Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 38 Depression and work (2)
Although such perfectionism has caused a serious burden on the patient's life and body, the patient will still find various reasons to justify his "violence" against himself.A male patient works in a government agency, and his job is to write materials for leaders.Because of his hard work and earnestness, he has become a well-recognized pen writer in the unit, but his life is not easy, and he is always exhausted in order to write "quality" materials.In order to write high-quality materials, he always has to think over and over again, and the materials he comes up with should basically take shape, satisfy the leader after reading them, and write better than other colleagues... When you ask him: "If this is the case, what should I do?" Why can't I lower the requirements on myself?" He said: "It's not because of me, but because of the environment, because the leaders have high requirements, and I can't do anything about it." I asked back: "Could it be that the people in your unit are all because of Writing materials makes you as anxious as you?" He said: "That's not true, but I am a pen, so others have high expectations of me." I said: "Then don't be a pen, so that others will not I have such high expectations for you, and you can live a relaxed life.” After a moment of silence, he replied: “In this way, I won’t be able to leave a good impression on the leader…” In fact, it’s not that others treat him The high expectations are not entirely caused by environmental pressure, but because he has to maintain a perfect image among his leaders and colleagues. It is because he cannot face the image damage, and because he is unwilling to give up "greed", so he has not been able to Putting down the "requirements" for oneself, even if it tortures oneself to the point of being overwhelmed, it is still enjoyable... "Seriousness" is originally a good thing, but many patients express such emotion: the more serious the more painful, the more serious the more unattainable the desired goal.In fact, "seriousness" at this time is no longer seriousness, but has become a requirement of "should", a kind of pressure and burden.A female patient, her job is to create cartoons, she is fine when she draws casually by herself, but when she draws for interviews or submissions, she always fails to complete the task on time.In order to achieve what she considers to be her ideal state, she doubts even the skills she already knows, worrying that she is not doing it right, and worrying that she will not be able to meet the needs of the other party.In order to pursue perfect works, she couldn't even show her original level.This is how she evaluates herself: "The more you want to work efficiently, the more you can't complete the work." As a result, she missed one interview opportunity after another. Later, she didn't even have the courage to find a job, so she could only "stay at home" home.Another male patient, as long as he is "serious" about something, then this thing will definitely go wrong.For example, when he played chess, once he became "serious", he couldn't even perform at his original level, and he realized it later.He was already "serious" enough not to allow himself to make a wrong move.In the end he had to say to me: "This kind of requirement must be difficult for a world champion to meet." When he was about to face the exam, it was also because of "seriousness" that he was afraid that he would forget the knowledge he had already mastered and what he would do when the time came. I don't even remember.He is more "serious" when he is with the opposite sex. He does not allow himself to show any flaws, and wants to perform flawlessly in front of the opposite sex.It was so "serious" that he didn't dare to have contact with the opposite sex in the end.In fact, he is so "serious" because he cannot accept the reality that he will also fail and be inferior to others.At this time, "seriousness" is still a means of maintaining self-confidence.A phenomenon that neurotic patients tend to appear in work and study is that they are particularly sensitive to things that affect their efficiency.When he is a student, if he is at the top of his class and maintains his sense of superiority, his concern for efficiency will not reach the level of paranoia.But when he enters the key middle school or high school, when he is buried in the crowd, he will try desperately to regain the lost "aura".When this kind of effort does not bring him the desired results, he will be very sensitive to things that affect his concentration and efficiency.For example, insomnia, peripheral vision, interference from classmates, distraction, headaches and various physical discomforts... After that, he will focus on these "symptoms" and look forward to the resolution of the symptoms, so that he can regain his superiority sense of superiority.After he started working, this focus on "status" has not changed. He will still spend a lot of energy to get back to the "good status" of the year, and still worry about it will affect his status.In fact, he cares so much about his status, and there is another secret motive—it is because he is not in a good state that he can't exert his "skill".He can still use "not in a good state" to excuse his failures and setbacks, and he still doesn't have to face reality and himself.

