Carnegie Language Breakthroughs and the Art of Communication

Chapter 36 Communication Skills for Happy Families (1)
Don't chatter.

Don't try to reform your partner.

Don't criticize.

Give sincere appreciation.

Pay attention to the trivial and subtle small places at any time.

Be polite.

Learn how to get along with your wife.

Learn how to get along with your husband.

Read a good book on the sex side of marriage.

refrain from chattering
Napoleon III, Emperor of France, nephew of Napoleon Bonnapad, fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the world, Countess Egeny Dibar...then they got married.His ministers pointed out that Diba was only the daughter of an insignificant Spanish count.But Napoleon replied: "What does it matter?"

Yes, her grace, her youth, her allure, her beauty made Napoleon happy.Napoleon announced to the whole country: "I have chosen a woman I love to be my wife. I don't want to marry a woman I don't know."

Napoleon and his new wife, they have health, power, prestige, beauty, love - all the conditions for a happy marriage.The holy fire lit by marriage has never been so bright and hot as they are.

But not long after, this fiery and brilliant light gradually cooled down!It ended up being a pile of dust.Napoleon can make Mademoiselle Dibba a queen, but the power of his love and the authority of the king cannot stop her from chattering unreasonably to him.

Diba was tormented by jealousy and suspicion, which made her abuse his orders and even forbid Napoleon any secrets.She broke into the office where Napoleon was dealing with state affairs and interrupted an important meeting between Napoleon and his ministers.She would not allow him to be alone, always afraid that Napoleon would fall in love with other women.

She would often complain to her sister about her husband, complain, cry, babble!She would break into his study, rage and curse. Napoleon had many magnificent palaces, and as the head of state, he could not find a small room where he could be quiet for a while.

Miss Ichenne Dibba's babbling, what did she get?Here is the answer, I am now excerpting from the book "Napoleon and Ichenne Diba, A Tragic Comedy of an Empire" by Reinhardt as follows:
Later, Napoleon often sneaked out through a small door of the palace at night; covered his eyes with a soft hat, and was accompanied by a trusted attendant to accompany him to a tryst with a beautiful woman who was expecting him.They will either roam in Paris, or watch the nightlife that the king usually does not easily see.In the case of Napoleon, that is the legacy of Mademoiselle Ijenne Dibba.In fact, she is on the throne of the queen, and her beauty is overwhelming, but with her empress status, she has the beauty of overwhelming the country, but she cannot make love exist in a noisy atmosphere.Yi Chenni once cried and said: "The thing I feared the most finally happened to me."

Why did those terrible things happen to her?It was her own fault, she found it by herself.The poor woman, it was all her jealousy and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.Of all the flames of love devoured by the devil in hell, quarrels are the most terrible, like being bitten by a poisonous snake, without any hope of survival.

Tolstoy is a famous Russian writer, and his wife also had this kind of situation, but it was too late to find out.When she was dying, she confessed to her daughters and said: "Your father's death is my fault." Her daughters did not answer, but wept bitterly beside her.They knew that their mothers were telling the truth. Their mothers kept complaining and criticizing for a long time. It was in such a living environment that their fathers died.

It stands to reason that Count Tolstoy and his wife should be very happy living in a superior environment, but this is not the case.Tolstoy is one of the most famous novelists in history. His two masterpieces "War and Peace" and "Anna Karenina" shine immortal brilliance in the field of literature.

Tolstoy was loved by many people, and his admirers even followed him all day long, and quickly wrote down every word he said.He said something like, "I think I should go to bed," and even such a bland remark was recorded.The Soviet Russian government once printed all the words and sentences he wrote into books, and there are 100 volumes in total.In addition to a good reputation, Tolstoy and his wife had status, property, and children.All over the world, it is difficult to find a happy marriage like theirs: their union seems to be too perfect and too passionate, so they knelt on the ground and prayed to God, hoping that God would give them eternal happiness.

However, something happened later that gradually changed Tolstoy.He became another person, and he felt ashamed of his past works.From then on, he dedicated the rest of his life to writing about ending war, promoting peace, and alleviating poverty.

He once repented for himself. When he was young, he committed all kinds of unimaginable sins and mistakes...even murder...he must truly follow the teachings of Jesus Christ.He gave all his fields to others and lived a poor life himself.He went to work in the fields, chopped wood, made hay, made his own shoes, cleaned the house himself, served his meals out of wooden bowls, and tried to love his enemies as much as possible.

The course of Tolstoy's life should be a scene of tragedy, and the cause of the tragedy was his marriage.His wife loves extravagance and vanity, but he despises and despises them.She longs for prominence, fame, and social admiration.Tolstoy, however, dismissed these.She wants money and possessions, but he thinks wealth and private possessions are a sin.

