Carnegie Language Breakthroughs and the Art of Communication

Chapter 6 The most popular conversation skills (5)
Philosophers have pondered the laws of human relationship for thousands of years.And in all the thinking, only one law is cited.This law is not new, it is as old as history: Sorost taught this law to all Zoroastrians more than 3 years ago; Confucius preached it in China 000 centuries ago; Lao Tzu, the founder of Taoism, taught it to him In 24 BC, Sakyamuni also passed down this law to the world; Jesus synthesized this law into one thought, which is an important law applicable all over the world:

Treat others how you want others to treat you.

You want approval from everyone you come in contact with, you want recognition of your worth, you want a sense of self-respect in your little world, you don't want unworthy, insincere flattery, you crave sincerity You want your friends to be, as Schwab said, "be more sincere than praise".All people need these.

So, let's abide by this golden rule: I want others to give me, I will give to others first.How, when and where?The answer is: anytime, anywhere.

Once I went to the Radio City Information Office and asked for Su Wen's office number.The inquisitor in neat uniform seemed to feel noble, and he answered clearly: "Henry Suvin (pause), 18th floor (pause), Room 1816."

I went to the elevator, thought for a while, then walked back, and said to the interviewer: "Your way of answering questions is very beautiful, very clear and appropriate. You are like an artist, which is really not easy."

With a light of pleasure on his face, he told me why he paused in his answers, why he said a few words of each sentence that way.After hearing what I said, he happily pulled up his tie a little higher.When I took the elevator up to the 18th floor, I felt like I added a little more to the total that made people happy.

You don't have to wait until you're ambassador to France, or president of a big club, to compliment someone, you can apply it almost every day.

Example: We asked for French fries and the waitress brought you boiled potatoes.At that time, we might as well say: "I'm sorry to trouble you, I like French fried potatoes." She will reply: "It's not troublesome at all" and will be happy to change it for you, because you respect her.

Usually polite words, such as "I'm sorry to trouble you, please, would you mind... Thank you!" These short words can reduce disputes between people, and at the same time naturally show noble personality.

Let's take another example:

The famous American novelist Cohen was the son of a blacksmith. He received no more than 8 years of education in his life, but when he died, he was the richest literati in the world.

What happened was this: Cohen liked poetry, so he read all of Rosetti's poems.He even wrote a speech praising Rosetti's academic achievements, and sent a copy to Rosetti.Rosetti said happily: "A young man who has such a superb insight into my talents must be very smart."

Rossetti invited the blacksmith's son to come to London as his private secretary.The turning point of Cohn's life was at this time.In this new position, he met many contemporary great writers, and under their guidance and encouragement, he started his writing career smoothly and eventually became world famous.

His hometown is Fort Griba, which is now a holy place for tourism.He has an estate of $250 million, but if he hadn't written that speech praising famous poets, he might have died in obscurity and poverty.

This is sincerity, a power of appreciation from the heart.

Rosetti thought himself important, that's not surprising, almost everyone thinks he is the most important one, and so does the country.

Do you feel that you are superior to the Japanese?But in fact, the Japanese think that they themselves are far superior to you.For example, an old-fashioned Japanese, when he sees a Caucasian dance with a Japanese woman, he will be very angry.

Do you think you are superior to Indians?You have a right to think so, but they feel exactly the opposite of what you feel.Do you think you are superior to the Eskimos?Of course you can think so, but do you want to know what the Eskimos think of you?In their society, if there is a person who is lazy and does not do his job properly, the Eskimos refer to that scoundrel as a "white man", which is the most mean word they despise.

Each nation feels superior to the others, and thus patriotism and war arose.

Here's one of the most obvious truths: almost everyone you meet thinks they're better than you in some way.But there is a way to reach into his heart - to make him feel that you admit that he is noble and important in his own little world, and admit it sincerely.

Don't forget what Emerson said: "All the people I meet have advantages over me, and in those respects I can learn from them."

Some people feel complacent as soon as they feel that they have achieved a certain amount, which arouses resentment and disgust from others.

Shakespeare once said: "A man, a proud man, by a moment of power, acts so presumptuously before God that angels weep."

I'm going to tell you a story about 3 students in my workshop.They used this principle with amazing results.The first one is a lawyer from Connecticut. He does not want to disclose his name, so we will use Mr. R instead.

It wasn’t long before Mr. R came to my workshop. One day, he drove a car with his wife to Long Island to visit relatives. His wife left him to chat with his old aunt, and went to see other relatives. Mr. R wants to apply what he has learned in the field so that he can write a report in the future, so he wants to start with this old aunt.He looked around the house to see what deserved his admiration.

He asked his old aunt: "This house was built in 1890, isn't it?"

"Yes," replied the old aunt, "it was made in that year."

