Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 8 The First Derailment (1)
Fiction and fantasy often preface a first affair with an encounter with a fascinating stranger.But in real life, most people know that the object of the first extramarital affair is more likely to be an acquaintance who is close at hand.Among our questionnaire and interview subjects, one-third of the first (or only) extramarital affairs were with close friends, and another quarter to one-third were acquaintances.These circumstances illustrate that extramarital affairs are more likely to be manifested in the near water.The tempted are also complicit with fate.Although it is passive, it has known or perceived the existence of danger, but it still lingers, fascinated and afraid, and vaguely hopes that it will be helplessly led all the way to the goal of its desire.

First time object
A former model woman who currently runs a family with two children.She liked the husband of a bosom friend of hers, who was both dignified and humorous towards her, and when flattering, always liked to praise her excellent figure, and sighed in a half-joking and half-serious tone that he had never had the chance to know its true appearance.Another time at a party, drinking hot, they confided in each other about their lack of marriage.A week later, the two met by chance while taking their children to watch a Saturday afternoon movie.They sat side by side, their arms accidentally touched on the handle, and they moved away after a while.

He stopped by her house one afternoon and gave her some pictures he had taken at the party, and asked her if she would like to go to the beach next week.Of course, she knew that his wife didn't want to take the boat, and never did.Wary, but reminding herself that he was her best friend's husband and that he had never been indecent in any way, she accepted.Years later, she confessed that she had expected and wanted that to happen on the boat that day.

In a drama academy in S City, the head of the drama department and a young woman from the music department collaborated seamlessly to rehearse the "Drama of Life" produced by the students.By 10:30 p.m., the students had left, and the two of them were still sitting in his cluttered, paper-strewn office chatting and drinking bitter coffee reheated in an electric filter.At first they talked about the play, and then, somehow, they gradually talked about themselves, their interests, their wishes, their marriage.This happened five or six times, and then during the Christmas holidays, they felt deeply that they hadn't seen each other, and they felt what was going on.It was the first rehearsal after the holiday, and they could see the anticipation in each other's faces.After the rehearsal, the two of them cycled to a park, kissed passionately, and discussed whether they should break up immediately or become lovers. They didn't reach a decision in the end, and agreed to talk further the next night.

We choose lovers, to a considerable extent due to proximity.We think that we are caught up in some special and unprecedented passion, but we find ideals in something around us.But few people would admit it. The origin of their feelings seems to be far more grand and beautiful than closeness and willingness. They feel that they are being manipulated by a force greater than themselves.

Xia Meng and Tian Tian

Xia Meng's advertising company lost the hotel business in Repulse Bay, City H, and most of his work came from this business.The ad agency was small, so the business lost a lot of money, but recently the company found a client, a major publisher.Xia Meng, who drafted the plan, was ordered to be the advertisement writer for this business.This made him immediately have close contact with Ms. Tian Tian, ​​the manager of the advertising department of the publishing company, and met almost every day.

"When I first met her, there was her boss, the business manager Luo Yiming. Luo was a fat man who was panting, and Tian was a slender and elegant young woman; Brown in today's fashion, modern and generous. Freckled, petite and mischievous, young; he is unimpressed by humor, or just disapproves. She is witty, has an instinct for humor, and is good at verbal exchanges. First meeting Later, I found out that she was his wife, I was surprised and wondered how happy she was with him?"

The first meeting was to discuss the spring advertising campaign.Time is tight, especially for monthly advertisements, Xia Meng decided to rely on him to discuss with the staff of the publishing company to obtain suitable information for spring advertisements.Luo Yiming participated in the initial talks, but rarely spoke.When Xia Meng and Tian Tian joked out of the blue, he would also laugh in a relaxed manner, but often with a serious face, or begging them to be serious.

After two hours of discussion, some important decisions were made and the work to be done took shape.Xia Meng suggested that because time was running short, they should have several long discussions, including evenings if necessary, in order to resolve key issues.Mr. Luo agreed, saying at the time that he himself would not be involved, and Ms. Tian was in charge of the details of the advertisement and could do it for her. Besides, he was about to leave for a three-week business trip to visit bookstores and wholesalers.

"The initial discussions were hard, but stimulating and productive. We decided to postpone the discussion until later in the evening. At dinner in the restaurant, we still talked about business, but surrounded by men and women who were out on a date, when I ordered a French red meal for the two of us While drinking, I felt as if we were also dating. Strange, familiar, long-forgotten feelings, regrets about the past time and place came back to my heart. I don’t know how she sees me. Is it an advertisement writer or a man? It's stupid to think about this, and also wonder about her and Luo's dear relationship.

