The Complete Works of Lu Xun's Novels

Chapter 23

"How quickly my life has changed! In the past six months, I have almost begged. In fact, I can be counted as begging. However, I still have something to do. I am willing to beg for it, starve for it, be lonely for it, and work hard for it. But death is unwilling. You see, there is one person who is willing to live for a few days, and that is so powerful. But now there is no more, not even this one. At the same time, I myself feel unworthy to live; what about others I don’t deserve it. At the same time, I feel that I have to live for those who don’t want me to live. Fortunately, there are no one who wants me to live well, and no one is sad. To make such people feel sad, I I don't want to. But now there is none, not even this one. Very happy, very comfortable; I have practiced everything I once hated and opposed, and rejected everything I once admired and advocated. Yes. I have really failed,—yet I have won.

"Do you think I've gone crazy? Do you think I've become a hero or a great man? No, no. It's very simple; I have recently become a consultant to Mr. Du, and my monthly salary is 80 yuan. up.

"Shen Fei...

"What do you want me to be, you decide for yourself, I can do it.

"Perhaps you remember my old drawing room, the drawing room when we first met and parted in the city. I still use it now. There are new guests, new gifts, new praises, new pursuits, new Kowtow and arching, new card games and finger-guessing, new cold eyes and nausea, new insomnia and vomiting blood...  

"Your previous letter said that you are very dissatisfied with teaching. Would you like to be a consultant? You can tell me, and I will do it for you. In fact, you can also be a concierge, as there will be new guests, new gifts, and new praises...

"It's snowing heavily here. What's going on with you? It's late at night, and I spit out two mouthfuls of blood, which woke me up. I remember that you have sent me three letters since autumn. What an amazing thing this is. I must send you some news, and perhaps you will not gasp.

"After that, I probably won't write letters anymore. You already know my habit. When will I come back? If it's early, I'll see you again. But I think we probably didn't go all the way; then, please Forget me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you used to plan my life before. But forget me now; I'm 'well' now.

Even die.December fourteenth. "

Although this did not make me "take a deep breath", after a cursory look, and then a closer look, I always felt a little uncomfortable, and at the same time, it was mixed with some pleasure and joy; I also thought that his livelihood was finally over. The problem, my burden can also be let go, although it is still unthinkable on my side.Suddenly I wanted to write a letter to answer him, but I felt that I had nothing to say, so this idea disappeared immediately.

I am indeed gradually forgetting him.Nor does his face appear so often in my memory.But less than ten days after receiving the letter, the Xueli Seventh Daily in S City suddenly mailed their "Xueli Seventh Daily".I don't pay much attention to these things, but once they are sent, I will look through them casually.This reminds me of Lian Shu, because there are often poems and essays about him, such as "A Snowy Night Visiting Mr. Lian Shu", "Elegant Collection of Lian Shu's Consultant Gao Zhai", etc.; Li also narrates with relish the things he had been rumored to be a laughing stock before, which is called "anecdote", which has the meaning of "a man who is an extraordinary man must be able to do extraordinary things".

For some reason, although I remembered it, his face was always gradually blurred; however, he seemed to be getting closer to me day by day, and often felt a kind of uneasiness and slight tremor that even I couldn't understand for no reason.Fortunately, in the autumn, the "Scholarly Seven Daily" did not arrive; Sanyo's "Scholarly Weekly" published a long paper as scheduled: "Theory of Rumors as Facts".It also said that rumors about certain lords have been widely circulated among the fair gentry.This refers to several people, including me; I have to be extremely careful, and as usual, even the cigarettes from smoking rolls must be careful not to scatter.Being careful is a kind of busy pain, so everything will be wasted, and naturally there is no time to remember Lian Shi.In short: I have actually forgotten him.

But I finally couldn't make it through the summer vacation, and left Sanyang at the end of May.

