Harvard Emotional Intelligence Class

Chapter 33 Improving the ability to judge feelings (1)
In our emotional blueprint, judging emotions is the first ability.The ability to accurately judge feelings is not only important for career success and happiness in life, but also for our survival.

(Section [-] Self-awareness
Self-awareness, the ability to recognize emotions as they occur, is key to emotional intelligence training.Self-knowledge is about understanding your own thoughts and emotions. Only with a correct understanding of yourself will you have the ability to make better choices.

The three parts of the human brain, intuition, emotion and logic, work together like a team of three consultants to keep you safe and advise you.Every consultant has a different approach, and sometimes they offer you conflicting advice, and sometimes they stay silent.Your task is to learn how to listen to the advice of the three experts and choose the best one based on their joint input, and then make the right decision.

The best way to understand how the three specialists work is to observe them in action in real situations.For example, when Susan came home alone late at night from a meeting, she drove into the garage, got out of the car, and walked home.How should Susan use her expert system to make a decision about a man wearing a ski mask who jumped out of the bushes and appeared in front of her, pointed a gun in her face and said, "Give me the wallet."

Table 9-1: Tips for Consulting an Expert

three consultants
Intuition expert
Emotional expert
logic expert
skill

Identify hazards that suggest you fight back or run away.

Using your memory, recall what coping strategies you have learned before.

Comprehensively analyze the severity of the problem and make a choice.

Advantage
Let you act quickly without thinking.

Based on previous experience and knowledge to help you make decisions quickly.

Help you think carefully and make rational choices for future use.

Weakness
May cause you to take dangerous actions without thinking.

Possibly mess things up.

Time and more precise information is required to fully consider all possible options.

Remember that guidance from one expert may be overwhelmed by advice from another, especially if the latter is stronger.For example, you are unlikely to hear advice from a logic expert when an intuitive expert and an emotional expert shout out to you.

Only by listening to and understanding the advice of these three experts at all times can you think wisely, and planning and preparation is one of the best ways you can use all expert advice.

How do you react when a crisis arises?In a state of crisis, it's hard to hear advice from a logician.Most people's so-called "feeling okay" is actually just a combination of the opinions of intuitive experts and emotional experts. It is dangerous to make a one-sided decision without comprehensively weighing the recommendations of the three experts.

In the previous example of encountering a masked gunman, how should Susan act when she encounters a dangerous situation? Her rationality may tell her that she should protect herself first, and then her property.

While most of us rarely face life-threatening situations, dealing with disrupted schedules, irritable people, and personal problems every day requires clear thinking.Everyone has periodic crises that make it difficult to maintain calm and sanity.

Use the following four techniques to find out why you respond to crises and stress in a certain way, and try to learn more about yourself.Be mentally prepared for how you will think and react in the future.

It is difficult for a person to be clear-headed under the shackles of danger and fear.Relaxation puts your mind in a more peaceful state, which helps you think calmly.When you feel at peace, you know what your emotions, body, and mind are doing.

Take a few deep breaths to relax your tense muscles and bring you into awareness of your feelings, thoughts, and reactions.

In a relaxed state, re-examine what is making you upset. It could be a customer complaint, a layoff at a company, a spouse scolding you for not doing a chore, or a partner lying to you.

Now, remember what you were feeling and thinking at the time of the event, and after analyzing your emotions thoroughly, you will be able to direct your thoughts towards wise actions.

Ask yourself "What is my body telling me about how I'm feeling? Where am I feeling tense? Is it the hands, arms, back, neck, or stomach? Do I have a headache? Which is my response to fight or run away?" Am I very angry at the thought of working with that person?"

The real cause of your strong reactions (such as anger, revenge, fear, sadness, tiredness, etc.) may not be obvious.Seriously study the truth hidden behind, peel off layers of coats by asking questions (who, what, why, when, how, etc.), and discover the real reason behind it.

