Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 26
The moderately involved long-term affair is more common in another, more subtle form: an affair of unequal affection whose controlling valve is not money but hope for the future.The most typical form is that the man is married, reasonably wealthy, and doesn't want the affair to turn into marriage because it already gives him the extra satisfaction he wants.The woman is either single or divorced, not very well-off, and hopes to turn her affair into a marriage, because that can satisfy all her needs.The guy may be helping her financially, but money is a gift, a by-product of the extramarital relationship, not its main force or motivation.The stability of the relationship depends on whether the woman is willing to adapt to the conditions he requires and understands the boundaries of accepting this exploitative relationship.

But the stability of this kind of relationship also depends on the cooperation of the wife, whether it is intentional or not, because after the extramarital affair lasts for a period of time, it is very likely that many flaws will be exposed, not only concrete evidence or slips of the tongue, but also the man's continued absence from home and lack of sexual interest. excuses or chronic asexuality.In our upper middle class there is a tendency for wives to depend on their husbands for their social status and material comforts such as houses, cars, leather, jewellery, maids, travel, country club memberships, etc.These are the symbols of the status of the rising middle class in my country in recent years, so that in order not to lose all of them, they chose to refuse to express their views or refuse to beat the mandarin ducks knowingly.They often adopt the ostrich policy of turning one eye and closing one eye, ignoring it, pretending not to know, turning a deaf ear, turning a blind eye, or even openly accepting the fact that a man is having an affair.

Zhang Ya and Chen Tongni
Zhang Ya is the boss of a listed stock group in S City, and his extramarital affair with Chen Tongni belongs to this model.Zhang Ya and his beautiful, calm and self-sufficient wife Pu Li have shared meals at the same table and slept in the same bed for six or seven thousand nights, but their attitude towards getting along is like two strangers who are in the same boat, cooperating harmoniously without personal emotions.Together they built a beautiful house, raised a boy and a girl, went to places that suited them, and invited people to their homes that suited them, but they never told each other what they were thinking or feeling.

Apu seems to be quite content with going to women's clubs, making friends, and taking care of her husband and children at home.Even if she wasn't entirely satisfied with it all, or bothered by Zhang Ya's constant absence, she showed no signs of displeasure.Zhang Ya is satisfied with his family life style, he only wants so much for this marriage, that's all.As for other more needs, he hopes to seek from the existing extramarital affairs.

Zhang Ya:

"I can't finish talking with Tony. With her, I never have a time when I can't think of words, although I can't say half of what she said. Tony has the same interests as me. Listening to rock music, visiting art galleries, and even a passion for travel are all very similar. At home, Poo and I haven't talked about anything in years, she's taciturn and rather unresponsive, and she doesn't care about anything other than the kids, the house, social events. She doesn't even care about the nature of my work. And Tony understands that every time I tell her about some big projects planned in the group, she is always fascinated."

Tong Ni knew the boundaries and shortcomings of the relationship from the beginning, and she forced herself to accept:
"I found him to be a very good man, really good: strong, intelligent, very funny, very educated, the kind of man who really loves his work and his career. Beneath his grim exterior, he cared about everything around him This man has a sense of right and wrong, and has a sense of rhythm with the times. In my eyes, he is a semi-open man: he keeps repeating that he will not leave his wife is a sign; on the other hand, he insists on the privileges of men, He refuses to be directed by a woman. Maybe he is the president of a large group, and he is already familiar with directing others. I told him that I don't want to be a vase, but he said that when he is ready, he will naturally do what he has to do.

One time I wanted him to be jealous and he ended up not playing my game.Here's what happened: A guy asked me to go to the beach for the weekend and I told Zhang Ya and asked him if I should accept.He declined to make any comments because he said he was married and had no right to express an opinion about a person.So I said:
'I don't think you care. '

He reacted very calmly and said he did care but wouldn't tell me what to do because he didn't own me and couldn't have me.I ended up not going to the beach. "

As their relationship improved, they made it a habit to see each other on Thursdays, unless his group had urgent matters waiting for him.They'd go to a quiet bar for a drink, find a remote restaurant for dinner, and then head to the motel.Zhang Ya would stay out for one night every week. This is a long-standing habit. The reason he told his wife was that the group couldn't go home because of something.In addition, every week, he would secretly call her on his private line two or three times during his busy schedule, chat with her about daily affairs, exchange news, patiently listen to her talk about her problems, and give her decisive and rational advice.

A year later, he became bolder and began taking her to the better restaurants in the business district, avoiding only two places his wife knew well.

