Carnegie Language Breakthroughs and the Art of Communication

Chapter 5 The most popular conversation skills (4)
Undoubtedly, this gentleman appears to be fighting for the public good, protecting the public from unreasonable exploitation.But in fact, what he wants is a sense of self-respect, and he uses pickiness and complaints to obtain this sense of self-respect.Having gained this sense of self-respect from the phone company representative, he no longer had to cite unrealistic grievances.

One morning some years ago, an angry customer broke into the office of the founder of the "Dee Mao Wool Company".

Mr. Di Tomo explained to me:

This guy owes us $15... the customer won't admit it, but we know he's at fault.So our credit department insisted that he pay, and after receiving several letters from our credit department, he came to Chicago and hurried into my office.He told me that not only would he not pay that money, but our company would not even want to do his business for a penny in the future.

I was patient and listened to what he said quietly. Several times, I couldn't hold back my anger, and I almost wanted to refute and argue with him and stop what he said, but I knew it was not the best way.I try to let him vent.Finally, when his anger seemed to have subsided, I said quietly, "I appreciate you coming to Chicago to tell me this. In fact, you have done something very meaningful for me: if The credit department of our company has offended you, and I believe they will offend others, and the situation is unimaginable. Please believe me, I urgently need you to tell me about the situation you just mentioned. "

It never occurred to him that I would say those words, and he might be a little disappointed.The purpose of his coming to Chicago was to negotiate with me, but I thanked him and did not argue with him.I calmly told him we would cancel the $15 owed on the account and forget about it.I told him this: he is a careful person, and all he needs to deal with is one account, but our company employees have to deal with thousands of accounts, so he may not be easy to make mistakes.

I told him that I understood his situation well and that if I had the same problem as him, I would feel the way he did.Since he no longer buys from our company, I sincerely recommended several other woolen companies to him.

I invited him to dinner that day, and he reluctantly agreed.When we got back to the office after lunch, he ordered more than he had in the past, and went home in peace of mind.The customer seemed to go back and check his bill carefully because of my reception and handling, and finally found the bill, which he had misplaced himself.So he sent the $15 owed, along with a letter of apology.

Later, his wife gave birth to a boy, and he named his son "Demoto" after our company's signboard name.He remained a loyal customer of our company and a great friend until his death 22 years later.

Many years ago, there was a little Dutch boy who cleaned the windows of a bakery after school and earned 5 cents a week.His family was very poor, and he often carried a basket to the ditch to pick up coals that fell from the coal truck.The boy's name was Edward Barker, and he had never received more than six years of education in his life.He went on to become one of the most successful magazine editors in American journalism.How he did it is a long story, but how he started can be briefly described.

He left school at the age of thirteen and worked as a child laborer in a "Western Union" institution for a weekly wage of
6. $25, although living in an environment of extreme poverty, is always pursuing educational opportunities.He did not give up his belief in studying, and he began to educate himself.He walked around instead of taking a street car, and saved his lunch money to buy a biography of famous Americans—and then he did something no one had ever heard of.

After studying the biographies of famous Americans in detail, Edward Barker wrote to each of the famous people in the biographies, asking them to tell him a little more about their childhood.It can be seen from Buck's performance that he has an essence of being good at listening-he wants those famous people to talk about themselves.

He wrote to General James, who was running for president at the time, and asked James if he had indeed been a child laborer pulling boats on the canal.After James received the letter, he sent him a detailed reply.Buck wrote again to General Gray, asking him to write about a campaign in that famous biography.In his reply, General Gray drew a detailed map and invited the 14-year-old boy to dinner, and they talked all night.

Buck wrote to Emerson, hoping that Emerson would say something about himself...

This child laborer at the "Western Union" agency corresponded with such prominent figures in the country as Burrows, Oliver, Longfellow, Mrs. Lincoln, General Sherman, and Davis.He not only corresponded with those celebrities, but also used his vacation time to visit some of them and became a welcome guest in their homes.Buck's experience of this kind gave him an invaluable self-confidence.These male and female celebrities inspired his ideal and will, and changed his future life.All of this, let me say it again: is due to the practice of the principle we are discussing.

Reporter Ma Kesun has interviewed many influential people. He once told us: "The reason why some people fail to make a good impression on others is because they don't pay attention to what others have to say. These people care about what they are going to say next, but They never open their ears..." Markson said again: "Some famous people once told me that what they like is not those who are good at talking, but those who listen quietly. It seems that people with the ability to listen quietly are rarer than anyone with a good personality.” Not only the big men like people who are good at listening quietly, but ordinary people also like this, they like to be listened to.

