Just love female men: accidentally sinicized

Chapter 1 "The Lady" and the Prince Charming (1)
My father, Comrade Lin Zancheng, determined to train me to be a peerless lady from the moment I was born.But 21 years have passed, not to mention the poor effect, but contrary to the practice.On the day he read the news of the same-sex marriage bill passed in New York State, he threw the newspaper heavily on the coffee table, cursed "shit doesn't make sense", called me, and said bluntly on the phone: "Sister, old man Dad thinks it's time for you to talk." When he called me "sister", it meant that something bad was about to happen, like when I was a kid, he used to say "Sister, no more candy", " Sister, your mother is going to take your sister to the United States, and we will live together in the future."

During a recent vacation, my father and daughter had dinner together at home, and Comrade Lin Zancheng frowned when he heard my voice echoing in the dining room drinking soup, rekindling the soul of his lady-making program.Therefore, he hoped that I, who had never worn a skirt since leaving kindergarten, would wear a skirt to attend his old classmate's second wedding, in order to get in touch with all kinds of well-educated people and develop ladylike habits as soon as possible.

People who know me well, such as my best friend Miley, she knows that I am not a lady with Miley's mouth that can't spit out ivory. Lifting his legs to the table to press his legs, he brushed his long hair behind his head flirtatiously, not forgetting to shake a movement that might sprain his neck.She stretched out her index finger and shook it: In the end, she added insult to injury, "None of the boys in the class can beat you by wrestling their wrists. In my opinion, you are a woman who lives like an uncle, referred to as an 'uncle' girl."

Now that it's already on the stage, before Miley puts the knife on my neck, I'm going to insert a brief introduction, and here I solemnly introduce my best friend Miley, who is both beautiful and intelligent, and has an IQ of a devil's figure. The last wonder of the 21st century who must make way, the last human wonder woman with big breasts, beauty and brains... [-] words of praise are omitted here...

Miley and I have known each other for many years, from high school to the same university, Miley majoring in Archeology in the Department of History, and I majoring in Communication in the Department of Journalism.The dormitories of the history department are mainly distributed in the north area of ​​the school, and the dormitories of the journalism department are mainly distributed in the south area of ​​the school. There is a wide road between the two areas.In this case, Miley used all her means and eloquence to apply for a double dormitory from a quadruple dormitory, and got her and me to share the same dormitory.Not only that, she went to the IKEA store and dragged back a red sofa. There were treadmills and yoga blankets on the balcony. She often read various unofficial history books she did not know where to collect while doing yoga.

Later I asked her how she got us into a dormitory, she winked and said lightly: "It's simple, I just say we are 163..." When she said the pronunciation of "163", her tongue flicked on her teeth After closing, he looked particularly awkward, "Also, it is said that a student died in this dormitory, and he was exhausted from working too hard or something. They readily approved it for me."

She really got a banned news report and threw it at the Academic Affairs Office. It's lucky that the school didn't arrest her.There is nothing terrible about the dead, the living are the monsters in the world.

Miley is my idol. In my eyes, she is a monster. There is nothing Miley can't do.She said that I was an "uncle" with evidence.In the Department of Journalism where I major in communication, there are only eight boys, all of whom are immortals, and all of them have cultivated an elegant literary temperament.

It was given the title "Eight Immortals Crossing the Sea" by the whole academy.The best boy would knock on Li Bai or Du Fu on the first and fifteenth day of each month, appreciate the moon and recite poems, and stand by the artificial lake in the school wearing a white robe that I don’t know where to order.It is said that once he nearly had a heart attack from a classmate who passed by the lake for self-study next night. The rumor that the school is haunted should be held accountable to him.They allowed me to easily occupy No.003 in all sports. I was given the title of "Brother Diao" by them, not because of my tall nose, but because my sports cells are active, which is only a little less active than theirs.

Anyway, I promised my dad to go to the wedding.If I don't go, I won't get any pocket money from Comrade Lin Zancheng in the second half of the semester.If I go, the cost of going to Hong Kong for eating, drinking and having fun at the end of the year will be sponsored by Comrade Lin Chancheng.Isn't this coercion? What is it?
"007, I think this condition is very good. It's not too much to be intimidating, and it's not too much to be tempted. Being your father's daughter is very good." Miley switched to the other leg. She often speaks like Zhen Yan possessed recently, God knows how many times she will read "The Legend of Zhen Yan".Speaking of her, she still protested: "Isn't this called "Zhen Yan Biography"? This is called "Biography of Harming Others and Selfishness". To confuse the boss's mind so that he can promote me."

