Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 29
Sooner or later, the flourishing of extramarital affairs wanes and withers, sometimes ending violently, sometimes falling asleep.Withering in its simplest form, with less conflict or struggle, is a progeria, dying away in infancy.This premature senility occurs most often in superficial extramarital affairs that do not develop further after physical completion, and that have little follow-up reward other than sexual pleasure, which, however intense, is usually not sufficient to sustain the affair. .Because after the physical satisfaction, the main value of superficial extramarital affairs has disappeared, the stimulation and adventure of the sexual senses, the challenge of the first physical intimacy, and the elation of conquest all suddenly disappear.

signs of premature aging
An extramarital relationship with nothing but sex quickly withers, but without pain.This kind of withering does not bring any pressure, and it is not even worth remembering, and the descriptions of the process by the parties are often short, flat, and boring.

"It was fine for a few months, but I didn't love her and didn't have any long-term plans for her. Then I learned that she was talking about me with other female colleagues, which I didn't like, and the whole thing became a bit of a drag, and I I started thinking about ending it."

"Every time I'm with a man, I always think to myself:
'ha!I made you look good, you bastard! '.

Of course, I am referring to my husband, who wants him to be so domineering and domineering to me on weekdays.That feeling is very cool, but after a few times, I don't want to continue.The thrill of revenge did not last.Besides, I was worried about being caught. "

Zou Yongmei

Each affair began with fascination and arousal, and each new conquest brought her brief gratifications that soon bored her.The dull stuff is seldom worth remembering.

"All I remember is the beginning of the affair. Usually it starts off great! We find each other, we talk, and we both understand what's going on. Within a few days, we feel we must be together and can't wait. It's the most enjoyable phase. What followed was a period of back-and-forth phone calls, endless chatter, jealousy arguments, sneak trysts, and sex. But even in the process, I knew it was just a game with little substance in it. I guess the problem The thing is that after getting along for a while, I think most men are boring. Maybe that's not fair, it's not that they're boring all the time. The real problem is that we're not playing the real game, as if everything is It doesn't happen, I don't really care about them, they treat me the same way. Sometimes after sex they lie side by side and feel relaxed and comfortable, and I think to myself:
'Why don't I feel any call from him at all?Where have all the feelings gone? '"

The more common extramarital affairs, which provide comfort, friendship, and many other benefits, can sometimes fade away.Because it is much more deeply invested and complex than a superficial affair, its withering period can be stressful to a certain degree.Even so, as long as there is limited independence in the relationship and the more committed partner accepts that the affair cannot last for long, its withering may be a quiet decline rather than a violent breakdown.

Zhu Yun, a columnist for a major newspaper in City H, finally confessed to his long-time extramarital partner (the young actress) that he did not include her in his future plans.

"My relationship with Gu Min could have continued indefinitely, but I didn't see her as my next wife. In fact, I found myself wishing to get rid of her so I could find someone who was really suitable next. I think I should have told her about my long-term plans, which I finally did. She cried bitterly and said I was so damned why I hadn't told her sooner. But after a while she let it go and went on with it almost as before. I meet.

I kept pushing her to date whoever she thought was right for her, and finally she started doing it.I'm happy because I don't want to carry this burden anymore.Still, my ego still hurts every time she tells me someone took her out and she had a great time.On the surface, everything was normal between us, but both of us knew the smell had gone bad.Then my divorce plan was stranded, and my wife and I reconciled.Gu Min accepted a temporary contract with a troupe and performed in other places for three months.At the end of the summer, she called me from out of town to say that she was just married and very happy.I'm happy for her, don't I hope to get rid of her?But after that, I was depressed for weeks. "

This man desperately wants to get rid of the burden because the extramarital affair has not further developed and deepened, and the original sense of excitement and novelty has already become adult rice wine, and maintaining it requires a corresponding increase in effort and cost.The experience of a businessman whose marriage counts as happiness is a typical example:

"At the beginning of every time, I didn't care about the effort, especially the time and money. But later, when I dragged my exhausted body on the way home, I couldn't help but think:

'Why bother?Why should I cause all this trouble? '

My wife is fine too, and I like her more than this woman, and the relationship has become so laborious, time-consuming, costly, and annoying that it's not worth it.So I backed off.It always takes me a year or so to forget all the problems. "

The rebellious type of affair described in the previous chapter can also be exhausted by inborn weakness.But this type of affair often puts too much emotion and hope into it, making it difficult to end the relationship.Although the partner in a rebellious marriage loves the other person's goodness mostly out of his or her own rich and romantic imagination, he/she is so invested in that idealized image that sooner or later he/she will take things as they are. See more clearly.By this point, he or she will be raging and heartbroken, but there is still a hint of romantic fantasy.Once they recognize the other person for who they are, and think that she/he is not at all what he/she thought they were, they enter a stage of heated argument, insisting that the other person be who he/she imagines to be; And because he/she thinks he/she is not good enough, ordering her/he to act according to his/her will, first feels hurt, and then gets angry.As the intensity and frequency of friction between the two increases, they push each other away again and again, and then embrace each other again and again, accompanied by tears and warmth of mutual forgiveness.