五

From Shanyang to Licheng, and then to Taigu, I moved around for more than half a year, and finally couldn't find anything to do, so I made up my mind to go back to S City.It will be an afternoon in early spring, the weather will be rainy or not, and everything will be covered in gray; there are still vacant rooms in the old apartment, and we still live in it.On the road, I thought of Lian Shu, and when I arrived, I decided to visit him after dinner.Carrying two packs of Wenxi's famous boiled cakes, I walked a lot of wet roads, giving way to many dogs lying in the way, and finally arrived in front of Lian Shu's door.It seemed very bright inside.I thought, once I became a consultant, even the apartment became extra bright, and I couldn't help but smile inwardly.But when I looked up, there was a blank piece of oblique paper ① beside the door.I thought again, Daliang's grandmother is dead; at the same time, I also stepped into the door and walked straight inside.

In the courtyard illuminated by the dim light, there was a coffin, and beside it stood a soldier or a horse bien in military uniform, and someone who was talking to him, but it turned out to be Daliang's grandmother; Clothed rough man.My heart jumped immediately.She also turned to stare at me.

"Ah! You're back? Why not a few days earlier..." She suddenly yelled.

"Who... who is missing?" I actually already knew about it, but I still asked.

"Master Wei, there was none the day before yesterday."

I looked around, the living room was dark and there was only one lamp; the main room was hung with a white filial curtain, and a few children gathered outside the room, they were Daliang and Erliang.

"He stopped there," Daliang's grandmother walked forward, pointing, "after Master Wei congratulated me, I also rented the main house to him; he is now parked there."

There is nothing else on the filial curtain, in front of it is a table, a square table; there are a dozen bowls of food on the square table.As soon as I stepped through the door, two men in white long gowns suddenly appeared in front of me and stopped them. They stared at the eyes like dead fish, and the light of surprise came out from them, and they pinned my face.I hurriedly explained my relationship with Lian Shu, Daliang's grandmother also came to confirm from the side, their hands and eyes gradually relaxed, and they tacitly allowed me to approach and bow.

As soon as I bowed, someone on the ground suddenly burst into tears. When I looked carefully, I saw a ten-year-old child lying on the straw, also dressed in white, with a large strand of ramie silk tied around his shaved head. ①.

After exchanging pleasantries with them, I knew that one was Lian Shu's first cousin, who was the closest relative; the other was a distant nephew.I asked to take a look at my old friend, but they tried their best to stop me, saying that I "don't dare to do it".However, I was finally persuaded and lifted the filial curtain.

This time I met the dead Lian Shu.But strange!Although he was wearing a wrinkled short shirt and trousers with bloodstains on the placket, and his face was extremely thin, his face was still the same as before, with his mouth and eyes closed quietly, as if he was asleep, and he was almost ashamed. I put my hand in front of his nose to test him but he was still breathing.

Everything is as still as death, the dead and the living.I backed away, but his cousin came back to deal with him again, saying that his "brother" died suddenly at a time when he was in the prime of life and had a bright future. .There is a sense of apology for Lian Shu in the words; it is rare for people in mountain villages to be able to say this.But after that, there was silence, everything was as quiet as death, the dead and the living.

I felt bored, not sad, so I retreated to the yard and chatted with Daliang's grandmother.Knowing that the time for encoffining is approaching, we only need to wait for the shroud to be delivered; when nailing the coffin, the four zodiac signs of "Ziwu Maoyou" must be avoided.She was happy to talk, and her words gushed out like a spring, talking about his illness and the circumstances of his life, and also brought some criticisms about him.

"Do you know that Mr. Wei has been different since he was delivered of luck? His face has been lifted up and he is high-spirited. He is no longer as rude to people as before. You know, he was not like a dumb before. Seeing me Is it called the old lady? Then it was called 'old guy'. Alas, it's really interesting. Someone gave him Xianjushu ②, but he didn't eat it himself, so he fell in the yard——this is the place——called Said, "Old man, you can eat it." After he was lucky, people came and went, I let him live in the main house, and I moved in this wing room. As soon as he was lucky, he and People are different, so we often talk and joke like this. If you come a month earlier, you can still catch up with the excitement here, the boxing games at two ends of the three days, talking, laughing, singing, poetry writing, and playing cards play cards…….

"He used to be more afraid of the children than the children of seeing Lao Tzu, so he always kept his voice low. But now it's different, he can talk and make trouble, and our Daliangs also like to play with him. Whenever they are free, they all go to his house." He also used various methods to tease him; if he wanted to buy something, he asked the child to pretend to be a barking dog, or to knock his head. Haha, it was really lively. Two months ago Erliang asked him to buy shoes. Knocked my head three times, oh, I'm still wearing it now, it's not broken."