Delve deeper into your predicament to discover what lies beneath.Ask yourself a few "whys":
"Why do I get upset when... happens?"

Keep asking and answering until you are sure you have found your true emotion.

Motivation is what drives people to do things, like fuel makes a car work.Motivation is a source of strength that affects how you make decisions and handle interpersonal challenges.Once you know what drives you, you'll be able to improve the way you think and make better choices.

(Section [-] Recognizing Your Own and Others’ Emotions in a Flexible Way
The ability to judge emotion in emotional intelligence includes judging the feelings of others, the emotional signals in the face, body and voice, and expressing emotions accurately for the purpose of communicating with others.You need to focus on developing these skills to better read other people's feelings.Without accurate and reliable information about relationships, decision-making and thought processes about relationships can be erroneous.There’s a saying among computer programmers: “garbage in, garbage out,” and that applies to the realm of emotional intelligence as well.If the emotional judgment is not accurate, it is impossible to talk about using, understanding and managing.However, before you can learn to judge the feelings of others, you must learn to judge your own feelings.

Do you know what you're feeling?Maybe this is a stupid question, but it's necessary because many people shut down their feelings, at least part of the time.Emotional intelligence requires us to be close to our feelings, if not all the time, then at key moments.Knowing more about your own emotional state can help you judge the feelings of others, which not only helps you understand various emotional cues, but also helps you analyze emotional information.

For those of you who feel like you don't know much about your emotions and relationships, keeping a relationship journal is a great way to learn more about your relationship experiences.Keeping a relationship diary can help you record things that happened before you felt feelings at a certain time, help you understand the patterns of your emotional life, how objective events affect you, what makes you feel anxious, angry or what can give you You bring joy and so on.The specific format is as follows:
日期:

time:

地点:

character:

event:

Events preceding affection:
Feelings:

In this part of the diary, don't analyze emotional events, just make a list.Then, you can write all you want about these events, their impact, and your reactions.A lot of research has been done on emotions and biological clock rhythms and cycles, for example, some people say they are "lark-type" people, while others call themselves "owls".There is some truth to this statement, because everyone's (emotions) have high and low cycles throughout the day.

Once you've collected enough relationship data, try to identify your natural relationship cycles in your journal.For some people, food has a major impact on relationships.Eating sugar is a joy, but a full meal can make most people feel lethargic or depressed.Lack of sleep can also affect people's emotions, which is a major reason why mid-afternoon meetings are unproductive.

Expressing your feelings non-verbally is crucial.Body language is so informative that it is often our non-verbal communication that signals the true state of our innermost emotions and emotions.Whether it's staring out the window, fidgeting, fiddling with things, slipping feet on the floor, or constantly scanning the watch with the eyes, looking at the clock, or leaning back, these types of nonverbal behaviors can Let those who observe your behavior know something.While many behaviors occur in context, they may interpret the observation as saying that you're bored, or anxious, or that you're having trouble concentrating.

So manage your body language by paying attention not only to what you say verbally, but also to the non-verbal messages you convey to others about how you feel in the process.If you don't, there's a good chance some inappropriate body language will be used.In order to communicate better, the content of the language should be consistent with the facial expression.

If you feel that your emotional expression is not authentic or makes you feel embarrassed, you can try a word game.The basic rules of the game are described in detail below, but this game can be played in many ways, mainly to practice emotional expression.The rules are as follows:
Make some "emotional plot cards" first, then find a group of good friends or other interesting people, and start the game according to the following steps:
These people are presented with a "stage"—a couch, a living room, etc.—and one of them chooses one of the cards, reads it carefully, and puts herself into the emotional state described on the card (for him or her About 15 seconds, no more than 15 seconds);

Do not express this feeling through words.Performers are not allowed to make any sounds, but can express the emotions described on the card through facial expressions, body language and other non-verbal cues, and express their emotions within 30 seconds;

Others rate performers' performances:

1.What is the emotion expressed?
2.Are the feelings real?
The performer reads the description on the card, and others write down the emotions that the performer should have expressed; discuss and list the main emotions on the emotion card;
Each observer shares his evaluation results with others;
Ask the highest scorers the following questions:

1.What are false feelings?How did you know?
2.What is the key to nonverbal expression?
3.What about facial expressions?
4.Are you paying attention to body language?

