Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 2 Definition of Extramarital Affairs (2)
In the evening, a man and a woman, both in their late thirties, sat in a car parked near the beach.They held hands, sighed, and stared at each other, looking out over the calm, cloudy water.Two pale faces, dotted with dark eyes, mouth, nostrils.They whispered love words and kissed each other's faces.They confide their love for each other, their loyalty to their families, and their unexpectedness about the situation in front of them.They talked about what brought them together at this moment, a stage play by a local theater group in which they played the leading roles.They discussed the play to be rehearsed tonight, glad that they agreed with each other, and felt that the other was sensitive and thoughtful.He looked at his watch, they had been together for an hour, and they had to go to the rehearsal.

In the three months since they fell in love, their relationship had gone no further than that, crossing boundaries only in their daydreams.Both of them came from rigid and traditional moral families.Although both of them suffer from longing for each other (the most painful thing is lying next to their spouses at night, tossing and turning), the two often talk about when and how to complete this love, but because of fear, guilt, and because of I think the two have not done "wrong things" so far, so they have never taken any action.At least, until recently.But in the last month, he panicked when he tried to have sex with his wife three times and couldn't.He began to think that he should confess everything to his wife, hoping that she would act, make decisions for him, and help him solve problems, but he didn't know what the result he wanted.

A gray-haired but still young businessman, alone in the study of his home in the suburbs, took out a letter that was mailed to the office today, and read it again.There is no problem doing this because the wife never bothers at work.This letter was written by a young divorced woman who lived thousands of miles away. The excerpts are as follows:
"...you know, my dear, I'm not writing this letter because I want to, but because I have to. I'll probably never forget what happened before Christmas in my life. Full of deep tenderness suddenly facing nothing. Tae-woong, dear, I desperately need someone to love; I have a mind full of thoughts, a heart full of feelings, and if I don’t have someone to satisfy me, I will wither. But I can’t pass through the post office, The phone company and being with you two or three weeks a year is all I want. We have to change the footing of this relationship. Whenever you come here for business or I go over there to visit my parents, we meet happily Just play around and stay in the relationship. I have to, or I'm going crazy."

Extramarital Ambivalence Complex

The outline of "extramarital affairs" roughly presented in the aforementioned examples covers a wide range of meanings and experiences in Chinese life.But it is not easy to clearly divide this category. The meaning of the term "infidelity" varies from person to person, and some people use it to describe behavior that others don't.Obviously, women are more inclined to define extramarital affairs as a relationship with emotional depth, and regard natural extramarital sex as flirting or cheating.Even the seemingly clear term "infidelity" has inconsistent definitions.Half of men feel that having sex with a call girl while traveling out of town does not count as genuine infidelity.In their view, "infidelity" is defined as liking another woman, dating her regularly, and spending part of the family income on her.The ambiguity in these definitions is partly due to the lack of consistent professional opinion on the frequency of extramarital affairs in our country and the most common forms of extramarital affairs.Some sociologists believe that casual sexual relations are the most typical extramarital experience, while others believe that deeper and longer-lasting relationships are the most typical extramarital affairs.

To date, there has been only one major source of robust statistics on extramarital sex, the work of Dr. Alfred Kinsey of the Institute of Sexology at Indiana University and his colleagues. The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex.Flaws in Kinsey's methodology and sampling process aside, critics say his sample was too intentional, a sample population that was more self-selective than random.These two reports, on a fairly large, near-national sample, indicate the number of men and women who have had sex outside of marriage.To put it simply, the results of these two studies are that about one-third (ranging from 27% to 37%) of every five-year-old married male age group have had at least some extramarital affairs, that is, at least Had an extramarital experience.As for the cumulative number of incidents, the total percentage of men who have had extramarital experience in their entire married life is relatively much larger.The author of the book wrote in his famous assessment:
"On the basis of these actual data, and taking into account the hidden numbers, it may be said that about half of all married men have had sexual intercourse with a woman other than their wife during their marriage."

As for women, in the five-year-old age group from 26 to 50 years old, about one-sixth to one-tenth of women in each age group have had at least one extramarital experience.Cumulative incident figures estimate that one in four women has such an experience.However, according to the author of the book, due to the hidden number of people, the actual number may be higher.