When a person in a white gown came out, she stopped talking.I inquired about Lian Shu's illness, but she didn't know much about it. She only said that she probably lost weight a long time ago, but no one paid any attention, because he was always happy.It was more than a month ago that I heard him vomit blood a few times, but he didn't seem to see a doctor; later he lay down; three days before he died, his throat was hoarse and he couldn't speak a word.Master Thirteen came all the way to the city from Hanshi Mountain Road, and asked him if he had savings, but he didn't say a word.The Thirteenth Master suspected that he was pretending, and some people said that some people who died of tuberculosis would be speechless, who knows...

"But Mr. Wei's temper is too weird," she said in a low voice suddenly, "he refuses to save a little, and melts money like water. Mr. Thirteen still doubts what benefits we have gained. What good is there? He is wronged The injustices were dissipated in a random manner. For example, when buying things, I bought them today, sold them tomorrow, and broke them. Otherwise, I wouldn't be so calm today...

"He's just messing around and doesn't want to do anything serious. I thought about it and persuaded him. At this age, he should start a family; as it is now, it's easy to form a family; if there is no match, buy a few first The concubine is also okay: people should always look good. But when he heard it, he laughed and said, "Old man, do you still think about such things for others?" You see, he has been careless lately. Honestly, don’t take people’s good words as good ones. If you had listened to my words, why would you be groping alone in the underworld now, at least you could hear a few cries from your loved ones..."

A shop assistant came with his clothes on his back.The three relatives took out the coat and went behind the curtain.Not long after, the filial curtain was lifted, and the inner garment was changed, and the outer garment was added next.

This is very unexpected to me.I put on a pair of khaki military trousers with wide red stripes embedded, followed by a military uniform with shiny golden epaulets, I don't know what grade it is, where it came from.When it was time to enter the coffin, Shi Lian Shu was lying in a very uncomfortable position, with a pair of yellow leather shoes by his feet, a paper-made command knife by his waist, and a gold-rimmed military cap next to his bony gray and black face.

The three relatives cried while supporting the edge of the coffin, and stopped crying to wipe away their tears; the child with the twine on his head withdrew, and Sanliang also avoided, probably belonging to one of the "Ziwu Maoyou".

The rough man raised the lid of the coffin, and I went closer to take a last look at the farewell.

He lay quietly in the inappropriate clothes, closed his eyes, and closed his mouth. There seemed to be a cold smile in the corner of his mouth, sneering at this ridiculous dead body.

As soon as the nails were knocked, crying burst out at the same time.I couldn't finish listening to the cries, so I retreated into the yard; as soon as I walked along, I didn't realize I was out of the gate.The wet road is extremely clear. Looking up into the sky, the thick clouds have dispersed, and a full moon hangs, emitting a calm brilliance.

I walked quickly, as if trying to break through something heavy, but couldn't.Something struggled in the ear, and after a long time, finally struggled out, vaguely like a howling, like a wounded wolf howling in the wilderness late at night, the pain mixed with anger and sorrow.

My heart relaxed, and I walked calmly on the wet stone road, under the moonlight.

Completed on October [-], [-].

This article was originally published in Issue No. 20 of the Beijing "Yusi" Weekly on May [-], [-].

Sad

—— Juan Sheng's Notes
If I could, I would write down my regrets and sorrows, for Zijun and myself.

The shabby house in the guild hall that was forgotten in the remote place was so silent and empty.How time flies, I love Zijun, escaped from this silence and emptiness by relying on her, it has been a full year.It was so unfortunate that when I came back, this room was the only one that was empty.It is still the same broken window, the half-dead locust tree and old wisteria outside the window, the square table in front of the window, the ruined wall, and the plank bed next to the wall.Lying on the bed alone in the middle of the night, just like before I lived with Zijun, all the time in the past year has been wiped out, nothing has happened, I have never moved out of this dilapidated house, and founded a hopeful company in Jizhao Hutong small family.

not only.A year ago, this silence and emptiness was not like this, and it was often filled with anticipation; looking forward to Zijun's arrival.In the long-awaited anxiety, the sound of the high soles of the leather shoes touching the brick road made me suddenly come alive!Then I saw a pale round face with dimples, pale and thin arms, a cloth striped shirt, and a black skirt.She brought the new leaves of the half-dead locust tree outside the window, so that I could see that there were also rooms of purple and white wisteria flowers hanging on the old iron-like trunks.

