Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 6 Depressed Life (1)
inner struggle

Depression is an invisible injury. If you have not experienced depression, you will never truly understand the pain and helplessness in it.On the surface, it seems that depression arises from specific stimulating events, but its root is the accumulated contradictions and struggles in the heart.Under the conflict between fantasy and reality, in the hopeless and struggling predicament, all the efforts of patients to get rid of depression will become pale and weak, and they can only see themselves sinking deeper and deeper, unable to extricate themselves.In the end, by escaping from all this, he could get a moment's respite... I really fell into depression, it should be when I was 15 years old and in the second grade of junior high school.It happened that my parents had just divorced at that time, and my father left home.After they separated, my mother and I were left at home.After a common "enemy" disappeared, I felt a lot more lonely.When one topic of concern in my life disappears, the next will naturally appear, and my problems will slowly be exposed.Although I was relatively strong among the children in the neighborhood, I was often bullied by my classmates at school.

Since elementary school, I seem to have two roles: a strong self and a cowardly self.I woke up every morning and didn't want to go to school because I was worried about being bullied at school.At that time, I often had this fantasy: I was the son of the boss of the underworld. When I was bullied, a group of people would come to the school by helicopter to help me vent my anger.But fantasies are fantasies after all. In reality, I still have low self-esteem. I just hope that I can go to middle school sooner and escape from all this.As a result, I often felt like a hypocrite and a failure, playing the brave guy in the neighborhood kids and the wretch at school, always failing in conflicts with others.Gradually, I lost the courage to face challenges and began to experience a sense of inferiority. Even when I did well, I didn't regain my confidence in myself.

The first grade of junior high school is a relatively happy period for me, and it is also the year I have been encouraged the most since I was a child.Because I study hard and I am in a slow class, it stands out.I was no longer as naughty as I was when I was a child, and tried to behave well in front of teachers and classmates, so I was gradually loved by teachers and classmates, and was elected monitor almost unanimously.This made me regain some confidence and happiness for a while, and therefore I am full of expectations for life in junior high school.

However, the good days didn't last long. In the second year of junior high school, my mood fell into depression.Maybe it's because of my father's departure, maybe it's because my class teacher who valued me has retired, maybe my good friend has transferred another school, maybe my academic performance has deteriorated... In short, when a person doesn't really accept the true self in his heart , just forcing myself to perform perfectly, just wrapping myself with success, this fragile "confidence" will always be broken one day.All of this may not be inspired by specific events, but just when the time has come.The self-confidence that was not strong began to crumble slowly, and it seemed that I could no longer find the previous happiness, and what followed was more closed and inferior.At this time, some subtle changes took place in my body, and the muscles in my shoulders were always inexplicably tense and could not relax.The more this is the case, the more unhappy I feel, and I have no interest in study, life and the people around me.When I was in the first grade of junior high school, I was still looking forward to going to school, looking forward to being affirmed by the teacher; looking forward to playing with friends; looking forward to one day being able to bravely express my love to the girl I like... Gradually, I found myself You can't do all of this, and you can't bring happiness to the people you like.From then on, I began to fear going to school, because going to school would only make me more depressed.I know that since then, I am no longer the original self, and I can't get back the feeling and happiness of the past.It turned out that the dream of life and the future has become a luxury. In the end, I only hope that I can be admitted to a technical secondary school and have a job after graduation.So, I became a "problem boy" through and through.Although this is not my original intention, only in this way can I feel a little bit of peace; only when I am addicted to video games and linger in the video hall, can I temporarily forget the pain.Teachers and classmates felt that I had changed. I was no longer the positive person I used to be. Instead, I was a decadent, lost, and disappointing guy.

Since then, I no longer live in reality, and I am like an empty shell in life.Only in the fantasy world can I become what I want to be-eloquent, popular, brave and strong, respected and affirmed by everyone.Daily life is like sleepwalking. I don't know my preferences, my direction, and my future.Everything in reality is getting farther and farther away from me, and I don't want to get involved in it anymore. After all, everything is different from what I imagined... The aura of the past is getting farther and farther away from me.The teacher came to talk to me, and my mother was disappointed with me. I pretended to be relaxed and told them: "I just want to be an ordinary worker. I just need to graduate from junior high school and go to a technical school, so I don't need to study well." Not my heart, but a kind of helplessness.

