "self-motivated mind" than to blindly pursue the "motivated mind".

School and Work Choices
Do you want to continue your studies?What kind of school to choose?What kind of job to choose?These things that can go with the flow will become "unnatural" in the neurotic, because he is eager to prove himself, eager to meet the needs of his ego, because he thinks he stands out from the crowd, so he has "forgot" that he really longing.A male patient had been in high school for five years because he could not face the reality that he was only admitted to a junior college.Another patient just took the postgraduate entrance examination for the postgraduate entrance examination. He pretended all day long. In fact, he didn't learn anything, but he continued to study hard.In fact, he is not interested in what he has learned, but only pays attention to whether he is the result of a graduate student.At this time, the postgraduate entrance examination has become a means for him to maintain his self-esteem, so reading has become a kind of suffering for him, rather than happiness.

Do you want to go to university, and what kind of university do you want to study?Ordinary people will make suitable choices according to their own abilities and aspirations.But for neurotic patients, because of the existence of morbid conceit, he has to go to college, and he can't go to a bad college.Therefore, his "choice" cannot be based on the actual situation: if he didn't go to college, he would always try to realize his college dream, even if he didn't like studying at all; Will force myself to take the postgraduate entrance examination, and pass the postgraduate entrance examination to "recover shame".Sometimes he will not choose the right university according to his actual ability. In his eyes, there are only key universities, and other schools are completely out of his consideration.Of course, if his ego stems from the fact that he must not fail, then he will also choose some colleges that are below his level but are safe.In order to avoid failure, a male patient had to choose a school and major that he didn't like at all, and naturally he did a job that he didn't like.He has paid so much, in fact, just to avoid failure and avoid damage to his ego.

What kind of job to choose?Of course different people will have different views.But for neurotic patients, what job is not important, what is important is whether he can show that he is superior and different.A male patient is a successful businessman. During the treatment, he would inadvertently mention how many big businesses he had done and how much money he had earned.At first this didn't attract my attention, but when such "dramas" continued to play out, I realized that what he was talking about was not money, but using money to prove his "greatness", using money to defeat me, to come Satisfy his superior needs.Another patient, when he made a career choice, did not pay attention to the career itself, but only whether he could earn 25 yuan before the age of 50, and whether he could be accompanied by famous cars, luxury houses and beautiful women when he was 30 years old.In addition to money, some people are also very concerned about "power" and "scenery", so they often sharpen their heads and force themselves into "civil servants" and "popular occupations", thinking that wearing "cassocks" can " Cultivate Taoism and become immortal".Of course, this is not to say that people should not pursue money and power.But if this kind of pursuit is just to maintain a morbid conceit, find a sense of superiority that tramples others under the feet through money and power, when you get it, you think you are superior, and when you don’t get it, you will be left with a kind of "underappreciated talent". "Sorrow and resentment towards society, money and power are no longer themselves at this time.The pursuit at this time will not bring real happiness to people, but will only become a heavy burden.Because he can only succeed, not fail.Failure means the disillusionment of the illusion, and he can no longer maintain the self-confidence in his bones.

A female patient, in order to use money to eliminate self-hatred, focused on sales, because sales made money quickly.But later she said: "During the few years I was in sales, I hardly made any money, but I even lost a lot of money. In the end, I found out that I really didn't make as much money as they claimed!" Of course, no It must be that sales cannot make money. In fact, in this world, even if you do a good job of picking up junk, you can make money.It's just that when a person's mind is full of wanting to use money and success to prove himself, to eliminate inferiority complex and self-hatred, he doesn't have much energy to focus on work.In other words, the work at this time is only a means to meet their morbid needs, not an end.Work is like love, if it is only used as a means, then there will be no gain in the end.

How to choose the right job and school, the answer to this question is actually in everyone's heart, because everyone has their own needs and preferences, so we must listen to the inner voice instead of satisfying the needs of ego, otherwise we can only let the work And learning "degenerate".When we no longer force ourselves to achieve certain results, our real needs and desires can slowly emerge.

perfectionism at work
How much work is enough?To what extent is it good?When a person is driven by a morbid ego, not only does he have to look perfect, but he also has to do things impeccably.When he can't achieve the results he expected, he will fall into depression.There is a male patient who works in a government agency. He would rather wrong himself than offend others at work. He is rated as the best every year. If he does not give up voluntarily, he will be the one almost every year.Not only does he have good interpersonal relationships, but he is also very successful in his career. At his age, there are not many people who can achieve his position.But once he was criticized by his superiors because of a work problem. Although he was not responsible, it was just the leadership making use of the problem.He fell into depression because of this criticism.Then there were symptoms such as fatigue, not wanting to do things, not wanting to eat, and feeling depressed.

Work is just a pursuit of one's own preferences and the realization of one's potential, but when neurotic needs are involved, things become not so simple.In order to meet the needs of ego, patients must do things perfectly, not worse than others.He often does not admit that his requirements are high, nor does he think that he is pursuing perfection that does not exist. Instead, he thinks that his requirements are just a standard of "ordinary" or "everyone can do it".

A female patient works in a pharmacy. She is very serious about her work and does not allow herself to make mistakes, so she is much more tired than others.If it is just this point, we can still think that she is very dedicated, but after a deeper understanding, we find that this is just a "point" in her life.Before going out every day, she has to list the things she needs to do today in order to prevent herself from wasting time; She would be worried that MSG would damage her daughter's nervous system; once she took her daughter out to play, but when her daughter fell down, she began to blame herself again, thinking that she was not a good mother... If you judge people according to her standard, believe in this world Few of them are "qualified".

Her worries actually reflected that her "needs" were not met in reality, and she blamed herself for not doing what she "should".To illustrate with an example, it’s like a person learning to drive a car. He not only requires that he can drive, but also understands the principle and structure of the car, and that he can’t have any accidents. Only then does he think he can really drive.If it is really measured according to this standard, there must be not many people who "can drive".A male patient asked himself to "figure out" things no matter in life or work.When he was in school, even though he checked the dictionary, he didn’t think he really understood the concept of the word; stock trading was even more troublesome, because he had to understand technical indicators such as K-line, and in the end, in order to understand everything, He was dizzy all day long.It is precisely because of this extreme perfectionism standard that he does not allow himself to make a little mistake, nor does he allow himself to understand something in his work. Of course, it is even more difficult to accept that others are better than him.Therefore, he is easily troubled by compulsion, because he has to check repeatedly, think over and over again, and repeatedly determine whether he is doing the right thing.In fact, he is not stupid. What he asked and verified is not because he really does not know, but because he has been pursuing never to make mistakes, so the possibility of one in ten thousand mistakes and failures will scare him.If you can't even face the "possibility", it means that a person is extremely conceited.So compulsive behavior is just a means for him to escape reality and maintain fantasy.But reality is reality after all, and if you can't face reality, you will fall into the "grave" you dug yourself.

(End of this chapter)