But now, only the silence and emptiness remain, but Zijun will never come again, and forever, forever! ...

When Zijun was not in my shabby house, I couldn't see anything.In the midst of boredom, I grabbed a book by chance, whether it was science or literature, everything was the same anyway; I read on, and suddenly I felt that I had turned over ten pages, but I couldn’t remember everything in the book. things to say.It's just that the ears are very sharp, as if hearing all the footsteps coming and going outside the gate, from which there is Zijun, and he is gradually approaching, but, often gradually fades away, and finally disappears in the clutter of other footsteps bingo.I hate the son of the long class who wears cloth-soled shoes that doesn't sound like Zijun's shoes, and I hate the little cream-applied thing in the neighboring yard who often wears new leather shoes that sounds too much like Zijun's shoes!
Could it be that she overturned the car?Could it be that she was hit by a tram? ...

I was about to take off my hat to see her, but her uncle scolded me to my face.

Suddenly, the sound of her shoes approached, one step at a time, and when she went out to meet her, she had already passed under the wisteria shed, with a dimpled smile on her face.She probably didn't get angry at her uncle's house; my heart calmed down, and after I looked at each other silently for a while, the dilapidated house gradually filled with my voice, talking about family autocracy, breaking old habits, and talking about equality between men and women , talk about Ibsen①, Tagore②, Shelley③…….She always smiled and nodded, her eyes filled with childish curiosity.Nailed to the wall was a brass bust of Shelley, cut out of a magazine, the finest of his portraits.When I pointed it out to her, she only glanced at it briefly, then lowered her head, as if embarrassed.In these places, Zijun probably hasn’t completely shaken off the shackles of old ideas—I later thought, it’s better to replace it with a commemorative portrait of Shelley drowning in the sea or Ibsen’s; , Now even this one does not know where to go.

"I am my own, and none of them has the right to interfere with me!"

This is what she said clearly, resolutely, and quietly after we had been dating for half a year and talked about her uncle who was here and her father who was at home.At that time, I had already expressed my opinions, my life experience, and my shortcomings, and I seldom concealed them; she also fully understood.These few words shocked my soul, and they still rang in my ears for many days afterwards, and I was indescribably ecstatic. Knowing that Chinese women are not as helpless as the world-weary family said, in the not-too-distant future, We will see the glorious dawn.

To send her out, as usual, we were more than ten steps away from each other; as usual, the face of the old catfish-whiskered thing was pressed against the dirty windowpane again, and even the tip of his nose was squeezed into a small plane; The little thing's face in the shining glass window, thickened with cream.She walked away proudly without turning her eyes away, without seeing it; I came back proudly.

"I am my own, and none of them has the right to interfere with me!" This thorough thought was in her mind, much clearer and stronger than mine.What could a half bottle of cream and a facet on the tip of her nose be to her?

I can no longer remember how I expressed my innocent and passionate love to her at that time.Not only now, but what happened at that time is blurred afterwards, and in retrospect at night, there are only some fragments left; after living together for a month or two, even these fragments have turned into untraceable dream shadows.I only remember that in the ten days before that time, I had carefully studied the attitude expressed, arranged the order of words, and the situation if I was rejected.But it seemed to be useless for the time being. In my panic, I couldn't help but used the method I had seen in the movie.When I thought about it later, it made me feel very ashamed, but in my memory, this is the only thing left forever, and it is still like a lonely lamp in a dark room, seeing me holding her hand with tears in my eyes, and kneeling down on one leg... .

Not only my own, but also Zijun's words and actions, I didn't see clearly at that time; I only knew that she had allowed me.But I still seem to remember that her face turned blue and white, and then gradually turned crimson again--a crimson that I have never seen before, and I will never see you again; there was sadness and joy in her child-like eyes, but there was a light of surprise, although I tried my best to avoid my eyes. The line of sight seemed to fly away through the window in a panic.Yet I knew she had given me permission, not what she said or didn't say.

(End of this chapter)