Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 8 Depressed Life (3)
lure of death

Death keeps beckoning to me, telling me softly that only it can help me escape.But on the other side are the expectant eyes of my relatives, they hope that I can stand up.Which side should I choose?Should I continue this painful life for my loved ones, or run towards death and end this endless "war"... The two forces in my heart are constantly fighting, and every time I fail, it brings me one step closer to death; Feeling my family's love for me bit by bit, I became sober and tried hard to resist the temptation of death.

I don’t know how long it took before I opened my eyes. At first I wondered if this was the “Kingdom of Heaven”, but later I realized that I was still lying on the kang, where I “sleeped”.I thought: Is the medicine fake?How am I still alive.At this time, I found that my mother was by my side. She didn't say anything, but looked at me with concern.I asked her what was wrong, and she said that I had slept for a day and a night after I had my stomach washed in the hospital.But I have no impression of all this.I looked at my mother a little embarrassed, because I couldn't explain to her everything that happened... Although I vowed not to do stupid things again, the idea of ​​committing suicide never left me. repressed.Whenever despair strikes, when I am unable to fight against depression, I keep reminding myself: For my mother, I cannot give up.But when I am dissatisfied with my own performance; when I meet someone I like but can’t express my emotions; I feel like a failure and incompetent.At this time, the idea of ​​committing suicide once again gained the upper hand... Gradually, death has an indescribable magic power on me. It seems that only by falling into its embrace can I end this humiliating life and end this painful struggle.Whenever despair hits me and I am unable to fight anymore, I will make a death plan that can help me end the "war"... Later, my "plan" finally succeeded - I started with the 150 yuan I earned from a part-time job My "Trip to Dalian".

Although it is a death journey, I will still be attracted by new things during the journey, and I will also feel novelty about the various people I meet during the journey.There were several veterans sitting next to me in the car.They asked about my destination, and I just talked about Dalian for fun, with an excited expression on my face, because I didn't want them to find out my true thoughts.I really envy them. In the car, they talked about their experience as a soldier and their longing for future life. When I thought of myself, I couldn’t help feeling sad. They were full of hope for the future, but I only had Despair follows.It was after five in the morning when I arrived in Dalian. After breakfast, I wandered aimlessly around the station, admiring the scenery of Dalian.But I was already exhausted after walking too far. I wanted to take a taxi directly to the beach, and then end my life in the sea, but I was attracted by the scenery for a while, thinking that if I was in my hometown, I would never see it all in my life.Inadvertently, I saw a big billboard with the words "Psychological Counseling" written on it, as well as a service phone number. I couldn't believe my eyes, as if it was arranged by God.

Because I was too tired, I simply went into the video hall near the station to rest.Although the movie was boring, but because I had nothing to do, I just watched it patiently.Later, a scene came into my eyes, which made me cry. This clip is: a woman hugged a man who was beaten to death by the police, crying, crying... She cried so much that I I felt very uncomfortable, and I suddenly thought that when my mother heard the news of my departure, she would cry like this, crying non-stop.Mom, my mother, I couldn't hold back my tears when I thought of this, and I burst into tears unknowingly.No, it can't be like this, I can't make my mother cry, I can't let my mother get hurt again because of me, I can't make my mother like that woman in the movie, never.

It was already afternoon when I came out of the video room, and there seemed to be a force in my heart supporting me, and I was no longer as cowardly and exhausted as before.There are tears in my eyes, and there is a pang in my heart, as if a person who has lost his bones suddenly stands up. Although I know that everything is not over yet, I hope this is a new beginning.

I mustered up the courage to call the psychological counseling hotline on the billboard in the phone booth. Regardless of the opinions of many people waiting to call me, I talked about my symptoms on the other end of the phone—suicide , despair, depression, helplessness... On the other end of the phone was a middle-aged male voice who spoke standard Mandarin. He simply told me to exercise more and get in touch with people more.Although I knew everything he said, when a professional told me, I felt as if I had found a treasure, and the flame of hope was ignited in front of my eyes again.