Paying too much attention to minutiae will definitely affect the work itself.Whether it is to satisfy self-esteem or to avoid inferiority complex, the result of doing so is only to temporarily relieve the inner struggle, and it is not conducive to the solution of the fundamental problem.Therefore, we must learn to face failure and imperfection, after all, this is life; we must also give up the pathological "seriousness", after all, this is just a means to maintain our ego.

Can only succeed, cannot fail

If a person's self-confidence is based on success and surpassing others, then his self-confidence will become very fragile.He can be satisfied with himself only when he is doing well and performing well, and he will be disappointed with himself when things are not going well or suffer setbacks, and he will even become fearful and restless.This belief of "only success, not failure" will make him unable to face failure and inferiority. When failure is unavoidable, he will fall into the abyss of despair.I remember a patient once said something like this: "I have always been a victorious general, so I can't accept failure."

The sad thing is that when a person cannot accept failure, he will suffer a lot of pressure. Tension—the stress gets worse—eventually leads to failure” vicious circle.The reason for all this is precisely because he cannot accept failure, and cannot accept the shattering of the myth of his "ever victorious general".

Success and failure actually come from one's own definition.The definition is different, the result is different.The "failure" and "success" in the eyes of neurotic patients are actually different from those of ordinary people. It is precisely because of the existence of an idealized self that a person becomes "greedy".For him, there are shortcomings, things he can't do, or some aspects are worse than others, which is a kind of failure.When a person can only accept himself if he is perfect, and he can affirm himself only when he is better than others, life becomes a battlefield, not only a war with himself, but also a war with others.At this time, he can't tolerate his own mistakes, and he can't tolerate others surpassing himself. At the same time, he is also afraid of failing to achieve his expected goals.

People who lack self-confidence tend to have a stronger desire for success, and feel more inferior when their "pursuit" is blocked.Sometimes he also knows that his pursuit is too "ambitious", but he just refuses to give up, because he is afraid that he will never regain his confidence.When we use success to regain self-confidence and the affirmation of others to regain our self-worth, we rarely ask ourselves, how did I lose my self-confidence?Is it a lack of success, or is it too "greedy"?In life, we will see that some people with serious physical defects can live an active life, while some able-bodied people cannot find happiness; some ordinary people who are not rich can enjoy life very well, but some economic conditions are very poor. Good people can't find happiness; some fat girls can be enthusiastic and cheerful, but some slender girls worry about their body... So, happiness comes from whether you are satisfied with what you have, not whether you have enough.The same is true for self-confidence. Some people have low self-esteem because they are not cheerful enough, but there are many people who are not cheerful in their lives who are still very confident; people can live happily every day.Of course, this is not to say that we cannot have pursuits, but if a person's pursuit becomes a heavy burden and a reason for inferiority, this kind of pursuit is a kind of pathological pursuit.It does not allow us to enjoy life better, but we live in the fear of "not reaching" all day long.

A male patient who desperately seeks affirmation, respect, and approval from others.When asked why he cared so much about other people's opinions, he said it was because he lacked self-affirmation, so he desperately needed success and the approval of others to save himself.The reason for his low self-esteem is that he is not cheerful enough, has no career, does not have many friends, does not have a warm family, does not do things as well as others, does not get respect from others, and is not welcomed by others... In short, he seems to never be satisfied with himself , he only sees his own "not good enough".When asked if there were people in his life who met his standards, he said that not all of them met. "Why do you have to achieve it if others haven't achieved it?" I asked, "If I achieve it, it means I am better than others!" He replied.

If a person's self-confidence is based on being better than others, there must be few people in this world who are confident.True self-confidence comes from the acceptance of the true self, not from being superior to others in all aspects, so the "confidence" he has been looking for is actually not true self-confidence.He craves success so much, so craves respect, so craves to be better than others, just to maintain his morbid ego.It is precisely because he has been driven by his morbid ego that he has become "greedy".When the real self did not satisfy his "appetite", he fell into inferiority complex.So his inferiority complex is not that he is not good enough, but that he wants too much.If he does not stop to reflect on his pursuit, but blindly pursues the success in fantasy, he will never succeed, and he will never be able to find true self-confidence, because he has been wrong at the "origin".