These best numbers anecdotally are also almost the most feasible.However, in two books, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male in [-] and Sexual in the Human Female in [-], Paul Gibha Dr. (Dr. Paul Gebhard) thinks that the number mentioned above will continue to increase.Here is a quote from Dr. Gibha:

"If I were to make an estimate on the cumulative number of incidents in 20, I would think that men accounted for [-]% and women accounted for [-]% to [-]%. This is a transformation, not a revolution. A revolution, caused by society allowing us freedom of speech and the press to develop too quickly. That is not the same thing as an actual change in behavior. But self-inflicted contention in publishing and speech does change the public behavior of the next generation."

But how big will the change be?Whether these changes are good or bad for the marriage of men and women, scientific prediction and judgment cannot be made.

The ambiguity of the term "extramarital affairs" is part of the reason for the ambivalence that ordinary people have about such relationships.Although my country's reform and opening up in [-] has seen a sharp increase in the freedom of speech and publication in society relative to "extramarital affairs", there is still a strong sexual norm in society and even public opinion: premarital sex is not approved, condemnation is not Legal marriages, illegitimate children, abortions, and of course adultery.

However, after all, society is more open than ever before. Today, we can hear everywhere the behavior of a few people who openly challenge the above-mentioned norms. College students openly have sex and even live together. sexual orientation.More importantly, there continue to be a large number of duplicity people in society who enthusiastically accept and even support this norm in public, but do very different behaviors in private, and even violate the norms contained in the norm. a part of.

In the study "The Significant American," American sociologist John F. Cuber and his co-author Peggy B. Harroff argue that traditional The norm is a "great illusion" based on "collective camouflage" and the intentional falsification of most people's sexual thoughts and behaviors.The two authors are not alone in making this discovery.Virginia Satir, noted family therapist and co-founder of the Esalen Society, reported at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association in [-], "Almost all current research on sexual behavior in married people indicates that many couples are not monogamous...Monogamy is a myth. High rates of polygamy and polyandry are fact."

The deviation between norms and reality abounds in society.Regardless of the disapproval most people display about marital infidelity, television, movies, novels and plays have repeatedly made it a perpetual theme, attesting to the widespread fascination with marital infidelity.In recent years, TV dramas based on writer Chi Li's "Come and Go" and "Lipstick" have been broadcast in prime time at night in various provinces and cities in my country. Film and TV series such as Passion, Let Love Call the Lord, Love Is Dead, and Heartbeat have also hit the air one after another."A Sigh" filmed by the famous director Feng Xiaogang, as well as series published in a way that suddenly swept the literary world since the new century, such as "A Girl Split into Two", "Cold Lips", "Toxic Marriage" and "Sister Dreams, Sister Dreams" Come" and other literary works focus on the phenomenon of extramarital affairs in contemporary China, leading the audience to think about the social phenomenon of extramarital affairs one after another.

Interestingly, the media often present marital infidelity as a stimulating and beautiful experience, and even in movies, this behavior no longer has to end in misfortune."The Arrangement" (The Arrangement) by American Eli Kazan describes a pair of adulterous lovers who finally got married happily.

People's attitude toward extramarital affairs is somewhat similar to their attitude toward paying income tax.Many people cheat (some less, some more); most people who don't cheat want to, but dare not.Neither the actual cheater nor the would-be cheater admits the truth or defends his or her beliefs (with the exception of a few close confidants), and almost all of them educate their children by traditional norms, even though they don't believe it themselves Traditional norms are not expected to be followed by children when they grow up.

Here's a stark example of how norms diverge from reality:
A sales representative with several small manufacturers explained how he started cheating on his wife at the age of 12 after [-] years of happy marriage:
"It never occurred to me to be a prostitute. I don't understand this kind of thing. As far as I know, the neighbors around me are also some very serious people. After starting as a freelance representative, I was able to meet for the first time. The real face of Lushan: Everyone messes around whenever they get a chance. People who do business with me come to the city and either expect me to arrange leisure places for them, or they want me to accompany them to bars to find women. I learned about human nature, see Everything behind the scenes, and everyone seemed to be having a good time, no one was hurt.

