Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 7 Definition of Extramarital Affairs (7)
A burgeoning analysis is that every monogamous marriage somehow blocks a person's innate sexual and emotional drives.Within reason, this is tolerable, but once marriage substantially hinders these drives and gives little back, healthy individuals may seek extramarital affairs to satisfy themselves.

Love is of course a well-known need for extramarital gratification, and in novels and comedies it is the most grandiose cause of infidelity.It does come suddenly, like water or Cupid's arrow, to the utter powerlessness of the innocent to resist, thereby rendering them innocent of infidelity.

But this description is quite different from the facts we investigated.First of all, love is actually a relatively rare cause of infidelity. Among the men we interviewed, only one in ten men and one in five women said that love was the main cause of their first extramarital affairs.Secondly, in some cases, fanatical infatuation is entirely the result of psychological disorders.Finally, even in a reasonably healthy person who is anxious about marriage, longing for an extramarital partner is seldom sudden, feverish, and overwhelming.Instead, it often develops slowly, with the person becoming aware of it and willing to continue the relationship, knowing that it will inevitably turn into an affair:
"He was my uncle's friend, and during the hard winter, my husband was out of town, and the young child was seriously ill. He was very helpful, kind and generous, and he was like a man, which is what my husband lacked. Those few days Over the course of months, I grew to like him, and he loved me the same way, we were already in love with each other long before we became lovers. In the end, becoming lovers was just a matter of course."

Others said that love was the focus of their first affair, but it wasn't love in the first place.They cheat because of other, less complicated needs, only to find that love has grown in hindsight:
"They sat me next to him at the dinner table. I fell for him, he knew it, and he was a fan. I knew his wife was far away, he knew I had a husband who lived far away, and I was considering separation .Emotions were brewing all evening.I never felt like that.Even when I was unhappy,I was always a regular little girl.But,I knew then that if he said he loved me,I would say yes without hesitation.Fact Actually, it took me a long time to get to know him as a person before I loved him."

It can be seen from this that even for normal people with normal restraint, if the driving force is seriously frustrated, it will lead to marital infidelity.But that doesn't explain the extramarital affairs of so many people who are emotionally normal, whose marriages are satisfying, not frustrated, and who don't live in exceptionally liberal circumstances.More than half of the men and nearly a third of the women we interviewed said they were happy, or at least not unhappy, in their marriages at the time of their first affair.

Robert Whitehurst, a sociologist at Indiana University, has assembled evidence that middle-class American businessmen in the lives of those who are not motivated by special needs or psychological deficits will treat their wives unfaithful.The cause of this shift involves the passage of time.Communication and enthusiasm have decreased over time, and they are often exposed to the "marginal ethics" of the business world. With a successful career, the chances of encountering extramarital affairs are gradually competing.As a result, for many middle-class Americans, especially middle-aged, successful men, "an extramarital affair can be viewed as an extension of fairly normal (that is, non-pathological) behavior . . . without strong guilt feelings, without hidden psychic entanglements, or other common symptoms of psychological disorders."

Of course, the passage of time affects not just Dr. Whitehurst's case, but everyone.On this point, Kinsey provides the most detailed information available.Looking at the subjects in his first two studies (who were of similar social class and educational level to the subjects in this book), we found that men were more likely to have extramarital affairs as they became middle-aged, with 20% of men in their early 30s There are extramarital affairs, but the rate doubles in the early 50s and closer to 40.The age patterns of extramarital affairs among college-educated women are actually the same, but the ratios at each stage are relatively small.Both men and women, although women have a strong ability to suppress, after years of unchanging life, especially at the age of [-], in addition to boredom, coupled with the feeling of ephemeral life and youth always lingering in the heart, it is easy to feel fresh and The attraction of change.

In general, the simple, natural, regrettable experience of the monotony of life is the most common reason why normal people who have refrained from extramarital passions for many years have affairs.They don't tell their friends and acquaintances this, and they mostly cover it up with the more acceptable reasons they have examined before.But more than half of the men we interviewed admitted that post-marital boredom was the reason for their first affair.The numbers were even higher for women, with nearly two-thirds blaming the tedium of marriage (the number was even higher in cases where there had been more than one extramarital affair).Here's what they say:
"I love my wife and I don't want to live with anyone else. But after 15 years of being the same... once the marriage has no excitement, you have to go out and change it."

