Meet you in the most beautiful years

Chapter 10
My man, if I am by your side at this time, you will understand how I love you!Thinking of your goodness makes me weak myself.Didn't I say it before: "When you are angry with me, I know how I love you." Now you are not angry with me, and now you must be thinking of someone far away.I think about all your past with tears in my eyes!

(Letter from Shen Congwen to Zhang Zhaohe on January 1934, 1)

Thinking of the woman he loves deeply in his life, drifting on the important water in his life, this kind of situation is so emotional.More than ten years ago, he left Fenghuang County and came to the outside world through this waterway.At that time, he had no possessions, and his future was uncertain, only sorrow and unwillingness.Now, drifting on the same water, he is no longer the melancholy boy he used to be. He has words to keep him warm, and he has Sansan.

The wind was so strong that my hands and feet were terribly cold, but my heart was warm.But I don't understand why, my heart is always very soft.I want to be close to you so that I won't feel sad.I seem to be the same person I was more than ten years ago, alone, with nothing but a long body, going up on a ship loaded with military uniforms, not sure about my future, all I hope is a four-year-a-month recorder position, but others did not allow me to have this opportunity.I want to read something, but there is no book around me.I want to go ashore, but I don't have any money.When I got to the shore and had to go ashore to play, I had no choice but to wear someone else’s military uniform and go ashore empty-handed, to see everything on the street, to appreciate the sliced ​​candy on the small street, and a pile of peanuts for a copper dollar. ... Sansan, the most beautiful days of a person's life, from the age of 15 to [-], happened to pass under such circumstances. Think about it, how did you survive!Unexpectedly, today I actually went to this river again, on such a small boat, thinking about reviewing all the past!What is even more unexpected is that I am on such a small boat today, thinking of a gentle and beautiful face far away, and how this black-faced person is worried about me in another place!My fate is so interesting. ...Love me, because only you can make me happy!
(Letter from Shen Congwen to Zhang Zhaohe on January 1934, 1)

On the afternoon of January 1, Shen Congwen finally arrived in Chenzhou, getting closer to Phoenix.Chenzhou has different emotions for him. This land accepts and buries his youth, and his life starts from here.In Chenzhou, he had many frothy dreams, including becoming a general in the future, including writing poems for fair-faced girls.More than ten years later, he became a writer and fell madly in love with a black-faced girl.How many mysterious connections are there in life?

Sansan, I have arrived at the small river of "Baizi", and I am about to go to the hometown of "Cui Cui"!The sun in the middle of the day is good, and the scenery has softened a lot. I miss you, and my heart has changed from enthusiasm to tender love.My heart is full of you, there are tens of thousands of words, there are countless words, a lot of smiles, a lot of kisses, all stored in my heart for you!When I see everyone at home, I must be thinking of you, and there will be some nonsense between the questions and answers that people can't understand.Someone may ask me: "You are good in Peking!" I will say: "I have a dark face, so Peking is also very good!"

Sansan, last night and tonight, the stars and the new moon are both beautiful, especially when looking at the sky from the boat.No matter how cold I look, I still watched Xingzi for a long time.If you see the big star in the sky tonight or every night, we can seem to be a little closer from the dim light of this star.Because every night, this star, like your eyes, will be stared at by me for a moment.

(Letter from Shen Congwen to Zhang Zhaohe on January 1934, 1)

A love letter is still precious after the smoke and dust of time. As a witness, the love letter is the mirror of memory. In 1929, Lu Xun once quoted Wei Congwu's rumors to Xu Guangping, talking about the writer Gao Changhong's pursuit of Bing Xin, "Changhong wrote to Bing Xinxin, which has been read for three years, and it has become a large bundle. After Bing Xin gets married this year, she will give the bundle to her man. , when he was traveling, he threw it into the sea whenever he saw it, and he disappeared in a few days." It's really confusing.

Your heart pleases you, you don't hesitate, even so, please cherish it.You can spare the person who loves you, so why use that person's love letter as a token of loyalty, give it to your man to appreciate it as a joke, and then throw it away like trash?Everything in the world is caused by cause and effect. In the face of a relationship, even if it is not what you want, you should use a humble, quiet and grateful heart, respect the dedication of that heart, and act like a compassionate Buddha to resolve it with kindness.The breeze is long and the sky is unobstructed.

Therefore, the love between Shen Congwen and Zhang Zhaohe is a gift of fate to each other. It is so beautiful that the two love each other and stay together for a lifetime.Although life has such and such episodes, although the ending of the princess and prince living happily together is just a fiction of fairy tales, life is never a one-act play, an emotion, only experiencing mixed joys and sorrows, ups and downs, sinking down like deep still water, It is the most reliable romance.

