Meet you in the most beautiful years

Chapter 38 This arrogant world confused me (2)
I wrote 35 letters to Xiao Jun.Although the past was not forgotten, she was careful not to mention a word, only narrating her life in a foreign country, and a wife's trivial and warm care for her lover.

For the first item, you need to buy two soft pillows, just buy them after reading my letter!Hard pillows are bad for the cranial nerves.If you don't want to buy it, please let me know in your letter. I will buy two here and send them to you. They are not expensive and they are very soft.The second thing you'll get is a fleece blanket for a quilt, like the one I brought, but thicker.If you are too lazy to buy, please write to me and send it for you.Also, don't forget not to eat at night.

——(Xiao Hong to Xiao Jun on August 1936, 8)

Undoubtedly, although the betrayal and rage hurt her so deeply, she still loved him so deeply, without any loss.This may be her mistake.Her self-esteem is high and fragile, and she is full of sharp pains when she is violated, which is difficult to calm down; but the weakness and loneliness in her heart make her obsessed with the warm embrace. be swallowed up.Therefore, Mingming left in order to calm the pain in her heart, but she still missed the person who made her hurt.

After Xiao Hong left, at the beginning of August, Xiao Jun went to Qingdao to stay for a period of time, where he wrote novels, including their love story "For Love's Sake".It should be said that he has always had love for Xiao Hong in his heart.When the focus of life has changed from the initial hunger and cold to the trivial and ordinary days of fireworks, the incompatibility of personalities becomes more and more obvious.He is strong and domineering, and she has extreme self-esteem that is difficult to compromise. Both of them are in pain, but they would rather choose to confront each other in pain.

Letters to Xiao Jun are sent frequently, but letters from Xiao Jun are rarely received.She began to feel uneasy, and this uneasiness was just as Xiao Jun summed it up: "If two hedgehogs are together, if they are too close, they will stab each other painfully, and if they are far away, they will feel lonely." Now that they are far away, the pain has decreased. , Missing came.

How are you doing?There are few letters, is the sea still so blue?transparent?Are the waves big?How good is Laoshan?That's too much to ask.

But, the letter on the 16th, I will get back to you as soon as I receive it, why haven't you received it yet?This article was not written, but the letter was written so much.But you, get rid of the letter you just arrived in Qingdao, and then the No.26 letter, there is no more, today is the [-]th.I have been here for a month and six days.

——(Xiao Hong to Xiao Jun on August 1936, 8)

When the emotional cracks appeared, Xiao Hong became a painful contradiction.She has the desolate atmosphere of the northern wilderness, and her heart is as delicate and affectionate as the misty rain in the south of the Yangtze River.At the beginning, life and death depended on each other, which was unforgettable, but now it will no longer be repeated, and the emotions in those suffering years have faded to pale.How reluctant she is, how unwilling.

However, Xiao Jun also expressed his longing for Xiao Hong domineeringly, and hoped that she would return to China for a reunion as soon as possible, but she said half angrily: "You said I'll go back, do you miss me? I don't miss you, I I’m going to live in Japan for ten years.” Having said that, she still had the idea of ​​returning to China, but in October she said, “I’m not going back. "

She thought emotionally that distance would produce beauty, but she didn't realize that the distance was out of proportion.For Xiao Jun at this time, the distance was too long, too long to reach, and so long that the accumulated temperature was already chilled by the wind.

Although Xiao Jun's creation is also advancing by leaps and bounds in the days when Xiao Hong is not around, the emotional loss is still very torturous.He drank a lot and got very drunk.In the eyes of his friends, this was an act of "revenge" against Xiao Hong who was far away in Japan.His depression is all in this love-hate revenge.

Qing said: Your recent drinking is retaliation for my smoking. This should not be done. You can’t compete with a blade of grass. Really, I’m as lonely as a blade of grass.

——(Xiao Hong to Xiao Jun on August 1936, 12)

Loneliness and loss of love made this man who lived alone in depression finally cheated again and fell into a "fruitless love".

When Xiao Jun recalled this experience in his later years, he said: "It was during her stay in Japan. Due to some accidental encounter, I once had a short-term emotional entanglement with a certain gentleman—the so-called 'love'—but I and The other party is fully aware that there is no possibility of a combination due to moral considerations. In order to end this "fruitless love", we both agreed to urge Xiao Hong to return from Japan immediately. This "end" does not mean that we have no relationship. painfully!"

