Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 31
After the opening of the country, some methods that were unheard of in the past were introduced into the country.For example, hiring a private investigator against the odds is one of them.Reluctantly, because the process of uncovering the truth both humiliates the infidel and demeans himself.

A phenomenon perhaps more common than the foregoing, and certainly more emotionally significant, is that of unconscious self-confessions.This phenomenon expresses an unconscious desire to tell the spouse the truth, sometimes as a means of revenge, sometimes to antagonize the spouse to create a premise for divorce, and sometimes to obtain the spouse's assistance in ending the affair.

The unfaithful may also desire and be unwilling to have an extramarital affair, slipping away or having an accidental revelation as a result.Sometimes the mistakes are so blatant that even the person who made them is taken aback.Some people accidentally leave a lover's letter or note where others are sure to find it.Some have forgotten the excuses they made up to go out, and the later statements are self-contradictory with the previous ones and cannot be justified.Some people take home tokens or mementos of their affair for collection, not considering that the spouse will find something in the collection and the truth will come out.

Voluntary and willful confessions of the truth are also commonplace.About a third of those we interviewed and surveyed said they told their spouses themselves.The motives for voluntary confession are varied, such as guilt and need to be forgiven, hope to be stopped, hope that the spouse will allow the extramarital affair to continue, desire for divorce, desire for revenge... Such confessions may be planned in advance, but most It slipped out of the mouth naturally in the quarrel between husband and wife.

It is often assumed that almost all spouses react violently and negatively to learning of an affair involving an unfaithful spouse, but this is not the case.In our interviews and questionnaires, more than a quarter described their spouse's initial responses as tolerant, understanding, and even happy (happy responses may be limited to spouse swappers, or those with sexual disorders who believe that an extramarital affair can undo the bed). obligated people.) However, nearly three-quarters of the spouses responded traditionally, ranging from paralyzed with fright to rage.His or her emotional responses also included jealousy, humiliation, and extreme depression.His or their behavioral responses will vary from completely passive to violently active, depending on the degree to which they express anger and blame themselves for the extramarital affair.有的男人砸家具、揍太太、威胁要杀她的情人；女人有时会做同样的事，不过较为常见的是一哭、二闹、三自杀。Some men and women will be pale, silent, depressed and closed, and some will tremble with anger or border on hysteria, but heroically restrain themselves, and masochistically insist on knowing the details, when, where, how and especially why . "Just tell me one thing: How am I sorry for you? Did I let you down? What makes you so tempted by him (her)? I must know." This is the usual response.

Fighting back against an affair can drag on for days, or even months, out of shock or fear.Whether it is late or early, the form of counterattack is almost always described in literature, and it is familiar.At first, women may resort to sympathy (tears, cries, distress), violence (losing temper, smashing utensils, punching, or nailing), or reducing service (leftovers, unpatched socks), sex, and sexual intercourse. Emotional rejection (sleeping on the sofa), monetary revenge (spend a lot of money on decoration or purchases, health and beauty), specific isolation (change the door lock, suddenly go back to your mother’s house or stay at a friend’s house).Men reacted similarly to their wives' infidelity, although preferred methods included indifference, violent outbursts, extortionate money or sex, drinking and gambling, desertion, and threatening or beating a spouse or lover.Sometimes both sexes use their children as effective weapons to fight back, creating guilt by directly addressing or implying that the behavior of the unfaithful is shameful.

If the injured spouse is too passive or timid (usually a woman), unable to fight back against the other party, he may vent his anger on himself.It may take the form of accidents, health neglect, suicide attempts, or other self-destructive behaviors such as going without food or drink for days, lying in bed all day and night, and ignoring anyone.This kind of counterattack has a great effect on the conscience or self-blame of the unfaithful, and they are afraid that things will go wrong.It is even more unfaithful to see that his family is ruined because of his infidelity.A young business executive described his feelings:

"I got home late, the lights were still on, and she was lying on the living room floor, cold and snoring, with a half-empty bottle of sleeping pills and a depleted bottle of wine.

'Jesus,' I thought to myself, 'couldn't she take a lighter approach?'
I pulled her up and dragged her into the bathroom, and put some emetics in her mouth to make her vomit.I helped her walk outside in the cold wind for a long time, then sat her in the kitchen and forced her to drink some coffee so that she could wake up as soon as possible.She woke up and started whining, feeling like a loser.I told her over and over that I was just a typical restless man and that it was no big deal.But these words did not comfort her.Finally an idea came to my mind and I said I would go to therapy and figure out what was wrong with me.I meant to imply that I have severity issues. "

Occasionally, the injured spouse (especially women) will compete aggressively with the partner of the cheating spouse by resorting to magazine campaigns, buying new lingerie, changing haircuts, and trying to make themselves "cheaper than the other" Women" are funnier, more courteous, more seductive.