From then on, their days, although the four seasons rotate, but there is always a spring, which is always there.

To be close to you, I leave this world
She was first moved by his love letters.Of course, if this is considered a design, then maybe she would be willing to win [-] such designs.

After all, not everyone in the world has the ability to use words as a gentle weapon.

And the most important thing is that no one can replace their feelings for each other.

She was once a brilliant figure in Chinese public schools, and she had many suitors at that time, including Wang Hualian's disclosure of "an outstanding young man sent by the national government to study in Japan", as well as Wu Han, a later famous historian.She only accepted Shen Congwen, because she was deeply moved by his persistence, and also because she loved his talent, and the richness of his writing moved her.

His articles are meant to be read by people all over the world, but he only writes a love letter for her alone.Naturally, such a person can conquer even Zhang Zhaohe, a lonely and famous lady, and it is impossible that no one will love him.Even when he was willing to become a slave and crazily pursued his black-faced beauties, there were girls who were willing to be his slaves.

Later, he met Gao Qingzi, and several "accidents" in his life.Without exception, they admired his talent, and he was so refined and unrestrained.When Gao Qingzi, a literary young woman, deliberately imitated the dress of the heroine in his novel and stood shyly in front of him, at that moment, he was lost for a moment.Even, the complex emotions growing like weeds affected his creation at that time, so there were "accidental" in "Looking at the Rainbow" and "Water Cloud".

Some people say that once there is marriage, there is no love. It is said that once people who love each other stay together forever, they will just love each other and hate each other until they grow old.But there are encounters everywhere in life, and it is impossible to see each other forever.True emotion must go through dangerous shoals before it can be said to be romantic.

Zimo Red Dust, the whirling world, many sweet temptations, is the catastrophe of a lover.After decades of married life, time will fade the initial color.But even if he is distracted for a moment, he will be like a child lost in the vast crowd, panicked and at a loss, he is afraid that he will lose his woman from now on.In this world, even if there is only one bumpy path that can lead to his lover, he will walk away from thousands of roads and trek to her side.

After marriage, they had two children.The days that followed were the simplest of life, daily necessities, living expenses, and going out to make a living. Of course, once they were separated, it would be an affectionate letter from home.

It's just that this peace has also become a luxury.The Anti-Japanese War broke out, the city was full of gunpowder, and every day in a dangerous city, life was only left to live safely, and all the tenderness turned into trivial exhortations.He was forced to flee, while she was stranded in Peiping, with her child, suffering on the knife's edge.During those days, we today cannot imagine that we were lucky to survive, but in her letter to her second brother, she only sighed for the love letter destroyed by the war.

Life turned his little woman into a "little mother".Although the flowering period has passed and the face is getting old, this love is always warm.The madness that was bright and fierce at the beginning, like the youth that has passed away, is no longer dazzling, but the love quenched in the years has synthesized tolerance, adversity, family affection, caring and spiritual resonance, which is longer than passion, deeper than fanaticism, and becomes It has become a flexibility that has become stronger over time.

The war separated them for more than a year. In November 1938, Zhang Zhaohe, who escaped from Peiping, was finally reunited with her husband in Yunnan. From then on until returning to Peiping in 11, the former third lady of the Zhang family became the strongest housewife, making the small nest under the dangerous city always have The warmth of home.Shen Congwen recalled his life in Chenggong, Yunnan, and said:
Of the nine years, living in Chenggong for the last two years is really the most memorable. Everything seems to be arranged right, and everything is close to ideal, so the family is living a very healthy life.People only tidy up their homes when it’s the holidays, but we seem to be celebrating the holidays every day.The encouragement given to us by the children is of course great, but Zhaohe should be most grateful for his physical health, kindness in temperament, never giving up in difficulties, and his eternal enthusiasm for family affairs and duties. What makes the whole family happy and happy.

After the Anti-Japanese War ended, Shen Congwen transferred from Kunming to Peking University to teach, and the life of the family gradually improved.But even greater catastrophe looms. In 1948, Guo Moruo published "Condemnation of Reactionary Literature and Art" in "Popular Literature and Art Series", labeling Shen Congwen as a "pink writer", accusing him of "always consciously active as an opposition", and completely negating the significance of Shen Congwen's creation And the result is a thorough criticism and subversion.