"A gentleman" is Xu Yuehua who once lived with Xiao Hong in Japan.

A friend's wife and mutual friend.When Xu Yuehua returned from Japan, he had the opportunity to be with Xiao Jun often. Xiao Jun happened to be lonely and lost his partner. The two people fell in love for a long time and filled the gap in this relationship, which even caused Xu Yuehua to become pregnant and have an abortion.

Lovers and friends, when they join forces to become the ones who hurt her, this world is so sad and absurd.When reason prevailed over passion, they decided to end this immoral derailment and reveal all this to Xiao Hong in order to "prompt Xiao Hong to return from Japan immediately". At that time, was the female writer's heart shedding tears or blood?

Yet the pain continued to multiply.When she read the news of Lu Xun's death in the newspaper on October 34, for her, the last bit of warmth in the world dissipated.Being in a foreign country, she could only see the starry sky of a foreign country when she raised her head. Her keen heart was like a container filled with sand, which made her feel cold and painful.She vented her unresolvable sorrow and emotional despair on paper in short sentences, and wrote a series of [-] poems "Sand Grains".

Eight

I also want to live quietly, I also want to work quietly, but when I am driven crazy by loneliness, smoke, eat!

wine, drink it!

Who is never too narrow-minded!
eleven
From now on I will no longer shed tears, not because I have no sorrow in my heart, but because this arrogant world has confused me.

thirteen
My breast is full of sand, so what I wish:
Just the wilderness, the high sky, and the birds.

one seven

Why doesn't life have a bell?

How can I feel lost without you.

Twenty-two
When weeds grow in the human heart, there is no need to eradicate them, and they will never be eradicated.

Erqi
If you ask me what is the scariest thing at this moment, I will say: overflowing emotions are the scariest.

[-]
As long as it is sincere, even if there is a little sin, I accept it.

——(Xiao Hong's "Sand Grains")
Lover, friend - what a warm word, but at this moment, how strange it is.Although she was in pain, she couldn't bear the pain, but because she still loved that man, after learning from the pain, "As long as it is sincere, even if it has a little sin, I will accept it." She admitted it, and she was willing to go back, end their relationship.

In January 1937, Xiao Hong, who stayed in Japan for nearly half a year, finally returned to Shanghai.However, at this time, Shanghai has changed. It is no longer a warm harbor, but a wilderness in late autumn.Mr. Lu Xun, who gave her endless support and love, is gone; her former lover is indifferent.

In April 1937, the emotional torment of depression made Xiao Hong leave Shanghai again and went to Peiping.

In Peiping, she was more sad than she was in Japan.She still wrote a lot of letters to Xiao Jun. In the pain and conflicts, her heart was like a barren field.

Although I don't write any painful words, my heart is as dark as being soaked in poisonous juice. After soaking for a long time, my heart may be drowned. I know this is wrong. I always I am criticizing myself, but this is emotion, I can't criticize, I know that the hot summer is not long, after the hot summer, it will probably be cool in autumn.

……

In the past few days, I have returned to the fear of the night, and the concept of death often arises in my dreams.

What a miserable life!A life of taking poison!
……

I cry, and I can't cry.I was not allowed to cry, I lost the freedom to cry.I don't know why I made myself like this, and even put my spirit in shackles.

The mood this time is not as good as going to Japan, what can save me!God!What can save me!Must I break myself with the hand that built me ​​up?

——(Xiao Hong, Peking to Xiao Jun, May 1934, 5)

At this time, although Xiao Jun was busy compiling the "Mr. Lu Xun Memorial Collection" in Shanghai, when Xiao Hong was suffering from "the concept of death", he happily read the book and learned to dance the "foot sound" dance, and wrote back to tell She said, "If you have learned well, I will teach you in the future."He couldn't understand her, or in other words, his heart had gradually lost interest in perceiving her.

She read his reply in tears.She understood that in his heart, she was no longer important.Cruel intuition, cruel in being so lucid.