Many people find it difficult to judge other people's feelings because they simply don't observe.It's not that they can't read how other people feel, it's that they don't know that there are important clues in the faces of the people they meet.The first step in judging your feelings is to observe the world around you, and like the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, trust in the power of observation and reasoning.Holmes can spot clues that others don't, partly because he actively seeks them out.

Accurate emotional judgment includes three aspects: facial expressions, speaking tone, rhythm and intonation, and the emotions conveyed by body posture.

Looking straight at you when someone is talking or listening usually means they like you, are interested in you, and are willing to work with you; two people who don't like each other or two people who disagree don't look very much touch.When you meet someone for the first time, if the person looks at you and smiles, it may mean that he has a good impression of you.Of course, looking directly for a long time can turn into a gaze, which in primates is seen as a threatening and dominating behavior.Staring is uncomfortable for most people, and it's only natural.

Reading people's facial expressions is especially important, and reading facial expressions is no easy task.Table 9-2 lists six major facial emotional cues that you can use as a guide for reading other people's facial expressions.

Table 9-2: Facial Expression Analysis

感情
mouth

eye

nose

Others
Happy

笑

Wrinkles around the eyes

may be active
sad
frown
eyebrow lowering
slow motion
Scared

crooked
Blink fast

angry
closed
squint
open outward
disgust
curly
wrinkled

Stick out your tongue

Surprised
Open your mouth
eyes wide open
stop motion
Perhaps, this is not entirely accurate, but it can give you the basic meaning of what these characteristics represent.Learning to observe emotional visualization hints is both the most basic and very important.

Although the intonations of different people are different, and the intonations of people with different cultural backgrounds are also different, but to accurately judge the feelings of others, it is still necessary to consider the intonation and its meaning (see Table 9-3).

Table 9-3: Intonation and Emotion
intonation
emotional meaning
monotonous
Bored

low speed and pitch
Frustrated
high speed and high pitch
enthusiasm
falling tone
Surprised
blunt language
defense
concise and loud
angry
high pitched and elongated

doubt

However, despite mastering such skills, you also need to adjust the knowledge structure and strategy rules as you accumulate more information.For example, everyone's voice has its own style, which requires processing and analysis of the corresponding changes in the voice, so that your understanding of different people will be more accurate.

The ability to read nonverbal emotional cues can also be practiced through the body gestures of others.Whether you're talking or observing, you can gauge other people's feelings through your nonverbal behavior.Table 9-4 lists different aspects of nonverbal behavior and the emotional information contained in these behaviors.

Table 9-4: Nonverbal cues
nonverbal cues
body posture
implied feelings

direction
facing you

a bit out of your way

interest
Closed
Arm
arms apart
arms folded
open

defense
posture
Lean forward

Away from you

interest
Rejection
Analyzing the facial expressions, voices, and body postures of your friends, family members, or colleagues can feel uncomfortable at first.So, practice these skills initially by watching movies: Find a movie you haven't seen before, scan the movie screen first, then stop at all the places where the characters talk, turn off the sound and just watch the picture.Watch this for 30 seconds to a minute.If there are several characters in the film, you'd better focus on one or two main characters.

At the end of the segment, stop playing and note down how you feel about the two main characters.After writing, replay the part you just watched with sound, and write down your feelings about the two main characters while watching.Compare your emotional assessments of the characters: are they similar?What emotions do you recognize through nonverbal cues?What are some feelings that you have to judge through words?Ask yourself which cues you underestimated or overestimated, and which cues you missed.

(End of this chapter)