As the article said: "Many people go to a doctor, and what they want is a listener."

During the darkest days of the Civil War, Lincoln wrote to an old friend in Springfield, Illinois, asking him to come to Washington, saying that he had some matters to discuss with him.The old neighbor came to the White House, and Lincoln talked to him for hours about emancipation.Lincoln deliberated the pros and cons of the move, and read letters and newspaper articles, some of which condemned him for not freeing the slaves, others for fear that he would free them.After talking like this for a few hours, Lincoln shook hands with his old neighbor and sent him back to Illinois...  

Lincoln did not seek the opinion of his old friend. He said all the words himself, and he seemed to be in a better mood after saying these words.The old friend later said: "After Lincoln talked to me about these things, he seemed to be more comfortable and refreshed."

Yes, Lincoln does not need the advice of this old friend. What he needs now is friendship, sympathy, and someone who listens to him and vents his anguish.We also have such a need when we are depressed and difficult!
If you want to know how to make people run away from you, laugh at you behind your back, or even belittle you.There is a good way: you never listen carefully to what people say, and talk about yourself constantly.If when someone else is talking about an important matter, you find that you have your own opinion, before the other party has finished speaking, immediately put it forward.When you think about it, he will never be smarter than you, why do you spend so much time listening to words that are useless?Yes, intervene immediately, and use one sentence to stop other people's high-spirited speech.

Have you ever met someone like that?Unfortunately, I have encountered.Oddly enough, some of these people are social celebrities.

People of that type are known to be "hating," drugged by their own selfishness and sense of self-importance, and are "hating" to the general population.

People who only talk about themselves, always only think about themselves, are "people who only think about themselves".Dr. Badler, President of Columbia University, once said: "This kind of person is hopeless and uneducated!" Dr. Badler also said: "No matter what kind of education he has received, he still follows the It's like not being educated."

So, if you want to be a laughing and popular person, you need to listen to other people's conversations.Ask the other person questions that they enjoy answering, and encourage him to talk about himself and his accomplishments.

Remember: the person you are talking to, to himself, his needs and his problems are hundreds of times more important than your problems.His toothache was more important to him than a natural disaster that killed millions.He paid more attention to a small scar on his head than to a major earthquake.

So, if you want others to like you, the fourth principle is:

Be a good listener and encourage others to talk more about themselves.

how to get people interested in you

Anyone who visited Roosevelt at Oyster Bay was amazed at his profound knowledge.Bradford once said: "Whether it is a shepherd boy or a knight, a politician or a diplomat, Roosevelt knows what to say to him." What is going on here?The answer is simple. Before meeting a visiting guest, Roosevelt has prepared the topics that the guest likes and the things that the guest is particularly interested in.

Roosevelt, like any other man of leadership, knew this magic trick: the best way to get to the bottom of a person's heart is to tell that person what he knows best.

The former professor of the Yale School of Letters, Phillips, knew this truth in his early years. He said this:

When I was 8 years old, one Saturday, I went to my aunt's house for vacation.A middle-aged man also went to my aunt's house that night, and after greeting my aunt, he noticed me.At that time, I had a great interest in sailing, and when the guest talked about this topic, he seemed to be very interested, and we talked very speculatively.After he left, I said to my aunt that he was a very nice man, and he was also very interested in sailing.My aunt told me that the client was a lawyer, and he was not supposed to be interested in sailing.I asked, "But why does he keep talking about sailboats?"

My aunt said to me: "He is a well-bred gentleman. He made himself popular everywhere, so he found a topic that interests you and talked about sailing with you."

Professor Phelps added: "I will never forget what my aunt said."

As I was writing this chapter, I had before me a letter from Mr. Kilfe, an enthusiastic Boy Scout.Keelfe wrote in the letter:

One day I needed help from someone because there was going to be a Boy Scout Jamboree in Europe and I was going to ask a big American company to fund the travel of one of my Boy Scouts.

Before I met the big boss, I heard he had written a million-dollar check, voided it, and later framed it as a memento.

So the first thing I did when I walked into his office was to ask to let me see the check.I told him I'd never heard of a million-dollar check being written, and I was going to tell my Boy Scouts that I did see a million-dollar check.He happily showed it to me. I expressed my admiration and praise, and at the same time asked him to tell me how the check was issued.

Did you notice?Mr. Keelfe did not immediately talk about the Boy Scouts and his purpose at first, but only about the things that interested him most.So what?Keelf wrote:

The big boss then asked me, "Oh, what can you do for me?" So I told him why I came.

