Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 7 Depressed Life (2)
what am i doing

In the first month of the second year of high school, I didn't stay at school for a few days, but spent almost all of it in Internet cafes and video halls.Because it costs a lot, one month's living expenses are spent in a few days.Later, I didn't enjoy playing in the county, so I just went back to the city to play.When the money was running out, I was sitting alone on a stool at the food stall at the entrance of the theater, looking at the flashing neon lights and the pedestrians passing by the window, I couldn't help asking myself softly: what am I doing ?
what am i doing!Is this the life I want?Will escaping really solve my problem?Although I escaped from the crowd and temporarily escaped my own failure, did I really escape?Why can't I still laugh, why can't I still see hope, why can't I still be close to others and others can't be close to me?I'm actually still here, the depression is still gripping me, and running away won't fix the underlying problem.Since escaping doesn't make me better, will it be better to leave school?Even if it's not good, at last there is no need to continue wasting the family's money.If I really want to end this failure and meaningless life, I can always earn some money first and buy a house for my mother. This is my last act of filial piety!
This time I played truant, instead of going back to school as usual, I went directly to my grandma's house.I want to end this hopeless, chaotic life.Maybe at work, I can start a new life.

It may be because I played truant too much, but when I arrived at my grandma's house, my grandma and grandpa were not surprised.Hearing the news of my return, my mother hurried over from the unit.I told her my thoughts, and she said to me with a little disappointment: "You think about it before you decide!" Although my mother didn't show her pain on her face, she must be very sad in her heart, because the marriage failed. , She almost pinned all her hopes on me, but now everything has come to naught, which is undoubtedly a big blow to her... There is a small park downstairs from my grandma's house, which is full of trees. There are almost no plants under the trees, only a layer of fine sand.Children often play here, and some people tie up hammocks to rest.Even in the hottest summer months, the sun does not come in, and these trees are enough to block the sun.When my mother let me make my own decision, I came to this small park alone.Walking to this open space reminds me of the scene of playing here when I was a child. I still remember that when I was a child, I would often dig a hole in this open space full of tall trees, then cover it with branches, and then spread a layer of floating soil on it. Such a trap is ready, and then I wait to see the unlucky appearance of the person who fell into the pit, but now I have fallen into the "trap" I dug and cannot extricate myself.

Walking on the familiar path, looking at the big trees that I have been familiar with since kindergarten, it seems that they have not changed at all, they are still tall and beautiful, but I have changed so much back then that I can't recognize it.Thinking about the future, I don't know if the decision to quit school is right for me, and I don't know if I will regret today's decision in the future.But since I can't move forward, I can only take a step back and see what happens...

Battle of the trapped beasts
My whole body is like a trapped animal, trying to get out of depression, but I can't break out, and I don't know how to break free from this invisible shackle.

what do I do?Who can save me?In countless dark nights, in countless dreams, I kept thinking and looking forward to miracles.Sometimes, looking at myself in the mirror, looking at this strange self, I don't know what to do.Who are you?What do you want to do to me?where do you want to take meHaven't you tortured me enough?The person in the mirror didn’t answer, he just stared at me, the more I hated him, the more sad his eyes were when he looked at me... When the blades and cigarette butts leave marks on my body, I still feel pain, this is Why?Why am I sharing this body with a stranger?This is not me, this is really not me, the real me is optimistic, cheerful, positive and popular!But where have I been, and how have I been replaced by such a numb, frowning, useless guy... From the day I fell into depression, I tried to break through and failed.I tried to be cheerful and enthusiastic, but this deliberate effort only made me feel like I had regained my confidence for the first few days.When my "deliberateness" continued to melt in front of reality, I knew I was back to the original point.I also try to make more friends and take the initiative to show favor to others, but the effect of this "forced" effort will disappear after a few days; I also try to express my love to the girl I like, But the indifference of the other party made me know that I was just a toad who wanted to eat swan meat... There were also a few times when I seemed to be defeated by depression. The door to happiness and confidence was suddenly opened by me.At this time, I can do what I want to do and say what I want to say without any obstacles at all.I became so excited about it and savored every minute and second because the real me was finally back...then the door closed a few hours later and I was plunged into endless darkness Among them... the more this is the case, the more I can't calm down, the more I can't face the incompetent, stupid, and depressed self in reality... Breaking through, shining, dim, and desperate, I am bound, tortured, and torn by this cycle of reincarnation And... where is my future?Where is my hope?Who can tell me?Countless times of shouting loudly in exchange for only death-like tranquility, no feedback, no twilight.

