Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 28
Here are two instances of reluctance to admit to an extramarital relationship: "Lulu and I began our relationship on the basis of a friendly sexual relationship. I made it clear in advance that I did not want to have an emotional relationship because I have a wife and children. If the two of us Extramarital affairs, it was because we lusted for each other, and for fun, no great reason. Yet now, after a frenzy, we settle down to discuss the book we're reading, the state of the world, my job, her job, We talked about each other's childhood, our parents, our friends. Gradually, we almost knew each other what the other was doing and thinking. We were joking, and we were serious; we were silly, we were sober, we had everything. That's how it became Lost love, completely contrary to my original intention. It continued to grow and grow, and finally it was emotionally intense, intellectually vast, and sexually unexperienced. It contained everything that marriage did not have. So we There was a clear awareness that something had to be cut.”

A married woman returning to college falls in love with her history professor and doesn't hesitate to have an affair with him.

"Two weeks after I took his class, we were having lunch together and he kissed me. Two days later, we were a couple, and a week later, he asked me to be his part-time assistant editor to deal with his ongoing work. In less than a month, the two of us met in class three times a week, worked together many afternoons, and often had dinner together. Refusing to consider the effect it must have had on our marriage.

About three months later, during a meal, I had a sudden epiphany how complete he would be if not for both of them belonging to other people.I was terrified and overwhelmed.I told him that I thought we should try to love each other less, and he understood and agreed, but it didn't work.It was an all-in relationship that neither of us could hold back. "

As these two brief narratives show, the parties to the full-fledged affair strive for full interaction rather than the limited interaction of other types of affair.Even couples who can only sneak together for a few hours in a restaurant talk far beyond the narrowly personal, wanting to know and experience each other's lives, from breakfast to bedtime, from kindergarten to the present.Consummation affairs are rare not only because of psychological factors, but also because there are people who have such relationships and can't find enough time.Many of the people we interviewed had extramarital affairs that would have been consummated but were stillborn because of time constraints on one or both parties.

A consummation affair is not only rare and difficult, but also extremely unstable because it touches the person almost from the beginning and competes head-on with marriage.All marital infidelities are likely to compare their lovers with their spouses, and to compare the quality of their lives.In such comparisons, contemporaries tended to view spouses and lovers as having certain valuable qualities, and that both seemed worth clinging to.In a perfect extramarital affair, the lover is quickly recognized and fully interacts with himself, and the old love is compared in all aspects; however, the situation of having both fish and bear's paw soon becomes impossible The stage of enjoying the blessings of others immediately turned into a stage of spiritual struggle.

When such internal conflicts rage, the unfaithful will for a while try desperately to save the marriage.He talks seriously about his differences with his spouse, tries to make adjustments so that they can live in peace, silently announces a cease-fire, and often even avoids his spouse to reduce conflict.However, instead of adjusting or repairing the marriage, such efforts make it worse.S/he (s) believes that he/she is doing a holistic view, hoping to find out why the marriage is unsatisfactory.In fact, he/she is playing with the content of married life in order to find that his/her new love is superior to the old love in every way.He/she (they) want to have a thorough talk with their spouse to resolve misunderstandings and differences between the two.In fact, talking gives him or her the opportunity to openly express anger and hostility while finding counter-anger and hostility in the spouse to prove that the marital status is irreparable.S/he (s) tries to reduce the conflict by cease-fire and avoidance, but ends up killing the marriage relationship.Using these methods, he/she (s) provokes the spouse to act against him/her(s), alienates him/her(s), and thus finds a justification for his deep-seated desires.The day is approaching for the public showdown between extramarital affairs and marriage.

Liu Xiaochang and Xu Xia
The whole day of Friday was wasted.Liu Xiaochang was sitting in the office of the editorial department of the newspaper's supplement, trying to edit some manuscripts, but he couldn't concentrate.He finally admitted privately that his affair with Xu Xia had seriously eroded his seemingly happy and impregnable marriage.

In the evening, Xu Xia called and immediately realized that something was wrong with him; he said it was caused by a headache.The next day, when they met again for lunch at a fast food restaurant not far from their offices, he revealed what was on his mind: Last night he dreamed that his wife had been killed in a car crash.Xu Xia remained silent, her face pale.After a long silence, she said that their happiness must have caused great anxiety to both, and especially to him.She was sorry for not being able to make him happy.She said maybe they should end the relationship immediately before it causes irreparable damage or gets out of hand.

"Originally, I hoped that she would say that, so that she could make a decision to let me out of it logically. However, before she finished speaking, I had already made a decision in my heart that I couldn't let go of. How could I refuse myself and give up what I just started? Love? Abandoning the corner of the curtain of a new life that has just begun? Am I willing to return to the original sleepy and mediocre married life style?