The days passed day by day in this inner struggle and entanglement.My junior high school was spent trying to work hard but couldn't find a breakthrough, trying to find myself but couldn't find the direction, wanting to prove myself but failing again and again.I vaguely sensed that something was wrong with me, but didn't know where it was, and I tried to make others understand my pain, but no one could.People who care about me just say to me: "Don't think too much, just study hard." Although I want to do this too, I can't do it.I just feel like there's a pull on me that keeps me from doing things, but I don't know where it's coming from.Then I just didn't explain it at all, and let others see me as a self-sacrificing person, a bad boy who only made his family sad.However, I am still confused. The "bad kids" around me are very happy, but what about my happiness?

slipping youth

There are really too many regrets in life. The people and things in the past have become an unchangeable memory.When all this is gone, I just hate that I have experienced depression when I should be enjoying the beauty, and I am deeply in pain when I should be nourished in pure friendship and love.

Youth is slipping at the fingertips little by little, and my heart is bleeding slowly... Before I went to high school, I still imagined that I would be different in a new environment, and I could start all over again.But the fantasy keeps humbly melting in the face of reality... Because I didn't get into the key high school in the city, I spent money to enter the key high school in the county.2/3 of the students are from rural areas, and 1/3 are students like me who did not get into a key high school in the city and hope to go to a better school.Because I am a "city person", I was a little proud when I first entered school, but this poor sense of superiority disappeared after a few days.I saw my classmates becoming familiar day by day, and I became more and more anxious because of this-if everyone is not familiar with me, then my weakness of being unsociable and not good at talking will not be exposed, but when everyone When they are all integrated, my "problems" will be highlighted.So I would rather be in an environment that people will never be familiar with, and I can pretend to be the same as everyone, so that I can feel safer in such an environment.

Although I also have friends, but most of the time I make friends not out of emotion, but out of fear—the fear of being seen through by others.Therefore, I will deliberately talk to others more, so that others will not find me a failure, incompetent, and unlovable person.Of course, some friends are my true friends, but being with them also has a heavy psychological burden. I am afraid that they will not be happy with me, and I am afraid that I will not be able to bring them happiness.When I have nothing to say, I am very anxious. I am afraid that the other party will think that I am not worth dating.So I am very envious of some humorous, cheerful and popular people in the class. I hope I can become like them. If so, I don't have to feel guilty and worry about my performance and what others think of me.Sometimes, I also try to tell my friends about this mentality, trying to make them understand-in fact, I am not so stupid, so incompetent, so dull, but it seems that something is pressing me, preventing me from putting my enthusiasm into practice. And ability to show up, not being able to be what I want to be myself.

In the first month of school, I was still able to devote myself to my studies, but then I became less and less able to focus on my studies.Although it seems to be hard work, it is actually a kind of escape - avoiding failure in interpersonal relationships, avoiding inferiority complex compared with others.Slowly, I began to feel that there was an invisible barrier between myself and others. I couldn't walk into other people's hearts, and others couldn't walk into my world.But I am longing for friendship and love. I don't want the whole high school to be as failed and inferior as junior high school.But I just feel that the "love" in my heart seems to be suppressed by something, and I can't express it through my expressions and words.The more this happened, the more I avoided making new friends; the more this happened, the less I knew what to do when I met a girl I liked.I don't know why this happened, how it became that I didn't even recognize myself.

In order to get rid of the inferiority complex compared with others, I started to escape again.Although this is not my original intention, it can paralyze myself and prevent myself from thinking about the present and the future.Therefore, I became a frequent visitor to Internet cafes and video halls again.Good friends come to talk to me, hoping that I can change, but why don't I want to?It's just that I don't know how to stop this inner struggle.

Later, I finally found out that I was suffering from depression.One day, the school suddenly issued a mental health education manual. I read the content carefully, and the chapter on the diagnosis and manifestation of depression suddenly caught my eye, because it said hopelessness, disinterest in life, The tension in my body is almost the same as mine... Although the hope of recovery is kindled in my heart, but for the small town in the northeast in the late 20s, where is there a psychological counseling center?Where can I go for treatment?The hope that had just been ignited has turned into disappointment again. Maybe there will be relevant institutions in the provincial capital or the capital.But the information was not developed at that time, where can I find it?And whether the family can support it is still unknown.

