Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 6 Definition of Extramarital Affairs (6)
Gerhard Neubeck and Vera M. Schletzer of the University of Minnesota studied a group of couples who had been married for about ten years and found that those who had cheated usually had less binding force of conscience. Stronger people tend to limit themselves to daydreaming, even when they are unhappy in their marriages.

The Kinsey report has a similar explanation for religious inhibition: Among Puritan women in their 30s, only 7% of those who were religiously active were unfaithful; in contrast, 28% of those who were not religiously active were unfaithful ( The differences between men with positive and negative beliefs were less pronounced).

Much of the reason for deterring extramarital fantasies is external restraint, the punishment an outsider is prepared to inflict on the transgressor, especially if the spouse is an effective enforcer.Many men and women who want to have extramarital experiences and don't see extramarital affairs as something particularly sinful are ultimately put off by fear of the punishment their spouses might and would do to them if they find out.The betrayed husband or wife wields great power of life and death. He or she can abuse the cheating partner with impunity, demand various compensations, and even threaten divorce.Even if the original marriage was not happy, divorce is a bleak prospect that the parties do not want to see: broken families, divided property, separation from children, friendship and familiar daily patterns once disintegrated, humiliating glances at the parties from friends, adulterers are almost inevitable Forced to agree to the almost harsh property conditions proposed by the other party.All these constitute a strong restraint on extramarital behavior.

However, other external restraints have gradually lost considerable effectiveness over the past decade or so.Laws are not formed to prosecute adulterers, and business and society do not punish them as severely as they once did.Due to the gradual increase of such social phenomena, there is a tendency to see nothing strange.While an adulterer can still ruin his career, relinquish a leadership position in a business, company, or community, and be stigmatized and dismissed by friends and relatives, such punishment is often only possible in small, closed groups in implementation.In such a group, almost everyone knows what happens, and if many approve of punishment, a growing number disapprove of it on the grounds that it is a private matter.

Under the right circumstances, the desire for an extramarital relationship can overcome its restraint.But what is the appropriate situation?There is no single or easy answer to this question.Every extramarital affair is the result of a complex, interactive process of fueling or reducing lust and increasing or weakening restraint.An emotionally normal, happy man in a conventional enterprise may live his life without an affair, even if there is a chance encounter with an attractive and deliberate mate.The same man, if the marriage cannot be saved, or if the career is thwarted, may seize the opportunity.But if he relocates to a community where there is a high pressure to conform, he may still be faithful for life, even if he has special incentives and the mate is interested.And if he is in a free group with a "tolerant" wife, he may break free from external restraint and even commit an affair on a low-level impulsiveness.If he is a particularly timid or religious person, or lacks opportunity, he may not have an affair, even in a liberal group and marriage.

Therefore, the victory of lust over restraint may be effortless, or it may have to be fought hard.Lust itself may be normal and healthy, or it may be exaggerated and pathological, and the factors that weaken restraint may be normal or harmful.

Behind the imagination
Almost all psychoanalysts, psychologists, marriage counselors, and social workers have always regarded extramarital activities as medically diagnosed conditions such as "immaturity", "narcissism", "disordered personality", "incomplete excessive Arrogant", "constant anxiety" and "lack of love in infancy".The following quotes roughly outline the general view of Freudian professionals:

"Marital infidelity, like alcohol or drug addiction, is a manifestation of a deep disorder of character."

--Frank Caprio, MD

Marital Infidelity (Maritianl Infidelity), Frank Caprio MD
"Marital infidelity is a psychopathic, sometimes psychopathic pursuit by individuals of a particular man or woman they feel they need...Basically, it's a regression toward preteen-specific behavior."

--Leann Thor, M.D.
Fidelity and Infidelity, Leon Saul MD
"Marital infidelity may be statistically normal, but it's psychologically unhealthy ... Loyalty to a husband or wife is a sign of emotional health."

--Hyman Sponitz, MD and Lucy Feynman

The Wandering Husband, Hyman Sportnitz MD and Lucy Freeman
However, presenting these examples does not prove that marital infidelity stems from psychological illness, but many patients in therapy interpret their infidelity as a stifling, loveless marriage, or as nagging, suspicious spouses A powerful rebound of feelings of jealousy, dominance, or frigidity.