You wrote to say that looking at the sky for an hour a day will turn you into a beauty. This is impossible. It’s sad to say that. I have liked to look at the sky since I was a child, and I still like to watch it all the time. Really, how can I run around?It can be seen that beauties have their own beauties. (This is just a joke)
……

I don’t have a plan for my novel, but at this time I don’t blame myself too much, “For love, I forgot the character of the people and women! Selfish!” I used to think so, but now I can’t, because I see men For a woman who is not worthy of love, not only forget the people, but also forget life.What's more, I haven't forgotten my life yet, even if I forget my life, it's worth it!On the road of life, there is finally a period beside my footsteps, and I also step in his footsteps. (Finally, two souls and two strings have coordinated with each other) (This sentence seems a bit too lofty, so it is erased.)
——(Xiao Hong, Peking to Xiao Jun, May 1937, 5)

Xiao Jun didn't understand Xiao Hong's love for him, and even blamed her for being too lingering, so that "for the sake of love, she forgot the people, the character of a woman! Selfish!" In front of him, Xiao Hong's love is so humble and bitter .She can only mock and sarcasm at herself, laughing at herself for overcoming his love, and ridiculing him for cheating again and again.

However, even so, when Xiao Jun sent a letter and lied that she was "unhealthy", she left Peiping without hesitation and returned to his side.

Just over a month later, the "July 8 Incident" broke out, and on August 13, the Battle of Songhu started.Under the situation of the Anti-Japanese War, which is related to the survival of the nation, the relationship between them is just a thread-bound book full of holes, and no one has the energy to wipe and repair it.

this world is so sad

At the end of September 1937, Xiao Hong and Xiao Jun came to Wuhan from occupied Shanghai with a group of cultural friends.

Under the contact of the local poet Jiang Xijin, Er Xiao moved into No. 21 Xiaojinlong Lane, Shuiluqian Street, Wuchang, which was the rented house of Jiang Xijin.For some time thereafter, No. 21 Xiaojinlong Lane became a place for anti-Japanese literary and art writers from all over the country, and Northeast writer Duanmu Hongliang was one of them.

Duanmu Hongliang, originally named Cao Hanwen, was born in September 1912 in Changtu County, Liaoning Province. He was admitted to the History Department of Tsinghua University in 9, and joined the Leftist Federation in Beiping in the same year; in 1932, he completed the novel "Korqin Banner Grassland", which had an important influence on the writers in Northeast China. At the end of 1935, after Duanmu Hongliang came to Shanghai, under the recommendation of Lu Xun, Zheng Zhenduo, Mao Dun and others, he began to frequently publish literary works in magazines such as "Literature", "Writer", and "National Weekly". In the summer of 1935, Duanmu was invited to participate in the preparatory meeting of the Anti-Japanese War literature and art publications. At this meeting, he met Xiao Hong and became friends with Er Xiao.

In October of this year, at the urging of Hu Feng and Xiao Jun, Duanmu arrived in Wuhan from Shanghai, and lived in the same room with Jiang Xijin in Xiaojinlong Lane.For more than two months, these three young Northeast writers got along well, especially the thoughtfulness they gave to Xiao Hong and Duanmu was like gentle wind and light rain, which was a piece of warmth that Xiao Jun could not and had no intention of giving at that time.

What she misses and lacks, Duanmu makes up for.Although, what she misses is Xiao Jun and her past, what is missing is Xiao Jun's love for her, but when all this does not happen again, when her love has become a humble look up to, when she has given her deep love, now it is The person who ignored her was still by her side, she even wanted to seize this opportunity to make a choice, what she wanted to tell him was that she, Xiao Hong, could leave him.

In January 1938, Duanmu Hongliang, Xiao Hong, Xiao Jun, Ai Qing, Nie Gannu and others were invited by the newly established Linfen National Revolutionary University in Shanxi to teach in Shanxi.After arriving in Linfen in early February, Xiao Hong served as the literary and art director of the university, and met Ding Ling, then head of the Northwest Field Service Corps.

However, at this time, there is almost no peaceful place in the whole country.As soon as they arrived, the flames of war chased Linfen.At that time, the teachers of the "Ministry University" who were invited were faced with two choices. One was to withdraw with the school to Southwest Shanxi, and the other was to follow Ding Ling's field service group to Xi'an.

