The Complete Works of Lu Xun's Novels

Chapter 25

I felt that this seemed to be a blow to my head, but I immediately settled down and expressed my opinions and opinions: opening up new paths, rebuilding new lives, so as not to perish together.

At the end of the day, with great determination, I added these few words:

"...Besides, you can go forward without any worries. You want me to be honest; yes, people shouldn't be hypocritical. Let me be honest: because, because I don't love you anymore! But it's good for you more, because you can do things without any worries. . . ”

At the same time, I expected the arrival of a big change, but there was only silence.Her complexion suddenly turned gray and yellow, as if she had died; she came back to life in an instant, and her eyes shone with a childish sparkle.This look is cast about, like a child seeking a loving mother in hunger and thirst, but only in the air, avoiding my eyes in horror.

I couldn't read any more, but fortunately it was morning, and I braved the cold wind and headed for the popular library.

Saw "Friends of Liberty" there, and all my essays were published.This startled me, as if annoyed a little.I think there are still many ways to go in life——but this is still not enough.

I began to visit long-lost acquaintances, but only once or twice; their houses were naturally warm, but I felt cold in my bones.At night, they curl up in a cold room that is colder than ice.

The needles of ice pierced my soul and made me suffer from numb pain forever.There are still many ways to live, and I haven't forgotten the flapping of my wings, I think. ——I suddenly thought of her death, but immediately blamed myself and repented.

There is often a glimpse of light in an ordinary library, and a new way of life lies ahead.She came to her senses bravely, walked out of this cold home resolutely, and--without a look of resentment.I am as light as a cloud, floating in the sky, with the blue sky above, the mountains and the sea below, high-rise buildings, battlefields, motorcycles, foreign farms, mansions, bright downtown, dark night...

And, really, I have a feeling that this new face is coming.

We finally survived the extremely unbearable winter, this winter in Beijing; like a dragonfly in the hands of a mischievous child, we were tied up with strings, played with and abused to our heart's content, although fortunately we did not lose our lives, the result was also Still lying on the ground, only fighting for a time sooner or later.

I wrote three letters to the editor-in-chief of "Friends of Liberty" before I got a reply, and there were only two book coupons in the envelope: a two-pointed one and a triangular one.But I spent nine cents of the postage stamp just to urge me, and the hunger for a day was in vain, giving me the emptiness of having nothing to gain.

However, what I thought was coming has finally arrived.

This was at the turn of winter and spring, the wind was no longer so cold, and I wandered outside for a longer time; when I got home, it was probably already dark.On such a dark night, I came back listlessly as usual, and when I saw the door of the apartment, I was even more depressed as usual, so I slowed down my steps even more.But I finally walked into my own room, there was no light; when I touched a match to light it up, it was strangely lonely and empty!

In my astonishment, Mrs. Guan came to the window and told me to go out.

"Zijun's father came here today and took her back." She said simply.

This didn't seem to be what I expected, so I stood speechless as if I had been hit in the back of the head.

"Has she gone?" After a while, all I could ask was this sentence.

"She went."

"She—what can she say?"

"I didn't say anything. I just asked me to tell you when I saw you back that she had gone."

I don't believe it; but the room is strangely lonely and empty.I looked everywhere, looking for Zijun; I saw only a few pieces of dilapidated and dingy furniture, all of which looked extremely sparse, proving that they had no ability to hide anyone or anything.I turned to look for the letter or the handwriting she left, but there was nothing there; it was just salt and dried chili, flour, and half a cabbage, all gathered in one place, with dozens of copper coins beside it.This is all the living materials of the two of us, and now she solemnly leaves it to me alone, without saying a word, teaching me to use it to maintain a longer life.

I seemed to be squeezed out by my surroundings, and ran to the middle of the yard, and there was darkness around me; the paper windows in the main room reflected bright lights, and they were teasing and joking with the children.My heart also calmed down, and I felt that under the heavy oppression, the path to escape gradually appeared: deep mountains and marshes, foreign markets, feasts under electric lights; ditches, the darkest and darkest night, the blow of a sharp knife, Silent footsteps....

Feeling a little relieved, I stretched out, thought about the travel expenses, and let out a sigh.

Lying down, the imagined future that passed before my closed eyes was gone before midnight; suddenly I seemed to see a pile of food in the dark, and after that, Zijun's sallow face appeared, and his childish eyes opened , looking at me pleadingly.I must be god, there is nothing left.

