Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 10 The First Derailment (3)
Four years ago, on a chilly and windy February day, Zhou Wenjing arrived at Dr. Wang Rui's private clinic.The nurse recorded her relevant information: 36 years old, 1 meters tall and 120 catties in weight.She was introduced by ophthalmologist Jiang Zhongqi, and Wen Jing is the doctor's assistant; condition: frequent tachycardia.There were few patients this morning, and many patients canceled their appointments due to the cold weather.The nurse brought Wen Jing into Wang Rui's office, and he fell in love with her appearance immediately. He was glad that he was lucky enough to spend time with such a beautiful woman.In fact, she is not very beautiful: she has a broad face and slightly flattened features; but she has a warm and cheerful smile, bright eyes and a lively and relaxed attitude.This is exactly the femininity that Wang Rui likes, and her wife lacks these.

After asking about her medical history, he expressed that he hoped to know more about her private life. Tachycardia is often caused by emotional stress.She told him she was divorced four years ago, had two children aged 12 and [-], and worked as an assistant in the ophthalmology department of a public hospital.Was dating a guy last year and they got along great, but in the end he changed his mind.

Wang Rui gave her a thorough examination, and then handed her over to the nurse for an electrocardiogram.After the EKG was done and she got dressed, the nurse took her back to the office.He told her that the cause of her rapid heartbeat could not be found in the organ tube, and he believed that the problem was emotional stress.He discusses with her the problems of life, the responsibilities of a divorced single mother, her financial burdens, and the emotional stress of her various relationships, especially with the undecided Bachelor's dating.Afterwards, Wen Jing recalled that visit to the doctor:

"I liked him from the moment I met him. He was strong, taciturn, and masculine, the opposite of the man in front of me who couldn't make up his mind. After the examination, he talked to me about my life very naturally and freely. But , At that time, I didn't know that this was a very unusual thing for him. Wang Rui would not talk to people he met for the first time, not even with most people who had known him for a long time. In fact, when we met later, he Just a little bit about his own life: I talked about worrying about my younger son's behavior and he told me a few things about his daughter to reassure me. I found myself interested in this man, not just the doctor This line of business. I don't know if he has a wife, or if he's divorced, I can't tell because he never mentions his wife, though he talks about his daughter. I feel like he's used to me and treats me like someone else Patients are slightly different.

He ended up prescribing me tranquilizers and telling me that I had to simplify my private life; if the drugs didn't improve my condition, he might have to ask me to try psychotherapy.I got up to go, but he walked me out, through the waiting room and out of the elevator.

'Usually after work in the afternoon, do you pass by? ' I said: 'Yes!Sometimes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Dr. Jiang's ophthalmology department visits, and I will follow him to that area. '

'Next back to the neighborhood, give me a call and I'll buy you coffee. '

'Wow, we can have a drink right now! 'I said.

As soon as I finished speaking, I secretly blamed myself for my rashness.Dr. Wang said that he is not free now, and the elevator door opened at this time, I said 'goodbye' and hurried into the elevator.I feel like I haven't seen a heart-pounding man in years. "

Wang Rui:

"There is really a kind of spark between us. I almost never get involved with patients. This kind of thing is too risky. Wen Jing was introduced by his attending doctor, so the risk is even greater. But from her expression and answer, I have I was sure she would call. After a few days, she did call. She said she would come near my office around 04:30 and asked if I was serious about buying him coffee? Of course I said the truth, but I want Can't get out until six o'clock.

We meet at a quiet coffee bar down the street, not far from my office.We chatted and chatted, and before we knew it, two hours had passed.Both of them opened the chatter.In fact, I told her the whole story of my life.It's something I've never done, but I love talking to her.She felt the same way.Anyway, she was talkative and told me everything about her.

When she walked into the office that day, I immediately liked her appearance.In the consulting room, I had the opportunity to learn about her health.In the bar, the two gradually got to know each other.I found myself deeply attracted to her in every way.I have a strong feeling that we're going to be great together.I let her know I was married by telling her bluntly how I felt and hinting to her that she felt something she had never felt with me at home.She was clearly interested in the first half of my sentence, undimmed by the fact that I was married.