After so many years, she made noise, abused, and cried, because he insisted on giving up the publishing rights of all his works, and did not charge any royalties or royalties.However, she hoped to get the wealth that came from that side.

When he disapproved of her, she would cry like mad, and roll on the floor... She had a bottle of opium in her hand, and she was going to kill herself by swallowing it, and at the same time threatened her husband that she was going to jump into a well.

There was one event in the course of their lives that I think is the most tragic scene in history.As I have said, their marriage started out very well, but after 48 years he could not bear to see his wife again.

One night, the old and sad wife knelt at her husband's knees, longing for love, and begged him to recite the most beautiful love poems he wrote for her 50 years ago.Those beautiful, sweet days are now a passing memory, and they both burst into tears... How different is the reality of life and the passing memory!
Finally, when he was 82 years old, Tolstoy could no longer bear the pain of his family's torment, and in October 1910, one snowy night, he escaped from his wife... Cold, dark and missing.

Eleven days later, Tolstoy fell ill with pneumonia and collapsed in a station.His dying request was that his wife not be allowed to visit him.

This is the price Madame Tolstoy pays for complaining, rowdyness and hysteria.

Maybe many people think that she is noisy in some places, which is not too much!Yes, we can admit that, but that's not what we're talking about.And most importantly, was the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

"I think I'm really insane!" Mrs. Tolstoy realized it was too late to say this.

For such a great figure as Lincoln, the greatest tragedy in his life was also his marriage.Please note that it was not his assassination, but his marriage.When Boss shot him, he didn't feel hurt because he lived in pain almost every day.

Hatton, his legal colleague, described Lincoln's 23 years as "in the misery of a marital misfortune." Marital misfortune?Because for almost a quarter of a century, Lincoln's wife chattered in front of him, exhausting Lincoln's life.

She complains and criticizes her husband all the time, and she thinks nothing about her husband Lincoln is right.She complained to her husband that there was no elasticity in his steps, and his movements were not refined at all. She even pretended to be like him to laugh at him. She kept nagging him all day long to change his walking posture.She didn't like to see his big ears at right angles to his head, she even pointed out that her husband's nose was not straight, and pointed out how ugly his lips were, his hands and feet were too big, and his head was so small.She also said her husband looked like a consumptive ghost.

In many ways, Lincoln and his wife are the opposite, in terms of upbringing, environment, temperament, and interests.In terms of intelligence and appearance, they live in mutual hostility and anger almost every day.

Bifrez is an authority on Lincoln's biography.He wrote: Mrs. Lincoln's shrill voice can be heard across the street.She roared continuously, and all who lived nearby could hear her.Her anger is often vented in ways other than words, and it is not easy to describe her angry expression.

Another instance of this: the Lincolns, shortly after their marriage, lived with Mrs. Ollie--a widow in Springfield who, perhaps to supplement the family income, had to be lodged in.

One morning, when Lincoln and his wife were having breakfast, Lincoln somehow aroused his wife's rage. In her rage, Mrs. Lincoln took a cup of hot coffee and splashed it on her husband's face.She did this in front of many residents.

Lincoln sat there holding back his breath without saying a word.At this time, Mrs. Ollie came and wiped the coffee off Lincoln's face and clothes with a towel.

Mrs. Lincoln's jealousy is almost unbelievable, she is so fierce, so fierce... Just read a few passages of pathetic shameful things she did in public.Even 75 years later, reading these things is still surprising.She ended up going nuts--if we're going to be honest about her, it's that she's always been a little neurotic.

Did all the shouting, scolding, and chatter change Lincoln?On the other hand, yes.That did change Lincoln's attitude toward her, made him regret his unhappy marriage, and made him avoid seeing her as much as possible.

There are 11 lawyers in Springfield, and they can't all squeeze in one place and make a living.So they used to ride to other places with Judge Davis who was on the court at that time--so they could get some work in the courts of the towns in the Eighth Judicial District.

The other lawyers, everyone wanted to go back to Springfield for the weekend, to go back and spend the weekend with their families.But if Lincoln didn't go back to Springfield, he was afraid of going home. For three months in spring and three months in autumn, he would rather stay in another country than go near Springfield.

He does this every year.Staying in a small hotel in the town is not a comfortable thing!But Lincoln preferred to live there alone, and did not want to go home and listen to her wife's chatter.

Such was the result of Empress Icheny, Mrs. Tolstoy and Mrs. Lincoln, who quarreled with their husbands.What they get is the ending of a tragic scene in the course of life.Everything they cherished, and their love, was destroyed in their own hands just like that.

So, if you want to keep your family happy and happy, the first rule is:

Don't chatter.

Don't change your lover with words

The great British politician Disraeli said: "I may have made many mistakes and follies in my life, but I definitely do not intend to marry for love."

