Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 3 Definition of Extramarital Affairs (3)
It is likely that within a few decades the gap between norm and reality will have narrowed considerably, and many people will feel less ambivalence about the issue.The theories of the previous generation are often integrated into the feelings of the next generation, and what was originally only allowed in the mind has become allowed in the behavior of the current generation.However, although the sexual revolution triggered by openness has produced some external changes in our country, especially the inclusiveness of other people's sexual behaviors, the thoughts on their own behaviors have not changed much, because of the contradiction between likes and dislikes. Sexuality is ingrained in our character.Importantly, the dramatic increase in premarital sexual freedom has not drastically changed the monogamous nature of relationships: Today's young men and women still demand fidelity in their premarital relationships.

In short, as long as there are social norms, infidelity still has to be hidden from the other party, and it will cause guilt.In the next few decades, the number of incidents and publicity of extramarital activities will increase with the improvement of the degree of social openness, but most Chinese people are likely to continue to conceal their desire and behavior of infidelity, and continue to express their support for the principle of loyalty. idea.

Our cultural traditions give us a monogamous marriage model that is generally accepted by society. Although this model has exposed many shortcomings, it meets the emotional needs of most people.It also gives us a model different from marriage that is not approved by mainstream society. Although this model has many advantages, it only meets the emotional needs of a few people.In some respects, the approved model seems to be the better at correcting some of the failings of modern society: In our morally decadent and fractured culture, committed marriage partners are an island of emotional security to each other.However, it doesn't seem to fit the rest of modern life.Nowadays, people generally live a long life. They want to love only one person emotionally and sexually in four to fifty years, and keep this love strong, fresh and fresh, and satisfy their physical needs. For some people, although Not impossible, but quite difficult.Many people, for the sake of self-discipline, forbid themselves from doing anything that would jeopardize their marriage and convince themselves that they are happy.But some experts have begun to suspect that most committed monogamous married men and women are not actually happy.Many who remain faithful to one partner for life are likely to pay a considerable price.In fact, he or she endures a lot of frustration and helplessness, loathes his/her spouse, suppresses personal emotions, and limits his or her potential to enjoy a fulfilling life.

Judging from the unapproved model of extramarital affairs, it seems to be more in line with people's emotional capabilities and needs, especially men.It gives the individual an experience of constant self-redevelopment, rejuvenation, and stimulation that avoids the needs and challenges of intimacy; it succumbs to the ubiquitous temptations of modern society, and thus resolves them.But those who choose this alternative can also come at a price: infidelity is costly and time-consuming, it contradicts the norms of our family-based society, it is a social and professional drug, and once If it is exposed, it may bring ruin to the individual itself, and bring psychological trauma to the wife and children in the family, even if it is not discovered.

Despite the increase in modern lifespan, it is very likely that marital fidelity has become a dull and uninteresting thing.However, as time goes by, emotional infidelity is less and less a feasible solution.Unfortunately and unfairly, this fact applies more to women than to men: in our youth-oriented sexual culture, middle-aged women are often, if not always, at a serious disadvantage in competition with their younger counterparts, where they In my heart, it appears in the image of "a person who is old and pearly yellow".

Obviously, the choice of marriage and extramarital affairs has its own advantages, but there are also many unsatisfactory places.This dilemma should not come as a surprise, after all, you can't have both.Life requires us to constantly make difficult choices among dilemmas, and no matter which choice we make, we can't help but regret that we have to give up the other choice.

extramarital fantasy

A person's thought reveals that he/she is a polygamous or polygamous animal in nature before his or her actions.Almost all couples, even if they are perfectly matched, well-behaved, and hard-working, will sooner or later find themselves not only desiring an extramarital relationship but also mentally unfaithful to each other. some time.When such thoughts first arise spontaneously, they are often violently dismissed by the ego, but they recur again and again, and each time they are more difficult to get rid of.In the end, they are invited and embraced, but at a cost, which can lead to guilt in those who want something wrong.

Whether it's in the conference room or the grocery store, on the subway or public transport, extramarital fantasies are everywhere.Sometimes when the temptation is strong, the imagination will rise rapidly.But most of the time, especially in a happy marriage, fantasies are moderated, and most of them turn into stimulants for the couple's sex life.

