Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 9 Depressed Life (4)
Although the column team did not reply to my letter, these two students are from Peking University. If I go to Peking University to find these two students and ask where they were treated, maybe I still have hope.So, when my high school classmates were taking the college entrance examination, my mother followed me to Beijing and Peking University.Maybe it's a coincidence, maybe it's an arrangement of fate—my former classmates and I are facing life turning points at the same time. Although our goals are different, the meaning to the whole life is equally important.After a night of bumpy train rides, my mother and I finally arrived at Peking University.We walked on the long road of Peking University and felt as if we had walked into a park.Looking at the students walking on the campus, the newly built library, and the couple sitting on the grass, I can't help feeling a little sad—when will I find their happiness?When they are working hard for their own future, I am fighting against myself. What a fate and what an injustice!Thinking of the students who are taking the college entrance examination, they will also enter the university campus to start a new life after a while, but where is my happiness?
After walking for a while, I began to ask the surrounding students about the two classmates who had been on TV, but because I forgot their names, no one knew who I was looking for.At Peking University, I don’t know the name and department, and it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack just by looking for someone who has been on TV.Later, some well-meaning classmates told me that I could go to Peking University Hospital to have a look, and maybe I could find new clues.

The Peking University Hospital at that time was a single-family two-story building. When we walked into the small building, we found that the scale of the school hospital was relatively small. My mother and I went to the second floor to find a doctor in a white coat.Jian Jian explained my reason for coming to the doctor. He thought I wanted treatment here, so he told me that the beds here were full, so I had to go to Peking University Sixth Hospital (Peking University Sixth Hospital) to see if treatment could be provided.Although I still didn't find the person I was looking for here, nor did I get the treatment I hoped for, but it was a worthwhile trip.

The Sixth Hospital of Peking University is a specialized hospital for the treatment of mental illness.The main building was still an ordinary small building when I went there, but there were a lot of patients who came to see the doctor. You can hear different accents from all over the country here, which also strengthened my confidence in healing—after all, this is Beijing. , and the Sixth Hospital is one of the few hospitals in Beijing that treats mental illness, so I have a feeling that I am in the right place.

Because there are many patients from all over the world like me, my mother chatted with some people who also brought their children for treatment, which made me worry.A mother and son who also came to Beijing for treatment, their hometown in Inner Mongolia, have been in Beijing for almost a month, because the treatment is not enough once, they need to come for treatment regularly, the mother and son rent a basement in Beijing, 450 yuan per month, In addition to treatment and meals, it will cost 2000 yuan per month, which requires frugality.We brought a total of 1000 yuan to Beijing this time. I was really worried about whether this money would be able to cure well. If I want to stay in Beijing for treatment, I don’t know what my life will be like in the future. what will happen.

I did not know until I registered that there are two types of consultation appointments: ordinary number and expert number. Because there are too many people who come to see a doctor, the expert number for the day has been sold out, so I can only make an appointment with the ordinary number.But I came to Beijing all the way, I am still such a serious patient (I think so), of course I have to find the best doctor, although I can register for a regular account immediately, but I still decided to make an appointment with a specialist tomorrow, and my mother had to listen to me Views.

After finishing these things, it was dark, and we had to find a place to live next, but we dare not ask for a big hotel. My mother and I found a small hotel in a small alley, and the standard room was 50 yuan. Although it was too expensive, I still asked, but there were no vacant rooms.We couldn't find a suitable hotel in the hospital area, so my mother and I had to sleep overnight on the waiting bench of the third hospital not far from the sixth hospital.Tired from the journey, I soon fell asleep.When I woke up the next day, my mother was up early, and she told me she hadn't slept all night.At this time, my heart felt sore again, because at this age, I still can't be filial to my mother, and let her run around with me in order to see a doctor for me. Thinking of this makes me feel very uncomfortable.So I pinned all my hopes on the treatment that day, hoping that the best place in China, the best hospital, could cure my disease, so that my mother's painstaking efforts to love me would not be in vain.

The process of waiting is also a kind of happiness, as if the long-awaited door of happiness is about to open to me.In the hospital, my mood was much calmer, and I was full of hope for treatment.Experts usually visit in the morning and only make appointments for six patients. The treatment time for the first few patients is not long. Basically, each of them will end in two to three 10 minutes, so it will be my turn soon.When I walked through that door, I had mixed feelings: excitement, hope, and the desire to confide.I don't know what will be waiting for me when I walk through the door of that consulting room.Will it be like in a dream: a person, a pair of hands, lead me out of the haze and regain my new life.