Although my mother told me that even if I die, she will live on for her parents.But she will also be in pain for the rest of her life because of my departure.If I persevere, even if I am in pain, depression, and despair, there will always be one person who is happy because of my existence, and that is my mother.Therefore, even a painful life is still meaningful to me, because this pain can be exchanged for the joy and happiness of my mother.I was going to take a taxi to the beach with the remaining 50 yuan, but because I watched this video and thought of my mother, I called home to report that I was safe, and it happened to be my grandfather who answered the phone. Worry about me, it's fine, come back soon.So I used the remaining money to buy a return ticket... I didn't die, I had to live well, because there was love that made me miss it!
because of love
In the past, it was my family who refused to let me die, but now I realize that I cannot die. "Journey to Dalian" made me realize that even a painful life can find the meaning of living in pain.I am alive, and my endless pain can at least save my mother from suffering. Although her son has no achievements, at least she still has a son; at least, she is not nothing.After returning from Dalian, I have never committed suicide again, because the pain can no longer knock me down, and I have found a reason to bear this pain.Although I was desperate, I still tried to see a glimmer of hope in the despair, that is, no matter what, my mother's happiness is my greatest comfort.I must not allow my mother to live in pain for the rest of my life, although this choice may require me to bear the pain of depression and hopelessness alone for a lifetime.Even if I give up, I have to wait until my mother is not around. Maybe then I really have nothing to worry about, maybe then I will no longer be able to find the meaning of living in despair.

All these transformations only happened at the moment when I was about to end my life, and only when I was so close to death, did I realize what is most important to me in life, not pain, not despair, but love!For love, I am willing to suffer; for love, I dare to face despair.

When my grandmother educated me, she often said: "Man, it is easy to do a good deed, but it is difficult to do good deeds for a lifetime." Looking back now, what I want to say to her is: "Man, it is easy to love someone for a while, but the difficult thing is to do good deeds for a lifetime." Spend your whole life loving someone.” But I was lucky enough to get such love from my grandmother and mother.If it wasn't for love, I wouldn't be where I am today. If it wasn't for love, life would have long since ceased to mean anything to me, and I wouldn't have moved on in despair... I cheered up again, and Once I took living for my mother as my raison d'être, but this time I was more determined and resolute than ever.

In order to earn more money, I started a rickshaw business after returning from Dalian.I thought about doing this before, but I was ashamed to do it because of face, but now I am not afraid of death, so what face do I care about?Although people who are familiar in the small town will always bow their heads and see them, but I can't take care of that much anymore.

The first time I went on the road was around [-] o'clock in the evening. I was not used to it at first. I had never ridden a "backward riding donkey" before. Tired arms, and sitting for hours, the butt is really too much.I didn't work too late that night, and I went home after ten o'clock. Although I only worked for more than two hours, I still earned eight yuan.When I got home, I was very excited, like a general who had won a battle. Watching my mother counting the money, I felt unspeakably happy, because after so many years, I finally did something that made my mother happy and proud .

Although this is not a decent job, my grandma always said to me: "You can earn money with your own hard work. It is still very honorable if you don't steal or rob." I am very happy to tell the neighbors that I am her grandson. When the old people around praise me for being able to endure hardship at such a young age, my grandma always smiles. I know she is happy for me, because I can Take pride in doing "business".At that time, my grandma would always compare me with some "elderly people" who stayed at home or those who did not find a job after going to college, and said to me seriously: "You are much better than them." Just like me Gave her credit.Although I didn't think I was really good at the time, I was still very happy when my grandma said that.I haven’t heard such encouragement for many years. I have made my family worry enough over the years, and when I achieved this little achievement, my family is proud of my efforts, and they are not at all embarrassed by my low-level work feel ashamed.

This small town is my hometown. I thought I knew everything about this city, but I found out that there are too many places I don’t know when I really do this job. Sometimes I know a certain place but I can’t name it. I have never heard of some places at all, and I have done a lot of wrongful work for this reason.After two months of the golden period, it slowly entered the winter.The winter in the Northeast comes early and is extremely cold, so the business has also been affected to some extent, but earning 600 yuan a month can always be guaranteed.My uncle also specially bought me a pair of suede boots like those worn by railway workers in Shenyang. Although they are ugly, they are very warm. I can wear a thick down jacket and a hat that my mother wove for me. The weather lasted for a day.When it was too cold, I would keep stomping, smoking, and chatting with the people around me who were waiting for work.No one treats you like a child outside, even though they are much older than me.