By the time dinner was over, our conversation had slipped away from publishing advertisements.I was sipping my red wine when she suddenly said very softly:

'You're a very emotional person, aren't you? '

There was a flash of light, my heart pounded, and my face burned.Be careful, this is no pipe dream.But then she asked me why I was staring straight at her hands, was she gesturing too much?And I suddenly got bolder and said something like how beautiful her hands are, and she blushed.I feel a little hyperactive.I haven't flirted openly with any woman since I met my wife.dangerous thing?No, I love my wife, I have absolutely no ability to betray her, there is no danger...

After dinner that day, we went back to the conference room to continue working on the youth activity program.The office building is gloomy and cold, so she suggested working in her apartment, where it is warm and quiet (her husband, Mr. Fu, is on a business trip again, and his stepson, Yong Lian, is studying at boarding school).I was a little nervous joking, what would her subordinates think if they found out.

'They already think so,' she smiled faintly.

I was excited, trembling, and felt ridiculous.We worked in a small dining room, with papers spread out on the floor, and our hands were often close to each other.I called home, and as I was dialing, she passed me to get a drink, paused with her long fingers on the nape of my neck, and said:
'It's good to have you here. '

A strong desire came over me, wanting to turn around and pull her over, hugging her.But I just smiled and touched her hand.Afterwards, work was over, and we talked about ourselves for another hour.I found her to be incredibly manly, witty, and talented with her.Then something happened. Before leaving, she looked at me strangely and said:
'I'm afraid this is beginning to bother me. ' With that she quickly closed the door. "

Miss Tian, ​​1.6 meters tall, 59 kg in weight, willow waist, thin ankles, large breasts, clear buttocks, a pair of bright eyes, a face with freckles under dyed light brown hair, and a sweet smile.She was 34 years old when Xia Meng met her.She is a passable undergraduate student in the Art Department of the University of South Wales in Australia.Father was a freight yard dispatcher. When I went to study in Australia from City H in the 80s and lived in Sydney, because of loneliness, I developed the habit of going to church to chat with friends on weekends.But now, after returning to City H, he is no longer interested in faith, and attending mass on holidays is just a play on occasion.She got married five years ago and divorced two years later.A year and a half later, she married a boss named Fu Zian, and met Xia Meng a year ago.

"Zi An and I dated for a year before we got married. In the last few months of that year, I was only short of living with his son Yong Lian (Zi An insisted on having custody rights before agreeing to divorce his ex-wife). I and Yonglian gets along very well. Zi An may think that I am a good mother, but I see Zi An as a negotiable, strong, father-type lover. I have been with an immature ex-husband for a year and a half, and I met Zi An like this The man I was looking for was just what I wanted. After nearly a year of being happy together, Zi An and I got married, and around the same time he promoted me to be the manager of the advertising department.

I don't know what exactly killed our relationship, but we've changed completely since we got married.I am much better at publishing than he is.He benefits from my performance but feels like I'm always putting him down.And after we got married, I discovered that he was not a strong father at all, but a weak and grumpy boy.He wanted me to take care of everything, but when I did, he became pissed off.The two have been fighting since their marriage.Our sex life has always been okay, but this time it started to wear off, because I lost my desire for him, and because he almost never asked for sex when he wanted it, and fell asleep after being rude. .

Then Xia Meng appeared in my field of vision.He was the first man I ever knew who surpassed me intellectually, and sometimes he didn't even have to try very hard to get a thing right.It made me feel new, it fascinated me.After working together for the second time, I found that I was very excited.After I lost interest in Zian, I lost my libido completely, and sometimes I really wondered if I had changed physically, thinking that libido would never regenerate.But now a strange feeling was stirring, and I could not ignore it.I can read him at a glance: enthusiastic but depressed, eager to have me but trembling, unable to make any moves.Maybe this is the Orientals!I know he won't make a move unless I give him a hint.I don't know what I was thinking at the time, I just did what I wanted to do.

One night, after all kinds of verbal teasing with each other, I finally had an irresistible urge.As he was leaving, I said:

' This thing is starting to get on my nerves. ' After I finished I hugged him.I could see his expression and knew I was right. "

From this point of view, those innocent people who seem to be seduced or forced into their arms by fate are usually not so innocent. They connive at their provocations knowingly, or at least with some awareness.Unfaithful people often refuse to escape or leave high-risk situations or situations.

seek prey
Many people, perhaps most, do not wait for temptation when they first have an affair. They actively cultivate possible temptations around them, or deliberately seek special situations that they know have opportunities to actively participate.Party flirting is probably the most common way to reach out to seduction.When people who know each other get together, especially at large parties, there are often semi-joking provocative words and deeds that go beyond the boundaries of marriage.He hugged his partner closer, whispered compliments in her ear, and she responded with a happy uh-huh, and he felt himself again, or who he had hoped to be, a charming and a little bit A dangerous male, not a tired cookie-cutter commuter, husband, father, and handyman.