But my heart feels heavy.Why can't I bear it for a few days and tell her the truth in such a hurry?Now she knows that all she has in the future is the sun-like majesty of her father, the creditor of her children, and the frosty coldness of others.And then there is the void.Carrying the burden of emptiness, walking the so-called road of life in the eyes of majesty and indifference, what a terrible thing it is!What's more, the end of this road is just a tomb without even a tombstone.

I should not tell the truth to Zijun, we have loved each other, I should dedicate my lies to her forever.If authenticity could be precious, it shouldn't be a heavy void in Zijun.Of course a lie is also a void, but at the end, it is no more than this heavy.

I thought that by telling the truth to Zijun, she would be able to move forward resolutely without any worries, just like when we were going to live together.But I'm afraid I'm mistaken.Her bravery and fearlessness at that time was because of love.

I did not have the courage to bear the burden of falsehood, but cast the burden of truth on her.After she loves me, she will bear this burden and walk the so-called road of life in the strict and cold eyes.

I thought of her death....I see that I am a coward who should be cast out of the mighty, both true and false.However, from beginning to end, she still hopes that I can maintain a longer life...

I want to leave Jizhao Hutong, where it is strangely empty and lonely.I think that as long as I leave here, Zijun will still be by my side; at least, it will be as if he is still in the city. One day, he will unexpectedly visit me, just like when he was living in the guild hall.

However, there was no response to all requests and letters. I had no choice but to visit a family friend whom I hadn't seen for a long time.He was a classmate of my uncle's when he was young, and he was famous for his seriousness. He lived in Beijing for a long time and had many friends.

Probably because of the shabby clothes, the concierge stared at me as soon as I entered the door.It was very difficult to meet each other, and we still know each other, but they are very cold.He knows everything about our past.

"Of course, you can't stay here either," he said coldly after I asked him to find work elsewhere, "but where? Zijun, you know, she is dead."

I was speechless in shock.

"Really?" I finally asked unconsciously.

"Haha. Of course it's true. My family's Wang Sheng's family is in the same village as hers."

"But——how did you die?"

"Who knows. He's just dead anyway."

I have forgotten how to say goodbye to him and go back to my apartment.I know he doesn't lie; Zijun will never come again, like last year.Although she wanted to walk the so-called road of life with the burden of emptiness in the eyes of majesty and indifference, she could no longer do so.Her fate has already decided that she will perish in the truth I gave—the loveless world!
Naturally, I cannot be here; but, "Where shall I go?"

All around is a vast emptiness, and a dead silence.I seem to see the darkness before the eyes of those who die without love, and I can hear all the voices of distress and despair.

I also look forward to the arrival of new things, unnamed, unexpected.But day by day is nothing but the silence of death.

I don't go out much more than before, I just sit and lie in the vast emptiness, letting this dead silence eat away at my soul.The silence of death sometimes trembles by itself, retreating by itself, so at the turn of the continuation, nameless, unexpected, and new expectations flash out.

It was a gloomy morning, and the sun was still struggling to get out of the clouds; even the air was tired.I heard the sound of footsteps and snorting in my ears, which made me open my eyes.At a glance, the room is still empty; but when I saw the ground by chance, there was a small animal hovering, emaciated, half-dead, covered in dust...

As soon as I looked closely, my heart stopped, and then jumped up.

That's A Sui.it came back.

My departure from Jizhao Hutong was not only because of the cold eyes of the homeowners and his female workers, but mostly because of this Ah Sui.But, "Where are we going?" Naturally, there are still many new ways of life. I vaguely know about them, and sometimes I see them vaguely, and I feel that they are right in front of me. However, I still don't know how to take the first step to get there.

After many times of thinking and comparison, only the guild hall is still compatible.It is still such a dilapidated house, such a plank bed, such half-dead locust trees and wisterias, but at that time, everything that gave me hope, joy, love, and life was gone, and there was only a void, which I exchanged for reality. the existence of the void.

There are still many new ways of life, and I must step into them, because I am still alive.But I don't yet know how to take that first step.Sometimes, I seem to see that the way of life is like a long gray snake, winding towards me by itself. I wait, wait, and see that it is approaching, but suddenly it disappears in the darkness.

The night in early spring is still so long.During the long sitting, I remembered the funeral ceremony I saw on the street in the morning. There were paper figures and paper horses in front, and singing-like crying in the back.I now know how smart they are, how easy and simple it is.