The conversation was full of excitement, and I didn't realize that it was the beginning of the lights.I invited her to dinner and she didn't budge.She called the eldest son and asked him to cover the two bowls of rice prepared in the refrigerator and put them in the microwave for a while, so that he and the younger brother ate first; while I called my wife, A Ling, and said that I would participate in the hospital The medical consultation held in the community will probably be very late, and they may spend the night in the hospital dormitory and not go home.

guilty?Lying is done in a state of serenity.As long as A Ling doesn't know, she will never be hurt. "

Quiet:

"Actually, I didn't have any particular reason to go to that area on the afternoon of the phone call. I think he must think so too, but I don't care what he thinks. And as soon as we met in the coffee bar, I felt that it went well, as if He was a natural fit for me. We drank coffee and chatted with high spirits and talked a lot about ourselves. Afterwards, both of us were very hungry, so we took a taxi to a restaurant called "Modern Restaurant". Chatted for a long time. In the meantime, he revealed that his marriage was not very happy, and he often didn't go back at night, but he never asked for a divorce. He was very candid about it. Oh, I never dated a married man, always thought it was It was a bad thing, but this time it seemed to be different, I decided not to set a frame for myself and took this opportunity to try.

We talked about everything from the Sesame Mung Bean thing to the sex issue, including many very intimate details.I've had sex with other men over the past four years, but I usually don't start talking about sex with new guys as soon as I meet them, or they'll think I'm a slut.But this time it seems to be open enough.

About ten o'clock, I called back, the voice on the receiver was very loud, and the TV was turned on very loudly; the two children must have made a fuss because I was not at home.I told them to go to bed and not wait for me.I'm already obsessed with the man in front of me, and I'm looking forward to what will happen further in the evening.I've never had that call-in feeling so quickly.But I didn't stop myself and let it develop.

It was eleven o'clock, and when paying the bill, he said to me: 'I'm not going home tonight, I'm staying in the dormitory of the hospital.I'll call a car to take you home first. '

The car stopped downstairs, and he followed. Before I could say 'goodbye', he asked me first, 'Can I go and see your home? '.I actually agreed.I don't know why I did that. "

Wang Rui: "I didn't expect Wen Jing to let me into her room. I guess, she was too embarrassed to refuse my request to enter the room. Once in the room, I couldn't restrain myself anymore and started kissing her. She acted It was overwhelming. Things really went downhill."

Based on our interviews and questionnaires, I would hazard a guess that about one in four married women and one in ten to one in eight married men have had an extramarital affair in which they backed off before intercourse.A significant number of these people (more than a quarter) believed that doing so showed their disloyalty.In the current era of "hedonism is prevalent", it is really surprising that so many people are deterred here.It is even more surprising that so many people feel that this is a sin of disloyalty.

A man and woman are deeply infatuated with each other, but both have strong moral values, and the affair lasts for months, always limited to kisses and fondling.Although tormented by lust, they never gave in, and although they thought they loved each other deeply, they never asked their spouses for a divorce.The depth of their love is questionable because when word of their tryst reached their spouses, they confessed everything and immediately gave up on each other.But after a whole year, they still dreamed of this love, and paid the price deeply for it.In the end, the man had to go to therapy to get rid of the intense hopelessness and sense of purposelessness that had haunted him since the affair ended.Although the woman was depressed, she described her continuous painful mental journey in a letter.Its content is disclosed in part here:
"This incident completely changed my outlook on life. This affair taught me that I need to think and communicate with the people I love deeply. Before, I fell asleep; after that, I stayed awake in bed, enduring The pain of not being able to get out of a difficult situation. It has been a whole year and I have not been able to tell my husband that I love him, not even in bed. We don't fight and he still loves me the way he loves me, but I don't know how I am in this situation. live in marriage.

I don't regret having an affair.But even an unfinished affair has had major consequences and has a powerful impact on an individual's emotional evolution: it is a liberating and empowering experience that leaves guilt and depression behind; It has not only eliminated the anxiety and boredom in the marriage, but also worsened the dissatisfaction of the marriage to the brink of rupture; it may have left a precious memory, but also left a fire of unsatisfied lust, which eventually will burn the marriage down. "

Across the emotional canyon

People who favor the absoluteness and intimacy of romantic relationships are more likely to view first-time extramarital affairs with a mixture of fear and fascination.For them, even if others don't know about it, the act itself will cause profound and irreversible changes in them.On the contrary, those who agree that the depth and breadth of love relationship have a certain limit, hold a relaxed attitude towards the completion of extramarital sex.For them, extramarital sex becomes a thing that is both scary and exciting, and they believe that as long as it is handled skillfully and maintains appropriate privacy, it will not cause harm.

People who hold this view spend years thinking about infidelity, discussing it honestly and primly with friends, indulged in fantasies, and feel guilty about it.With considerable anxiety they progress from teasing to emotional involvement and finally to the gates of lust.Although at this time, they still can't believe that they will really cross this threshold.Because no matter what they've done so far, they still view this almost mystical extramarital sex as a petty crime compared to the ultimate physical union.