In most cases, the most powerful punishment available is divorce, but divorce is hard on both the punished and the punisher, and is therefore generally threatened rather than enforced.And even if it is really implemented, it is usually a last resort until other tricks have been exhausted.Only one-third of those who learned their spouse was unfaithful threatened to divorce if the relationship did not end.Threats may have been made involuntarily during the dispute, or they may have been devised in consultation with a lawyer.Sometimes an injured spouse will produce a lawyer's letter to deter the affair.

If verbal threats or a letter from a lawyer are ineffective, resorting to a visual notice of divorce can often cause the other party to sever the extramarital relationship.Even if the infidelity is stubborn and unmoved by tears, snarls and punishments of all kinds, he usually understands that divorce because of his own infidelity is a very serious matter. In addition to the humiliation and embarrassment of knowing, and the countless legal problems of divorce, there are two haunting problems of financial bankruptcy and loss of children.

There are several processes by which external pressure and punishment lead to the withering of an affair.Sometimes the first fight back can easily unravel the affair, and sometimes the infidelity automatically ends the affair after weighing the realities of internal and external difficulties.

Ending an extramarital relationship is often a painful process that goes on quietly for weeks or months, sometimes living at home when trapped or openly provoked by the partner, but still He continued his extramarital affairs viciously.For the most part, however, these couples realize that going on is getting worse; knowing that the two will never be fully in love or married, they try to end the relationship gracefully, saying prophetic platitudes:

"I can't bear to see you so unhappy, you need to make peace with her. Go, I bless you."

"The time has come for us to make a clean break. No phone calls, no letters, no looking back. Promise me?"

"I will never regret the relationship we had, what I regret is that it is coming to an end."

"Of course I will cry, but in other circumstances, I would never be willing to part with you."

……

After these words of comfort and mutual understanding, they assured each other that the end of their relationship was not the fault of the other.At this time, they felt a little tragic, mourning the sudden disappearance of this "stolen love": they were still talking to each other yesterday, but today they are gone.

Ye Xin and Shu Lang

"Hello, hello"

A man's voice came from the microphone again.Ye Xin listened, and slowly put the microphone back.He had called Shu Langda many times before, but Shu Lang's husband never answered.Although I don't know if it is her husband's voice, but I guess it is correct from the feeling of the voice.Although it was only a moment, but listening to the voice, I didn't expect him to be so young and articulate.

What made him even more surprised was that, only today, Shu Lang's husband answered the phone.Is it by chance?Or is today special?He was surprised to hear her husband's voice, but he was more worried, why was her husband the only one who answered the phone today?At noon, her daughter answered the phone, and now it was her husband again. Everything in Shu Lang's house seemed to be different from usual today.

What happened to Shu Lang
From the day she made an appointment to go to Shangri-La, she seemed to have disappeared and cut off all news.She won't die, can she?At least a phone call should be made.Did it go to heaven?Still down?In short, he was miserable, and he could no longer call for information.In this way, a week passed in uneasiness and anxiety.

There was a time before when I didn't see Shu Lang for nearly half a month, but during that time, at least I could hear her voice.Last summer, they talked almost every day.It can be seen that it is unbelievable that there has been no contact for such a long time.

After another twenty or ten minutes, the phone in the corner rang.Unbelievably, the moment Ye Xin heard the ringing, Ye Xin had an intuition that it was a call from Shu Lang.He was eagerly waiting for her call, and now he got his wish.

"Hello, hello" was Shu Lang's voice, and Ye Xin couldn't help asking loudly, "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry." Shu Lang only repeated this sentence to express his apology.

"What happened?"

"."

"It's hard to say now, is it?"

"Then."

"I've been worried that something happened to you."

"."

"I want to see you... tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, can you come?"

"it's OK?"

"We will never see each other again."

"what."

"Let's not meet again."

She couldn't make it clear on the phone, but when she paused, she seemed to be sobbing.

"What's the matter? What happened?"

"I feel a little uncomfortable."

"Suddenly felt unwell that day?"

"Dizziness, so just"

"I've been worried. But, are you all right now?"

