The Complete Works of Lu Xun's Novels

Chapter 24

But she remembers everything: my words are so familiar that I can recite them eloquently; my actions are like a video that I can't see hanging in front of my eyes, and the narration is very subtle and natural Not even that flick of a shallow movie that makes me stop thinking about it.In the dead of night, it was time for relative revision. I was often questioned, tested, and ordered to repeat what I said at the time, but she often had to make up and correct me, just like a junior student.

This review gradually became rarer later.But as long as I see her staring at the sky, thinking in a trance, her expression becomes softer and her smile deepens, then I know she is studying the old lessons by herself again, but I am afraid that she will see my ridiculous face. A flash of the movie.But I also know that she must see it, and she must see it.

She didn't find it ridiculous, however.Even if I thought it was ridiculous, even despicable, she never thought it was ridiculous.I know this very clearly, because she loves me so passionately and so purely.

The late spring of last year was the happiest and busiest time.My heart calmed down, but another part got busy with my body.We were just walking together on the road at this time, and we have been to the park a few times, most of which were looking for a place to live.I felt that when I encountered probing, ridiculing, obscene and contemptuous gazes on the road, my whole body shrank a little if I was not careful, so I had to immediately raise my pride and resistance to support it.But she is fearless, she doesn't care about these at all, she just moves forward calmly and slowly, as calm as entering a land where no one is there.

Finding a place to live is really not an easy task, most of it is rejected on excuses, and the other half is because we think it is not suitable.At first we chose harshly,—and not harshly, because it probably didn't look like a place for us to live in; later, it was only compatible with them.After looking at more than 20 places, I found a place that I could deal with temporarily, which were the two south rooms in a small house in Jizhao Hutong.He only has his wife and a girl who is less than one year old, and he hires a female worker from the country. As long as the child does not cry, he is extremely peaceful and quiet.

Our furniture is very simple, but most of the money I raised has been used up; Zijun also sold her only gold ring and earrings.I stopped her, but I still decided to sell it, so I didn't insist on it anymore; I knew that if I didn't add some shares to her, she would be uncomfortable.

She had quarreled with her uncle long ago, and he was so angry that he no longer recognized her as his niece; I also broke up with a few friends who thought they were advising me, but were actually timid on my behalf, or were actually jealous.It was quiet, however.After work is over every day, although it is almost dusk, and the coachman must go so slowly, there is still time for the two of them to meet each other.We first looked at each other in silence, then we had a relaxed and intimate conversation, and then we were silent again.Everyone bowed their heads in thought, but didn't think about anything.I also gradually read through her body and soul soberly. In just three weeks, I seem to have understood her better, and I have removed many barriers that I thought I understood but now seem to be barriers, that is, the so-called real barriers.

Zijun also became active day by day.But she doesn't like flowers. The two pots of small grass flowers I bought at the temple fair died in the corner without watering for four days, and I didn't have the time to take care of everything.However, she loves animals, maybe she got it from the official's wife. Within a month, our family suddenly increased a lot. Four little chickens walked in the small yard with the owner's dozen or so.But they knew the appearance of the chicken, and each knew which one belonged to them.There was also a grey-and-white lapdog, which I bought from a temple fair. I remember it had the original name, but Zijun gave it another name, A Sui.I just called it A Sui, but I don't like the name.

It is true that love must always renew, grow, create.When I mentioned this to Zijun, she nodded in understanding.

Oh, what a peaceful and happy night it was!

Tranquility and happiness must be solidified, and such tranquility and happiness will last forever.When we were in the guild hall, there were occasional conflicts of discussion and misunderstandings, but since we arrived in Jizhao Hutong, even this has disappeared; we only sat in the nostalgic story under the lamp, reminiscing about the reconciliation after the conflict at that time. The fun of rebirth.

Zijun actually gained weight, and his face turned red; it's a pity that he was busy.After taking care of the housework, I don't even have time to chat, let alone study and take a walk.We used to say we'd have to hire a maid again.