An example of this is described below:
"She was always belittling me, criticizing me, making me feel stupid and ridiculous. Once, I was refinishing a table, carefully polishing the underside of the table, because I like things to be perfect, without blemishes. She nags me, saying I wasted my time on things that no one would see. She was critical and demeaning about everything for four or five years. I couldn't even stand touching her at night. Around that time I started to have strong feelings about meeting other women Desire. After a while, the desire became so strong that I had to deal with it, and the first time it burst."

The motivation behind extramarital fantasies is not only marital misfortune, but also complex psychological factors, because the person concerned has sought solace in countless extramarital affairs, and as a result, the solace brought by each extramarital affair is very short-lived. Finally, he received psychotherapy and gradually found that he married He fell in love with an aggressive woman who resembled his mother, and he could neither resist nor divorce her.After two years of therapy, he got divorced, lived alone for a while, and then remarried.This time he chose a very different woman.

Even so, many people who have no mental illness and have never seen a psychiatrist have the same complaints.In the United States, after some behavioral scientists conducted extensive sampling and experiments on married people, the views obtained were quite different from those of psychologists.Social scientists who have studied unhappy or broken marriages have found that choices or interactions influenced by psychological disorders are only a minority of the causes of marital unhappiness.Jessie Bernard, for example, found that in a large study she did, more than half of the cases were basically normal people who had chosen poorly because they were too young or inexperienced , do not understand their own needs.Likewise, Cuber and Harroff found that while many of the cheaters they interviewed were disappointed or frustrated in their marriages, most of them were psychologically normal.

Many of the people we interviewed who were unhappy in marriages and sought catharsis in extramarital affairs later divorced and remarried happily without the help of psychotherapy.However, these people often talk about their first marriage in the same tone as those disharmonious and resentful spouses.Therefore, all resentful spouses and all marital infidelity cannot be called psychological disorders.Indeed, we felt that many of our interviewees who were unhappy in their marriages or did not agree with their spouses described their infidelity without any pain, because such complaints are acceptable to almost all friends and confidants.

Although sexual deprivation or frustration is often part of the unlucky marriage syndrome, it is also frequently cited as the only reason for marital infidelity.For example, a young divorced woman explained why she cheated on her second husband only a few months after her second marriage:
"He and I were very compatible in other ways during our relationship, so I didn't worry about him having any problems with sex. But in fact I was wrong. The problem is this: since we got married, he has The bed performance has been terrible, many times he can't get an erection at all. I can't help it. The only thing that works is to let him lay there and masturbate until he gets an erection. You know, sometimes it takes half an hour to do it, Then ask me to finish things as soon as possible, which makes me unhappy every time."

Another emotionally infidelity woman felt that the depression in the relationship seemed to come partly from her own sexual inadequacy.Speaking of this defect, she speaks with her characteristic flippant acerbity, mixed with self-deprecation:

"The room in the bed was boring from beginning to end. I never had an orgasm with him. Before marriage, although we didn't have an orgasm, it seemed quite interesting; after marriage, there were only endless quarrels and cold wars. We are dealing with each other "Thank you! ", and even called each other by their full name. After each routine sex, he would quickly turn over and fall asleep. It's boring!"

Additionally, nearly half of the men and women we interviewed cited a "need for self-esteem" as their primary motivation for infidelity.Some of their statements could be interpreted as psychological resentment, but others were more like an effort to maintain or regain emotional health.

Here's an example to prove it:
"Once his affair was first made public, he decided to get out of it with other affairs that I didn't know about. He had all our friends, most of whom were prettier than me. I was devastated and felt like I wasn't Unlikable. After two years of thinking about it, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to prove that I wasn't that bad. So I deliberately picked the time, the place, and the man I thought would be best for me."

Likewise, there are cases of infidelity that are not a sign of "disordered" behavior, as the psychiatrist seems to suggest, but rather normal behavior.Retaliation was mentioned as the main reason by 5% of our respondents, and he was present in both cases.Alcoholism, too, is mentioned in numbers that rival those of revenge.There is also long-term separation between the two places, about one in eight mentions it as the main reason.

(End of this chapter)