Feeling extremely depressed, this summer, Shen Congwen and his friends vacationed at Jiqingxuan near the Summer Palace.Letters once again became a channel for Second Brother and Sansan to talk and comfort each other.

When I wrote this letter, I wrote it in such a happy, loving and trivial way like a love letter!You don't understand, I have to be alone to digest everything about you and become a belief, a personality, and a strength!
I went back to Zhonglao Hutong, couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night, and thought of many things: first, you moved me so much, everything is like this, how can I thank you in my life?
……

When you are far away from you, you seem to be closer to me.Because what is slowly approaching is a kind of beauty in character that is mixed in the impression and memory, not anything else.This is truly the highest joy in life!Simply divine. ... I look in the mirror, my hair is getting whiter and whiter, but from the perspective of my mood, as long as I think about all the benefits of you in the past 15 years, my heart will become younger and younger.

……

Little mother, life itself is a miracle, and you are a miracle of miracles.I am satisfied with so many tender and touching portraits in my life!What is even more moving is the fact that you have accepted life with courage and energy in the countryside of Yunnan for eight years. There are more touching movies or novels in the world, such scenes are bright and bright, and the background is so simple...

(Letter from Shen Congwen to Zhang Zhaohe on January 1948, 7)

The person who affected Shen Congwen's life, if it hurt the most, was Guo Moruo.After the publication of that critical article, Shen Congwen was the first to be criticized in the context of the frenzy of left-wing ideological trends.What hurt his heart the most was that the students he taught put up slogans on campus, copied Guo Moruo's critical articles, and kept saying that they wanted to "knock down" him.

Shen Congwen was full of emotions throughout his life, and his perception of things was full of keen spirituality.His articles seldom involve politics. He only expresses his inner feelings, local nature and the true feelings of the world. He doesn't understand why he has become a criticized reactionary writer in a blink of an eye when there were so many readers who loved him.He began to be in a trance and nearly collapsed.

On Liang Sicheng's suggestion and with the consent of his family, he moved into Tsinghua Garden for recuperation.The future is uncertain and life is becoming more and more difficult. Zhang Zhaohe bears the pressure and frequently comforts and comforts Shen Congwen in letters.

I have always been very strong, and I feel that no matter what, I must support you through this difficulty no matter what.But people treat us well, and treat us with nothing in return, which makes me feel so sad!
(Letter from Zhang Zhaohe to Shen Congwen on February 1949, 2)

"We have to live through the most difficult times, and don't ask for help. It doesn't matter if we do a small business." You said, I can live, for you, I will finally struggle!But the wind and rain are bound to come, and we have no shelter.How long can I struggle without my nerves collapsing, only God knows!Can I struggle with fate?
Little mother, your love, all your kindness to me, can't save me from being harmed.This is fate.I have to sacrifice.I didn't go south, but staying here, I was determined to make sacrifices for my children to be educated in the new environment!One should give up hope for a sinking boat and give love to the next generation.

(Letter from Shen Congwen to Zhang Zhaohe on January 1949, 2)

At this time, with the encouragement and help of Zhang Zhaohe, a general of the Northeast Field Army at that time, Zhang Zhaohe’s former alumni, Zhang Zhaohe decided to go to North China University for further study and welcome the founding of New China with a positive attitude.Shen Congwen, who was in a trance, was undoubtedly shocked when he heard the news. He thought that even the woman he loved the most would abandon him.

He can endure material poverty, but only mental torture can hit his vitals.I remember the early autumn more than ten years ago, when he was in Qingdao, but his heart stayed in Suzhou. The little woman with dark face occupied his whole body and mind, how happy he was.He wanted to sing, so he wrote the song in his heart in "Little Scenery under the Moon":

Although a bird with wings can fly into the sky, I can fly into your heart without wings.

I don't have to ask where is heaven, I'm already sitting at the gate of heaven.

Now, he thinks it's time to give up his life. He thinks that only by freeing himself can the family have a way out.At this moment, he misses the Xiangxi land that gave birth to him, Tuojiang River and Yuanshui River, and he wants to return to heaven with the love of the world.

On March 3, Shen Congwen, who was on the verge of collapse, muttered to himself: "I am from Hunan... I am from Fenghuang..." While cutting the veins in his neck and wrist with a razor, he drank kerosene...

He failed to commit suicide, but Zhang Zhaohe's cousin Zhang Zhonghe rescued him.After waking up, the mental fear and trance became more and more serious.What he was most worried about was that Zhang Zhaohe would leave him. On September 9, he said in a letter to Ding Ling:

(End of this chapter)