Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 45
In addition, as time goes by, some remarriages lose the purity and sweetness of the extramarital affairs, and the remarriages are more "polluted" by the original marriage, such as the burden of child support, the ex-wife/husband's constant troubles disturbing the remarriage, Embarrassment and resentment when getting along with non-biological children, remarriage without the approval of relatives and friends for a long time, and so on.Other needs that have been unsatisfied for a long time in the old marriage are still unsatisfied in the new marriage.

In conclusion, many problems remain hidden, or at least manageable, during an affair.However, when it is transformed into marriage, it may manifest deadly power in various ways.

Such issues inherent in Zhou Fengjie and Yangzi's personalities and relationship determine the ultimate fate of their marriage.In a letter to a close friend, she gave an unabashed account of the short and unfortunate course of the marriage.This letter was sent from City S:
dear love:

I have a bad conscience because I haven't written or called to tell you what happened between us and how it got so bad.Your letter went around in a big circle and finally got to me. The letter said that you finally heard about me, and your tone was full of sincerity.I have been wanting to answer many of the questions you mentioned in your letter, but it is difficult to put pen to paper.This reply letter, which requires courage to write, took me a whole week to complete. During this period, I picked up the pen and put it down a dozen times. It is also the product of countless doodlings and sleepless nights.Thank you for making me resolve to complete this letter, which has been of great help to me.

Where to start?I can't find a suitable answer to your query.I have never encountered so many unresolved issues in my life, but I have never met a person like Zhou Fengjie who has the ability to close himself and tightly close his feelings.He was so open and affectionate when we were a couple, but he was so closed off during the last few months of our marriage, sealing his feelings bit by bit, love and hate, until In the end he seemed to have no feeling, only let me see that he was escaping.

Our marriage got off to a good start, although, as you know, there was a lot of turmoil before the marriage.In the beginning, the only confusion was with his children.He has made a deal with his ex-wife, Lynn, to have the kids with us most weekends, that is, from Friday night to Sunday night, he will be the perfect father, giving them unbroken love and attention. relieve his guilt.And during this period of every weekend, I became a background: he almost forgot my existence when he had a child, and he had no intention of letting me join them.Can you see what a weekend I had!As long as I say something, he seems to feel that I am competing with the child and obstructing his parents and children.We had two or three big fights over this matter, and then I stopped fighting because I knew I couldn't win.

I didn't tell anyone, I'm ashamed to say so.But my emotions seeped into my remarried life, and I started venting my anger and saying harsh things; he responded with petulance and exasperation;For the first time, I suspected that he complained about his wife's refusal to give him love.

But generally speaking, our relationship is pretty good, sometimes even as good as the beginning.Today, I really can't understand why our sex life has changed.We had great sex when we first fell in love and it lasted for about a year.After he got divorced and moved in with me, the sex life became a little weaker, but I thought it was just a normal return to a smooth phenomenon.However, after we got married, the frequency and enthusiasm of our sex life decreased significantly. After the children's problems and his ex-wife moved to the peak, our sex life became only once a week.I don't mean that he rejected me explicitly.But he was always working late, or exhausted from playing with the kids all day, or when we were alone at home, he was often so drunk that he fell asleep when he went to bed.He even brought home some marijuana from nowhere, saying it would help his writing but not his libido.In short, he has a lot of excuses.

We used to be able to talk very well, but then even the chat became as dry as the sex life.If there was any disagreement between the two of us, he would put on that closed face, and I would react violently with a loud voice.The colder he is, the angrier I get; the more I want to communicate with him, the more closed he is.In the end, he said that I was so argumentative that I killed his sexual ability.I told him that he was just pretending to want a woman who was actually responsive and alive, when in fact he wanted an obedient, passive housewife who baked bread at home.

Then one night, he casually mentioned that he was considering getting a job where the children lived, so as to be closer to them.I fell silent. City S is where I work and where I have lived all my adult life. City P is the place where his ex-wife and children moved. It is thousands of kilometers away from City S, so of course it doesn't appeal to me.And he didn't even ask me how I felt about the move.But when I started asking and asking some questions, he said it was just an idea and he would tell me when he figured it out.He saw a psychiatrist once or twice during that time, and I thought he might be discussing this with the doctor, so I didn't say anything more.

However, a month later, when he casually told me the news of his departure while drinking, I was not mentally prepared.He said that a foundation in P City had asked him to be the director of public relations, which was less than half an hour's drive from where his ex-wife and children lived.I exclaimed: "What about me? What about my work and my will?" Within 3 minutes, the two had a quarrel.At this time, he said with that expression of pursed lips: "Why don't I tell you, I've made a decision. I'll give the advertising company a one-month notice of resignation. The foundation wants me to leave in February. I I believe you will find a job, the weather is good, and you may even like the life there. In short, I'm going. You can go with it or not, it's up to you."

I was so angry that I asked him why he made his own decision without consulting me?Could it be that I have no weight in his mind.He said nothing, thought for a while and said, "You have some weight in my heart, but not everything. My peace of mind is more important, and my children's happiness is also very important." I said many words in response to his words ; he said as little as possible.The two kept arguing, kept arguing, and finally got tired before Ming Jin withdrew.We didn't have dinner at all that night; neither of us had an appetite.

We talked a few more times over the next few weeks, but mostly avoided each other.Once, I told him clearly that I would not give up my job and go to P City under such circumstances.

