Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 5 Definition of Extramarital Affairs (5)
At the age of 22, he met Bai Bing in a class on social issues.Bai Bing is the kind of iceberg beauty who is charming at a glance, and seems to turn a blind eye to the men around him, especially the unattractive people like Ishikawa.In fact, Bai Bing is a shy and lonely girl, although she seems to despise the warm-hearted Ishikawa at first.After a while, however, she found he was impressed by his sharp mind.So she began to boldly pursue him.As a result, she married him two years later.Ishikawa explained:
"I wouldn't say we were ever in love. We dated for a long time and we felt happy and we got married. It wasn't some kind of love that fell apart, it was like a natural thing."

As in the case of love, the marriage was easy and comfortable, and neither party complained, or at least never said it.In just a few years, especially after they moved to P City, Ishikawa's financial resources increased greatly. Although he bargained hard in business and was stingy with his hands, he was quite generous at home.As for Bai Bing, she has good taste and imagination, and can make good use of his money and give him a decent life.With two kids, a wonderful family, he focuses on his career, she cares about family.Their married life is comfortable, and the married years are like leaves drifting slowly on the trickling stream.

A few months ago, they had gone to a stage play in which the characters were deeply in love, and he felt vaguely uncomfortable because they had never felt that way.Occasionally, he also wanted to grab Bai Bing and hug her warmly, but it seemed funny to do so, and she would probably laugh too, and then gently patted his cheek and asked him "what's the matter".

His real estate business brought him into frequent contact with a group of investors and developers from S City.This group of 6 people have known each other for many years, and they candidly talk about their private lives.Ishikawa was surprised to find that although they were all married, each of them either had occasional affairs while away from home on business, or had regular "girlfriends" in the city.At first he was amazed, then fascinated, and finally envious of them.

"I can't seem to help wanting what they have. I want to have a private meeting with a beautiful woman. It's really unrestricted sex. That kind of bold and young feeling that I can never get in trouble with a woman. Bai Bing is a good wife, but our marriage looks like a harmonious one. Business partner. I was 26 years old, but I felt like an opportunity had come and gone, and I never experienced anything else. I had so many reasons to be thankful, but I felt like I was missing something It's something important, and time doesn't wait."

He began to have extramarital sexual fantasies, but those fantasies were strangely underdeveloped.During the business trip, he would imagine that there might be an affair during this trip, he would fantasize about meeting a beautiful woman on the plane or in a restaurant, or a small incident would give him an excuse to talk to her, and although she was cold at first, she would talk to her. After a while, she sensed that this fat-waisted, bald-fronted businessman actually had a passionate and eager soul.They would linger and chat for hours in the bar, chatting some beautiful words, talking about their lives and wishes, and finally stopped here late at night.

Guo Muhua

Whose life has distinct longitudes and latitudes in summer and autumn?Mine, the two seasons have deep boundaries.It is the last memory of my youth.I never thought about who I would fall in love with after marriage, but when I realized that I was always thinking about him who was not my husband, it was too late to back off. I was helpless like a little girl lost in the forest, unable to find way out of trouble.

I remember a story in which Liu Hanyue, the most intelligent and intelligent person in "The Granary of the World", said this sentence, "This sentence is a seed in my heart, and it grows wildly every night. After saying it, it becomes A ball of fire, a ball of dying candles" I understand the despair and sadness in this sentence, I understand it deeply and practice it by myself.Indeed.This sentence is "I love you".

I fell in love with him unknowingly at work.He graduated two years later than me to join the work.The first time I cooperated with him, there was a kind of tacit understanding and joy. In the following many cooperations, his silly eyes and humorous words gradually penetrated into my heart. It was not until today, five years after we met, that I realized that I have He was full of concern and tenderness for him all the time.Looking at my four-year-old daughter, my heart is full of pain and guilt.But how can I free myself?

I am as ridiculous as a little girl in the sea of ​​love. Every day, I pay attention to whether he has come to work, whether he has left, and all the circumstances are quietly recorded in my heart.I tortured myself exhausted every day.Analyze yourself, whether it is due to the frankness of character, or the simple heart.It may be a combination of many reasons.I also quietly left to study in a foreign country thousands of miles away for half a month, but I still couldn’t forget him. Instead, all the impressions jumped out of my eyes because of the distance. I imagined what he was doing every moment, on the desk. Write down his name over and over again.I knew his cell phone number by heart, but I looked at the phone booth from a distance and didn't have the courage to walk over.Finally one day, I found a sufficient reason to dial that number, but it was the message that the phone was turned off.Tears filled my eyes all of a sudden.