One night, I had a drink with one of the manufacturers I represented. He passed a note to two girls sitting in the other corner, and then the four of us sat together, which was very interesting.Afterwards, I took one of the girls home in a taxi, and in the car, I hugged her.So I started playing with her three or four times a week, and it was fun.Thinking about it now, the change is really big.At the beginning, I didn't want to do this at all. I just wanted to love my wife. "

A 38-year-old late-night radio DJ put it this way:
"One day, my wife said that she was going to have dinner and stay overnight with some friends who lived more than ten miles away from the city, and said that the maid would sleep at home and take care of the children. So I went to my The girlfriend. I didn't have to rush home because the wife wasn't home. I woke up early the next morning and I thought to myself, 'Oops, if Jimin (my wife's name) gets home first, he'll know I haven't been home all night .This is terrible!'

Even though my hot girlfriend was still lying naked next to me waiting for me, I got up and called Jamie's friend's house.I sweated, trembled, and prayed I'd get her there before she left for home.But when the phone was connected, her friend said in a confused tone that Jamin was not at her house, nor had he been here, and they had never talked on the phone recently.

For weeks now, I've wondered if she might be having an affair with my best friend.Now it's finally confirmed!I left the naked girl behind, put on my clothes, and rushed out the door so I could get home before Jaymin, prove my innocence, and settle her infidelity.

Furious, I rode my bike home like a madman.She hadn't arrived yet.So I messed up the bed and chatted with the maid and the kids before heading out to work.

In the afternoon, she called the radio station, and I immediately quarreled with her on the phone. I asked her to stop acting, and asked her where she had been that night, like a righteous priest.

She was silent on the phone for a while, and then said only one sentence: 'I don't think there is anything else to say. ' After finishing speaking, I hung up the phone.

In the afternoon, she returned home, took the child and moved back to her natal home.At night, I came home to the empty house and realized that my whole life was ruined.She got along with one of my best friends behind my back and didn't even want to be forgiven.In the dark night, I woke up and felt a huge stone weighed heavily on my chest. In the dark, I grabbed the phone; half an hour later, I was lying in the oxygen room of the hospital.

During that attack, I lay in the hospital for three weeks.By the time I got out of the hospital, she had found a divorce lawyer.She didn't want to go home and didn't care about my feelings at all.After a while, he actually married that bastard. "

One Sunday night, in a poorly decorated apartment in S City, a young man and woman watched TV indifferently.They had been separated before and are currently trying to get back together, mainly because they have a one-year-old son.Things don't go well, though, and despite her efforts to live with him again, she secretly dates a man she fell in love with during the separation, avoiding his advances as much as possible.

Near midnight, the two go to bed; he tries once in vain.She excused being tired, so he turned his back in anger, and finally fell asleep without a sound.

She stayed awake, watching the hands of the Yeming clock above the bed.At around 01:30 in the morning, a car pulled up under their window.She could hear the sound of the car, slipped out of bed immediately, put on a coat, and walked downstairs quickly.The man driving the car drove into the wilderness, and the two made passionate love in the cramped back seat.

In the early morning, she went back to the house, got into bed, and slept until 07:30 in the morning.Then get up, change clothes, make breakfast. At 09:30, she was already standing in the classroom of a certain elementary school, facing a class of fifth grade pupils, and began to teach Chinese.

In a wealthy residential area on the outskirts of the city, a slender, well-dressed 38-year-old woman with a silk scarf around her neck talked about the new truth of life she experienced after separating from her husband:

“You could ask every couple in the neighborhood and they would tell lies and deny any wrongdoing. However, after my husband and I separated, I discovered some unexpected truths. In the first two months, about four My friend's husband called me and made excuses to ask me out for dinner, or made their intentions clear. I was deeply shocked, they are usually some decent gentlemen! I no longer believe that there is anything in the world it is true.

Since then, I've noticed something I hadn't noticed before: Once I visited Lynn at her home, thinking her husband had gone on a business trip and she must be lonely.But when I approached her house, I found Guoqi's car parked not far from her house.sky!Sometimes, I am very resentful and cynical.I have lived in it for so many years, but I have never been aware that my surroundings are full of lies. "

(End of this chapter)