"I've always been wary of taking women to high places," he said, "but with Toni, I got tired of being evasive in diners. So, I decided to go high. It just felt right." Well, besides, if I meet acquaintances in high-class places, I can make up a story to get rid of it. But if I am found in a small restaurant, I have nothing to say."

Zhang Ya never seems to expect to have a woman who has both the advantages of a wife and a lover, and a complete love.He is perfectly satisfied with his limited love for these two women of very different qualities.He explained:

"Being with these two women with different personalities, it's like I have two different lives, I like both, and I'm a different man in both lives. A friend likes to remind me that this kind of thing doesn't Good ending, but I'm not going to give up. I don't know how long it will last."

The relationship between him and Tong Ni started to take another step, that is, renting a residence that belongs to the world of the two of them.Compared with his luxurious home, the place is really simple, but psychologically it is a big promise.The idea of ​​renting a house came to Tong Ni.After a year and a half of dating, she worried that he was spending too much money on hotels, and suggested that renting a furnished place might save some money and perhaps bring them closer together.

"I told her to just look for it, and she found it. It was an apartment that could cook at the same time, in the old town, with good transport links. I paid the rent from the public account. We also had our own phone, which of course was not registered in the The phone yellow pages. Whenever there is an emergency, my secretary will notify me. She is the only person who knows my private phone number. The room is not good, the place is small, and the furniture is not special, but it is clean, private, and It's ours. We put some clothes and belongings there. Anyway, it's better than a hotel, free, unhurried, stay as long as you want.

Two or three times a week, we met there after work, had some tea, sat and chatted, and I specially equipped the residence with a home theater, and we often listened to an opera or watched a VCD before and after sex.Afterwards, we went out for dinner, and occasionally she would buy something and cook it herself.Sometimes we go to bed before meals, sometimes after.I usually go home by ten o'clock at night.I have been using excuses such as 'the group has something to do' and 'the group has a meeting' to deal with Apu, and then I added some new excuses.Several times, I told Apu that I was in the 'Heaven on Earth Leisure Center to accompany clients from afar'.If she calls there late at night for interrogation, I'll be miserable.But I know my wife, it never occurred to her to ask.Tony often told me that my wife must know, but she just didn't want to catch me.In short, her words and actions did not make me feel that she was suspicious. "

In addition to renting an apartment, Zhang Ya also began to send Tong Ni occasional gifts: a large sum of money that would allow her to travel and vacation, a check to pay for her car repairs.But he never made this kind of self-help permanent.

"I don't want to raise her, like the kind of mistress in the current society. Anyway, it would be very difficult for me to raise her. I also let her not count on it. But I am still willing to help her. That way I Feel comfortable, I do care about her."

But he didn't know whether his concern was love.He spoke hesitantly when it came to this, clearly unsure of his feelings.

"I think I can probably use the word 'love'. Based on my understanding of love, I think I'm in love with Tong Ni. But I also love Pu Li, and probably many people can't understand this ambiguous statement. Actually, I Not sure I understand what love is and what it means. No wonder Tony has trouble understanding how I feel, and neither do I.

Once she asked me whether I would marry her or Puli if I started all over again, and I prevaricated.But to be honest, I would probably still marry Puli.Pu Li had the background, pedigree, and character I would expect a mother to be.I'm not exactly a dedicated father in terms of the time I spend with my kids, but I want the best for them: the best upbringing, the best education, the best moral standards.In other words, to have a mother like Pu Li and a strong and fulfilling family life like ours.I've always tried to be as honest as possible with Toni, telling her that what she and I have is wonderful, but my marriage has its values ​​and I'm not giving up those values.

However, sometimes I say things to Toni that she likes, for example, my wife and I have nothing to say to each other, or we have almost no sex life (once, I whisper in Toni’s ear in a playful tone) Said: "I occasionally visit Pu Li as a courtesy.") Besides, she knew that I would never use a divorce to settle my relationship with Pu Li. "

Zhang Ya believes that the several extramarital affairs he experienced back and forth did not have a major impact on his marital relationship.Still, he feels that these affairs have made him happier and more approachable.We asked all of our respondents about these two points, and about half of the men and women reported that their affairs had made little difference, for better or worse, to their marriages.But even without major changes, about half of men and a third of women feel that extramarital affairs have made them more tolerant of their marriages.It is worth noting that among the people who answered in this way, most of the extramarital affairs belong to the two situations just mentioned: [-]. short-lived and superficial relationships; [-]. long-lasting but limited feelings.Most of these people's marriages are low, or moderate at best, in terms of emotional engagement and interdependence.Marriage for these individuals may not be ideal by cultural and traditional standards, but may be the best fit for these individuals.If they were right that the affair did make them more fulfilled without hurting the marriage, then their infidelity would seem to be defensible under situational ethics standards.