Finally one day I couldn't help telling him, it was a printed white paper with size five small characters: "I annoy you because I love you. Today I finally said this sentence to you that made me If I have been in pain for a long time. I have no other way to get rid of it, but I can only exchange it with my self-esteem. Don’t worry, I will be at ease from now on.” In fact, he is always helpful and doesn’t bother me very much, because I let him Helping my microcomputer set up a program, he was too busy to take care of it for a few days, which became my emotional outburst.I handed it to him openly while waiting for the sign-in in the lobby downstairs of the office building, as if smiling.But when I turned my back and went back to the office, my eye circles were red and tears fell.

But he never neglected me since then, maybe out of pity and a touch of emotion, he always quietly tried his best to help me.He is an authority on computers in our unit, and he did his best in this regard, installing all the devices and protocols for Internet access on the machines in my office, and installing all the necessary software without my urging.He also sent me a letter to explain, but I was afraid of losing face and returned it to him in person.I am afraid that what he said will remain in my heart and become a sharp knife.He didn't run away, but it made me sadder.In fact, I may always hope that this relationship comes from both parties. He said to me like this is just another tactful form of "sorry".Filled me with sadness and helplessness.Throughout the summer, I went to the office early to use games, music, and chat to relieve my boredom. I didn’t go home at noon, and I used the computer to relieve my worries until I went back at ten o’clock in the evening. I only had some porridge on the roadside in the morning to maintain my energy.At that time, my husband left for other places, and the child went to grandma's house.There is only me who is free at home, and I can pass the time as I like.This situation continued until I bought a microcomputer at home two months later.This time he set up the LAN for me from his house, everything was done by him, I only enjoy his help.

I felt that I was really a little exhausted, and I was in a trance all day long, and I didn't have any energy.Facing his help, I felt humiliated like a beggar.Sure enough, the flame in my heart gradually diminished and extinguished.Every night I burst into tears, and my heart was full of despair and gloom about life.When I woke up early in the morning, I went to the park downstairs and saw many elderly people exercising in the morning. I didn't understand the meaning of what they did.Thinking of what he said to me: "It's possible if we're not married, and it's possible if we all have ourselves in the future", tears filled my eyes again. In the final analysis, he just doesn't love me.This year's summer is so hot that it's suffocating, but my heart feels bone-chilling cold from time to time.I was so hopeless about life that I couldn't see the meaning and joy in life.I went back to my hometown on weekends, but I was always irritable and moody.None of my relatives knew my pain, and I could only pretend to be happy and happy in front of them.Looking at them, I thought in my heart how sad they would be if I left suddenly; watching my daughter think how much she would be hurt if the child lost her mother... Tears flowed down again.

As a result of my self-torture, I grew haggard and emaciated.When I lost ten catties, my female colleagues asked me what my secret recipe was for losing weight. I had to smile and say that I had eaten less, but the sadness in my heart was surging like sea water.

Lonely shadow, lonely mood.When I go to work, I look at the sky outside the window and watch the clouds rise and fall, feeling melancholy about the vastness of nature.On the way to and from get off work, I stared at the trees on the side of the road in a daze.While thinking about why some of the same life have already lost their yellow leaves, while others are still lush and green.Trees look like people.Some live happily, some live sadly.Finally, I finally figured it out, my life is a natural process, and I have to continue living for my family and my daughter.I have no right to kill my own life.That is extremely irresponsible, and it only shows your vulnerability.In any case, I believe that with the passage of time, all wounds will heal.All bloody wounds will scab over and will no longer hurt.Comforting myself like this, the days continued into winter day by day.

Now I am negotiating a divorce with my husband.I know how much responsibility I have, but my feelings can no longer be returned to him. Although he doesn't know anything, I can only say goodbye to him with regret. I also hope that he can find new happiness as soon as possible.In the future, I will take my child with me, and I will take every step wholeheartedly and accompany my daughter to grow up.I try to come early and leave late after get off work, or simply go another way to avoid meeting him. I know he wants to keep our friendship, but how can he understand how cruel that kind of friendship is to me? She smiled at him, but cried when she turned around.I just want to drink a glass of "Forgetting Love Water", so that there is no index for the memories of the past.

Everything can only be blamed on myself.There is no one else who can take responsibility.God seemed to have made a bad joke with me, but I was hurt badly.This is the last commemoration of my youth. From now on, my heart will be cold, and love will never meet me again.

erotic restraint
The restraint of the desire for extramarital affairs can be taken from the inner mind, presented as a concept of right and wrong; or taken from the outside, presented as social punishment for those who violate the norms.In our society and culture, social punishment is sometimes very severe, not only will your extramarital sex be ruthlessly revealed, but also administrative and even criminal sanctions.But in terms of restraint, it is more manifested in the inner psychology, because extramarital sexual fantasies realize that social culture does not allow it. Married people not only cannot commit adultery, but also cannot desire anyone other than their spouse.

