Meet you in the most beautiful years

Chapter 19 Lu Xiaoman: When I write that the lake and mountains are always lonely (3)
In early November, Xu Zhimo returned to Shanghai from abroad.He expects Lu Xiaoman to calm down, reflect on his consciousness, study and paint every day, as he painstakingly persuaded, and his mental outlook will be refreshed.But the Lu Xiaoman he saw when he went home was neither the Lu Xiaoman when he left, nor the Lu Xiaoman he imagined.

She was pale, emaciated, and emaciated. Their home became half an opium den, and Weng Ruiwu entered the room like a half master.Lu Xiaoman's out-of-control extravagant life became even worse in the months after he left.

Their marriage has gradually entered the grave.

In 1929, Xu Zhimo resigned from Soochow University and Daxia University, and retained his teaching position at Shanghai Guanghua University. Later, he taught at Nanjing Central University, traveling between Nanjing and Shanghai.

In the autumn of 1930, at the invitation of Hu Shi, Xu Zhimo came to Beijing to subsidize an astonishing amount of household expenses. He taught at Peking University and Beijing Women's Normal University respectively, and mobilized Lu Xiaoman to go north with him, but Lu Xiaoman refused.

Lu Xiaoman is unwilling to leave Shanghai.Shanghai is a colorful place for debauchery and debauchery. Shanghai has a lazy and luxurious life. More importantly, Shanghai can openly smoke opium. Shanghai has Weng Ruiwu. Her pain and fainting problems cannot be separated from them.

Therefore, she would rather her man go out and earn money to support the family, and she would rather lie lazily on the cigarette couch like a soft maggot and smoke, rather than move from Shanghai to live another kind of life.

Liang Qichao's original precepts must have had some effect on him.The old man once said, "I hope this is the last time you get married", so when a friend suggested that Xu Zhimo leave Lu Xiaoman, and even Jiang Dongxiu, who has always been conservative, echoed this suggestion, Xu Zhimo refused to accept it. He said that if he Leaving Lu Xiaoman at this moment, she is completely ruined.He remembered Mr. Liang Qichao's precepts, he wanted to speak up for himself and for Lu Xiaoman, explaining that his original choice was not wrong.

But he already felt the pain deeply. On March 1931, 3, he wrote a letter to Lu Xiaoman in Beijing, saying:

I have been watching for several years, but I can't hold on to a single opportunity. There is not a day when you are not engaged (dating), and we have never had privacy (private life).As of lately, I've become partially numb and don't want that kind of worldly happiness.Even if I celebrate my birthday before I leave, you don't know.

——(Xu Zhimo to Lu Xiaoman)
In April 1931, Xu's mother was critically ill. Xu Zhimo returned home from Beijing to visit, and discussed with his father to let Lu Xiaoman come to Xiashi. Xu Shenru firmly opposed it, but let Zhang Youyi take charge of the housework. On April 4, when Xu's mother passed away, Lu Xiaoman came to attend the funeral, but Xu Shenru refused to let her in. Lu Xiaoman could only stay in a hotel temporarily and returned to Shanghai that day.

Obviously, although Xu Zhimo divorced Zhang Youyi, the daughter-in-law recognized by the Xu family is still Zhang Youyi and not Lu Xiaoman.She couldn't bear such humiliation, so she could only complain to Xu Zhimo.Xu Zhimo also felt that his father's actions were inappropriate, so he wrote to Lu Xiaoman:

If my family bullies you, it means bullying me.It is true that I cannot protect my beloved wife and I cannot protect myself.I was so upset that I had nothing to say, and the source of the injustice was my own father. I contradicted him a few words that night, and he went to the funeral to burst into tears.Friends in the outer hall came in and couldn't persuade them.After finally getting into bed, I still moaned and stayed awake... As for your claim that I deceived you by cooperating with others, I will call you wronged.

——(Xu Zhimo to Lu Xiaoman)
Because of the impact of this incident, their emotions fell to the bottom.Although Xu Zhimo is in Beijing, separated from Lu Xiaoman, he is very concerned about repairing their relationship.He sends a letter to Shanghai almost every two days, but rarely receives a reply from Lu Xiaoman.Her aura has long been wiped out by the corrupt life, not to mention the resentment and injustice in her heart.

He is a poet, and because he loves her, he will use the most affectionate and sweetest address at the beginning of each letter: "My sister, I love", "I love my sister", "I love Xiaolong", "My sister Be obedient"... He unreservedly poured out his affection for this woman.But he occasionally complains, the increasingly embarrassing marriage, the increasingly embarrassing life, has surpassed the limit of forbearance.

... You are not allowed to throw the letter away.When I think of your chaos, I don't have the courage to write a good letter to you.When I went to Europe, America and India in the past three years, where did the more than 90 letters go?That was the only achievement of my travels, and now there is nothing left. You have to improve your temper, my wife, or you may lose even the master in the future.Don't you miss me when I'm gone?It's an exception now that I'm with you, you eat all day, from getting up to going to bed, to closing your eyes, you just eat.Maybe you want mangoes or foreign ginkgo fruits more affectionately and urgently than you want to master.The master is a cow, and his only use is to earn money by working—and it’s a bit pitiful: the cow not only has to attend classes but also has to make up lessons for two weeks, and he can’t sleep at night, and he doesn’t feel at ease.