He added: "It reminds me of the house I was born in - very beautiful and well-architected. People don't care about that anymore."

"Yes," the old aunt nodded, "Nowadays, young people don't pay much attention to living in nice houses. All they need is a small apartment, a refrigerator, and a car."

The old aunt said softly, with remembrance: "This is an ideal house. This house was built with love. My husband and I dreamed about it for many years before we built it. We didn't hire an architect. , is entirely of our own design.”

The old aunt led Mr. R to visit each room. Mr. R sincerely praised all the treasures she treasured and collected throughout her life, such as a French-style bed and chair, a set of ancient English tea sets, famous Italian paintings and a silk curtain that once hung in a castle in the feudal era of France. .

Mr. R went on to say: "After the old aunt showed me around the room, she took me to the garage, where there was a very new Paquette car parked."

She said softly: "My husband bought this car shortly before his death. I haven't ridden in it since he passed away. You love to admire beautiful things, and I will give you this car!"

Mr. R was surprised when he heard this, thanked you politely, and said: "Auntie, I appreciate your kindness, but I can't accept it. I already have a new car, and you have many closer relatives. They're going to love the car."

"Relatives!" The old aunt raised her voice and said, "Yes, I have many close relatives. They hope that I will leave this world quickly so that they can get this car, but they will never get it."

Mr. R said: "Auntie, if you don't want to give it to them, you can sell this car."

"Sell!" cried the old aunt, "do you think I will sell this car? Do you think I will have the heart to watch strangers drive this car down the street? My husband bought it for me. , I would never dream of selling it, I am willing to give it to you, because you know how to appreciate a beautiful thing!"

Mr. R politely thanked her, unwilling to accept her gift, but he couldn't hurt the old aunt's feelings.

The old lady lived alone in this spacious house, and in front of these exquisite and precious furnishings in the house, she cherished some memories of the past.She hopes that there is someone who feels the same way as her.She had a golden age, when she was beautiful and attractive, and was sought after by men.She built this house that gave birth to "love", and collected many treasures from all over Europe to furnish and decorate.

Now this old aunt is dying and alone, she longs for a little warmth from the world, a little praise from the bottom of her heart.However, no one gave it to her.So, when she found out that she had found it, it was like finding a spring in the desert, which made her excited and grateful, and she was even willing to give this Paquette car as a gift.

Let me give another example!Here's what happened, according to McUlho, a garden designer in New York:

Not long after I heard a talk on "How to Make Friends and Influence People," I designed the landscaping for a famous sheriff.The magistrate gave his advice as to what flowers should be planted where.

I said, "Judge, you've got a good hobby—your dogs are lovely, and I hear you've won a number of blue-ribbon honors in greyhound racing."

My words had their effect, and the magistrate said:

"Yes, I am very interested in keeping dogs, would you like to visit my kennel?"

It took him almost an hour to show me his dog and his many awards.He took out the pedigree of the dogs and told me the lineage of each dog.Because of his superior pedigree, the dogs he raises are lively and lovely.

Then he asked me, "Do you have any little boys?"

I told him there are.

He then asked me, "Will your kids like puppies?"

I said, "Well, yes, I'm sure he'll like it."

The judge nodded and said, "That's great, I'll give him one."

He told me how to keep a dog, and after a pause he said: "I tell you this, you will soon forget it, let me write it down for you." The sheriff came into the house and wanted to send me I typed out the pedigree and feeding method of that puppy clearly, and then gave me a puppy worth hundreds of dollars, while wasting an hour and 1 minutes of his precious time.That was the result of my sincere appreciation for his penchant and accomplishments.

The third example is what Adason experienced:

After Kodak's Eastman invented the transparent film, the filming of motion pictures achieved real success. At the same time, he gained hundreds of millions of wealth and became a famous businessman in the world.Despite his great achievements, he still craves the admiration of others just like you and me.

A few years ago, Eastman built the Eastman School of Music and the Keben Theatre, in Rockhurst.This theater is dedicated to his mother.Edison, the manager of the New York Elegant Seating Company, hoped to undertake the seating project in the theater. He called the architect and asked him to meet Eastman in Rojaster.

When Adason arrived, the architect said, "I know you want to get an order contract for the seat, but I need to tell you that Eastman is very busy and serious at work. If you take more than 5 minutes of his time, you will be punished." Don't plan to do this business again. He is not only busy, but also has a very temper, so let me tell you, after you explain to him quickly, leave his office immediately."

After Edison heard this, he was ready to do that.

He was ushered into an office and saw Eastman hard at work, dealing with a pile of papers on his desk.Seeing someone coming in, Eastman raised his head and took off his glasses, and said to the architect and Edison: "Good morning, both of you, what can I teach you?"

