Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 47 Conclusion: Something to say (2)
Secondly, it is more objective whether extramarital affairs and social stability are no longer regarded as negatively correlated, and gradually regarded as "personal private affairs".People are limited by the traditional concept of "the same structure of the family and the country" and the saying that "the family is the cell of society, and the stability of the family is related to the stability of the society". They often associate the divorce rate with social stability, and regard extramarital affairs as divorce. Therefore, it is concluded that the more extramarital affairs, the higher the divorce rate and the more unstable the society.Thus advocated curbing and sanctioning extramarital affairs.At that time, many people voluntarily acted as "detective members" to spy on other people's private affairs, probably out of this "sense of responsibility".In fact, this negative correlation is a fictitious causal relationship. None of the social unrest in our country was due to the rise in the divorce rate.Judging from the situation of countries in the world, countries with high divorce rates are not necessarily socially unstable, such as European and American countries; countries with low divorce rates are not necessarily socially stable, such as Africa and Arab countries.In contrast, employment status and population quality are more important and direct factors for social stability.Therefore, in recent years, people no longer regard extramarital affairs as so important, but gradually regard it as a personal matter.This is one of the reasons why people gradually tolerate extramarital affairs.

Third, fully understand and acknowledge people's instinct of "loving the new and loathing the old".Any healthy person always pursues and longs for good things. Only with "pursuit" can a person make progress!Just imagine a person with a broken marriage, once he finds a "confidant", won't he have an affair? !From an aesthetic point of view, which man does not love beautiful women; which woman does not like talented men!Once a person married in an underdeveloped and narrow area enters an open metropolis, his emotions can easily change. For example, after the victory of the revolution in 1949, after entering the city, many Communist Party cadres divorced their original wives and found new love. What "love" likes to capture most is freshness, and "freshness" has a devilish temptation for love.

"Power", "money", "achievement" are sex hormones.Once a person's status changes; or becomes a wealthy person; or achieves success, his ideology will change!Emotions belong to the realm of thought and of course change.In history, from the emperor, the president, down to the county magistrates, they have given a clear answer.According to the statistics of relevant state departments, 98% of the punished corrupt officials had lovers.So how many officials are there who have not broken the law? !God only knows!
Fourth, rationally reflect on marital issues, no longer blindly condemn the other party for "moral corruption", but objectively and comprehensively analyze.In the past, as long as someone heard of an extramarital affair, they would regard it as moral corruption without analysis, exert social pressure on them, and condemn them morally, while their spouses became victims and objects of sympathy, which contributed to the Its aggrieved psychology.In the one-sided public opinion, if you forgive the other party, people will not understand, and feel that how can you live with the "bad person" again, and you will live up to everyone's sympathy, which makes the parties "difficult to get off the tiger" and often have to divorce.

Nowadays, when people encounter extramarital affairs, they can calm down first, reflect on and admit the problems in marriage, and conduct an objective and comprehensive analysis. They not only criticize the mistakes of empaths, but also reflect on their own shortcomings, and think about the necessity and importance of improving the quality of marriage. Possibly, to save the marriage.No longer analyzing complex issues in a simple and straight-line way, this is indeed the improvement of people's understanding and the progress of their way of thinking.From a sociological point of view, a truly perfect relationship between husband and wife is that there must be enduring intimacy between husband and wife, continuous adjustment, and a high degree of independence and freedom. It has laid the solid foundation for the modern family.However, the overall quality of marriage and family in China is not high, especially the quality of sex life within marriage.

There is no friction between the two when they get married. With the changes in cultural quality, age, and physical health, if the two parties do not adjust, one of them will get bored with the other and the relationship will break down.Now many people have realized the truth: "It is easy to get along, but it is difficult to love each other".With the progress of society, people began to pursue the quality of life.Society is progressing, and people are putting forward new requirements for the quality of marriage. "Sex" is on the decline as a means of procreation and on the rise as a means of pleasure.People have acquiesced that "a marriage without love is an immoral marriage". The most telling thing is that the divorce rate in urban areas is higher than that in rural areas; that in developed areas is higher than in poor areas.The divorce rate in my country is increasing year by year.Most of these divorces occur between the ages of 30 and 40. It is worth noting that people who married in the 50s, although they are all in their 60s, still have a few people who have abandoned the old "maintenance club". The concept of divorce appeared.

Finally, a dilemma.There are many ways for marriage parties in our country to solve the dilemma of marriage and extramarital affairs, and each method has its own advantages and disadvantages: some people think it is the only correct or wise choice, while others think it is the only right or wise choice. Just the opposite.Those who choose to remain faithful have different costs and rewards.Even though some people are very dissatisfied with their married life, they refuse divorce and infidelity due to social, moral, and even religious reasons, and resign themselves to the concept of "single life".They have a serious lack of confidence in their self-identity in marriage, and passively accept that frustration and unhappiness in marriage are doomed; they suppress their passions and rely on fantasy and fiction to satisfy them.On the other hand, people who do this also get some benefits of choosing to conform to their conscience and getting relief from inner anxiety.

Although some people also suffer from needs and dissatisfaction, they have adopted a more active approach, which is to forcibly transform the vacant and unused erotic energy into work, study, or focusing on managing the family.This kind of choice will inevitably leave a feeling of depressing emotions, and it is often accompanied by unbearable loneliness and helplessness after selfless work and study, but the benefits are also obvious: in their view, unethical love and sexual pleasure are not Allowable, undivided work, study or doing public welfare undertakings not only bring a sense of accomplishment to individuals, but more importantly, they are generally recognized and respected by social ethics.