Her wife, chatting animatedly with half a dozen other people, was gladly aware that a man in the group was looking at her with a distinctive, intimate admiration.She felt a wave of warmth, and she smiled more happily when talking to people, and she spoke with more interest, and it felt wonderful to let her eyes meet him for a second or two.

However, society does not have clear norms governing the use and limits of this type of flirting, so it is often unclear whether a particular gesture is playful or serious, safe or risky.Adding to the uneasiness is the fact that a man or woman who originally just wanted to play games may experience unexpected reactions that make him or her want to stop, whether he or she wants to.

A 27-year-old computer programmer in City B said:

“That winter my wife and I used to hang out with the Klings, friends we met while studying abroad in Japan; we all went back to City B in [-]. When we got together, we went bowling , having dinner together and chatting. Kelin’s wife, Wu Jing, and I were eyeing each other, and occasionally holding hands under the table. It’s not interesting to do that, but it’s exciting, and we were never noticed while laughing and laughing. I don’t I don’t want this kind of thing to continue, because it’s too risky. But several times, she mentioned to me when her husband went out to work; after he came back from Japan, he opened a Japanese restaurant near the Asian Games Village in City B. I After thinking about it for a while, I was very nervous, and finally told her secretly that I would stop by to visit her some other day.

One day after I went to her house, the two sat at the bar, drinking Martell and chatting, but the atmosphere was not relaxed.Finally, I went over and sat down next to her, put my arm around her and said, 'We're probably in big trouble, aren't we? ' She didn't say a word, she just nodded and put her head in my arms. "

Because of the ambivalence and risks involved in party flirting, seduction-seeking men and women sometimes prefer to look outside their social circles.In settings such as offices, cocktail lounges, airplanes, and train stations, overtures or flirtations are less likely to arouse feelings of ambivalence, or at least minimize the risk of possible embarrassment or exposure.Patterns of flirting are also more often than not flirtatious, and less likely to cause harm if mistaken for seriousness.

Chulov and Bian Xin
In the autumn of [-], a group company represented by Chulov planned to build a new shopping center in the southwest of S City.One afternoon in October, he went to a real estate mediation company.There was a secretary in the outer office, Bian Xin, who was typing, and she said that the manager, Wu Zhengchao, was waiting for him.Entering inside, after some greetings, the conversation will enter the topic.At the end of the day, Huang invited Wu to have dinner together in order to finalize the details.When he walked out of the office, secretary Bian Xin was putting on his coat and locking the drawer.In fact, during the conversation with Mr. Wu, Huang already knew that she was divorced.At this time, Huang saw that Miss Bian looked lonely and sad, and needed a decent dinner, so he took the initiative to invite her to go with him.She was surprised and hesitated a bit, but in the choice of whether to go or not to go, she finally accepted the former.

“At the time I just saw it as an act of kindness. Or so I thought of her. But, over dinner, we quickly wrapped up business and I gushed proudly about my house, my kids, and Art collection. I could tell she had a crush on me, so I showed it off because I was used to how it made me feel.

After the meal, Manager Wu walked first, and since she lived near the Xicheng District where I lived, I asked for a car and took her back by the way.At this time, I have found that she is quite beautiful, much more beautiful than my first impression. I still only see her as a girl who is troubled. people.But when I called Manager Wu the next morning, she immediately recognized my voice. She spoke to me in a warm and friendly tone, almost personal, which made me feel very comfortable and happy.I talked to Manager Wu about some additional ideas, but all I could think about was whether I should have the courage to invite her to dinner.I can call my wife and say I won't be back until tomorrow morning.As soon as Manager Wu hung up the phone, I immediately dialed to find her, but hung up again. 'what's the matter with you? ' I asked myself, 'Why am I, a married man with a wonderful wife and two kids, inviting a girl 15 years my junior to dinner? '

I dialed the phone three times and hung up on it three times.The inner struggle is evident. "

A few days later, he finally called her and invited her to have dinner with him.She enthusiastically agrees to meet at the Italian restaurant.Waiting for her at the bar felt excited and slightly sinister.Glancing at himself in the glasses, he thought he looked good, freshly shaved, in a clean white shirt, and a decent suit.He told himself to remember to always smile.

(End of this chapter)