Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 32
One day after he came home, I said, "I've been calling you today, but you haven't been in the office all afternoon. Why don't you go bowling again?"Or are you working overtime?I can see that you are messing with women! 'He finally couldn't take it anymore and told me to die.He even fought against my accusation of "extramarital affairs", and denied his extramarital affairs in every possible way. So, I began to search his pockets and work bags when he came home at night and fell asleep. Once, I really found a A cigarette butt stained with lipstick. This is good! I screamed like a banshee who announced the death to him, asked him to confess, called him all kinds of nasty words, and even picked up a plate and threw it at him. Come. Fortunately, he was not injured. My fatigue bombing really worked. He finally admitted that he had an affair when he was in G City, and he has been having affairs since he came back from G City. He said they are nothing. I almost collapsed, Curled up on the couch and cried like a baby for hours. That's it, I didn't eat or drink for a whole day.

After that, I had to make a dozen calls to his office a day.I warned him that private detectives had been hired to follow him (there was no such thing).A few times when he came home at night, I went further and asked him to show me his genitals.Those practices are naive and stupid.The more I pressed, the more strained our relationship became.We quarreled fiercely, and even hurt the child. He is only seven years old, how can he bear the noise of adults all day long!
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The withering process of deeply involved extramarital affairs is usually very different from the previous one.The main cause is the constant conflict within the unfaithful: lust and duty, rebellion and acceptance, fulfillment and obligation.People who have this type of extramarital affairs often find that the happy period of eating and eating is too short. He/she (they) finds that the more he/she opens up to the new love, the more he/she closes himself to the old love; Love, the more it will hurt or reject the new love.The two sides are pulling, and under the emotional confrontation, to solve the distress, we have to make a dilemma between the two relationships.However, making a decision again and again, and again and again thinking that the decision made is not feasible, swinging between two choices: the new love is romantic, passionate, rich, youthful, giving up it is tantamount to giving up the reality of the dream of happiness that lifelong pursuit; the old love is family, relatives , a sense of security, a shared experience, forsaking it is tantamount to giving up the real and personal experience of life.If both parties can't fully understand the difficulty of his/her (us) choice, both parties will dislike him/her (us), then he/she (us) will suddenly become Zhu Bajie looking in the mirror-he is not a human being inside and outside.

The physical and emotional symptoms of the inner struggle are similar to those described earlier during resisting temptation and after the first physical infidelity.Some people who are governed by their conscience cannot sleep under the pull of old love and new love, or suffer from nightmares when they fall asleep.There are also those who are unwilling to eat, or have indigestion after eating.Some develop rashes, migraines, or trouble breathing.Men may not be able to concentrate on work, and women may not be able to concentrate on housework and raising children.The man may fly into a rage, and the woman may cry.Men and women forget birthdays, errands, and bills.In addition, I received a ticket for speeding, frequently quarreled with relatives and friends, and dared to contradict my boss because of a bad mood.Necessary to make compulsive choices and become sad, depressed, depressed, lack of energy, bored and uninterested in everything, some people need medicine for treatment, some need psychotherapy, and a few even need to be hospitalized.

The conflicts arising from the inner psychology began to quickly wear down the extramarital affairs.If one night, the man's mood is ups and downs, the woman may try her best to comfort him and make him happy, but she herself will become anxious, doubt his love, and get tired of him being so indecisive and indecisive between her and his wife. The manly masculinity she thought was gone was gone.

Before the woman shows off with her husband, the extramarital lover will sympathize with her and encourage her, but at the same time doubt whether she will really take action and question whether she loves him as deeply as she says.As a result, neither of them was happy, the former because he was persecuted and the latter because he was rejected.Although the desire for each other is undiminished at the beginning, the one who cannot give so much and the one whose needs cannot be met feel powerless. What they once mocked mercilessly is now their turn.

"Can we continue like this?" The answer is "No", because the situation does not allow it.The impenetrable extramarital defense line that was originally supported by the two has finally reached the critical moment of last stand: it must quickly defeat the marriage, otherwise the defense line will collapse.

However, even at this juncture, one or both parties may still not be able to come up with a strategy for a decisive battle, and they are neither willing to give up their new love nor take the steps to get rid of their old love.They may think they are held back by duty, fidelity, love for their children, a sense of right and wrong, but these factors are often secondary to the deeper and broader levels of satisfaction that marriage provides.Because even if a marriage is unremarkable, it is a mature love that can satisfy a person's deep emotional needs.On the contrary, extramarital affairs are built on a kind of immature love, which is based on fantasy and psychological projection, and there are very few emotional needs that can be satisfied.