There are secular factors behind this almost mystical significance: people who believe that the completion of sexual acts has great emotional and moral significance, that is, people who may be religious, or at least parents and the original Daji family have " Strict view of marriage.Many of these people live in families where infidelity is extremely opposed, and marital infidelity finds rejection from the family.In some of these individuals, low self-assessment, or lack of confidence in their sexual abilities, is an important disincentive.They are afraid of finding rejection from an extramarital partner, or of being accepted at first only to turn out to be incompetent or unsatisfying.When more of them have always had or consider themselves to have a deeply invested marriage, they are afraid that a single extramarital sexual experience may destroy the marriage.

As long as one of the above-mentioned factors exists, the parties are likely to delay taking steps.Half of the men we interviewed did not have their first affair until after six years of marriage, and one in ten did not begin having an affair until ten years after marriage.In women, the delay is not so long, and marital infidelity tends to have affairs when they are young and beautiful.

Most of the cases are likely to be a combination of sexual attraction and caring, which is the type of Xia Meng and Tian Tian mentioned in the "Looking for People Around You" section.

Xia Meng and Tian Tian

When the two of them were discussing with Luo Yiming about the spring book advertising campaign, they not only liked each other, but also felt each other's sexual charm.For both of them, sex and caring are indeed inseparable.As we work together and start caring about each other, the physical attraction builds up to be disturbingly strong.From the moment they kissed, their relationship quickly deepened.And yet, somewhere deep inside, they were both deeply concerned about the affair, the emotional upheaval it would cause.When they tried sex for the first time, Tian suddenly took a cold approach.This is an involuntary escape, not only an escape of sexual behavior, but also a betrayal of emotional promises.

After that failed attempt, for many days, Xia Meng tried to test her emotional intensity by asking herself:

"I asked myself whether the reason for this love is because my heart is hungry or my body has been suppressed for too long and needs to be vented? I doubt that if I have had several affairs every year after marriage, will Tian Tian's intrusion still be possible?" So different, so absolutely suitable for me? Then I laughed at myself and told myself that this love is real, and it is what I dreamed of for many years. Yanan and I used to have parts, but what Tian and I had was not parts, It's all. Whether it's laughter or seriousness, leisure or work, mind or body, we are both the key to the key, the melody and the harmony. However, I am quick to sneer at these lofty feelings .”

He came home that night in a mixture of hyperarousal and relief that he hadn't consummated sex with Miss Sweet, anxious and elated.Yanan was sitting on the bed reading a book; seeing him coming back, she got out of bed and made him a cup of tea, but did not immediately sit down and talk to him as usual.She goes into the bathroom.

When she came out of the bathroom, she not only let down her hair, but also exuded a faint fragrance from her body.Xia Meng noticed, he understood and felt both excited and guilty.

"I can't believe that it was me, just out of the arms of my lover, and immediately happily with my wife! I didn't hesitate but enjoyed the opportunity. I thought of their differences when making love. That night, Yanan even reached An orgasm like never before. I suddenly feel a kind of guilt. How can I soak in it and think about another woman at the same time? I have the most old-fashioned thought: Maybe a man doesn't have to love only one woman, don't have to use only one Way to love. Yanan is the wife, old friend, head of the family; Miss Sweet is my fulfillment of lost half, love, and dream come true. Maybe I can have both shark's fin and bear's paw, and with Different ways to love. Maybe that's the simplest, obvious, overlooked answer."

He was in a trance, and for two or three days he was sometimes humorous and sometimes silent and distant.His secretary avoided him as much as possible, hoping the situation passed quickly.Daughter Luo Ping wanted to arouse her father's attention, and deliberately used what happened at school to strike up a conversation with him, and even showed him a huge butterfly specimen, in exchange for his reluctant admiration and some vague words. Luo Ping left in a dispirited manner.Even Yanan asked him what was going on; he said he was worried about the decline in the company's operating conditions.She actually accepted his ridiculous explanation!
Tian Tian also had a hard time for several days:

"Luo Yiming came home, I tried to be friendly, but I couldn't bear the thought of him having sex with me. The first night I excused myself to have a headache, and he didn't say anything, but his expression was rather displeased. Then he talked about his a few days ago About the business trip. I barely listened to him talking enthusiastically, but I didn't listen to a word. My mind was full of things about me and Xia Meng. I thought we were almost in the 'perfect form', and I wanted to retreat by myself. How I wish I could have sex with him completely.

In the next few days, Xia Meng talked with me twice on the phone, but the biggest question about 'finishing' was still unresolved.

(End of this chapter)