"I see Xuan, he took you before you got promoted." I couldn't help correcting her.

"007, you have some common sense, I'm not making aphrodisiacs." Miley yelled.

My name is Lin Qi.Only Miley calls me 007, and she only allows herself to call me 007. If a second person calls me 007, Miley will definitely gnash her teeth and lean on her. In her words, she can't beat him, and she can force her to death.

After Miley pressed her legs, she split her fork again and asked me, "Ask your dad if I can go for you. In this kind of second wedding, aunts and aunts gather together, which is just right to sell my cosmetics."

Miley's family is the sales agent of a certain domestic cosmetics brand. She likes to deal with all kinds of entertainment since she was a child. Mai's mother raised Miley to be articulate and eloquent since she was a child.

I have seen with my own eyes that a school girl with good facial features and flawless skin was fooled by Miley into thinking that her face was about to rot, and then became a loyal customer of Miley's cosmetics.This is just scratching the surface of Miley's eloquence.When Liu Bei visited the thatched cottage three times to invite Zhuge Liang, Miley believed that Liu Bei visited the thatched cottage because of his poor eloquence.Because of this point of view, Miley argued with the substitute teaching assistant for an entire class in history class, making the young handsome teaching assistant blush.

Afterwards, Miley proudly said, "She just thought the teaching assistant was cute and teased him."

Miley is the best of the best. Anything that shocks the world in my eyes, in her view, is a trivial matter.For example, last year, the dormitory building caught fire, and the entire building was fleeing. There was apocalyptic chaos, and Miley was wrapped in a quilt and motionless on the bed. "Fire, fire!" I yelled at Miley, who was lying on the bed, as I stomped around.Miley lay motionless on the bed, and said faintly: "What's the noise? I'm wearing a mask. What should I do if I go out and scare people to death? Isn't it just cremation? Didn't some people say that if you come to this world alive, I don’t intend to go back alive!”

Since then, Miley has been awarded the title of "Mother of Fire".

To give another example, in high school, Miley and I discussed a girl with long hair on her legs. People who didn't like Miley got into the girl's ears and evolved into multiple versions with very long hair.There are several versions of similar advertisements: With XXX scud, I am no longer afraid of the cold in winter; "Let me go" brand natural fur pants, no hair shedding, no fading' necessary for home travel.

One day, the hairy-legged girl called Miley out in our politics class with a look of rage.Miley came back half an hour later.She walked into the classroom as if nothing had happened, and sat next to me as if nothing had happened. There were five red finger marks on her left face, and the left half of her face was swollen.

"Did she hit you?" I was so surprised, I rolled up my sleeves as if to go out to settle accounts with the girl with long legs, but Miley pinned me down on the seat.

"It was just a slap in the face. I thought she didn't hit hard enough, so I asked her to focus on it. She scolded me for being nervous. I really don't know who would get nervous first." Miley raised her eyebrows slightly, and took out her cosmetic bag calmly to face Small round mirror for makeup.

"It's not heavy enough? Is it heavy enough to slap your whole face?" I was dumbfounded. At that time, I really admired Miley. She is the person I admire the most when I grow up. Miley chuckled lightly, as if she couldn't As if in pain, he said, "Didn't God say that if someone hits your left cheek, you should also turn your right cheek to let him hit you."

So I agreed that one of the preconditions for Comrade Lin Zanyi to go to the wedding was to bring Miley with him. He readily agreed and said with great interest that the wedding dress for the wedding banquet would be wrapped on him.

When Miley and I looked at the two gowns my dad got from his friend's theater, our heads were filled with black lines, and we saw all kinds of looks that could be too exaggerated.Isn't this "Downton Abbey", showing up in European court costumes, does my dad want us to sing an opera live?There is so much gravity and pressure!Miley has a good voice, but I, who is tone deaf, can only sing "The Most Dazzling Ethnic Style" which does not require too much intonation.