After the architect introduced them, Idason said: "Mr. Eastman, I am very envious of your office. If I had an office like yours, I would be very happy to work in it. You know I am in Working in interior carpentry, I have never seen a beautiful office like this."

Eastman replied: "Thank you for reminding me of something I almost forgot. This office is very beautiful, isn't it? I really liked this office very much after it was furnished, but now, because I am too busy with work, sometimes even one after another Won't notice it for weeks."

Idason touched the siding of the office and said: "Is this English oak? It has a slightly different quality from Italian oak."

Eastman replied, "Yes, it's imported English oak, specially selected for me by a friend who specializes in joinery."

Then, Eastman accompanied him to visit the interior furnishings designed by himself, including wooden doors, paint colors and carvings.

They stopped in front of a window, and Eastman said kindly that he would donate some money to Rojaster University and public hospitals, and do his best for the society.Edison warmly congratulated him and said that this is an ancient and warm-hearted charity act.Eastman unlocked the glass cabinet and took out his first video camera—an invention he had bought from an Englishman.

Ederson asked him how he started his business struggles and struggles.Eastman described with emotion the poverty of his childhood—his widowed mother opened a small rental apartment, and he himself worked as a clerk in an insurance company, earning only 5 cents a day.Because he was trapped by hunger and cold, he determined to work hard so that his mother would not die of hard work.

Edison found some other topics, but he himself listened quietly!Eastman talked about a past in his laboratory: when he used to do experiments, he spent all day in the office, sometimes all night—sometimes, he even put on work clothes and couldn't take them off for three days and nights.

Edison entered Eastman's office at 10:15 in the morning, and the architect had advised him to delay for at most 5 minutes, but an hour, two hours passed, and they were still talking.

Finally, Eastman said to Edison: "Last time I went to Japan and bought some chairs. I put them on the balcony. Later, the sun took off the paint on the chairs. I bought some paint. Come back and paint it yourself, do you want to see how I paint the chair myself? By the way, you come to my house, let's have lunch together, and I'll let you see it."

After lunch, Eastman showed Edison the chairs he painted—those chairs cost no more than US$1.5 each, but Eastman, who had made hundreds of millions of dollars in business profits, felt very proud just because of that. He painted it himself.

The total order for the Keben Theater Seats is $9.Guess who got the order contract?Besides Adason, will there be anyone else?
From that time until Eastman's death they remained an extremely close friendship.

Where do you and I begin to implement this wonderful touchstone?Why not start with your own family?Because, I don't know of any other place where it's more needed or more neglectable.I believe your wife must have her strengths, at least once, otherwise you would not have married her.But how long has it been since you admired her beauty?How long has it been?

Once, fishing the Miramichi River in New Brunswick, I lived alone in a tent in the Canadian Forest.Only one newspaper published in the town can be read there every day.Perhaps because I have too much free time, I read every word in this newspaper in detail.One day, I saw her article was very well written in the "Dicks Marriage Counseling" column of the newspaper, so I cut it out and saved it.Her article states that she's tired of hearing what people say to brides, and thinks she should take the groom aside and give him these wise pieces of advice.Her advice is:

Don’t get married if you don’t know how to talk sweetly. It seems inevitable to praise a woman before marriage; but to praise her after marriage is also a must-have ministry. Marriage requires not only honesty but also diplomacy.

If you want to live a happy and fulfilling life every day, don't accuse your wife of inappropriate housekeeping, or make meaningless comparisons between her and your mother.

On the other hand, you should praise her for her good housekeeping.And there must be such an expression that I think I am very lucky to have a good wife.If she spoils the food so badly that you can hardly eat it, don't complain. You might as well hint that today's food is not as good as it used to be.If your wife has hints like yours, she will work hard until she is satisfied.

Don't start doing it all of a sudden, it will make your wife suspicious.

Maybe tonight, or tomorrow night, buy her a bouquet of flowers, or a box of candy.Don't just say, "Yes, I should." You need to actually do it—give her a gentle smile and add a few sweet words.If husbands and wives could do this, I don't believe that one out of every six couples would end up in divorce.

Do you want to know how to make a woman fall in love with you?Yes, there is a secret here, and it must work.It's not something I came up with, it's something I borrowed from Ms Dix.

On one occasion, this Ms. Dix visited a "bigamist" who had become a news figure.This man had won the hearts and bank deposits of 23 women (Ms. Dix, by the way, visited him in prison).When Ms. Dix asked him how he got a woman's love, he said there was no trick, you just had to tell a woman about herself.

This technique is equally effective when used on men.Britain's wisest Prime Minister De Raleigh said: "When a man talks about himself, he will listen quietly for hours."

So, if you want people to like you, the sixth rule is:
Make someone feel important - you have to do it with sincerity.

(End of this chapter)