This made me unhappy too. When I came back in the evening, I saw that she was hiding her unhappiness. What made me especially unhappy was that she had to put on a forced smile.Fortunately, it was found out, and it was still a secret fight with the little official's wife, and the fuse was the little chickens of the two families.But why insist on not telling me?Everyone should have an independent family.Such a place is uninhabitable.

My path has also been set, six days a week, from home to bureau, and from bureau to home.In the bureau, I would sit at the desk and write papers and letters; at home, I would meet her or help her light the white stove, cook rice, and steam steamed buns.I learned to cook at this time.

But my food is much better than in the guild hall.Although cooking is not Zijun's specialty, she devotes all her energy to it; I have to worry about her day and night, and I have to worry about it together, which can be counted as sharing joys and sorrows.Besides, she was sweating all day long, and her short hair was sticking to her forehead; her hands were just rough like this.

What's more, she also needs to feed Ah Sui, feed chickens,...all must be her work.I once warned her: I don't eat, it's fine; but don't work like this.She just glanced at me and didn't speak, but her expression seemed a little sad; I had no choice but to keep silent.Yet she worked so hard.

The blow I expected came true.The night before the Double Tenth Festival, I sat blankly while she was washing the dishes.Hearing the knock on the door, when I went to open it, it was the messenger from the bureau who handed me a mimeographed note.I had expected it a little bit, and looked under the lamp, and sure enough, it was printed:
Bong

The director ordered Shi Juansheng not to come to the bureau for work
The Secretariat will open on October [-]th
I had expected this when I was in the guild hall; the cream was the gambler of the director's son, so I must go to add some rumors and try to report it.It is too late for the effect to take place now.In fact, this is not a blow to me, because I have decided a long time ago that I can write for others, or teach reading, or even though it is laborious, I can also translate some books. Besides, the editor-in-chief of "Friends of Freedom" has seen I have been acquaintances for several times, and we still passed letters two months ago.But my heart was beating.The change of color of such a fearless Zijun made me especially sad; she also seems to be more timid lately.

"What's that. Well, we're doing something new. We're..." she said.

She didn't finish her sentence; somehow, the voice was just floaty to me; the lights also felt extraordinarily dim.People are ridiculous animals, and the smallest things can have a profound impact.We first looked at each other silently, gradually discussed it, and finally decided to try our best to save the existing money. While posting "small advertisements" to seek banknote writing and teaching reading, we wrote to the editor-in-chief of "Friends of Freedom" to explain my For the current encounter, I ask him to accept my translation and give me a little help in difficult times.

"Just do what you say! Let's open a new road!"

I immediately turned to the desk, pushed away the bottle of sesame oil and the saucer of vinegar, and Zijun sent the dim lamp.I first drew up advertisements; secondly, I selected books that could be translated, and I hadn’t read them since the migration, and each book was covered with dust; lastly, I wrote letters.

I hesitated a lot, not knowing what to say, and when I stopped writing to contemplate, I glanced at her face in the blink of an eye, and under the dim light, it looked very sad.I really didn't expect that such a small matter could bring about such a remarkable change in a resolute and fearless Zijun.She has really become very timid lately, but it didn't start tonight.As a result, my mind was even more confused, and suddenly there was an image of a peaceful life-the silence of the dilapidated house in the hall, flashing in front of my eyes, and I just wanted to stare intently, but saw the dim light again.

After a long time, the letter was completed, and it was quite a long letter; I felt very tired, as if I had become more timid recently.So we decided that advertising and sending letters will be carried out together tomorrow.Everyone straightened their waists in unison, and in silence, they seemed to feel each other's perseverance and strength, and they also saw the newly sprouted hope for the future.

The blows from outside actually lifted our new spirits.Life in the bureau is like a bird in the hands of a bird dealer, with only a little millet to survive, and it will never be fat; after a long time, only its wings are paralyzed, and even if it is released from the cage, it has long been unable to fly.Now at last out of this cage, I shall soar in new open skies, before I forget the beating of my wings.