Some people believe that fantasies of emotional infidelity are a sign of marital distress.It's possible, but I can't find evidence that there is a necessary connection between the two.One thing is certain, that is, sexual fantasies are a normal part of adult life, especially in today's environment full of sexual stimulation, everyone will occasionally fantasize about having a relationship with a strange opposite sex, or coveting a sexy neighbor, or dreaming Sleep with big names.It's just that in our country, sexual fantasies are still at the stage where they can be understood but cannot be expressed in words, and few people boldly discuss this matter, let alone disclose the "evil thoughts" hidden deep in the subconscious.

Many women fantasize about sleeping with strangers, wicked lovers, long-haired bohemians, or encounters in books like "The bridge of Madison County" (also translated as "The Bridge of Madison"). The homeless guy who had sex with him for a few days, and then he just walked away.They dream of a relationship that is wild, fiery and dangerous beyond the confines of everyday life.

A letter from a middle-aged woman tells of the inner distress of an extramarital affair.In the letter, she said: "Whenever I have sex with my husband, there seems to be another person in front of my eyes. This is a strange face. I have never seen him, but I seem to feel I like him very much. It is my husband who is touching me, but I feel that he is touching me. I dare not tell my husband because I can't explain what is going on. I can only feel ashamed and scared in my heart , it's like being caught having an affair with another man. But, I can't let go of this fantasy, because every time I think about it, I feel very happy. Can you tell me what to do? "

Sexual fantasies are not exclusive to women, but exist between men and women.But the survey results show that women's imaginations are richer than men's imaginations, and the number and degree of imagination are also more than men's.Some sexology experts speculate that this difference may be caused by women paying more attention to ideals, while men pay more attention to reality.For example, in their daydreams, young girls mostly fantasize about a Prince Charming running towards her, while the sexual imagination of young boys mostly involves hugging, kissing, and even going to bed with the imaginary Snow White.For another example, the wife who has sex with her husband in the same bed enters into sexual fantasies wholeheartedly, enjoys the supernatural stimulation brought by the fantasies happily, but excludes her lover.At this moment, as described by a wife: "If my husband was still useful at that time, it became a machine for creating sexual feelings for me."

Another young woman, and her childhood sweetheart, her childhood sweetheart, grew up privately for life and vowed to grow old together, but they parted ways because of their parents' opposition.Later, although this woman married someone else, she still couldn't forget her former first love in her heart, so when she lived with her husband, the image of that boyfriend quietly crept into her mind.

There is also a woman who secretly admires the demeanor and knowledge of a male colleague in the unit, but she is a married woman and cannot get close to this colleague, so she imagines her husband as that colleague in the intercourse in order to make herself feel better. Fulfillment in fantasies.

When a wife was about to have an orgasm, she suddenly lost control and called out the name of a male colleague of hers, which resulted in the couple almost divorcing.

This happens not only to women, but also to men from time to time.I often joked with some female friends that men often have two roses in their hearts. Although they usually choose only one of them rationally and morally, they will inevitably be tempted when they meet the other rose.According to Freud's theory, "loving the new and loathing the old" is the impulse of the original self and human instinct. We can also say that "seeing the difference and thinking about changing" is a normal reaction of any person.Just because we are social beings, our superego regulates our actions.However, even in this case, men who are in love with their former lovers will fantasize about their former lovers returning to them when they have sex with their current wives.

However, men rarely feel guilty for this, and others do not connect this fantasy with ethical reasoning.Obviously, in this regard, the traditional concept is demanding on women and pampering men.

From adolescence, men have fantasized about having sex with a sexy beauty who can satisfy all his requirements.She might be Marilyn Monroe, or the girl who saw the cover of Playboy magazine.She can also be a normal but fiery young virgin.She is what he wants her to be.

It is quite common to have sexual assumptions about the opposite sex we have known in the past.We all remember high school and college sexual desires.We also remember our girlfriends or boyfriends from back then.Memories and sexual fantasies merge into one.When we go to class reunions, we often go there full of sexual fantasies, inexplicably excited that we may regain the opportunity of youth and drive away the sadness and restrictions of middle age.

Even a very happy marriage can feel slightly inadequate.Well-married couples feel that their most important needs are being met, and that whatever is not becomes part of everyone's figment of the mind.Marry a stable man and find yourself yearning for extramarital sex; marry a talented but not tender woman, and fantasize about having a tender woman to caress and care for.