Some people convince themselves that they are faithful in body and mind, but this is an illusory and dangerous loyalty.American scholars Albert Ellis (Albert Ellis) and Dr. Robert Harper (Robert Harper) think in their book "Creative Marriage":

"Conscious repression of sexual activity outside of marriage may be perfectly consistent with emotional health and happiness, especially if the repressor obtains an appropriate amount of sexual satisfaction within the marriage. Unconscious repression of sexual urges, and personal shame about such desires, often results in serious Emotional disorder."

This emotional disorder, of course, has various guises.In fact, s/he can become extremely disgusted with the spouse, get into serious marital conflicts and fights, become sexually numb to the marriage, suffer from psychosis, depression, loss of enthusiasm for work, or even engage in self-destructive behaviors.Even more dramatic is the sudden outburst of repressed desires that s/he can't help but commit flagrant infidelity with little control over the consequences.

A fat, grey-haired hardware merchant of thirty-five had been a devoted husband until two years earlier.He was brought up by a Puritan family from an early age. He was a virgin when he married at 35.He was so disappointed by his wife's frigidity that at the time he blamed it on his own inadequacy, not allowing himself to fantasize about other, better experiences.

"I never fantasize about other women. There are two reasons: First, no one does this kind of thing. Once you marry a woman, she is your wife. Even if you have no children to consider, you still have to be faithful in body and mind. Second, What pretty woman would give a fat, gray-haired hardware dealer another look?"

Two years ago, his personal secretary left because of having a baby, and he hired a young divorced woman to replace him.For half a year, he saw her every day at work, and even took her out to lunch occasionally, but he never allowed himself to fantasize about any other relationship with her.

One day, he flipped through a stack of letters she had just sorted out, and found that there were many mistakes in her letters that should not have been there.He was very surprised:

"I asked her what was going on and she said: 'Boss, it's been hard for me to concentrate on anything these days when you're around.'

I was shaking and I couldn't breathe. 24 hours later, we were in bed.The process came simply and suddenly, like a volcanic eruption or a hurricane.After orgasm, I cried.I want to marry her as soon as possible.We had sex every night for a full week or so.I later confessed everything to my wife; the two of them got into a quarrel.I moved out that night. "

As we said above, almost all married men and at least most married women are occasionally aware of extramarital desires, and most of them, when they feel this desire, do not feel compelled to bear it, but rather linger in their fantasies In the pleasure of fornication.Still, many of these individuals exercised varying degrees of restraint in expressing their fear that indulging in extramarital fantasies would lead them to actually commit infidelity.A common way to curb extramarital fantasies is to exaggerate the expected risk of an extramarital partner.A 40-year-old man described how, years ago, he worried that he would not be faithful all the time:

"I've flirted with girls at offices and parties for years, but never thought there was going to be an affair, it was against my education, and more importantly, I was afraid. Before marriage I wasn't What kind of prostitution master? After marriage, I even forgot all the little tricks I knew before. Except for my wife, I don’t know if other women like my attention. I thought to myself, if I get out of the first A rejection at one small step would have shattered my confidence, but even if I hadn't, I would have proven to be a terrible lover, and the very thought of it could also be debilitating.

Once, the company sent me and a female colleague to participate in a professional ordering meeting in other places. With a deliberately innocent expression on her face, she said to me: "When we arrive at the destination, we will play in the dark. .” I forced a smile and said something witty like “That’s not it”.She was attractive, so when the initial shock wore off, I was aroused, but also very nervous.The closer I got to my business trip, the more nervous I became.As a result, a few days before the departure, I told my boss that there was a funeral at home and asked him to appoint someone else.I told myself that it was right to be faithful to my wife, but in reality I was too scared to go overboard. "His fear of failure was like a kind of paralysis, both a symptom of inner conflict and a form of protection against its consequences. On this, psychoanalyst Dr. Ernest van den Haag taught in a psychology class at the New School for Social Research It clearly states: "It is absolutely possible that fidelity in marriage is motivated by neurotics. "

Psychologists and psychiatrists, especially those leaning towards the Freudian school, generally agree that healthy restraint in extramarital affairs is based on full awareness of these desires and a pragmatic assessment of all the problems and risks involved in satisfying them: Harm to the spouse and self-discipline , destroy marriages, suffer public disgrace, etc.

(End of this chapter)