——(Xu Zhimo to Lu Xiaoman)
His creations have lost their vitality and spirituality since he married Lu Xiaoman.It seems that he can no longer write those fresh and moving poems in the early days, but instead has more content of lust and lust, or it is because of the hardships of life and disappointment with reality.

This song "Life" can be regarded as a portrayal of his later life.

Gloomy, dark, winding like a poisonous snake, life is forced into a tunnel:
Once separated, you can only move forward, feeling the sticky moisture of the cold wall with your hands.

Struggling in the viscera of the demon, without a ray of skylight above his head, this soul, under the oppression of terror, what desire does it have other than to be eliminated?
——(Xu Zhimo's "Life")
Maybe he wants to ask, what else can he hope for in this dull and worrying reality?He once longed to fly away from this troubled world, soaring in the sky, free and unrestrained, "There is no one who doesn't want to fly", so he finally left in flight.

On November 1931, 11, at the urging of Lu Xiaoman, Xu Zhimo returned to Shanghai from Beijing.When he entered the house, Lu Xiaoman was sleeping on the cigarette couch, smoking, and the room was filled with smoke.Xu Zhimo persuaded a few words, but Lu Xiaoman lost his temper and threw the bong at Xu Zhimo's face casually. He missed, but the gold-rimmed glasses fell to the ground and the glass shattered.

Xu Zhimo, who was extremely depressed, left the house without looking back, and then went to Yunshang Company to meet Zhang Youyi, and then transferred to Nanjing, planning to take a free postal plane from Nanjing to Beijing - he had to attend on time on the 19th Late Lin Huiyin's lecture.

On the morning of the 18th, he took the early train to Nanjing, stayed at He Jingwu's house, and spent the last night of his life with Han Xiangmei, Yang Xingfo and other friends.

While joking, I seemed to have a sudden feeling, and I said: "Suppose-Something-Happens-Tomorrow Zhimo!" (What happened tomorrow?) You smiled mischievously:

"Are you afraid of my death?" I said, "Zhimo! Seriously, always be careful. Is the driver Chinese or a foreigner?" You replied casually: "I don't know! It doesn't matter, I always want tofly." (I must fly) I thought the weather was fine and suitable for flying in those few days.After a while I said again:

"Did Xiaoman say anything when you took the plane this time?" You even smiled and said, "Xiaoman said, if I die by plane, she will be Merrywidow." (The Merry Widow)

——(Han Xiangmei's "The Last Night of Zhimo")
On November 1931, 11, before boarding the plane, Xu Zhimo sent a letter to Lu Xiaoman: "There is heavy fog in Xuzhou, I have a headache and I don't want to leave, and I am going to return to Shanghai." Perhaps this is something that fate gave him. The last chance for redemption, but he didn't insist, he boarded the plane and ascended to the blue sky.

Everything that happened afterwards was just like what he had written before:

At the same time, the dark spot in the sky was already approaching above my head, forming a bird-shaped machine. Suddenly, along the side of the machine, a ball of light shot straight down, and there was a bang of boron, which shattered me. In the fantasy of flying, a few piles of broken clouds are added to the blue sky...

The autumn leaves of Tachuan are turning red.The rivers and trails are full of dazzling fallen leaves. Sapium red, ginkgo yellow, and torreya green are the rich colors in the palette, and they are like the grassland by the Seine River described by Pan Yuliang.

Autumn is picturesque—maybe this is why I suddenly think of Pan Yuliang when I am in Huizhou in late autumn.The whitewashed walls, black tiles and wooden fences and short fences in Huizhou always have simple lines, sparse light and shadow, and the nostalgic atmosphere of fireworks is everywhere.She was wearing a black velvet cheongsam with coiled flowers. When she leaned on the self-portrait, her eyebrows were like moon bows, and her eyes were like autumn pools.

Without Pan Zanhua, it is hard to imagine who she would be?Maybe, she is still Chen Xiuqing, or she is still Zhang Yuliang, a brothel girl who spends her whole life in the mire.

"It's not that I love Fengchen, but I seem to have been mistaken by the front. When the flowers fall and the flowers bloom naturally, I always rely on the Lord Dong." When she first saw Zanhua, she sang the song "Bu Suanzi" for him.I believe that this ancient song is her favorite.At that time, she wanted to complain to him that she was the incarnation of Yan Rui, a poetess. She was full of talent and talent, but she strayed into the fireworks and willow alley.

Although she was not beautiful, the innocence and talent in her bones, like a faint spark, still moved him.From then on, it is a volume of legend and swan song.He redeemed her for her, married her as his wife, and willingly endured longing for love, sent her to study abroad until her hair was pale and gray.

This life is enough for her to look back at the moment when fate favored her with a tender and grateful heart.When she sat quietly in the Louvre in Paris, imitating the works of the world's top masters, when her paintings won the Dolé Prize of the University of Paris and were collected by the National Museum of Modern Art, only she knew that the starting point of all this was Originating from the river city of Wuhu, she met a man named Pan Zanhua among tens of thousands of people.

Years later, across the ocean, she called him in a letter: Brother Zanhua.All the memories of the past, all the affectionate confessions, all the lingering feelings, it is difficult to repay his kindness, but only this "Zanhua brother" turned the infatuation and heartache into the bright moon and the breeze, without saying a word middle.

It's not that I love prostitution, it seems to be mistaken by the front edge.

Flowers bloom from time to time, always the monarch of Lai Dong.

(End of this chapter)