I am almost the youngest practitioner in this industry, so people often give me strange looks.Some customers who have been in my car often ask me: "How do you do this at such a young age?" Many times I don't know how to answer. After all, I gave up my studies not because my family was poor, but because of psychological problems.But at that time, who in a small town like my hometown could understand, who could understand?However, once I took three people in the car, one of them asked me this question: "Young man, how do you do this at such a young age?" Before I could answer, another middle-aged woman in the car said seriously. Said: "Do this now, in order not to do this in the future." The person who asked didn't say anything more.Although I can't remember the appearance of that guest now, I can hear the respect and encouragement from her words. She didn't look down on me because of my work, but because I can start from the lowest level of work. hope for the future.Maybe it was a sentence she said inadvertently, but this sentence has always inspired me: Do this now, so that you will not do this in the future.As much as I wish I could do what she said, I wasn't really sure at the time if I could do it.But at the lowest point of life, a little respect and encouragement from others will become so unforgettable.

Now that I think about this job, I can do it for a longer time, maybe because I don’t have to deal with people in depth, there are no colleagues, only guests.So I don't have to care about my own performance, and I don't have to care about what others think of me, after all, we all meet by chance.I am not afraid of hard work, but I am afraid that when I see others can talk and laugh happily, and get close to them freely, I can't do anything.Even if I behave well in front of others, I am always afraid that others will find out that I am not good. I am afraid that if others get along with me for a long time, they will naturally discover my dullness, incompetence and failure.So I dare not get close to others, and only communicate with others when I have to.Once I saw my buddy Wang Haifeng on the street, and seeing him go to school with his classmates, I immediately felt that he was so happy, but I didn't even have the courage to say hello to him.I can't make my friend happy, maybe he would be happier with someone else.Thinking of this, my mood became even more depressed... Time passed quickly, and another year passed in a blink of an eye.Later, I entered my mother's factory as a temporary worker.At that time, the short-term peace in my heart came from the dull and boring life.An ordinary life will make me encounter fewer things and fewer people, so that it will not cause waves in my heart, and will make me temporarily forget the pain and helplessness.Although friendship and love are what I look forward to, they are also what I fear.Because I can't love people, I don't know how to make others feel my love, it seems that there is something wrong with my "organ" to transmit love and receive love, when I feel love from others, or I want to love When you are someone, you will become irritable, easy to blame yourself, and feel hopeless.As much as I've tried repeatedly to restore this ability to connect emotionally with others, I've always failed.

Thinking about it now, the problem may lie in: a person who doesn't love himself; a person who looks down on himself; a person who solves problems by avoiding; ;a person who does not believe that he is worthy of love; a person who only feels sorry for himself, but does not dare to pursue bravely...how, how can he be loved by others, and establish an emotional connection with others?
gradually see the light
And so, I continued on in the agony of despair, not knowing where I was going, but with no choice but to persevere.Perseverance in despair is only for the happiness of the person I love, and pain has become a part of life.But I still haven't given up the hope of "coming out", although this kind of hope seems to me to be a kind of self-deception.However, if you can’t die, you can only say to yourself: Maybe one day it will get better!

"One day it will get better!" I don't know how many days and nights this distant hope has accompanied me.Sometimes this sentence is as ethereal as dewdrops, which disappear quickly as soon as the sun comes out.At that time, I was afraid of the sun, the sun meant the beginning of the day, and I had to experience inner torment, the torment of despair.At night, although it is dark, you can think quietly and lick the wound left by the day alone.

Finally one day, I saw the light.On that day, I just came out of school for two full years.By chance, I watched an episode of the talk show "Heaven's Proud Son, Why Suicide", the host is Ma Dong.The subjects he interviewed were two Peking University students who had attempted suicide. The reason for their suicide was depression.I remember the experience of one of the female students who attempted suicide was like this: because of depression, she wanted to commit suicide, and she had never been to Mount Tai, so she wanted to end her life on Mount Tai.But when she arrived at Mount Tai, she only had 40 yuan left, and the ticket that year was 60 yuan. When the staff learned the reason for her coming to Mount Tai, they sent her back to school.She later recovered after three months of treatment.So she boldly went on TV, calling on the whole society to pay attention to psychological problems.

After watching this program, I was very excited. Finally, I finally learned that depression can be treated in Beijing, and it can be successfully treated within three months.In order to get more information about the guests, I wrote down the contact information of the column team, and then wrote a letter to the column team, hoping to tell me where the two guests were treated, but I have not received a reply since I sent the letter .

(End of this chapter)