For the choice of where to go, Xiao Hong and Xiao Jun quarreled again.Xiao Hong chose to follow Ding Ling, while Xiao Jun insisted on evacuating with the "Minda", and was ready to serve the motherland at any time, carrying guns and fighting guerrillas.Xiao Hong's reason is that the director of a writer is to fight with a pen. In terms of fighting against Japan and saving the country, a writer's contribution to being a guerrilla leader may not be greater than that of being a writer.

At this time, maybe they all understand that different choices are inevitable, just like their emotions, they have reached the moment of inevitable choice.None of them can change the other, and no one can persuade the other. The flames of war are ahead, and life can no longer tolerate talking and retreating. There is only one boundary marker in front of them, which is called parting ways.

This time, it's different than before.She once went to Fusang and Peiping, and she was angry. Although she was hurt, she knew in her heart that she would still return to him after the injury was healed.But this time, she was calm, even though the sadness in her heart was like waves under still water, which no one could see.

Just because he understood the irreversibility of this breakup, Xiao Jun entrusted Xiao Hong to Ding Ling and Nie Gannu with a bit of reluctance.

Many years later, Nie Gannu recalled the conversation between Xiao Jun and him before they parted in Linfen.

One night, Xiao Jun sent me, Xiao Hong, Ding Ling, Seke, and DM to the station. When we were about to drive, Xiao Jun and I walked alone on the platform for a long time.

"The current situation is very tense," he said, "Linfen can't be defended. If you go this time, you probably won't come back. If you are happy, go across the river with Ding Ling! This school (Ministry University) is too messy. It’s worth noting.”

"how about you?"

"It doesn't matter to me. My health is better than yours. I can endure hardships and fight battles. I want to go to Wutai. But don't tell Xiao Hong."

"Then what about Xiao Hong?"

"Oh, Xiao Hong and you are the best. You have to take care of her. She doesn't know anything about dealing with the world, and she is easy to be fooled."

"In the future..."

"She is simple, honest, stubborn, and talented. I love her. But she is not my wife, especially not mine!"

"Why, you want to..."

"Don't make a fuss! As I said, I love her; that is to say, I can accommodate. But it's still painful, and she will be painful, but if she doesn't say goodbye to me first, we will always be husband and wife, and I will never abandon her first. !"

——(Nie Gannu's "In Xi'an")
It is a pity that in the past six years, their emotional bond has been worn down by the rough years, and it can no longer stand the vibration and torment.Linfen became the place where the two Xiaos parted.She finally left Xiao Jun behind, and together with Duanmu, Ai Qing, Tian Jian and others, followed Ding Ling on the train to Xi'an.

When the train left Linfen Station, Xiao Hong leaned over the window, silently watching Xiao Jun standing alone on the platform, her bright eyes suddenly began to moisten, but she turned her face away.

——(Luo Binji's "Little Biography of Xiao Hong")
After Xiao Hong left, Xiao Jun saw a pair of boots she had discarded, so he asked someone to send a message to Xiao Hong, saying, "Aren't these boots your favorite? Why did you just leave them behind?"

What she left behind was not only her beloved boots, but also Xiao Jun, whom she once loved deeply.

In Xi'an, in order to heal the pain of separation, or to forget Xiao Jun as soon as possible, she got very close to Duanmu.In her heart, perhaps until the last breath of her life, she never really loved this man who was one year younger than her.But Duanmu appeared so timely, at her most frustrated moment.

However, at this time, she found out that she was pregnant with Xiao Jun's child.

Many years ago, when Xiao Jun appeared in her life, she was pregnant with someone else's child; now, when Xiao Jun left, she was pregnant with Xiao Jun's child.Her life was a life that was off the rails. If she was wrong for a moment, she would always be wrong.Her situation at that time, as Duanmu said, "The one thing I don't want to lose is lost now; the one I don't want more, now I have more." The one who doesn't want to lose is the former lover; It is a small life that should not be conceived in a war situation.

She was hesitant and contradictory about Duanmu's pursuit.She loves Xiao Jun's chivalry and masculinity, but can't stand his stubbornness and infidelity; she appreciates Duanmu's gentleness and restraint, but hates his timidity and snobbery.However, at this moment, Xiao Hong needs one more person by her side.

(End of this chapter)