"I used to say that my husband and I didn't communicate enough, but that wasn't the real problem. We'd already said everything worth saying. I was talking to another man because we were strangers to each other."

“The same goes for the rest of our lives, it’s just routine, there’s no excitement, no fun, no wonder. We’re a great working couple and over time it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to experience something else. something, or I'll take it out on her."

"His family is warm, stable, and traditional, which I like because my parents are divorced. As much as I like the security of being married to him, it grows restless. He is calm and kind, but emotional Very flat. There were days when I thought he was hiding his feelings on purpose and almost hated him for it, but then I realized that’s just what he was. Married to this man, life was too dull for me to stand.”

The last point is that many people’s internal restraint is too weak, it can be said that there is no restraint at all. As long as they are given the right opportunity, even if there is no strong sense of boredom fueling the flames, they will effortlessly and inevitably cheat.Some of these individuals can be classified as personality disorders or lack of personality development.These people are not motivated by psychological disorders, nor do they experience frustration and deprivation in their marriages. They are just rebels in the monogamous culture.

Zhang Tianwei

Zhang Tianwei, 46 years old, is a cardiologist and his career is at its peak.In the past seven or eight years, he has been the best among his peers in the B City area.He and his wife live in a beautiful villa with a lawn around the house.Despite his heavy office and work schedule, he still finds time to go to the "Celebrity Club" at least twice a week to play squash and take a steam bath.He is slender and strong, nearly 1.8 meters tall, with a rosy face and a prominent chin.He is muscular and well-built, making patients feel strong and safe. His straight posture and graceful posture convey a sense of health.He speaks concisely and carefully, and often responds to a patient's question or a friend's remark with a faint smile or a noncommittal grunt.

A few years ago, he and Mei Hui fell in love with each other, and after a flash of love, they were officially engaged, and the two began to share the same bed.In a chatty tone, he explained what he thought of his marriage and fidelity at the time:

"We hit it off in many ways. We matched in appearance and got along well. Although there were some problems in the first year or two of marriage, mostly because of money, the marriage was very successful from the beginning. Although contraception was used, after 4 years of marriage She's still pregnant at the end of the month, which makes my already busy work seem hectic for a while. I often feel tense and tired, but never have an outbreak. I just keep my mouth shut and don't want to talk to her, but the situation It didn't last long, and it was by no means the reason I cheated in the first place.

Why cheat?No particular reason, I just wanted to cheat.I am very aware of the tutor's requirements for faithfulness, as well as Meihui's expectations, but I haven't really considered the matter of faithfulness at all.Even if I thought about it, I would think that like other men, I would probably cheat sooner or later.How could there be any other answer?That's the way life is! "

He paused, pondered for a moment, finally shrugged, and confessed:

"I think I've always been prone to disagreement. It was not long after I got married, about a year or so. It's really nothing, it's just a dewy marriage with a nurse, because I needed sex, and Meihui was about to give birth. Of course, Also because I was craving a bit of variety in a monotonous marriage. For a year and a half I was just with Mie, which was quite a long time. At the same time, we were never stimulating sexually. She was a silent type, not very Enthusiasm, even in terms of sex, is the same as her personality, tepid. So, I thought of going outside for a change. But it was really just for fun."

He feels no guilt about his first infidelity, nor does he see any reason to feel guilty:

"I don't love that nurse, I love Michelle. I play with other people for half an hour and it doesn't change anything. I just do what normal men do. Why should we kid ourselves about our nature? I'm about the same size as that nurse." One date a week, two or three months before and after and it's over."

Even his emotional entanglements with one or two other women in the future are not out of dissatisfaction with the marriage, at least he can't think of any dissatisfaction:
"Meihui and I would quarrel occasionally, and we didn't talk to each other for a while, but it didn't affect the happiness of our marriage. Psychoanalysis would probably say that there must be something wrong with this marriage, otherwise I wouldn't have extramarital affairs all the time, but I disagree with this statement .I don't believe that men can find everything they want in a single woman or that monogamy is the norm.I never make excuses for my behavior to myself or any woman that there is something wrong with the family.I Pretty happy with my home life, but it's also true that extramarital relationships add something, it makes me feel young, wanting, and alive. If I wanted to, I guess I could be faithful, but life would be much less fun, I And I won't be a good husband and father, because I won't be a happy man."

(End of this chapter)