Miley's closet is full of big flower skirts. She has a serious ethnic style and ancient costume complex. She wears different patterns of flower skirts all summer like a huge flower butterfly floating on the campus.She didn't even know where to get a set of Tang Dynasty court robes. When she wore it to the elective course of historical costume research, the students thought she was a model invited by the teacher.When she first chose to study archeology, her original purpose was to dig out a piece of clothing such as the sparrow fur or the dimple fur in "A Dream of Red Mansions" in the ground one day.I don't want to tear it apart. If there is such a thing, take it out of the ground and look at it, and it will turn into ashes.

The two of us, one who is always in jeans and T-shirts, and the other who is obsessed with ethnic style and is seriously out of touch with fashion, is often joked by Xu Zheng as a visitor from outside the sky, and we don't have the appearance of a current girl.What is the girl like now?Let's listen to Xu Zheng's description: "Carry rouge and gouache with you, dresses are always on your body for four seasons, and the fashion is like a treasure in detail, and you will be reserved and coquettish."

Miley said disdainfully: "Add a few words, you can wink at the scene of sensuality, and you can drink a thousand glasses of beer and wine. I know where these girls can go to the world at most one day." Xu Zheng blushed when he said that.

I comforted Xu Zheng: "You're a history guy, so I don't blame you."

Far away.Time is running out, but Miley knows a senior from the art academy who hosts evening shows all the year round. She borrowed two evening dresses from her seniors. But it's much more low-key and lighter than my dad's court costume.

The wedding is a luncheon, and it is held in the luxurious banquet hall on the top floor of the Oriental Hotel. This is the most famous hotel in the city and the most prestigious banquet venue. It is usually the best choice for leaders to receive important people, and it is also the best choice for rich people to marry. Second choice.I have already thought about the new slogan of the hotel: the upper grade is 'sufficient', and the East is undefeated, who else but me!

When Miley and I arrived at the hotel in a hurry by taxi, the banquet had already begun. There were countless luxury and famous cars parked outside the hotel. Miley pulled me back silently and said: "If I had known I was going to come here, I would have bought a set of Chanel anyway. Wearing this suit as a rag for Rolls-Royce is not enough."

It turned out that she had always thought that what she was going to attend was a farmhouse banquet, the kind with big sedan chairs beating gongs and drums, and the guests would have to say "Long admiration, long admiration" when handing over glasses.She said she didn't dare to dress too arrogantly to overshadow the bride's limelight... But she is Miley, she recovered her complexion after a few minutes, straightened my shoulders and asked again: "Absolutely." I made a gesture with Bin.

Miley felt complacent, and no longer cared about the cheap dress she was wearing, and said, "No way, beauty can be beautiful in anything."

Even when we showed up at the wedding, in red and green, like goofy clowns hosting a Spring Festival Gala, Miley acted like she was walking the Cannes red carpet with her head held high, like an aggressive hen turkey.I followed her and didn't dare to look up, so we looked more like a hen turkey leading an ostrich, participating in the avian avenue of stars.Fortunately, the attention of the audience is all on the beautiful young bride, and no one pays attention to our clothes.

The groom at the wedding is an old classmate of my dad and a well-known entrepreneur in China. The second marriage of an old man in his 50s is more hypocritical than the first marriage of a young man.Looking around, the eyes are full of pink ribbons, pink roses, and pink wedding cakes layered on top of each other.Miley and I bet the bride is a "post-90s" and she won.The banquet hall was packed with people, music and human voice intertwined, filled with a kind of cheerful atmosphere belonging to the wedding.

There are people of all ages, old, middle-aged and young, with clear boundaries.Young handsome men and beautiful women gather together to drink money and talk about fashion trends and celebrities gossip; well-dressed young and middle-aged people drink red wine with uncles and aunts and talk about economics, politics and parenting, while old men sit at the table and talk about history while drinking Moutai. Jiangshan was brave in those days.

In a short while, Miley had already got into a group of middle-aged aunts and started selling cosmetics.