To my surprise, he not only immediately agreed to my request, but also asked for more than I had originally asked for.I only wanted him to sponsor one Boy Scout to go to Europe, but he was willing to sponsor 5 Boy Scouts to go to Europe, and I was invited too.He signed a voucher paid by a foreign exchange bank in US dollars and asked us to live in Europe for 7 weeks.He wrote several more letters of introduction for me: he told the managers of the branch offices in various European cities to take good care of us.

Afterwards, the big boss went to Europe by himself, received us in Paris, and guided us around the city... Finally, he introduced jobs to several boy scouts from poor families.The big boss is still doing his best to support and help this boy scout group.

Of course, this is what I know, and if I hadn't found out his interests beforehand and cheered him up, I probably wouldn't have gotten close to him so smoothly.

Is this also a valuable approach in the marketplace?I will now give another example:
Mr. Dufanuo, the manager of a bread company in New York, hopes to sell his company's bread to a big hotel. For four years he had been thinking about it, going to the hotel manager almost every week.Du Fano knew which social place the manager went to, and he followed him to that social place in the hope of having a chance to meet and meet.He even rented a room in that hotel just to get business, but he failed.Mr Duvano said:
Later, after I studied the relationship between people, I realized that I should change my strategy and try to find out what he is most interested in, and know in advance which aspect will attract his attention.

I found out that he was a member of the American Hotel Trades Union, and was later elected president of this group because of his zeal to promote the business of this group.At the same time, he also serves as the president of the International Federation of Hotel Industry. No matter where the meeting place is, he takes a plane, flies over the mountains, crosses the desert and the sea, and goes there for the meeting.So when I met him the next day, I asked him about the details of the meeting, and I got an excellent response—he talked to me about the meeting for half an hour.He spoke so cheerfully, and it was obvious to me that the group was his interest and a part of his life, and before I broke up with him, he invited me to join their group.

I didn't mention the bread at that time. A few days later, the manager in his hotel called me and asked me to send the price and samples of the bread.

I went into the hotel and the steward called me and said, "I don't know what you've done to the old man. But really, you've tickled him."

I replied, "You should think about it for me - I spent 4 years on him just to do business with him. If you don't take the trouble to find out what he is interested in, what he likes, then you have to." I don't know how long it will take!"

So, if you want to make people like you, the fifth rule is:

Talk about other people's interests.

how to make someone like you quickly
I was at the post office on 33rd and 8th Street in New York, waiting in line for a registered letter to be delivered, when I noticed that the postman inside seemed distressed about his job.The monotonous work of weighing letters, handing out stamps, giving change, and distributing receipts is repeated year after year.

So I said to myself, "I'm going to try and get that guy to like me, and I've got to say something interesting about him, not me." So I asked myself, "What's wrong with him?" Appreciable?" This is a hard question to find the answer to, especially if the other party is a stranger.But very easily, I made a discovery, and I found one thing worth admiring about the postman.

When he read my letter, I said enthusiastically: "I wish I had such good hair as you!"

The postman raised his head, changed his expression from surprise to a smile, and said politely: "It's not as good as before!" I told him that maybe it didn't have the luster of the past, but now it seems that it is still the same. very beautiful.He was very happy, we had a pleasant conversation, and finally he said to me: "Many people have praised my hair."

I'll bet that when the postman leaves for lunch at noon, he walks like he's riding a cloud.When he got home at night, he would tell his wife about it, and he would look in the mirror and say, "Well, my hair is really nice."

I've told this story in public, and I was later asked, "What do you want from that postman?"

What do I want?What do I want from that postman?
If we are so humble and selfish, if we don’t get anything from others, we are not willing to give others a little happiness; if our tolerance is smaller than a sour apple, then what we will encounter will definitely be failure.

Well, yes, I do want something from that man!I wanted something of great value, and I had it—I made him feel that I had done him something for which he did not need anything in return.That event, even after a long time, still shines brightly in his memory.

There is one absolutely vital law of human conduct, and if we obey this law we shall almost never be troubled.

In fact, if we obey this law, it will bring us countless friends and eternal happiness.But if this law is violated, we will encounter countless difficulties.The law is "always make the other person feel important."

Professor Dewey once said: "The desire for self-respect is the most urgent demand in human nature." Dr. James said: "The deepest essence of human nature is the desire to be valued by others." The difference lies in the presence or absence of self-respect, and human culture also arises from this.

(End of this chapter)