Those who can find happiness and fulfillment in marriage and have few unmet needs are undoubtedly the lucky ones when this "third wave of divorce" hits our society.Even though the passage of time makes them yearn for newness and change, this desire in body and mind is always quite weak.Birds of a feather flock together.An increasing number of Chinese men and women choose the other end of the dilemma. They begin to deviate from the generally accepted marriage norms in society, that is, remarry after divorce. Sociologists sometimes call this special adjustment play "subsequent polygamy". , It was also called "follow-up infidelity".

The solution to the dilemma of choice cannot be adapted to the specific and special situation of each individual.Due to the rapid changes of times and cultures, it is obviously too simple and biased to use marriage or extramarital affairs as the criterion of "right" and "wrong".More importantly, our country is now in an era of openness and global integration, and the "Western demonstration effect" is also affecting Chinese people to a large extent. Traditional views on love, marriage, sex, and extramarital affairs have all emerged. a very profound transformation.This transmutation is further interpreted as that what the previous generation considered unquestionable norms may not necessarily be true for the next generation.Due to the similarities and differences in the personality structure cast by the contemporary family system, it is inevitable that they cannot form "one mold" psychologically.Diversity has become the general rule of the times, and a single norm may lead to greater misfortune.

As a result, many people quietly step over the barriers of behavioral norms that they have bought into all their lives.In 20, when the first "Kinsey Sexology Report" in the United States was released, revealing a large number of unknown facts about emotional infidelity, the entire United States was shocked.In [-], VANCE PACKARD's investigation report "THE SEXUAL WILDERNESS" (THE SEXUAL WILDERNESS) pointed out more facts about extramarital sex, people have already become accustomed to it, Because the [-]-year period from [-] to [-] began to fission in a single norm, many sexual forms and emotional behaviors that were not traditionally accepted became less deviant, less secret, and less socially regarded. As a scourge, American society presents an unprecedented variety of choices.

In recent years, this trend of diversified choices is under the "Western demonstration effect" and is engulfing my country's "third wave of divorce". Although it is worrying, it is a trend that no one can stop or deny tendencies, because the soundest sexual ethic is likely to be one of diversity, a mature and emotionally healthy individual who considers the needs of himself, his spouse, and his children and what his/her behavior may bring to all those associated with him/her. The choice made after the influence of the society may be more suitable for him/her than the choice made by the society for him/her.

Perhaps the most salutary change in sexual attitudes that can occur is one that involves a more open and widespread acknowledgment that our emotional and sexual needs are diverse and a greater tolerance for the idiosyncratic ways in which we satisfy these needs.The latest survey results show that in 000, the People's Court of Dongcheng District, Beijing accepted a total of 1321 divorce cases, and the plaintiffs were women, accounting for [-]%. It is personality incompatibility. According to relevant experts, another meaning of personality incompatibility is often that one of the men and women has an extramarital affair. This reason is hidden when the woman proposes a divorce. It is very rare for the woman to insist on divorce because she has a lover. , Most of the men have an affair.The survey also shows that [-]% are willing to sponsor their ex-husbands or ex-wives, [-]% are tolerant of extramarital affairs, and [-]% believe that "style issues" are privacy.All of this shows that modern Chinese people have adopted an increasingly open attitude towards marriage.

Whether this greater inclusion of diversity will continue in our country is anyone's guess, but at least that's the case for now.What about the future?The answer is, very likely.This forecast is a deduction of the future trend of the current situation.The author of this book is not posting obituaries for marriages and announcing the arrival of an era of sexual freedom.Although the content and style of marriage are changing, marriage itself can be said to be more popular than ever.Even the divorce rate, which is higher than ever before and is climbing toward unknown heights, does not in any way suggest that people have turned their backs on marriage; what they disapprove of is unsatisfying marriages.In our survey, nearly six out of seven divorcees remarried. This fact also shows that the importance of love is not inferior to that of the past.

Nor does our investigation of the fact that extramarital affairs have increased suggest that marriage is dying.In fact, extramarital affairs still do not solve the problem of "unsatisfied" human needs better than marriage itself.Because it has too much negative effect on the family and society, it often leads to social chaos and interpersonal conflicts, triggering the backlash of public opinion.

Today's new generation in our country is our next generation.While the flood of written and visual culture is having an unprecedented impact on their future views and behaviors about marriage, what we know reliably about them suggests that the future of sexuality is unlikely to change fundamentally.The only really notable change is their attitude.

Compared with the previous generation or two, today's new generation is less mysterious and ashamed about sex. They are happy with the situation and do not regard sex as the focus of major problems and anxieties. They tolerate people's sexual behavior and respect other people's behavior. Much more lenient than yourself.Large numbers of men and women continue to seek the intimacy and comfort of a committed monogamous relationship for psychological and social reasons.However, based on the further opening up of our society and the spread of the "Western demonstration effect", the new generation will increasingly feel that there should be more freedom to end the relationship through divorce under the premise of marriage failure, or seek trial marriage to live alone, Cohabitation, extramarital affairs, and other newer ways to expand your life beyond marriage.

(End of this chapter)