Small advertisements will naturally not be effective for a while; but translating books is not an easy task. If you read it before and think you already understand it, when you start it, you will be full of difficulties and progress very slowly.However, I am determined to work hard. A half-new dictionary has a large black finger mark on the side in less than half a month, which proves that my work is real. The editor-in-chief of the "Friends of Liberty" once said that his publication would never bury good manuscripts.

It's a pity that I don't have a quiet room, and Zijun is not as quiet and considerate as before. The room is always scattered with dishes and filled with soot, which makes people unable to do things with peace of mind. I can't afford a study myself.However, A Sui was added, and oil chickens were added.In addition, the oil chickens have grown up again, and they are more likely to become the spark of quarrel between the two families.

In addition to the daily "continuous flow" of meals; Zijun's achievements seem to be completely built on this meal.After eating, raising money, raising money to eat, and feeding Ah Sui, the oily chicken; she seemed to have forgotten everything she knew before, and she didn't expect that my thoughts would often be interrupted because of this urging to eat.Even if she showed a little anger while sitting, she never changed, she still chewed without feeling anything.

It took five weeks to make her understand that my work cannot be restricted by the prescribed food.After she understood it, she was probably very upset, but she didn't say anything.As a matter of fact, my work has been progressing relatively quickly since then, and soon I have translated a total of [-] words. As long as I polish it once, I can send it to "Friends of Freedom" together with the two completed essays.It still bothers me just to eat.It doesn't matter if the food is cold, but there isn't enough; sometimes there isn't even enough rice, although my appetite has been much reduced than before because I sit at home and use my brain all day long.This is to feed Ah Sui first, and sometimes the mutton that even I don't eat easily these days.She said that Ah Sui was so pitifully thin that the landlady laughed at us because of it, and she couldn't bear such ridicule.

So the only ones who eat my remnants are chickens.It took me a long time to realize this, but at the same time, like Huxley's theory of "the position of human beings in the universe", I realized my position here: it is just between a bulldog and a chicken.

Later, after many times of struggle and urging, the oily chickens gradually became delicacies. We and Ah Sui both enjoyed fresh fat for more than ten days; but they were actually very thin, because they could only get a few grains of sorghum a day. .It's been much quieter since then.Only Zijun was depressed, and seemed to often feel miserable and bored, so he was reluctant to speak.I think how easy it is for people to change!
But A Sui won't be able to stay anymore.We could no longer hope for letters from somewhere, and Zijun had no food to make him arch or stand upright.Winter is approaching so quickly, and the stove will become a big problem; its food intake, in fact, has long been a very heavy burden for us.So even it couldn't stay.

If we planted straw signs and sold them in temple markets, we might get a few pennies, but neither of us can, nor do we want to do so.Finally, I covered my head with a bundle, and I took him to the western suburbs to let him go. If I wanted to catch up, I pushed him into a not very deep pit.

Once I returned to my apartment, I felt much quieter again; but Zijun's miserable expression surprised me.It was a look he had never seen before, and it was naturally for Ah Sui.But so what?I haven't said anything about being pushed in a pit.

At night, a cold element was added to her miserable look.

"Strange.——Zijun, why are you like this today?" I couldn't help asking.

"What?" She didn't even look at me.

"Your face..."

"Nothing,—nothing."

I finally figured out from her words and actions that she had probably decided that I was a cruel person.In fact, it is easy for me to live alone. Although I have never been in touch with the world because of pride, and I have alienated all old acquaintances after I moved, but as long as I can fly far away, my life is very broad.Now he is enduring the oppressive pain of this life, mostly because of her, even if he lets go of Ah Sui, it is not the same.But Zijun's knowledge seems to be only superficial, so that he can't even think of this.

I took an opportunity to hint these principles to her; she nodded as if she understood.However, judging from her later situation, she didn't understand, or didn't believe it.

The cold weather and the cold look forced me to not settle down in my family.But where?On the avenue and in the park, although there is no icy expression, the cold wind still pricks people's skin to tears.I finally found my paradise in popular libraries.

There is no need to buy a ticket; there are two iron stoves in the reading room.Even if it's just a stove burning with immortal coals, just seeing it puts it on, and one always feels warm in spirit.But there are no books to read: the old ones are stale, and the new ones are almost non-existent.