Their affair would not pass peacefully, but rather a series of febrile episodes and convulsions mingled with intermittent pleasure and excitement, with each episode followed by more serious attacks.

The following Zhu Xiaodong and He Xinshen are such examples.

Zhu Xiaodong and He Xinshen

Although there are more than one reasons for the withering of Zhu Xiaodong and He Xinshen's extramarital affairs, the real intrusion is not unrelated to Zhu Xiaodong's late recognition of his "love".

Long before Zhu Xiaodong asked He Xinshen to move into his residence, he had vaguely realized that he had mixed feelings about the things he did for her.After they had lived together for a while, he enjoyed his role as benefactor and at the same time resented her unceremonious acceptance of all his gifts.For example, in autumn, He Xinshen found a modeling job in a department store. She never mentioned her salary in front of him, but she kept asking him for it at home, and Zhu Xiaodong took everything for granted.

He grew resentful and told her quite explicitly not to take advantage of the affair.She retorted that he didn't really love her, otherwise this little thing would be nothing.He snapped back, saying that if she wasn't a 3-year-old child, she must know what love in the world represents, and the angry tone of his speech shocked him.He began to pace up and down the small hall, counting his acts of generosity.But she covered her ears.Zhu Xiaodong walked out of the room angrily, slammed the door, and walked aimlessly on the street.

However, when he imagined that she was sitting on the ground covering her face and weeping, he suddenly felt regretful and sad.He called her from a public phone booth and returned home 10 minutes later.They were lying on the bed very drunk.At this moment, he felt a strange feeling of being both free and trapped.

"I let out a long sigh and felt relieved. Everything was back to normal and the world was back to normal. I'm glad I wasn't the last one to go. I lay on the bed and watched her get out of bed and go into the bathroom, through Through the frosted glass, the light reflects her slim figure, and her naked bathing posture has an impulsive sex appeal. I asked myself:

'Is that what you want?For this garbage, you made yourself miserable and deprived your innocent wife and children of happiness. '"

On a Thursday night just after the turmoil had subsided, she called and yelled hysterically that Zhu Xiaodong should come over immediately, saying that thieves had visited her house.Xiaodong hesitated for a moment and agreed.He told his wife that he almost forgot his date with two Canadian foreign businessmen at the "Mayflower" at night.After speaking, he hurried out the door.

There was no loss or damage to He Xinshen's residence, but the front door lock showed signs of being pried off.that is it.But He Xinshen kept crying, sobbing that she hated this house.Her residence is too far from the city center, the road is dark at night, and the residents upstairs are noisy.She came up with complaints one after another, and in the end she just got angry and said that she was so lonely, missed her mother, couldn't meet female friends here, and didn't have a man to date her, they all lived in P City, for him, Zhu Xiaodong, she gave up everything , what do you get?He only knows how to spend a little time every day to coax her.

"She was so excited, I couldn't get her to listen to a word of advice. I was getting bored. She kept yelling at me. I just got up and walked out of the room, thinking:
'This is really boring.I must turn over the stupidest chapter of my life as soon as possible. '

I'm sure I won't look back, and feel a sense of self-defense relief.I figured out what kind of person I could be with.I'd be happy without her.

The next morning, my feelings were the same.But when I got to the office, there was a message saying that He Xinshen's housing management office had called.I called back, and he asked me to authorize him to repair the gate where He Xinshen lived, and I had to pay for it.The call was made by He Xinshen asking the management office staff to make the call, because she had to catch a train to go out of town, and she didn't know when she would come back.After the phone call, I stood there like a wooden chicken.

Actually, I've been expecting her to go back and apologize and get back to her.I came to He Xinshen's residence, talked to the administrator about repairing the door, and then hurried upstairs hoping to get further information on He Xinshen's whereabouts.Her clothing and cosmetics were gone, as was her only suitcase.A few small pieces of paper were left on the phone table with several phone numbers written on them, as well as an address book.