Yes, he did not.He was not married before the age of 35.Later, he proposed to a rich widow, a widow who was 15 years older than him, a widow with gray hair after 50 cold and heat.

Is that love?No, it is not.She knew he didn't love her, but married her for money.So the old widow only asked for one thing, she asked him to wait for 1 year.She wanted to give herself a chance to observe his character. At the end of 1 year, she married him.

These words sound dull and unremarkable, almost like a business deal, don't they?However, what makes it difficult for people to understand is that Disraeli's marriage was praised as one of the happiest marriages.

The rich widow that Disraeli chose was neither young nor beautiful, but a woman who had passed through half a century, and of course it was far from it.

Her conversations often make great mistakes in literature and historical deeds, and often become the object of people's ridicule.For example, there is such an interesting thing... "She can never figure out whether Greece came first or Rome came first." Her clothes are even more bizarre and completely out of line.As for the furnishings of the house, I don't know anything about it.However, she is a genius!
She was a great genius at what matters most to marriage - the art of dealing with a man.

She never lets what she thinks contradict or contradict her husband's opinion.Every afternoon, when Disraeli returned home exhausted from talking with those sensitive ladies, she immediately gave him a quiet space to rest.He had a place of quiet repose in the atmosphere of respect and respect in this increasingly cheerful family.

Disraeli was the happiest in his life when he was with this older wife.She was his good wife, his confidant, his advisor.Every night, as he hurried home from the House of Representatives, he told her what he had seen and heard on the news during the day.And most importantly, she never believed that he would fail in whatever he tried hard to do.

Marianne, a widow who remarried at the age of 50, after 30 years, believes that the reason why her property is valuable is because it can make his life more comfortable.Conversely, she was a heroine in his heart.Disraeli was made an earl after her death.But when he was a commoner, he asked Queen Victoria to make Marianne a peer.So in 1868, Marianne was made Viscountess "Biekenfürth".

No matter how stupid and clumsy she was in front of everyone, he never criticized her, and he never said a word of reproach in front of her... If someone laughed at her, he immediately defended her strongly.

Marianne is not perfect, but in her last 30 years, she never tires of talking about her husband!She praised him, admired him!The results of it?This is what Disraeli himself said: "We have been married for 30 years, and I have never tired of her."

However, some people would think this way - Marianne must be stupid because she doesn't know history.

As far as Disraeli was concerned, he considered Marianne the most important thing in his life, and he made no secret of that.The results of it?Marianne used to tell her friends, "Thank God for His love, my life is a long series of joys."

There is a joke between the two of them.Disraeli once said: "You know, I married you only for your money." Marianne smiled and replied: "Yes, but if you propose to me again, it must be for love Me, are you right?"

Disraeli admitted that was right.

No, Marianne wasn't perfect, but Disraeli was smart enough to keep her what she was.

James once said: "The first thing to learn when dealing with people is not to interfere with people's own original way of special happiness..."

Wood wrote in his book on family: "The success of marriage is not just about finding a suitable person, but how to be a suitable person."

So, if you want your family to have a good and happy life, the second rule is:
Don't change your lover with words.

don't blame
Disraeli's arch rival in public life was Grace Bunch.The two of them would have conflicts whenever they encountered major national affairs that could be debated.However, they have one thing in common, and that is that they are very happy in their private lives.

Grace Beam and his wife spent 59 years of happy life together.We'd like to imagine Grace beckoning the great Prime Minister of Great Britain, holding his wife's hand and singing on the rugs around the hearth.

Grace Beam was a formidable enemy in public, but at home he never criticized anyone.Whenever he went downstairs to eat in the morning and saw that there were still people in the family who were still asleep, he would use a gentle method to replace the blame he should have had.

He raised his voice and sang a song that filled the room with his singing... to tell the still awake family that the busiest man in Britain was alone waiting for them to have breakfast together.Grace had his diplomatic skills, but he was considerate and tried to avoid criticism in the family.

Russian Empress Catherine did the same.She ruled a vast empire in the world, holding the power to kill tens of millions of people.Politically, she was a brutal tyrant, rejoicing in war after war.As long as she uttered a word, the enemy was sentenced to death.But if her cook burnt the meat, she would eat it without saying a word, smiling.Her tolerance should be followed by ordinary men.

Dorothy Dix is ​​an American authority on the causes of unhappy marriages.She made the point that more than 50% of marriages fail.Why do many sweet dreams all run aground after marriage?She knew there was a reason, and it was because of useless, heartbreaking criticism.

If you were going to criticize your kids, you thought I would dissuade you from doing that...no, not that.I'm just going to tell you this, before you criticize them, read that "What My Father Forgets" article that came out in the comments section of a family magazine.We have obtained the consent of the original author and specially reproduced it here.

(End of this chapter)