However, Zijun's funeral was in front of my eyes, carrying the burden of emptiness alone, walking on the long gray road, and immediately disappeared in the majesty and cold eyes of the surroundings.

I wish there were so-called ghosts and hell, then, even in the roar of evil winds, I will look for Zijun, express my remorse and sorrow face to face, and beg for her forgiveness; otherwise, the poisonous flames of hell will surround me , burning violently my regrets and sorrows.

I will hug Zijun in the evil wind and poisonous flames, beg her for mercy, or make her happy...

However, this is even more empty than the new way of life; all there is now is the night of early spring, which is still so long.I am alive, and I have to step out towards a new way of life. That first step is just to write down my regrets and sorrows, for Zijun and myself.

I still only have the sound of singing and crying, to send Zijun to the funeral, buried in oblivion.

I want to forget; for myself, and I will never think of using forgetting to send Zijun to his funeral.

I want to take the first step towards a new life, I want to hide the truth deeply in the wounds of my heart, move forward silently, and use forgetting and lying as my guide...

Completed on October 21, [-].

This article was originally published in Issue No. 20 of the Beijing "Yusi" Weekly on May [-], [-].

brother
The Public Welfare Bureau has always had nothing to do, and a few clerks talk about housework in the office as usual.Qin Yitang was holding the hookah and was coughing so hard that everyone had to shut up.After a while, he raised his purple face, still out of breath, and said:

"As of yesterday, they fought again, from the main room to the door. I couldn't drink it no matter what." His lips with a few gray beards were still trembling. "The third brother said that the money that was [-] percent off on public bonds cannot be opened to the public account, and he should pay it himself..."

"Look, it's still for money," Zhang Peijun stood up generously from the broken recliner, his eyes twinkling lovingly in the deep eye sockets. "I really don't understand why my brothers are so fussy, isn't everything the same?..."

"Brothers like you, where are they?" Yitang said.

"We just don't care about it, we are all the same. We just don't care about money and wealth. In this way, nothing will happen. If someone argues about dividing up, I always tell him our situation, Advise them not to worry about it. Yi Weng only needs to enlighten the son..."

"There..." Yitang shook his head and said.

"It's probably impossible." Wang Yuesheng said, and looked into Pei Jun's eyes respectfully, "Brothers like you are really rare; I have never met them. No one of you has any selfish thoughts , this is not easy..."

"They have been fighting from the main room to the gate..." Yitang said.

"Your brother is still busy?..." Yuesheng asked.

"I still have homework at 93 o'clock a week, plus [-] essays. I can't handle it. I have asked for leave for the past few days. I feel hot, probably because I have caught a little cold..."

"I think we should be more careful," Yuesheng said solemnly. "Today's newspaper said that the current epidemic..."

"When is it?" Pei Jun was surprised and asked hastily.

"Then I can't tell. Remember what the heat is."

Pei Jun took a step and ran to the newspaper reading room.

"It's really rare," Yuesheng admired Qin Yitang after watching him run away. "The two of them are like one. If all the brothers were like that, there'd be riots in the house. I can't learn... . . . "

"It is said that the money folded on the public bonds cannot be opened to the public account..." Yitang inserted the paper coal into the paper coal pipe, and said bitterly.

The temporary silence in the office was soon broken by Peijun's footsteps and the voice of a servant.He seemed to be in some catastrophe, he stuttered and his voice trembled.He asked the servant to call Dr. Puti Sipu and asked him to go to Zhang Peijun in the Tongxing apartment to see a doctor immediately.

Yuesheng knew that he was in a hurry, because he always knew that although he believed in Western medicine, his income was not much, and he usually saved money, but now he hired the first famous and expensive doctor here.So he went out to greet him, only to see him standing outside with a blue face, listening to the servant's call.

"what happened?"

"It was said in the newspaper...that scarlet fever was prevalent. When I came to the game in the afternoon, Jingfu was blushing...has he gone out? Please...please call them and ask him to come immediately , Tongxing apartment, Tongxing apartment..."

After hearing the valet's call, he ran into the office and took his hat.Wang Yuesheng was also anxious on his behalf, and followed in.

"When the director comes, please ask me to leave, saying that there is a sick person at home and I need to see a doctor..." He nodded his head carelessly and said.

"You just go. The director may not come." Yuesheng said.