Walking into the door, I found that the layout of the consultation room was no different from that of ordinary hospitals. A few crude tables were scattered in the room of more than 60 square meters. Through the window, you could see the trees and pedestrians on both sides of the street.The doctor is a woman who looks to be around [-] or [-] years old, wearing a white coat, and sitting opposite her are three or four young people also wearing white coats, maybe young doctors or graduate students who are here to study.Although there are still "bystanders" in the consulting room, some are reluctant to tell my "story" in front of so many people, but I can't care so much for treatment.Seeing that the wooden stool on the side of the doctor's large desk was empty, I sat down. The doctor didn't look at me, but just lowered his head and held a pen and asked, "Can you tell me about your situation?"

My situation, I finally waited until someone asked me about my situation, I took out the prepared illness statement (I wrote the illness on a few pages, for fear of forgetting it at a critical moment), and tried to suppress my excitement and read it my illness.From beginning to end, although less embellished, it described in detail my state of mind at the time.It was just strange when I read it. The doctor didn't look up at me from the beginning to the end, but the students around me were paying attention to me and listening to my condition.At that time, I just felt like a guinea pig on a test bench being observed by a group of people, but for the sake of treatment, it didn't matter if I was "observed" by everyone.

In less than 20 minutes, I finally finished my "long speech" and looked up at the doctor. She was still recording what I just said, and still didn't look at me.Just as I was waiting for her to say something to me, even if it was a little bit of sympathy, she just said "indifferently": "You can go out and let your mother come in." Maybe she is used to listening to the world. Pain and disturbance, the doctor's "indifference" made me feel at a loss. I don't know whether this indifference is part of the treatment or a kind of indifference.After leaving the door of the consulting room, my mood fell from a peak to a trough, wondering whether she would talk to me for a while or have follow-up treatment after talking with my mother.

After I came out, my mother went in, and she came out in less than 10 minutes. When I asked her what the doctor asked or said, she didn't say anything.Finally the nurse took me for a psychological test.After answering the questions carefully, I went into the consulting room with my mother again.This time the doctor finally talked to me, she said that I had mild depression (I doubted this diagnosis at the time, I was considered mild, I don’t know if severe depression has long since passed away), and prescribed me some He also told us not to come to Beijing in the future, but to go directly to the psychiatric hospital in Changchun.After picking up the medicine at the pharmacy, my treatment ended.

Maybe it was because my expectations were too high and I came to Beijing full of hope. I came to the best mental illness treatment center in Beijing, but I got the advice that I don’t need to go to Changchun in the future. I got nothing but medicine.Could this be therapy?Is this the best hospital in China? Is this the expert?I don't know, if I have money, I want to go to the United States to see what the best psychotherapy and psychiatrists are like.From that moment on, I became a little desperate for Beijing and for treatment, and I even spread this despair on my mother.When I left the hospital, I was walking on an unfamiliar road with my mother, and I even lost my temper with my mother, because I didn't want to go back like this, and I didn't want to end the treatment I had searched for all the way, and I didn't want to fall into despair again. Zhongzheng treatment gave me hope, but the result made me even more desperate.

When my mother was taking the medicine, I found a small window selling psychological books on the first floor of the hospital, and found a book about depression called "Getting Out of Depression", which was written by a British psychologist.With a few boxes of Celeste (medicine for treating depression) and this book, I waited like a refugee at the Beijing station overnight, and took the train home with my mother the next day... Although the treatment disappointed me, But the drug and the book were the light in the despair.Maybe it will work, maybe I will really get better, maybe I blame the doctor wrong, because taking the pills will stabilize the mood, so the expert doesn't need to talk too much, maybe this is the treatment, and it is her treatment style.Along the way, I don't know whether to explain to the doctors of the Sixth Hospital or to comfort myself.Although the journey home was not as full of anticipation as when I went there, it gave me new hope because of the medicine and this book - I really hope that this is also the beginning of a new life.

new life
The medicine prescribed in Beijing was only enough for one month. From the hope of the medicine at the beginning, to the disappointment after one month, my miracle did not happen under the effect of the medicine, my mood did not really improve, the sense of isolation from the world did not disappear, and my inferiority complex And self-denial remains, as before.And I don't want to spend my hard-earned money on a pill that doesn't work because it doesn't bring the response and results I was hoping for.So when I finished taking the medicine I brought back from Beijing, I completely gave up the medical treatment.