When I was in junior high school, I had the habit of masturbating. At that time, I was very nervous about this kind of behavior, and I believed that my sexual ability would definitely have problems because of it.When I saw an advertisement about sexually transmitted diseases on TV, I thought that I must go to such a specialized hospital for treatment in the future, otherwise it might affect my future marriage and fertility.Despite this worry, the amount of masturbation in high school continued unabated, and I tried to control it, but failed.I also heard a classmate say: "One drop of semen, ten drops of blood." I was even more worried that I had lost my vitality. This also became a reason for my low self-esteem and inferiority.Because of the failure in life and emotional depression, masturbation has become a means of escape, a way of paralyzing oneself, just like often skipping school and not doing a proper job, but this way of escaping is like a vortex, and the more you evade , the more you fear; the more you avoid, the more you feel inferior.Almost all the means of evasion became "new problems" later on, which I couldn't bear. It was like falling into a swamp, and the more I struggled, the deeper I sank.

why me
I finally know what's wrong with me, I finally know why I am different from others, but why is it me and not others?
Why am I suffering from this goddamn depression?Could it be related to my family?Could it be related to my personality?Could it have something to do with my cowardice?Could it be that I'm not good at socializing?Could it have something to do with my father not setting a good example for me?I thought about all kinds of possibilities, but nothing seemed right. In order to explore the root cause, I began to reflect on my life and growth experience... When I woke up, I vaguely saw my mother combing her hair in front of the mirror. Her face was pale. Got into a fight with dad.I was too young to understand why they were fighting and why my mother kept crying.I was very scared, afraid that my mother would leave home and never come back, and would not want me anymore.Watching her moaningly brushing her hair in front of the mirror, I just felt like a ghost: a tortured shell with no hope of living.I curled up in the quilt and pretended to be asleep, deliberately turning a blind eye... My childhood life was spent under this tone.Later, I also joined their "war" - helping my mother beat my father, and helping my mother supervise my father.When my father bullied my mother, I was very angry. When I saw the scene of "Qiu Haitang being disfigured" on TV, I fantasized about disfiguring my father when I grew up and helping my mother get revenge.I also thought about marrying my mother to protect her so that she would not be bullied.

Maybe it's numbness, or it's because I'm too young. Although I grew up in the "fire of war", I don't feel pain.It's just helpless that they often wake me up in the middle of the night, and I can only run out to find my grandparents to mediate.After every fight, my mother would always tell me that she was going to get a divorce.Actually, I really want them to divorce so that they can stop arguing and torture each other.

When I was young, I was my mother's little follower, because my father liked to play and was often away from home, and my mother often rode a bicycle and took me to find my father.In order to go out to play, Dad often lied to Mom that he was at a colleague’s house or worked overtime, but every time we could find him in the dance hall, as a result, their "war" would break out in the dance hall, and because of this, the relationship with Dad would also be affected. Qing's dance partner.I was like a guard, standing guard at the door, watching them beat and walk out of the door. "Didn't you say working overtime?" Mom asked Dad. "Fatty (mother's baby name), how can you hit her, we just met." Dad said.I don't know how many times I have heard this kind of conversation, and I have become numb. I know that my father is lying again, exactly the same lie.

Dad has promised us countless times to love this family and be responsible for this family.In the beginning, I actually believed his tearful guarantee time and time again, but I was disappointed in him time and time again. In the end, I no longer had any hope for him.When he fought with my mother, I always stood by my mother. When my mother was crying, I made up my mind: I must not let my mother cry when I grow up.

Lying, spying, fighting, divorce, reconciliation... these became the main theme of my childhood life.But at that time, I thought about playing all day long, and it didn't feel terrible.Just pity my mom, married to a guy like that.When we were seven years old, we moved and we didn’t live in the same yard with my grandfather, but the “plot” still didn’t change. They would still fight in the middle of the night. At this time, I would ask the neighbors for help, and then my father would be alone. People ran out, while my mother was sitting on the kang and crying, and the kind neighbors would comfort my mother, while I looked at the poor mother at a loss, not knowing what to do to stop her from crying... Although the family The relationship was tense and chaotic, but I lived a good life because my mother took good care of me, and I was fed and clothed like other children.In fact, I'm not afraid of them fighting. What I'm most afraid of is that my mother will not want me. If that's the case, I really don't know how to live.Although my father said that even if my mother leaves, he can take care of me, but I don't know if his words are true or not, so I just ignored them.

I always imagine that when I grow up, I won't have to do so much homework, I won't be bullied, and I can protect my mother and prevent my father from hurting her again.But when I grew up slowly, I found that everything was different from what I imagined...

(End of this chapter)