I called at least fifteen times, but couldn't find her.Finally decided to call her mother's place.It was her mother who answered, in a evasive tone; it was only after I questioned that she admitted that He Xinshen was going to her place and asked her to call me back when she arrived.

I waited all afternoon, but there was no news of her arrival.Finally I couldn't resist calling her mom, and she was there.She cried and I cried too.We said that the two clearly love each other, so there is no reason to be so noisy.We agreed to forget about it altogether.She promised to be back; I said I would call her over the weekend.

I called her again on Saturday afternoon.It was her mother who answered the phone, with bad news: He Xinshen had already left for Shenzhen by plane at ten o'clock on Saturday morning, without leaving any address.I hung up the phone and held my head in my hands in a daze. "

Zhu Xiaodong couldn't think of a reason for her to treat him like this, nor could she think of where she got the money to go to Shenzhen, why she didn't tell me when she applied for the special zone certificate, and what she planned to go to Shenzhen.Apparently she'd been planning this for some time, but he couldn't understand the betrayal in it.

"For two whole days, I have no intention of doing anything, except to call her mother every one or two hours to ask about He Xinshen. My wife saw that something was wrong with me; I told her that there was something wrong with me in business. Complicated issues. I don't want to talk about it; she looks very confused: I used to tell her almost everything.

On the third day, I started to make long-distance calls, pretending to be the police, and made inquiries everywhere. First I found her sister and brother, then her father, and then her former boyfriend and employer, trying to get information about He Xinshen's whereabouts from these people. some clues.I made up a hundred lies on the phone.How shameless!
When I learned that she had been holding a SAR passport for three months, I felt deeply cheated, because I had always trusted her.I also learned that she bought a one-way ticket to Shenzhen from the airline, and the check was actually mine!At this point, I began to recognize that I was dating a woman who was cheating, profligate, unfaithful, greedy, and lazy.But when she returned to S city from Shenzhen, when she hooked my neck, snuggled into my arms, held my arm and walked with me on the street, I was out of my mind, and all the resentment was gone The ground evaporated.

I rented another room for her, near all kinds of interesting places of entertainment.I make a dozen phone calls with her every day and meet her almost every day after get off work.And during this period of time, I hardly ever got together with my wife and children, and I didn't even care about my own business.I spend more than 1000 yuan on her every month.I was like a gambler, betting more and more to keep her because I didn't want to spend money and lose the bet. "

conflict of interest

Some extramarital affairs are neither premature nor disillusioned, but because the emotional interests of both parties develop into conflicts, and there is a gap in the required investment between the two parties.Long-term affairs with limited affect often present such dysregulation, because in many of these types of affairs one partner exploits and controls the other, taking solace or pleasure from the extramarital relationship, maintaining it only within certain limits, and beyond it. , the extramarital affair went to failure.

Such conflicts occur not only between exploitative married men and exploited single women, but also between men and women who are both married and initially consider themselves fairly content.At the beginning, both parties regard the extramarital affair as an exciting and superficial affair. As it develops, one party feels that it will have a better future; the other party feels that interests have developed into conflicts and threats.The former gradually realized that there were many unsatisfied needs in the past marriage, and began to regard extramarital affairs as a feasible marriage; the latter only positioned it as a supplement to the existing marriage from the beginning, hoping to maintain it, but not Further development, the resulting conflict is inevitable.One filmmaker in his 30s in G City described the conflict that this situation can create:
"One night we were together again. She murmured:
'It really happened.I have come to love you more than my husband, more than anyone I have ever loved.But that's exactly what we both said we wouldn't let happen in the first place.We have told each other that each has children and has a certain status in their respective life circles, and we must not let it develop to the point of destroying the marriage.I'm sure I'm not in that deep. '

When she said this, I was so angry that I immediately retreated, got up, put on my clothes, and lost my temper with her.She cried first, and then began to viciously say that I am Don Juan, who can only conquer but not love, is an emotional liar, and is mentally disabled.She asked me what demon got her in so deep; and I said it was just for fun, why couldn't I honestly pick it up earlier.In the end I told her to calm down or I would just turn around and leave and never come back.I said we could either continue to have a light-hearted relationship or break up immediately.After some crying, she agreed to accept my existing relationship and make no other demands.I promise not to dump her.A frantic sex session ended the negotiations, but the ceasefire lasted only two weeks before the smoke resumed. "

(End of this chapter)