Life goes on, and so does depression.But I have a guide book for fighting depression. Although I didn’t improve much at first, I sometimes doubt whether I can really get out of it through a book. After all, the book also says that a book cannot replace professional treatment.Unfortunately, I was not born in the UK. The so-called professional treatment is just a luxury for me. I can only stick to it according to the method in the book.

After returning from Beijing, my life gradually became "strange". Because the book said that exercise can relieve depression, so I started long-distance running.Sometimes, when I didn't get off work at five o'clock in the morning, I ran a 5000-meter run on the road and came back while the leader was away.When I’m busy at get off work, I can only ride my bike to the stadium near my home and run a 5000-meter run without eating after work. Although I am very tired, I want to go home and sleep because of the night’s work, but for treatment, no matter how hard it is, how tired I am I am not afraid, because "tired" is really nothing compared to despair and helplessness.Sometimes people play football in the stadium, and I will play with them for a while after running. Although I still feel inferior to them, I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to become friends with them, but for that “hope” I I am persisting, because I know that I can no longer avoid the crowd, avoid life, and can no longer "retreat and practice". Only by engaging in life can I find new hope and possibility.

"Getting Out of Depression" mentioned that the first step to getting out of depression is to be active, do something that makes you feel even a little bit of happiness, and don't escape life because you can't experience happiness, even if you can only experience a little bit Happiness is also worth it, because happiness is like saving, it needs to be accumulated, not suddenly happy.And encourage yourself from small progress, instead of expecting yourself to achieve a big success all at once to affirm yourself.In the past, I was always indulging in my own unhappiness, but I never did anything for my own happiness, and happiness is like saving, even if I did not achieve the happiness I expected, even if the feeling of unhappiness did not happen in the short term because of me With our hard work, we get better, but "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step".

"Get out of the hiding place, instead of feeling sorry for yourself!" Yes, I have hidden and closed myself for too long, and the old friends are all in the past, but I really miss them and really want to do them again Friends, I really want to have my own friends and lovers like others, instead of hiding in the corner and crying. "Laugh, the whole world laughs and cries at you, and you are the only one crying to the corner!" Yes, why not go out?Why continue to demean yourself for being introverted and inarticulate?Why continue to think of yourself as a loser and a wretch?Although hard work may fail, not hard work is doomed to failure.Since I yearn for the life of a normal person, why can't I live like a normal person?
A month later, I finally mustered up the courage to knock on the door of my good friend Wang Haifeng's house.I remember one year during the Lantern Festival, he met me who was the most downcast, but he still wanted to take a photo with me, and this photo is still in my photo album.Maybe he won't reject me, maybe he won't belittle me, maybe he will still regard me as a friend... Although his home is only one station away from my grandmother's, I dare not go to his house for five years, I didn't dare to contact him again for five years. When I met him on the street, I still pretended to turn a blind eye. I was afraid that he would look down on me.

This time, under the encouragement of "sometimes the key to success is that we don't give up our efforts despite the gloomy prospects", I finally summoned up the courage to knock on the door of my friend's house in the hope of being reborn in despair.I was afraid that he would not be at home, I was worried that he would not remember me, and I was worried that he would be cold to me because I didn't contact me for a long time, but none of this happened.When he saw me, he called out, "Fengjian (my original name), where have you been? Why haven't I been able to find you for so many years?" I just lowered my head and said, "It's hard to say. You say." He is much more handsome than when he was young, and seeing that I seemed to have endless things to say, I felt a little guilty because of my illness, I had neglected and avoided my friends for so many years, and he still treated me Keep it in your heart.

I briefly talked to him about why I "disappeared" all these years, and he listened to my story with his big eyes blinking, but I felt confused in his eyes.After all, what was depression and what was a mental disorder was not known to the general public at that time.I don't expect him to understand, I only expect his forgiveness, forgive me for "disappearing" for so many years, forgive me for "forgetting" him all the time, I just want him to understand that all this is not my original intention, but out of have no choice.In the end I told him that I just came back from Beijing and I was in treatment, now I am not the same as before, everything will be fine, we will still be best friends, although our friendship was broken for five years, but it will be from now on With each other for life.

(End of this chapter)