During a lunch scene, they circled in this repeated cycle: one gave up, the other begged; then the roles were reversed again.In the end, they decided not to make any decisions until a few days later.However, the next morning, when he came to the office, he saw the letter from her on the corner of the desk at a glance.He opened the envelope with trepidation, and a few lines that were clearly written by her stood out in front of his eyes:
Dear Chang:

Your tortured conscience is right after all.Yesterday I went back to the office after lunch, and all afternoon I was looking out the window, thinking about what happened to you and me, thinking about your twisted and painful state of mind.I can't lie to myself, I have given you more pain than happiness, and what right do I have to possess your love and ruin your entire family happiness?We must forsake each other, and we should do so immediately.For me, it was the death of a part of me, but I would rather that than see you in this pain, much less hate me for ruining your marriage and family in the future.

We are still friends, but in order not to cause any trouble, we must endure this insurmountable pain.

used to be yours

haze

Liu Xiaochang called her in a rage, and spoke to her almost growling on the phone.He tells her he can't live without her, that he needs her love; his marriage may or may not be destroyed in the process.But if it is destroyed, it is only because it is already dying.His tone became more and more passionate, saying that he must see her after work, otherwise he would live like a year.

They met at a restaurant where the two often dated.

"We held each other's hands tightly, as if reunited after a long absence, and as if we were afraid of running away from each other. We stared at each other, sometimes passionately, sometimes sadly. The musicians playing on the stage played the piano while using teasing voices. Looking at us, as if saying to us: 'Aren't you a couple?'”

Xu Xia:

"I feel like we are two displaced orphans, with nowhere to go, no belonging, and only sympathy for each other. We will face loneliness and loneliness, and we will also experience the greatest adventure of our lives. In Xiaochang, I found myself A quality I've always dreamed of but thought was hard to find. He's masculine yet very sensitive, brilliantly intelligent without being pompous (at least in front of me), concerned about my well-being yet reasonably healthy selfish, right I showed a strong sexual interest, but it made me feel that he was selective about women. "

Once, Xu Xia's husband went out of town, and they even spent a night together at her residence.

"We finally got a taste of real life: talking for a long time after making love, the voice getting thick and sleepy; limbs entwined, and a drowsy 'good night'; Consciously snuggling over; morning sounds, yawns, cleaning sounds; morning kisses with the fragrance of toothpaste; fried eggs, bread, and a cup of strong Colombian coffee... Occasionally, a trace of anxiety and unknownness flashed through my mind, but being together is really Rich, unprecedented, and more importantly, such an experience trumps everything. "

Xu Xia:

"Things seem to be getting better. We soon stop eagerly exploring everything about each other, and we're both happy no matter how things go. Once or twice after sex he falls asleep and I love just leaning in like that." On his firm arms, listening to his regular breathing, looking at his peaceful sleeping face. Xiao Chang and I have a tacit understanding, fully understand each other, share everything, even the deepest things. The problem is, we still feel dissatisfied , wishing to have each other all the time, but there was my husband and his wife among us, and they were on our minds almost all the time. At first we always talked about them with a little sympathy, but later this kind of Compassion turns to agitation and finally despair."

Liu Xiaochang:
"I no longer had the foolish hope that I could love two women at the same time. No matter what issues Zhu Jun (my wife) and I talked about, it always led to quarrels and misunderstandings; when the children eat, when to wax the floors, Whoever invites to a party...there are always quarrels. Our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing. One night, hoping to make amends for our sexless life, I pulled her into my arms to be tender, and What came was passive and no orgasm. I was like a deflated ball, calling her 'frigid' and 'stone girl'"; she replied that I had no ability to provoke a woman's passion'. "

Xu Xia:

"Every time Xiao Chang talks about family affairs with me, I feel so conflicted. I want to encourage him and comfort him, because I know there is only one solution, that is, both of them divorce and then get married. But his opinion of marriage The connection is deeper than mine. He has been married for more than ten years. He has two lively and lovely children. He has a strong sense of responsibility for them. For this reason, he hopes to keep this marriage alive. I am afraid that he will be the chief culprit who destroyed their family, and the chief culprit who caused the two innocent children to lose their beloved father, and if in the end, there are problems in his marriage with me, will he think that I ruined him? Now, I no longer have such conflicts, and I can say that I am ready to give up my marriage without hesitation. Only I know how much I have angered Lu Kun (my husband); I don’t like treating him like this. The more I Treating him like this, the more he shows a resigned and unmasculine air. He is so unmanly! Sometimes, I would rather he lose his temper than hit me and walk away. A little physical punishment, Then I was free. It was an excellent solution to my problems."

Liu Xiaochang:
"I quarreled with Mr. Zhu in bed until four o'clock in the morning. We tried every means to stimulate each other with words, and we didn't fall asleep until we were tired from the quarrel. In the 13 years of marriage, we have quarreled countless times. Ten thousand times is not an exaggeration! Every time We quarreled, and we all went through all the dissatisfaction and complaints of life for more than ten years. I said the word 'divorce' in front of her countless times. But I didn't have the courage to actually divorce, because I have a son. A daughter, they need me, and this family also needs me. Besides, my wife who is too fat, too indifferent and likes to mess around will not give me a chance. Thank God for giving me Xu Xia, although I cannot have her forever. "

(End of this chapter)