In partnership marriages, the relationship between husband and wife is equal, and the wife usually does not care much about the other half.Several men who belong to this type of marriage have sexual fantasies and long for a meticulous and considerate extramarital lover.A man in his 50s said:
Really funny.I am very supportive of the feminist movement and consider my wife to be a high achieving professional.But if she can achieve everything feminism aspires to, plus all the qualities of a woman, fine.

This sentence somewhat reveals the "secret" of the subconscious mind's sexual conjecture. Human desire to have sex with a seductive and sexy goddess is more exciting than having sex with a peaceful wife.

Happily married couples understand that they can't have everything and that some wishes will never come true.However, the line between extramarital fantasies and actual behavior can be fine.What's more, certain extramarital fantasies are just as dangerous as actual cheating.

Gao Tian
Gao Tian is 38 years old, with a peaceful temperament and a simple family background.He is of medium height, slightly fat, decent but conservatively dressed, with neat curly hair, an honest square face, rough and carefree.However, we were misled by his appearance.He is a sensitive and talented man, a failed underappreciated poet who succumbed to the desire to make money and became an advertisement writer for a small advertising company, but still sweated poetry in his spare time, writing about the despair and distress of contemporary people, completed A poem about modern times, hoping to one day leave the advertising circle and engage in a more valuable industry.According to him, his poems have never been published, and his scripts have never been produced or performed, but there are always some newspapers and magazines that will publish his poetic advertisements.

Six years ago, a thought came to him that made him panic.This idea is not what he wants to see.He has a diary that he started writing in April three years ago, and it has been locked in a desk drawer in the office.On page five of this diary, he talks to himself:

"When did it all start? It's not the first time I've kissed Michelle, it's not the first time I've wanted her, it's not the first time I've dated her. It all started three years ago, from 'Those Thoughts' in It sprouted in the middle of the night, like a mushroom that grows infested in the green grass of my head during the rainy season. It was the first betrayal in ten years of marriage. It started at that time."

After many years of marriage, he would not allow himself to meditate, even if he encountered a seductive naked body on the beach.One summer day six years ago, his wife Huihui took two children back to their natal home to visit their parents for three weeks, and for the first time he began to think about other women.

"I should have been vigilant. I should have been aware of the future and beware. But I wasn't."

The first scene is unforgettable: he had dinner with two clients, one was Wen Jie (an advertising salesman), and the other was Wen Jie's wife Lina.She is delicate and girlish, lively but seems to be hiding some secret.He thought she was very cute, and he always sneaked a glance at her when others were not paying attention; she noticed, and looked at him again and again, with a special meaning in her eyes, some kind of ambiguous message.Gao Tian was extremely nervous. He had never had such an experience, not even when he was in college.Returning home after dinner, he was distraught and full of anxiety.He made no attempt to find her, nor did he see her again.

On the night I met her, "I was lying on the bed, imagining Lina's big breasts and wide buttocks. This night, I committed an act of infidelity to my wife for the first time. I continued to imagine that one night Wen Jie Another business appointment with me. He was late. Lina was first. She walked into the restaurant; I waved to her. She came and sat next to me. I offered her a drink. I was restless. After a long silence, I looked down at my hands and said softly:

'We didn't seem too comfortable with each other. ’ She said: ‘I feel it too.what's going on? '

There was another long silence, and they looked at each other deeply.We both know what happened.At this moment, Wen Jie walked into the restaurant. Afterwards, everyone's attitude was straightforward and business-like, but her eyes met mine again and again.

Two days later, my phone rang and it was her, upset and needing to talk to me.I told her I'd always wanted to call her, but didn't dare.We met for lunch, almost incoherent, emotionally turbulent.We asked each other how to deal with this sudden emotion between each other.I paid my bill, and in silence, went to a hotel in a trance.I registered and the two of them went upstairs without saying a word.

After that, oh my!The watery tenderness, the hot passion, the mingling of lips and tongues, the persistent exploration of fingers along the soft skin, excitement and sighing, exhaustion and happiness, and the inner meaning of all these with a trace of guilt.

'Wicked man, you are lying on a bed outside your home, with your body clinging to another woman! '"

In a spasm of emotional pain he suddenly stopped the love affair that was in progress.Even Lina felt his abnormality.

"But after only a week, I wanted to have sex with Lina Lina again. After another week, I wanted to have sex with another woman, and then many women. And I, a fool, never I noticed that the relationship between Huihui and me has been in trouble for many years, and I kept creating fantasies there, and even though our relationship became increasingly cold and deteriorating, it has reached the point of disintegration."

(End of this chapter)