We had another quarrel two weeks before he left.The quarrel was so terrible that he moved to live in the company.He only came back once before leaving, to pack his clothes.I wanted to talk about the two of us, to see if there was a glimmer of hope, if we could find a way out, but he kept the conversation away from that.So, I held back my tears and forced myself to be calm.I said a very cheerful "goodbye" as he left (I felt like a clown because I don't usually say that) and leaned over to give him a good-bye kiss.

He left, and I sat there for a long time like a dead man.That was early February.Over the next month, we exchanged several letters and phone calls.Even Zhou Fengjie had painful moments. Sometimes he couldn't deny the sorrow and longing in his heart, and tried to turn around, but in the end there was no result.

The kind U Thant (my ex-husband) wanted to help me.I think he even thought I might be overturned.But I decided to get out of there, away from everything.I have a few good connections in City B, and I write to them.Finally an advertising agency offered me a job because I was good at publishing, and I accepted right away.In April, I came there, found a one-story apartment, and started working.

I learned that private therapy was starting to take off here, so I decided to give it a shot and see if I could find out what I was doing wrong.I have been here less than half a year, and I have only received treatment for four months, but I have learned a lot and I am coming out of the haze.I started dating two months ago, and lately I even feel like I can spend a good night with a guy.

I heard from others that Fengjie has a stable job and often gets along with his children and his ex-wife, but he still drinks too much when he is depressed, which shows his depression.

We had a great growing love that was eroded by old unresolved issues we each carried.I often imagine that if he can manage to untie his knot like me, will I have to try again with him one day?

How are you doing?Nian Nian, please tell me one or two.

Sheep
Although the story of Zhou Fengjie and Yangzi had an unsatisfactory ending, about half of the extramarital affairs eventually became examples of successful marriages, some of which were surprisingly successful.If the character is strong and durable, and can overcome the many obstacles in the marriage after the affair, the wishes and expectations of a couple may be fulfilled in the absence of serious psychological disorders.Their love lost some of the concentration and intensity after marriage that it had during the affair, but they knew that was the way it was.However, they were also pleasantly surprised to find that some deeper and fulfilling forces exceeded their expectations and supported the success of their marriage after extramarital affairs, such as freedom from restraint and conflict; a sense of security for each other; social acceptance; and inner peace.They're finally able to experience, without barriers, the shallow emotions they dabbled in during the affair.Below is an example:
"A banker's wife was out of town visiting friends in order to escape her dying marriage. At a dinner party, she sat next to a dark, sarcastic, older man, an art dealer and orator, who came to Here for the next day's speech. Both knew the other was married, and both knew that for the evening they were far away from the spouse they no longer loved. There was a natural attraction between them (she was interested in his line of work. knew almost nothing, and was a little less knowledgeable than he was). That night, they had sex in their hotel room. Goodbye at five in the morning, without tears or promises. However, after a few weeks One day, when he was running errands near her house, he found her and they met again. After meeting four times like this, they fell in love with each other.

Later, she and her husband divorced; the art dealer took her on a business trip.During the journey, they went shopping, ate, and bathed together, and gradually had a deeper understanding of each other's background, hobbies, habits, etc.She moved to be closer to him, and the two began meeting briefly and secretly at her apartment several times a week.Despite the constraints of meeting, she became the one to whom all his thoughts and feelings could be poured out; she gave him the love and encouragement he needed, and listened readily to his descriptions of the sale of new paintings.In the middle of the night, after his wife was asleep, he called to read the newly drafted speech to her.He took her with him to speak abroad, thinking that his performance would be much better with her in the audience.She was deeply in love and couldn't extricate herself; but he was extremely afraid that the divorce would cause his wife's overreaction, and the relationship seemed much darker than before.Just when the relationship was about to end sadly, he made up his mind to file for a divorce with his wife.After weeks of hard work, he finally moved out of the house.In the next six months, he fought fiercely over the divorce conditions.He dared not let her go to his place, or stay in her apartment for long, and never spent the night with her for fear of being watched by a private eye.

On the day he received the divorce agreement, he packed up and moved to her tidy little apartment. "We loved each other so much for the first three years, but since he moved in, it's gotten better. Waking up in the morning with him always by my side is a feeling I've never had before, far better than I'd hoped for .Every day he goes out to the gallery, I look forward to him coming back to me. That strong and beautiful feeling is beyond my expectations. He takes me to parties, introduces me to his friends, and for the first time I feel like he admits Me. And this is important to me.

Half a year later we got married and things changed again for the better.Before, it was always "he and me" emotionally, but now it is "us".When he introduced me to friends, he didn't see me as a girl in his arms, but as his alter ego.No more tests, no observations, no measurements.If he's talking to a woman at a party, I never wonder if he likes her more than I do; and if I know a guy, I never wonder if he's a better candidate.Now we are very close.We see each other every day, but I always like to hear his voice calling me during the day.If I go downtown and stop by the gallery, he's always amazed and becomes overjoyed.We often open our mouths to discuss the same topic, as if we have a heart-to-heart connection.Whatever experiences he has during the day, he shares with me at night; and so do I.At home, if I'm cooking, he likes to come and chat with me in the kitchen.I soak in the bathtub, and he likes to shave at this time, so he can be with me.

The blemish in our remarried life is that his sons don't seem to like me.This is not surprising.But over the past year, they've been with us a lot, and they're much more comfortable with me now, and they're starting to like me.Maybe not just like it.His youngest son, just seven, said last month that he considered me his "second mother" rather than a stepmother.Eldest son, ten years old, asked us last week if we wanted to have a baby because he wanted a little sister.We said not necessarily, and he said solemnly: "Well, you should have children, because you are so happy together, it must be very happy to be your children."We hugged him, speechless.

(End of this chapter)