Fortunately, I didn't go there to read a book.In addition, there are often a few people, up to a dozen or so, all in thin clothes, just like me, each reading each other's books as an excuse to keep warm.This is especially fitting for me.It is easy to meet acquaintances on the road and get a contemptuous glance, but there is no such accident here, because they are always around other iron stoves, or leaning against their own white stove.

Although there are no books for me to read there, there is still room for me to think about it.It was only when I sat alone and looked back on the past that I felt that for half a year, I had neglected all other essentials of life just for the sake of love——blind love.The first is life.People must live, and love can be attached.It is not that there are ways of living for the strugglers in the world; I have not yet forgotten the flapping of my wings, although I am much more depressed than before....

The house and readers gradually disappeared, and I saw fishermen in the raging waves, soldiers in the trenches, dignitaries on motorcycles, speculators in foreign markets, heroes in deep mountains and dense forests, professors on the podium, athletes in the dark and night the thief...Zijun——not nearby.She lost all her courage, and only grieved for Ah Sui, and was obsessed with cooking; but the strange thing was that she was not so thin....

It was getting colder, and the hard coals in the stove were finally burned out, and it was time to close the museum.We have to go back to Jizhao Hutong again to enjoy the cold colors.Recently, I also occasionally encountered warm expressions, but this only increased my pain.I remember that one night, Zijun's eyes flashed a childish light that I hadn't seen for a long time, and he smiled and talked to me about the situation when he was still in the guild hall, with a look of horror from time to time.I knew that my recent indifference to her had aroused her concern, so I tried my best to talk and laugh, trying to give her some comfort.However, as soon as my smile appeared on my face and my words came out, they immediately turned into emptiness, and this emptiness immediately reverberated, returning to my ears and eyes, and giving me an embarrassing and vicious sneer.

Zijun seemed to feel it too, and since then she has lost her usual numb composure. Although she tried her best to hide it, she always showed a suspicious expression from time to time, but she was much gentler to me.

I want to tell her clearly, but I haven't dared yet. When I was determined to speak, I saw her childish eyes, so I had to temporarily change into a forced smile.But it immediately came to mock me, and made me lose my cold composure.

From then on, she began to review the past and new tests, forcing me to give many hypocritical and tender answers, and to show her the tenderness, the hypocritical draft was written in my heart.My heart is gradually filled with these drafts, and I often find it difficult to breathe.In my distress, I often think that it takes great courage to tell the truth; if you don't have this courage, and you are content with hypocrisy, then you will not be able to open up a new way of life.Not only this, but even this person!
Zijun has a look of resentment, in the morning, a very cold morning, this is something I have never seen before, but maybe it is the look of resentment from my point of view.I was coldly annoyed and laughed to myself at the time; the thoughts she had honed and her open-minded and fearless speech were, after all, still a void, and she was not aware of this void.She has long since stopped reading any books, and she no longer knows that survival is the first step in human life, and that one must walk hand in hand or go alone on this road of survival, if only one knows how to beat the hem of a person's clothes , that is, it is difficult for soldiers to fight, so they have to perish together.

I think the new hope lies only in our separation; she should give up resolutely——I also suddenly thought of her death, but immediately blamed myself and repented.Fortunately, it is morning, and there is plenty of time, so I can say my truth.It is at this time that our new path is opened.

I chatted with her, deliberately brought up our past, mentioned literature and art, and then involved foreign literati and their works: "Nora", "The Woman of the Sea"①.Shout out to Yannola for her decisiveness….It was still the words I spoke last year in the shabby room of the guild hall, but now it has become empty, passing from my mouth to my ears, and I always suspect that there is an invisible bad boy who is maliciously imitating the tongue behind my back.

She still nodded in agreement to listen, and then fell silent.I also finished my words intermittently, and even the lingering sound disappeared into the void.

"Yes." She was silent for a while, and said, "But... Juansheng, I think you have changed a lot recently. But you? You——you tell me the truth."

(End of this chapter)