When I just dropped out of school, there was a flood in the countryside, which destroyed the rice fields of my aunt’s house. First, to help my aunt, and second, to relax my mind and adjust the confusion caused by dropping out, so I voluntarily went to my aunt’s house. With the help of my family, I did this for two months.

In the countryside, I seldom pay attention to my emotions, I just look forward to finishing my daily work early.At that time, I had to get up almost before dawn and work until dark. Although I was in good health, my hands were still covered with blisters after a few days.Neighbors also praised me for my ability to work, and some relatives suggested that I should forget about living in the countryside in the future, marry a wife, farm land, and herd cattle, and earn no less than that in the city.In fact, I have also been tempted, but I know that even if I stay in the countryside and escape the hustle and bustle of the city, it is still just another escape. If the "inner demon" does not leave, I will never find my inner peace.

Although the work in the country is hard, I don't have to think about what I should do tomorrow; although I am depressed, I don't have much time to experience it because of the heavy work. Of course I know it is still there.After returning to the city, I felt a lot more relaxed, but within a few days, the depression and despair that had been hiding all this time found me again.Because I don't have the confidence to find a job, and I don't know what I can do, so I just stay at home.But because I couldn't bear my grandmother's nagging, I could only go out to find a job in a fit of anger.But without education and skills, I can only wander in the streets, because I don't know where to look and what to look for.One day, I finally plucked up the courage to go to the bar and ask if I wanted someone, but because I was wearing glasses (at that time the waiters didn't like to recruit people with glasses), and I didn't seem confident, so I went to two bars one after another and was rejected. Refused.Because I don't have the right to give up, I can only keep looking, although I don't know if I can succeed, if I can persist, and if I can be accepted by the people around me.With this stubborn persistence, I finally found a job as a food passer in a hot pot restaurant.

The time for this job is from 300:[-] am to [-]:[-] pm, and two meals are provided, and the salary is [-] yuan per month.Although he is a food passer, he actually has to do everything.When there are no guests in the morning, I have to choose dishes and prepare tableware in the kitchen. After the basic work is ready, I have to stand in the lobby and wait for the guests to come. When there are guests, we have to say loudly: "Welcome." I just move my mouth.Afterwards, my job was to deliver the designated dishes to the guests' tables. In the beginning, I always delivered the dishes to the wrong place because of nervousness, so I was often reprimanded by the foreman.After the guests leave, I have to clear the table, and then go back to the kitchen to do the dishes.The only time to rest is between [-]:[-] pm and [-]:[-] pm, because it is the gap between lunch and dinner, and generally no guests will come.Even if I rest, I can't relax, and I am still worried about whether I can sustain my work at night.

In addition to the pressure of work, I also have psychological problems, so my brain always feels not enough, and the whole person seems to react very slowly, so I am not welcome here.I had a hard time under this kind of physical and psychological pressure, and I was frowning every day, not knowing when this kind of life would end.Suddenly I miss the time when I went to school. Although I was not happy at that time, it was still free. If I was too tired, I could not attend class, and if I was in a bad mood, I could not talk.But it’s different here. If you don’t want to lose your job, you have to keep working. If you don’t want to talk, you have to deal with customers and colleagues. No one cares about your mood, and no one will take the initiative to talk to you. Others only care about making arrangements Whether the work given to you is done well.Working all day is like sleepwalking, I can't believe this is my life, and it will be the same in the future.

The probationary period for this job is three months. At the beginning, I vowed to myself that I must work for one year. This is considered to be a job done, and I have adapted to the society.But in reality, every day is suffering for me, every day is suffering, and I don’t know how long I can last.

A few days later, a new colleague came to the store. He was very clever and good at talking, so he quickly became one with the people around him.After he came, I felt even more inferior. After all, I could comfort myself with "I am a newcomer" before, but since he came, I am more sure that I am incompetent.Some things that I think are difficult, he can easily learn, compared with him, I am stupid as hell.Maybe it's because I haven't worked since I was a child, or maybe I'm too nervous because I'm too self-deprecating. Although I really want to do my first job well, this goal seems like a very distant dream to me.