Difficulty choosing is not necessarily weakness, but ultimately a vote of no confidence in the affair because, in the brief heat, he or she has inadvertently detected that it is flawed or unhealthy.He or she hasn't had enough time to recognize that the new love is a bad candidate, but he or she at least instinctively feels that their affair is not viable in the long run.A banker in his thirties spoke of the consequences of his own unintentional confession:
"It was very exciting and romantic, exactly what I was dreaming of. But I had a lingering sense of guilt, which gradually ruined all the fun. I thought about her all the time, and imagined marrying her. Yet I can't agree to destroy two families to satisfy myself. My wife is confused and unhappy because of my estrangement. I feel very sad, but there is no better way to solve it. After a while, because of being too honest, Too conscientious, I can no longer hide from her.

The thing is this: We went to play tennis together, and the only vacant court was next door to our good friends Justin and Mrs. Justin, who were already playing.I suddenly said to my wife:

'I can't play. '

She asked me what was wrong, and I said, 'I'll tell you when I get home. '

On the way home, I told her that Mrs. Justin was having a tryst with me, that she was in love with me, and that I was trying to escape her.It's cowardly and dishonest of me to say this, to deny that I love her too, but I can't bear to be so open to my wife.Still, she was petrified by the sudden news.She didn't make any noise, she just asked a lot of questions, and then began to close herself and suffer in silence...

Looking back now, I think I told her that I must have wanted to get rid of that relationship.I must have thought that marrying her would not be happy, so I confessed to my wife in order to make up my mind to stop seeing her.Facing my wife's self-suffering, I feel extremely painful.What especially bothered me was that she never threatened me, but told me repeatedly that if I wanted Mrs. Yifu, she would not stop me, she would let me go, and she and the child would always find a way to live. And she won't turn the kids against me.If she had quarreled with me then, things might have been different.But now, she's so magnanimous, she handles things so neatly, and she's so unhappy.I couldn't bear to leave her. "

More common, though, are people who are held back by inner conflict.This kind of person often can't take the steps to solve the emotional knot.It is also an option that is not good for extramarital affairs.Because stagnation is fatal to an affair: his/her inability to act against the marriage, in the eyes of the extramarital partner, rejects her in favor of the spouse.So lovers' discussions turn into arguments, anger replaces tears, ultimatums and threats of abandonment trump understanding and compassion.Despite the urgency of losing her if he didn't act, he remained stagnant, in other words, chose to lose her.A research scientist in his early forties gave this example:
"I have long since lost interest in my wife, both sexually and psychologically. I am so tired of my boring marriage. Xiaoying is much more lively, imaginative, sexy and beautiful. Honestly, I think she is exactly what I want My wife. However, I can't say to my wife, 'You and I knew the marriage was hopeless, maybe we should talk to a lawyer'. The timing is often not right. However, Even if the timing is right, I will break out in a cold sweat and be too nervous to say a word. Whenever I tell Xiaoying that I haven’t said anything and there is no way to say it, she will show that expression: first embarrassed, and then desperately asking:
What is the reason?you still love herYou do not love me? '

I just lowered my head and told her that I don't love my wife as much as I love her. I have made up my mind to do it, but I can't do it yet.I begged her to give me some time.However, the longer things drag on, the more sour the relationship.Eventually she started warning me that unless I did something, she had to break free.But I still didn't take any action.

One day, she told me that she had quit her job and was going to City Y, where there are many opportunities.I begged her not to go, and she said that if I had a clear discussion with my wife that night, I could call her and tell her, otherwise she would leave on a plane the next day.I said I would go home immediately and explain things clearly.She cried and kissed me goodbye.

Along the way, my resolve was fading bit by bit, and before I got home, I knew I didn't want to do it, and I wouldn't do it.I want to stay married to my nice, boring wife, live with my kids, and go out and get some dental work whenever I can.

She went to Y city.Afterwards, I sent her a telegram saying I would love her forever, but I couldn't keep my word.It was a real goodbye, and I felt terribly painful, but beyond my expectations, I also felt immensely relieved. "

The protagonists in the above stories all unconsciously recognized the impracticality of extramarital affairs, and if they were converted into marriages, they would not be as rewarding as existing marriages.But if the affair is ended while the fantasy is still rosy, he/she may regret it and grow to loathe the spouse.Fortunately, I slowly understand the crux of the problem, consciously compare the old love with the new love, and finally make a decision based on actual value.If the extramarital partner is the wrong choice and the marriage is essentially rewarding, disillusionment with a new love and renewed appreciation for an old love can occur simultaneously.Self-interest and conscience work hand in hand to make the extramarital affairs go to the road of no return.