But he didn't seem to hear it, and had already rushed out.

When he was on the road, he stopped haggling over the price of the car as usual. When he saw a slightly bigger driver who seemed to be able to walk, he asked the price and stepped into the car, saying, "Okay. Just let me go!"

The apartment was as usual, peaceful and silent; a young man was still sitting outside the door playing the huqin.He went into his brother's bedroom and felt his heart beating more violently, for he seemed to be more flushed and panting.He reached out to touch his head, and it was hot again.

"I don't know what the disease is? Is it okay?" Jingfu asked, his eyes glowed with concern, which showed that he himself felt something unusual.

"It's okay, it's just a cold." He replied supportively.

He usually likes to dispel superstitions, but now he feels that Jingfu's appearance and speech are a bit ominous, as if the patient himself has some premonition.This thought made him even more uneasy, so he walked out immediately, called the assistant softly, and made him call the hospital to ask: Have you ever found Dr. Pu?
"That's it, that's it. I haven't found it yet." The man said on the phone.

Not only was Pei Jun unable to sit still, he could not even stand still; but in his anxiety, he suddenly encountered a way out: maybe it wasn't scarlet fever.However, Dr. Pu couldn't find it...Although Bai Wenshan, who lives with me, is a Chinese medicine doctor, or the name of the disease can be determined, but he has said to him several times to attack Chinese medicine: Besides, if you ask for Dr. Pu's phone number, he may Already heard...

However, he finally went to ask Bai Wenshan.

But Bai Wenshan didn't mind at all, immediately put on the tortoiseshell-rimmed dark crystal glasses, and came to Jingfu's room together.He checked the pulse, looked at his face once, opened his clothes and looked at his chest, and left calmly.Pei Jun followed and went all the way to his room.

He asked Pei Jun to sit down, but he didn't speak.

"Ask Brother Shan, who is Brother She...?" He couldn't help asking.

"Erythema Sha. Look, he's already 'spotted'."

"So, it's not scarlet fever?" Pei Jun was a little happy.

"They call it scarlet fever in Western medicine, but we call it erythema sha in Chinese medicine."

This immediately gave him chills in his extremities.

"Can it be cured?" He asked sadly.

"Yes. But it also depends on the luck of your family."

He was so confused that he didn't even know how to ask Bai Wenshan for a prescription, and walked out of his room; but when he passed by the telephone, he remembered Dr. Pu again.He still went to ask the hospital, and replied that he had found it, but he was very busy, and he was afraid that he would be late, and he might have to wait until tomorrow morning.However, he also told him that he must come today.

He went into the room and lit the lamp to see that Jingfu's face was even more reddened, indeed there were spots of redder, and his eyelids were also swollen.He is sitting, but it seems that what he is sitting on is pins and needles; in the growing silence of the night, as he looks forward, the whistle of every car whistle makes him hear it more clearly, and sometimes it is unreasonable to suspect that it is Doctor Pu. car, jumped up to meet.But before he reached the door, the car had already passed by; he turned around in a daze, and when he passed the courtyard, he saw that the bright moon had already risen in the west, and an ancient locust tree next door was projected on the ground, and the gloom became thicker. His gloomy heart.

Suddenly a crow called.This is what he often hears; there are three or four crows' nests on the ancient locust tree.But now he was so frightened that he almost stood still, and when he walked into Jingfu's room lightly, he saw him lying with his eyes closed, his face seemed swollen; but he didn't sleep, probably because he heard footsteps , suddenly opened his eyes, and those two eyes shone strangely and sadly in the light.

"Do you believe it?" Jingfu asked.

"No, no. It's me." He was surprised, a little confused, and stammered, "It's me. I think it's better to ask a western doctor to come and heal faster. He hasn't come yet..."

Jingfu closed his eyes without answering.He was sitting by the desk in front of the window, everything was silent, only the rapid breathing of the patient and the rattling of the alarm clock could be heard.Suddenly, a car whistle blew in the distance, which made his heart tense immediately. He heard it approaching, approaching, probably just at the door, and was about to stop, but he immediately heard that it was passing by.Many times like this, he knew the different sounds of the whistle: like whistlers, drummers, farts, dogs barking, ducks barking, bulls roaring, hens crowing, Like whimpering...He suddenly resented himself: Why didn't he pay attention to know what the sound of Dr. Pu's siren sounded?
(End of this chapter)