A pathological conceited person is afraid of failure. He will not only avoid the possibility of failure, but also find various plausible excuses for his failure.

A male patient suffered from severe anxiety and insomnia during the postgraduate entrance examination. In the end, he gave up his initial choice and took the postgraduate entrance examination of this school (the postgraduate entrance examination of this school is easier).But he still believes that he is capable, but he was not admitted to the ideal university because of his poor condition.When I asked him if he was justifying himself, making excuses for his evasion, and finding reasons for his failure by "not in good shape", he fell into panic.

He talks about how this feeling can happen in life as well.Later we discovered that it was a kind of evasion that he did not apply for the postgraduate entrance examination of the ideal university.Because he dare not face failure, and "not in good shape" is just an excuse to maintain his ego.Also, the pathological conceited person is also unwilling to give up the fantasy, he always expects that everything will be fine (remember, his so-called "good" is not good in the ordinary sense, but to satisfy his pathological pursuit).After all, to give up fantasy means that he "falls into the world".The male patient later said that what has been supporting him all the time is the confidence and hope that "it can get better" in his heart.He thinks that with the passage of time, everything will become what he wants it to be.When I told him it was just a fantasy, a pathological ego at work, he just felt hollowed out and developed intense anxiety and a fear of therapy itself (after all, therapy is not sustain his ego, but help him let it go).It would be fine if his "self-motivation" is the general sense of human beings, but the sad thing is that what he expects to become better is a comprehensive and endless "goodness". He even asks himself to buy a pot of flowers. Buy "professional" than others.

Therefore, the pathologically conceited person has a particularly strong need for a "sense of control". He needs everything to be in his own hands, and he thinks he can control everything.When encountering things beyond his control, he will have strong fear and anxiety, and because he wants to turn everything into what he imagined, he often feels tired.When some things are beyond his control, he will be extremely frightened, and when he cannot control and escape, he will form "symptoms".

A male patient is an electronic engineer. When he is making a circuit board, plan A and plan B are theoretically feasible, but if plan A does not work in practice and plan B is feasible, he will be anxious because It undermines his need to be in control.So in life, he is afraid of flying, afraid of having a sudden heart attack, and afraid that he will not know all about his girlfriend's whereabouts... Because his ego can't tolerate things in reality that are beyond his control, so he is afraid of things beyond his control. So much fear and anxiety.

In fact, success is the same as happiness. The more you pursue it deliberately, the farther it will be away from you.As Victor Frankl writes in his bestselling book, In Search of Meaning in Life: Don't stare at success—the more you stare at it and use it as a target, the more likely you are to miss it.For success, like happiness, is as rare as happiness: it must come naturally, and it can arise only as a by-effect of one's pursuit of a cause, or as a by-product of a contribution to others rather than one's own. .Happiness comes sooner or later, and so does success: you have to let it happen without caring too much.I hope you can follow the command of your conscience and try your best to complete it.And you will eventually see that after a long time -- notice, I mean a long time -- success will follow you just because you have forgotten about it.

For what work

What is the purpose of the work?Perhaps many people have not really thought about this question, just as many people have not really thought about what they are living for.In life, we will observe that work has different meanings for everyone. Some people are just for survival, some are for gaining a sense of belonging, some are for reflecting self-worth, some are for proving that they are superior to others, and some are for work. The love in the heart, some people regard work as a tool to pass the time and dawdle... According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, a person's needs can be divided into five levels: physiological needs, safety needs, love and belonging needs, The need for esteem and the need for self-actualization.The purpose of work can be precisely divided into these five needs.When a person's basic needs are met, new needs—higher needs—are created.Physiological needs and safety needs belong to the basic needs of a person, while the needs of love and belonging, respect and self-actualization are the needs of a person's growth.Of course, in real life, we will also find that some people can temporarily endure the lack of basic needs for the sake of growth.On the contrary, some people blindly indulge in the basic needs, while ignoring the satisfaction of growth needs.

