Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 44
This self-administered therapy made her feel like a happy person and made her marriage happier than those of traditional friends.Of course, there are many variations on this theme.Like this woman, some people's affairs are intermittent, while others are almost constant throughout the year.Most are loyal to their extramarital partners, but some also occasionally flirt with other couples at the same time.In many of the cases we investigated, marriages were calm but extramarital affairs were hot.But in other cases the opposite is true.Some people keep their spouses in the dark for the rest of their lives, while others engage in affairs with the spouse's tacit or even open permission.

Han Qijian and Wei Yan
That's what Han Qijian's extramarital affair meant to him.After marriage, his affairs continued almost continuously.He handles extramarital affairs cautiously, unwilling to allow extramarital affairs to compete with his marriage, but he also does not want marriage to overly encroach on his extramarital affairs.However, during the extramarital affair with Wei Yan, the depth of his involvement in it far exceeded that of other women.Even so, he thought it unlikely that it would have had any serious impact on the marriage.When dealing with patients, Dr. Han is considerate, sensitive and sensitive, but for the women in his life, he pays more attention to maintaining his own comfort and avoids their feelings.For example, he once said this about his wife of 17 years:

"Sometimes, staying outside with Wei Yan for several nights in a row, I would think about the children, and my wife would think very little. This sounds almost cruel, but I don't think so. Although she is not close to me, But it's very harmonious. She doesn't look unhappy, it's a fact of our marriage. Now, she probably knows what I'm playing, and she's just careful not to mention it for fear of getting into trouble."

He is too satisfied with Wei Yan's extramarital affair, which is why he is reluctant to give up:
"A while back I did try to let go of the affair to take some of the responsibility off of me. But I've stopped trying now. The relationship was too good and meant a lot to me. I'm worried about the consequences of her being so committed , but I don't want to give her up. I'm even thinking about having her as my office assistant, she'd be happy to do it, and I really like having her around me. But that would bring her closer to me, and maybe Both are mistakes. This extramarital affair is the longest and most important period in my life experience, but if Wei Yan is really interested in another man and considers marrying him, I will withdraw gracefully. I will never divorce my wife for her."

Wei Yan knew what Dr. Han was thinking. She had done a lot of rational analysis of her situation:
"The more men I know, the more I realize that only Qi Jian is the best for me. Although the situation is not as good as it was at the beginning, but asking too much will lose everything. It took me a while to see me and Dr. Han in the light I have now. It was after a quarrel with Qijian half a year ago that I suddenly realized that asking too much is destroying the existing beauty. So I adopted a new strategy and decided to enjoy the existing one, because I Not sure I'd find something this good in another man. Since then, we've had a much better, more stable relationship. We both know it's not ideal, but neither of us seem to be able to compare without the other. It's better now. I don't have his wife's social status and financial security, but I have a better part of him. If one day, I stop thinking about meeting him, it's because I met someone stronger and better Man. As for him, if I did meet another man and break up with him, he would miss me so much that he would find someone to replace the vacuum of missing me."

The aftermath of an emotionally strong but poorly grounded relationship, the kind of rebellious affair I described in the previous chapter, is another matter entirely.Some people end the affair with their original fantasies largely intact, or simply with a sense that the person they chose wasn't right for them.Even if they are deeply traumatized, they will struggle bravely, continue to search, fall in love with the same ideal again and again, and project the same ideal on possible objects again and again.They experience intense joy and equally intense despair each time, but never give up until age forces them out of the arena, or some other influence moderates their need.

An enthusiastic young woman longing for marriage ends up having her first affair with a fiery but unsuccessful college lecturer.It was this extramarital affair that filled her life with brilliant emotion and meaning.But what this university teacher needs is a sense of accomplishment from constantly trying new things, and he soon loses interest in this romance; his feelings for her drift away, leaving her to chew on loneliness and emptiness.

Since then, she's been on the lookout for other imaginative, unconventional but also not successful men, with whom she's had a string of affairs.Reflecting on this experience over three years, she writes:

"I believe they are all my father, and I am looking for someone like him to escape from my monotonous married life. My marriage is a refuge from the life I lived with my father. There is a world of difference, my husband is a brave and charming actor and a life loser who disappoints me to death. I've loved all my life with the kind of people who despaired of life and each time it brought me a period of time Joy, and then a sad end. But I will not give up my fairy tale, because I cannot live without it."

Still others, more disillusioned and traumatized, become wary of avoiding this type of affair, limiting themselves to frivolous games.This type of affair seems to be most likely to occur especially when the unfaithful person already understands that he needs marriage deeply, but still wants what it has not given.He/she may miss the youthful passion and freedom he/she experienced in extramarital affairs, but he/she is unwilling to risk the emotional torture it brings, so he/she seeks a superficial affair and chooses that it is impossible for him/her to produce love. object of passion.Although every episode makes him/her briefly excited, but he/she never feels the sense of rebirth.

Hu Jialuo's situation can roughly exemplify this point.

Hu Jialu

It had been more than a year since he had last seen Julie and thought he was completely free of her, but he was not what he had been before they met: he praised his wife and felt that something important was missing from the marriage; Take an open mind about extramarital affairs and find what is lacking in your marriage in extramarital affairs.With his big belly, fair and fleshy face, and thinning hair, he is really not a typical romantic man, but the soul of a romantic man lives in his heart.It made him often mourn the days gone by.