Zhuang Kaisu and Zhang Li
For a while, Zhuang Kaisu repressed his inner urge to move, but as the extramarital affair gradually became an obsession and seriously invaded his marriage and family life, he could no longer avoid his inner conflict.

"As the days go by, I can see that I am becoming less and less a husband and father. I try not to think about it because being with Zhang Li is so exciting, but deep down I feel that it is Big mistake. It’s not that there is any trouble at home. Except for the time when Li Jia and Zhang Li went to Xinjiang, Liping (wife’s name) never showed suspicion. She knew something was wrong, but she thought I There are business difficulties. She is so sympathetic and trusting that I feel sorry for her. As for our sex life, I have always reserved it, but we still have it once or twice a week. Sometimes, Zhang Li and I fight and don't see each other and I'll go home and when the kids are in bed Liping will get me a glass of wine and sit down and chat with me before we eat and that's when I really want to knock myself on the head , say to yourself:

'You, you, for that kind of rotten woman, you are willing to take the risk of destroying your marriage with such a good woman. '

I understand this truth, but understanding does not help. "

Having known Zhang Li for about a year, Zhuang Kaisu began to fantasize about marrying her.She became more and more demanding, because of money or because of her not going to work, or because of her flirting with other men, he did not know how many times he quarreled with her, and after the quarrel was over, they would hug again.He felt that if she got married, she might not be so frivolous and demanding, and the friction between them would disappear.

"I know she's troublesome, I know she's a mess, but I want her, and every time we're peaceful and happy for a while, I want to believe that we can be peaceful and happy forever."

After she lost money on the stock 'Shanghai Pharmaceuticals', we had another big fight over money, and we didn't talk for a few days. Afterwards, we made up again with tearful eyes and sensual lust, expressed by Zhang Li There is only one condition for the solution, and that is that I must marry her.

"I was in a good mood, so I confessed to her for a while that I had the same idea. She looked so ecstatic. I know my friends would think that marrying her would be ridiculous and wrong, and say I'm going to regret it sooner or later. But what can I do! It's like I'm living in a dream.

On the day of my appointment with the divorce lawyer, I stared at the "family carnival" picture of our family of three taken at the Christmas car show on my desk for a long time, and then called the lawyer to cancel the meeting.Immediately, I said to myself again:

'Compared with the love between me and Zhang Li, what are my wife, children, and property business?How can these things be as happy as being with this girl? '

I'd pick Liping's faults and exaggerate them as much as I could to give some subconscious in my head a foothold.But it's not easy.Sometimes I did pick out some small problems, for example, that winter she always pestered me to take her to listen to the performance of the National Symphony Orchestra.I don't want to go because I think the symphony is too boring.In the end, the two really quarreled over this matter. "

Throughout the spring and summer, the relationship between Zhuang Kaisu and Zhang Li fluctuated. They were either closer and loving than before, or they quarreled endlessly, avoiding each other for several days in a row.One night in June, when Zhang Li and him walked for a week after a quarrel, Liping fell and hurt her spine, and she was bedridden, with Zhuang Kaisu taking care of her.Sitting on the hospital bed, he and she relive the good times of college, feeling endless love and regret.He secretly vowed to make up for her in the future.

"When the doctor removed her cast and we got home, it was sunny and green outside. I looked around and asked myself:
'How can a man be happy?Who wants anything else? '

In this way, I feel that the matter with Zhang Li is completely over, completely over. "

Zhuang Kaisu put more effort into his work again, coupled with a considerable degree of deliberate care for his family, he felt that the gap in this extramarital affair was convenient to him, and he even accepted it readily.

The topic of marriage only came up once in a passionate episode in August: Zhang Li brought it up at the time, but this time Zhuang Kaisu felt quite uncomfortable and annoyed, and he talked about him quite openly, switching the topic.Zhang Li scolded him for being stupid, stood up excitedly, knocked over the coffee, and ran out of the living room.Zhuang Kaisu rushed out to chase her, and only after running for half a street in the hot August day did he catch up with her, panting and begging her not to end the relationship like this, after all, they had loved each other deeply.

She relented, and the two walked into a bar, holding hands, as if they were afraid the other would get away.The final conclusion has not changed, but this time it is calm and sentimental.Then she asked him if he could lend her 2000 yuan as a favor to cover her position in stocks.Zhuang Kaisu was suddenly disgusted, and he clearly expressed his feelings.She shook her head away again.This time he had enough leisure, paid the bill, and called a taxi back to the office.On the way, he said to himself what he had said repeatedly for the past few months: it was over.

Indeed, this time it is over.

(End of this chapter)