Although painful, but I still persist.But an accident a few days later made this poor dream of mine shattered.That day, I was working as usual, and I didn’t know what I did wrong. A colleague who always said bad things about me behind my back started to say that I did something wrong again, and my mouth was very dirty. I thought I hadn’t done anything wrong. I quarreled with him, almost started a fight, but in the end he saw that I was really angry and didn't say anything.That night, I was told by the supervisor of the back kitchen that I didn’t have to come to work anymore, and my chef shook his head disappointedly at me.Although losing my job made me even more disappointed and blamed myself, I also felt a sense of relief—finally I don’t have to be angry and suffer here.

When I went home that night, it was snowing outside. Watching the snowflakes fall one after another, my heart was sour that I shed tears.I just feel sorry for my mother - I can't study well, I can't even do the simplest and most basic work, I really doubt what else I can do, doubt whether I can survive alone... "The Last Supper"

Death makes people grow up suddenly.In the years when I should be young, I kept thinking about the meaning of life in my heart. Why do people live?What happens when you die?Will someone cry for me when I die?If you give me another chance, I believe I will cherish every day!I really hope that all of this is the test of God's "heavenly mission", but when will it be over?

Now in my third year of battling depression, I see no hope, though hope has sustained me.I cannot despair, but despair keeps eating me up.I thought that love could make me feel better, but I didn't expect this game to end so quickly. It seems that I can no longer find a reason to move on in the dark. I don't know how many years it will take for such humiliation and pain. It's over, I can't see ahead.

I met her in a computer class.Although I don't love her, but because of loneliness and hope that love can break through the haze in my heart, I started to pursue her.At that time, my love standard had been lowered to a very low level. As long as they were of the same age, as long as they could get along with each other, and as long as they didn't hate me, they could have a relationship. It seemed that they were in love for love's sake.My view of love has been completely distorted, only for a kind of physical satisfaction; only for being accompanied when I am lonely; I only hope that love can dilute my depression, and other things are completely out of my consideration.

This kind of pursuit, which is not considered a pursuit, made her only be my girlfriend for a day, and watched the all-night video with me, only some intimate behaviors.Maybe it was these intimate behaviors that made her treat me as a stranger the next day, and my mood fell into a trough again before I had time to recall the first intimate contact with the opposite sex.I'm sad, not because she left me, but because I failed again, and I was abandoned by a girl who didn't even look up to me.At this time, the voice of self-denial in the heart once again gained the upper hand: You can't, you can't do anything, you are a failure and a wretch.

It's all because of depression, because I can't live a normal life like others; because of depression, I can't have friendship and love; because of depression, I have experienced countless failures; Experience the despair and pain that I shouldn't have to bear at my age.Maybe everything would be different without depression.Every time I fail, my hatred for depression increases, and my desire to break free becomes stronger, but the sense of bondage that I cannot break free makes me desperate. I really hope that one day depression will leave me... Suicide is A choice, but suicide is an irreversible choice.Death is the only way out of despair and helplessness when we become helpless in despair.I've fought hopelessness for too long, I don't want hope anymore!Not long after she left me, I could no longer suppress the despair in my heart, and the idea of ​​suicide became an action.I long to end all this failure and despair.Not because of her, but because of myself.Because I can no longer struggle, no longer fight.

It was almost the Spring Festival at that time, walking on the snow-covered road, looking at the peddlers and the bustling crowd, I felt that all these things were far away from me. Although I was in it, I and others were like Living in a completely different world, I am really envious of the ordinary happiness of ordinary people. All of this has become a luxury in my eyes. It seems that the happiness that others can easily get is so hard to find in my world.Although sleeping pills have been included in the prescription drug series, I still managed to buy 200 tablets and my first pack of cigarettes. At the end of my life, I must try something I have never tried before!

It was already afternoon when I got home, and my mother was not at home, so I started to prepare for the "Last Supper" - I prepared two bottles of beer for myself, which was very bitter; I cooked some shrimp for myself, which was very difficult to eat.Weeping, thinking about my depression, thinking about my despair, thinking about my life, thinking about what will happen to my mother after death!Neither the person nor the hands in the dream appeared when I was about to end my life.Thinking, thinking, actually shed tears, flow, for the last time.A bottle of beer, a pack of cigarettes, 200 sleeping pills, no more hesitation, it's time... suddenly poured down a handful of pills with beer, bitter wine mixed with salty tears.Let myself lie flat on the kang, the kang is still hot, it is the stove my mother made for me in the morning, I don't know how she will face the reality of my leaving?In the peaceful sorrow, I gradually lost consciousness...

(End of this chapter)