"."

"I miss you so much, let's meet!"

At this time, a soft sigh came from the microphone: "Let's forget it!"

"..Why can't we meet? Do you hate me?"

"where."

"That's a deal. If we can't meet right away, next Wednesday or weekend."

"I beg you, let's be ordinary friends from now on!"

"Friend." Ye Xin suddenly felt that it was ridiculous. How could a man and a woman who had experienced the joys of love many times become ordinary friends in the future?

"If there is a reason why we can't meet, please explain clearly."

"."

"Why can't we meet? Is someone blocking you? Are you scared?"

"."

"In short, let's meet up first! Otherwise, I will keep calling you."

"No."

"Since you don't want to, you come out. Next Tuesday or Wednesday, whichever?"

"It's too early"

"Saturday, then. Meet at my apartment Saturday afternoon."

"Please meet outside!"

"Okay, just set it outside."

"Saturday, two o'clock, I must come this time."

After receiving Shu Lang's call, Ye Xin felt relieved for the time being.In this way, there is no need to wait for Shu Lang's call anymore, and it seems to be relieved from the irritability of fidgeting.However, he still hasn't figured out the reason why he hasn't been able to meet during this time.The so-called stop meeting and being friends is obviously self-reflection, revealing an attitude of self-control.This series of statements all show that there is a conflict between her and her husband.Probably because of her husband's reprimand and reprimand, she couldn't leave the house, and thus fell into self-remorse and couldn't extricate herself.It seems that something must have happened, which had a great impact on Shu Lang's body and mind.

They have made love and admired each other many times, how can this relationship be broken by a wind.Even if her husband finds out, Shu Lang should still love her, the phone call is proof.Ye Xin is now optimistic about the future.

Into the cafe in the afternoon, it is 10:[-].Shu Lang hasn't arrived yet, but there are still [-] minutes before the appointment.Ye Xin chose the middle seat and sat down facing the door.Ye Xin was drinking coffee, recalling the scene of meeting her brother-in-law in the western restaurant opposite the shop last fall.At that time, my brother-in-law told him calmly that his wife had agreed to a divorce.

He thought about it endlessly, and then looked at his watch, it was already four o'clock.He glanced toward the door, then took the newspaper from the store and read it.He hoped that Shu Lang would show up when he was reading the newspaper.When he felt someone approaching and looked up casually, Shu Lang was standing in front of him with a big smile on his face.He wished for this scene.

From the outside, he looked like he was reading a newspaper, but he was actually staring at the door of the store intently.

Shu Lang hasn't been out for a long time, if he comes in a kimono, he may be 10, [-], [-] minutes late.Besides, there might be traffic jams on Saturday.Ye Xin comforted herself and looked at the newspaper even more pretending to be calm.

After another 10 minutes, it was already 04:30, and Shu Lang was still missing.Ye Xin had been pretending to read the newspaper leisurely just now, but she couldn't calm down until now.He put the newspaper on the table and stared at the door. When he didn't see a figure reflected on the glass door, he craned his neck to look.However, recent people are not like Shu Lang.Every time he felt something was wrong, he smoked restlessly.

Did something go wrong again.
Ye Xin felt unlucky again in her mind, did something urgent happen again, or did she not find this cafe?He had repeatedly told her the location of the store and even given her the phone number.

Maybe a sudden change of mind.
When making an appointment, Shu Lang hesitated.Ye Xin comforted herself and said, "It's all about this, she won't stop coming." Then she lit another cigarette.He planned to smoke slowly, but before he knew it, he was almost out of cigarettes.

A few minutes later, Ye Xin's cell phone rang, and it was the voice of a strange girl: "Dad hit Mom in a fit of rage." The voice on the phone quickly turned into crying.

Gu Wenkai and Wang Yuqian

Gu Wenkai and Wang Yuqian are a young husband and young wife in H City who have been married for 14 years.Half a year ago, she found that he was different from before, often coming home late, and she began to suspect that he also had an extramarital affair, and he might have had it long ago.She had never thought of him as such, but now felt that his excuses like "bowling with friends" were covering up the fact that he enjoyed an affair.These thoughts become more lingering as time goes on.

"The more aggressive I played, the deeper the jealousy and suspicion. Finally, one time, I accused him of promiscuity outside, but he pretended to be nonchalant, leaving early and returning late. For a while, he even added two more per week." Overtime night. I'm going crazy.

(End of this chapter)