"Since Julie left, my family life has improved a lot. I appreciate my wife's strengths more than before, and I spend more time with her and my children at home. I realize how important she is to me. She What a kind and caring woman. But it's still the same. Wife is much happier these days, and I'm not. I'm content but not happy, not as happy as I was when I was with Julie. However, I know shark fin and You can't have both. An affair eats up your time, destroys you with wild emotions that you can't control, causes you to make poor decisions, ruins your career, and destroys your family life.

The things I used to do were insane!Playing tennis, learning to drive, quarreling, drinking, having sex, lying, taking risks... in short, I would do anything for her.However, she wasn't good: life was a mess, it wasn't for me at all, and even sex wasn't great.However, she made my heart beat faster, caused a physical and chemical reaction inside me, and made me unable to control myself, not at all like a corporate president.I took the coat home and told my wife it was from an investor who owed me a favor.It was given to me by Julie a year ago, but now when I look through the closet and see it, I still sometimes feel sad and tear up my eyes.Occasionally I'll wear it, and sit in the living room in it, knowing where it came from, with a bitter pleasure in the thought of how much I loved that girl.She's a nobody, but she's the one who changed my perspective on life.Today, I would not do for any woman what I did for Julie, except my wife.

Recently, I've been flirting with women outside and having sex with them.In my mind, they are nothing.What have these affairs given me?Not at all with Julie.But why should I be involved in the whirlpool of an affair?In order to get back the feeling of youth?To escape boredom in marriage?I really can't figure it out.My wife is really nice, why not satisfied?She loves me, and I love her, and our relationship is very good, very comfortable.I pursue women I don't care about.In fact, a man like me who has everything should be happy, but I'm not, to be honest.I really don't understand why. "

a new life

The most romantic ending to an extramarital affair is the marriage of the divorced couple.Not only is it romantic, in the eyes of others, extramarital affairs are rationalized with the couple's marriage.If the original marriage was unhappy, and they found happiness in each other, and transformed unrequited love into a recognized union, all but the most reserved people would forgive them.In this way, the dilemma was resolved, and the society accepted this forbidden but idealized love, although it inevitably caused intermittent objections.

Divorce and remarriage is the last mode pursued by many unfaithful people.But in fact, this situation is very rare.Only about one in [-] infidelities we interviewed were or were about to marry their extramarital partners.Indeed, one-third of the respondents' divorces were the direct result of an extramarital affair, but only some of this third was for marrying an extramarital partner.Even among those who divorced to marry an extramarital partner, only half of those who planned to marry did so.

There are many reasons for the high rate of non-marriage, two of which may have to be mentioned:

For one, divorce changes many of the conditions that would otherwise allow extramarital affairs to flourish.Divorce has begun to introduce new pressures into the behavior and process of extramarital affairs just as the old pressures have cleared away, exposing previously intimate couples to each other's eyes more fully than ever before.A man saw her lover's children for the first time after she divorced her husband, only to find them irritating and repulsive to him.Although he had already decided to marry her, he hesitated thinking of facing her two "angry and hateful" children for a long time in the future.She sensed his doubts, felt that he had failed him.For the first time ever, a crack appeared in their relationship, and the two began to doubt whether their choice was the best.The original remarriage was stillborn!
A man and a woman who seemed to have an ideal relationship wanted to get married, but the circumstances caused the woman to delay her divorce for nearly two years before realizing her wish for divorce;They are finally free!However, when her lawyer lover meets her parents for the first time, she finds herself completely out of touch with her authoritarian judge father.The lawyer discovers to his dismay that his mistress's admiration of her father is a sideshow; for the first time she perceives his reluctance.Their love affair lasted like a beast for a while, and finally ended with her meeting another man who was even more attractive than him.

Second, even if there are no intractable disturbances like the ones mentioned above, sometimes the freedom after divorce after a long and protracted struggle changes the original emotional balance. A sad story.A man who suddenly became unhappy expressed his inner feelings:
"I've been living with her since my divorce. It's a convenient and comfortable arrangement, and she's just as lovely as ever, but something's different. It took me years to get out of the marriage, and now that I'm free, I'm very worried about putting myself Confined like a cocoon again. I already feel too constrained. For example, she wants me to have dinner with her every night, which bothers me. Not all because I want to pursue other women, it is only part of the reason, The main thing is sometimes I want to be alone, or sit in a bar and talk to my friends. She's getting impatient with me, nervous, and angry, which makes me angry too."

What about going back and looking at those marriages that resulted from extramarital affairs?Have the couples who got married for a long time "after the Anti-Japanese War" lived happily ever after?Or prove the myth false?The answer is both.Although the available evidence is patchy and scanty, it seems that about half are happy and the other half fail, a failure rate that is slightly higher than the average second-degree marriage failure rate.

The impropriety of such marriages arose out of doomed doom.In a large number of cases, it seems that the new marriage and the old marriage have an incessant and chaotic relationship. It is this subtle relationship that is unclear and unclear, which lays a dangerous foreshadowing for the failure of the remarriage in the future.For example, one or both partners may suffer chronically from guilt and moral abnormalities for abandoning their spouse.The intense guilt felt by the individual leads him or her to develop a corrosive loathing for the newlywed lover.

(End of this chapter)