My dad saw me in the crowd, his eyes fell on me who was wearing a long flowing dress, and he touched the mustache on my chin with satisfaction.To be honest, my dad’s beard is a bit like the middle-aged and elderly version of Fang Zhongxin. I once found a photo of him in military uniform in his hometown in Guangdong. I’m not boasting. My dad was really handsome when he was young. Face.Then he pulled me in front of the old man, the groom official, toasted a glass of wine, and introduced me in front of everyone. It was so detailed that he also revealed my problem of hiccupping after eating potatoes. He was more enthusiastic than a matchmaking company. , the purpose is nothing more than to recommend me to the single aunts and uncles here.A group of people projected their gazes at me, looking at my appearance and clothes in their stomachs, some nodded and others shook their heads.Oh my worst sitcom has begun.

"The baby is very handsome."

"Thinner."

"How do you wear such a bad skirt? Your taste needs to be improved. Let me introduce you to a designer."

"Leave a number, and my grandson will join you in video chat later."

A hand protruded from nowhere and squeezed my buttocks.I turned my head and turned my head to seek Miley's rescue in the crowd. At the critical moment, she disappeared, and I had to save myself.Before being touched all over my body by a group of aunts and aunts, taking advantage of the time when someone came to toast the groom, I broke away from my father who was so chattering that he could set up a stage to sing an opera, avoided the crowd, and quickly floated out of the hall.

I went up the stairs on the left and opened the security door on the roof of the top floor.Hey, this is the tallest building in the city. It has an excellent view. You can see the small mountains at a glance. You can have a panoramic view of the whole city. The villas are hidden by the distant mountains. The blue sky, white clouds, and the air are so good. I breathe greedily. Stand until the body and mind are completely at peace.

Although I am 250 degrees shortsighted in both eyes, it does not hinder my mood of seeing the scenery at all.I lay on the safety fence of the top floor roof, admiring the beautiful scenery with all my heart, and humming a song in a tone-deaf tune.

Just then, a tragic event happened.With a snap, without warning, the right shoulder strap of the poor-quality dress I was wearing snapped.Ah, poor dresses!I was still flustered and didn't have time to tidy up, when I heard yin and yang laughter coming from behind me.I didn't dare to turn around, but turned my head slightly to the right, and immediately petrified in place.

Not far from my right, there is a boy lying there, a part of his body is lying behind a stone step, his gray dress is almost integrated with the concrete floor on the top floor, and he will not be noticed from the direction of the door .With his slender legs, he rested one hand on the stone steps, turned his head sideways, and clenched his fist with the other hand, laughing at me humbly.His line of sight fell completely on the right side of my body...

There was another slap, and before I could get angry, the left shoulder strap of the dress skirt also broke, and the dress slipped to my waist in an instant.

I just don't know what to say other than swear words.

Before the wedding, in order to make the dress look good, Miley stuffed a lot of things into my underwear, even my SpongeBob socks, so when the shoulder straps on both sides of the dress broke , when the dress slipped down to my waist, half of my SpongeBob SquarePants sock was exposed in my flat, mess-stuffed underwear, and it plummeted to the floor... oh my god, you made me die!
"Hahaha..." The laughter was overwhelming.

This historic moment will break my record of various embarrassments over the years and occupy the top spot.If my mind hadn't been tempered to be indestructible, I might have jumped off the building long ago.If it was placed in a martial arts novel, the only witness lying on the floor would have been gouged out by my nine-yin white bone claws, cut off his tongue, and destroyed his body.However, if I knew the Lingbo Weibu of the Xiaoyao School or the Mysterious Movement of the Iron Sword Gate, I would definitely be under the wind and I don't know where I went.

Well, back to reality, calm down.Thanks to my many years of embarrassing experience, I quickly calmed down, and hurriedly lifted the skirt up to the neck, and tied the front half of the broken shoulder straps around the neck, but the back was inevitably exposed. With a backless outfit, I had to untie my coiled hair and drape it behind my head.

I walked up to the handsome guy who was lying on the ground and couldn't get up from laughing. I was furious. A gust of wind blew my hair around my face from behind. The scene was really horrible. I pushed my hair away vigorously. walked towards him.He still couldn't stop laughing, looking at me, laughing until tears flowed.I wish I could goug his eyes and kick him into the sky.In the end, I was so angry that I kicked his calf hard.

The boy immediately jumped up from the ground.He looked at me with "colorful" expressions and body movements. Sometimes he covered his belly and laughed, sometimes he covered his calves and howled, and sometimes he stared at me a few times.

(End of this chapter)