extension of marriage

In this type of rebellious extramarital relationship, the parties' marriage is basically good, but it cannot meet some less important needs, or the marriage no longer meets them due to the wear and tear of time, so the unfaithful person extends the marriage into extramarital affairs, seeking experience Romantic lust and playfulness, the intensity of new sexual experiences, the sensual stimulation of each other.At the same time, the parties remain married in order to continue to meet their deep-seated needs, such as emotional security, reliable sexual gratification, parental role identities, and community status undiminished by the secrecy of the affair.Thus, extramarital affairs are based on rebelling against a kind of shark-finned life re-choice between adulthood and the narrow marital life that force the disillusionment of many of the dreams and joys that the individual wove in youth, while extramarital affairs provide some compensatory special Satisfied, to some extent awakened these broken dreams.

In another type, the marriage of the parties is seriously flawed, either because it was an unsuitable match from the beginning, or because the marriage is seriously inferior, so that it cannot meet most of the deep-seated needs of the individual.The individual develops outwardly, seeking not only romantic stimulation and sexual novelty, but also the fundamental satisfaction that has been lacking for a long time.Such an affair is broadly based and fairly solid, because it is not a rebellion against adulthood and married life, but a longing for adult fulfillment in a lasting love relationship.

In a rebellious affair, the cheater's behavior is directed not by their mature real selves, but by a young, unrealistic ideal self lurking in the depths of their unconscious.As a result, the object of their choice is often unable to maintain a satisfying adult relationship with them, but after the initial feeling of intense satisfaction, there is a strong contrast of anxiety and frustration.Below is an example:
A jeweler's wife in her thirties who once came home to meet an unconventional freelance writer with a writer's beard.She immediately fell in love with him.She herself is somewhat anti-traditional: dyeing her hair, dancing disco, reading avant-garde books, and expressing her views on reality.But she soon knew that her deviant style was much inferior to his.

"He is really outrageous! His impact on me is beyond my dreams. He fascinates me as soon as he speaks, and he can speak clearly about all the most avant-garde things of the moment. When he stares at me, my whole body goes limp; he As soon as my hand touches me, I lose myself. I never thought that I would love someone so much, even though I have been unable to communicate with him deeply. He has an excellent mind, quick thinking, and often jumps, or is in a certain place. incomprehensible levels.

I have two lively and lovely children, a middle-class life, and a husband I love.So my relationship with him cannot have a future, and there will be no results.I know all this, but I keep pushing myself, like a bird in a cage, bumping into the cage.In those two years, I went back to my natal family every three months, and each time I lived a different life for a few days, getting lost in him.Then I went back to my luxurious HOS, clean and healthy family, and weekend parties.Lying next to my husband at night, I had to put my fist in my mouth to keep myself from screaming.

This extramarital affair was more painful than happy, but for a long time I couldn't stop myself, I wanted to stop, but I couldn't let him go.Later, I did not receive a letter from him for two consecutive months, and the telecommunications bureau said that his phone was disabled.Afterwards, I got a letter from a paramedic saying he was in a drug rehab clinic.Six months later, he wrote to me after leaving the hospital, saying that he had moved in with a woman because he needed someone to take care of him, but he said she was also an iconoclast.I wrote him a letter of resignation, but for a long time I was in such a poor state of mind and body that my unwitting husband forced me to see a therapist. "

This confession not only describes choosing the wrong partner, but also shows the second common characteristic of rebellious extramarital affairs: the person's ambivalence about the extramarital affair and the partner's likes and dislikes: she wants to love the other person, but wants to end; Would rather obey; love each other but not like; happy to talk, drink, make love all night, but want to maintain marriage and family.

Such extramarital affairs are rarely smooth and continuous even in the budding stage. Instead, they are turbulent and intermittent, suffering from internal and external suffering and struggle: sometimes quarreling and evading, sometimes getting back together and changing lines, sometimes being tough and self-controlled, and sometimes giving in with impulsiveness.The client repeatedly struggled to restrain his lust, then indulged in it, and then worried about the dark and fruitless future.

Below is an example:
A 35-year-old museum researcher in City B had an extramarital affair with his colleague's wife.This is his first time.After having secret appointments with her three times in a row, he started to feel guilty, got drunk, and hit a tree while riding his bike home on a rainy night.Fortunately, nothing serious happened.

(End of this chapter)