Maslow defined self-actualization as "self-actualization is the continuous realization of potential, intelligence and talent, fulfillment of vocation, destiny or disposition, fuller understanding and recognition of human's inner nature, and continuous trend towards unity, integration or coordinated action within the individual." process.” And he also said that self-actualized people have the following essential characteristics: “Self-actualized people are completely free, and the factors that govern their behavior come from self-selection within the subject; Self-actualized people reveal their great potential in a job they love so much; a self-actualized person is one who abandons his narrow view of self; a self-actualized person is the ultimate expression of human creativity." In simple terms, self-actualization is indulging in what you want Among the things you love and the people you love, from this kind of devotion and love, a person finds the meaning of his life and the value of existence.This pursuit comes from the true self, not the needs of neurosis.

Of course self-actualization is an ideal model, just as if an acorn seed is given a chance, it will grow into an oak tree.However, due to the distortions of various social cultures and neurotic needs, people in reality often do not grow towards self-realization, but are too addicted to the satisfaction of the basic needs that can be seen and touched, or fall into the path of neurosis. in need.At this time, work for him is no longer for self-realization, but to conform to the requirements of social culture or maintain a pathological ego.When the meaning of work and life is distorted, a person will easily feel fear and loneliness, so he must hide himself in the "castle" piled up with material and superficial entertainment to reduce the deep anxiety in his heart.

When a person is bound by neurotic needs, he will lose the most precious authenticity, sincerity, and free vitality, and distort the meaning of work and life.Going on a "journey to sincerity" is the focus of many existential psychotherapists.This includes being willing to face the limitations of people's existence, moral choices related to sincerity, meaning in life and being human.Genuine people base their values ​​and goals on themselves, while insincere people base their goals on the values ​​of others and care little about what is important to them.In social relationships, sincere people value family affection, while insincere people care more about superficial relationships.Genuine people are more flexible and open than insincere people because they are aware of themselves.Sincere people experience existential anxieties mostly related to freedom, responsibility, death, loneliness, and meaning.Conversely, the insincere person often feels guilty for not seizing opportunities, because of his cowardice, lack of courage to change or make risky decisions.Genuine people are able to brave the existential crises of anxiety, whereas insincere people experience more symptoms of psychopathology and are maladaptive in dealing with crises.In this way, sincere people can truly know themselves and deal with problems and crises through direct experience of facing problems and crises.

When a person loses his true self and his true desire, he will be very afraid of death.Nietzsche said: "The less you have lived, the greater the fear of death; the less you have experienced life fully, the more you fear death." Fear of death is often closely related to the feeling of wasting life.When a person has not discovered his potential, when he has not really lived, the fear of death is intensified.So sometimes he will be troubled by various "minor illnesses", fearing that the "minor illness" will become terminally ill, or after reading a report or news, he will start to worry that some terrible things will happen to him.I mentioned a point of view above: the pathological conceited person fears death because death is beyond his control. Death makes him realize that he will die like ordinary people. He does not want to face this reality, so he is more afraid die.At the same time, pathological conceits never really live for themselves.He keeps playing the successful guy, the holy guy, the guy in control, the guy who's superior... so he doesn't experience life to the full either, which is another reason why he's terribly afraid of death.His whole person has been driven by pathological conceit, he has lost his freedom, and has become a slave to the drive of conceit. His whole person has been controlled by the "devil" and lost his true self, so his life is just being controlled by the "devil". Driven and exhausted.When a person's true self is suppressed, and a person's real needs are replaced by neurotic needs, then he cannot truly realize his potential, nor can he truly live a wonderful life, nor can he face death directly: because learning how to be better Living is a process of learning how to face death.

Back to the theme of this section again: what is work for?Work is actually for self-realization, to realize the potential of one's life, the value of being a human being, and the meaning of life.The less one is bound by neurotic needs, the more authentically one can live, free to give oneself to work, to create, to love.Otherwise, you can only be trapped by loneliness and emptiness, and lose the possibility of sincerity and self-realization.

(End of this chapter)