Harvard Emotional Intelligence Class

Chapter 32 Change the Mind, Change the EQ (2)
If every time you walk into your local electronics store, you get excited about the new gadgets there and buy back something you don't really need, then plan for you to deal with the disappointment of leaving there empty-handed strategy.Just as preparation for a marathon leads to better performance, preparation for tough situations improves your ability to manage yourself when the tough times come your way.

When you can't plan ahead because emotional discomfort takes you by surprise, pause before doing anything about it.

You may need tens of seconds, a day or even weeks.If you only need a few minutes, do some deep breathing.When emotions get strong, it's best to slow down and think before moving on.

Plus, talking to yourself is a powerful way to control your next emotions and next actions.

Normally, this kind of self-talk is going on quietly in your head, and it should be directed at your desired target.Let's say you want to call a girl you know and ask for a date.If you keep saying in your head, "She's probably going to say no. Why does she have to go out with me?" then you'll never be able to date this girl.If you use some more positive self-talk, it will change the imprint on your mind.Like, "What do I have to lose by calling? If I don't call, I lose forever; maybe she'll say yes."

Talking to other people is also an excellent way to understand and manage your emotions.

Seek advice from those who might view your behavior from a more objective perspective.If the situation is extremely difficult or complex, you may want to obtain a third or fourth party opinion.There's nothing worse than getting yourself into trouble because only you have the wrong opinion.The point is that there is no need to ask other people what you should do, just ask them how they see the situation, and they will be able to give you all the information you need to manage your emotions and take yourself in the direction you want to go.

Every year on New Year's Day, more than 2 million Americans try to change their behavior in some way.Change with the help of a calendar is the best option for cleansing old accounts and inspiring people's process of change with a fresh start.But most people's enthusiasm for change never goes beyond the first few weeks of the new year.By February 1, more than 1 million people's New Year's resolutions for reform had failed as their emotional states waned.One-third of those who are determined to change can get past the most critical first six months through diligent practice, and then maintain it throughout the year.If the practice of training a behavior is long enough, it will be maintained and perpetuated.It takes tremendous effort to get a new behavior going, but once your brain is trained, it becomes a habit.Research has shown that sustained change in emotional intelligence takes a long time, and generally, after a new skill is first accepted, it takes more than six years for the new skill to become your habit.Because you no longer need to think about them, because they have become a natural part of your repertoire, you will continue to use this new skill in your daily behavior and enjoy the habit for years to come. benefit.

Your inner feelings are your inner "traffic lights."They tell you whether to go, stop, or be careful.Listen to your inner feelings. When faced with a decision—for example, a house, spouse, job, or business opinion—if your inner feelings tell you "no," then take that as a "red light." "To treat.If you're not sure, trust your feelings; at this point, it's a yellow light to be careful.You need to re-examine the riskiness of what you are doing and think about the potential consequences that may arise after making a decision.You also need to carefully examine other people's views and opinions.If you have a clear understanding of the pros and cons, then you've got the green light - something inside you tells you to move forward with - and you can give it a go.This is the source of personal strength.You have made a decision that you believe in, and you believe in the power of that to help convince others.

If you decide to move on despite the red and yellow lights in your heart, you may be in trouble making decisive decisions.You may repeatedly question your motives and the wisdom of the decisions you make, at which point you become very vulnerable to frustration.All the troubles of indecision will have the result of lack of self-confidence and increased stress.In contrast, any decision that feels confident may strengthen your resolve and will, as the poet Goethe said: As soon as you commit to action, luck begins to change.

We want to stay positive, steps to stay positive:

Step [-]: Recall a time in the past when you were confident, successful, or calm.

Step Two: Re-experience the good feelings of the time by stepping into these states and seeing, hearing and feeling what was experienced at the time.

Step Three: When the feeling is at its strongest, tie it to an image or color.

Step [-]: Add motivational self-talk to this feeling, such as "I can do this well" or "I'm ready for everything," etc.

Step [-]: Use the same image repeatedly for self-talk until you can automatically arouse that state.

(Section [-] Self-regulation
We like to use volcanic eruption as a metaphor for people getting angry, but volcanoes are lifeless, driven by natural physical forces, and can't function at all except erupting.However, we are human beings, and we have a role to play in helping us deal with our emotions because of our ability to self-regulate.

Accept your emotions and work with your emotional state instead of being stuck in it.When an emotion arises, instead of thinking, "I have to deal with my emotion now," or "I have to get this feeling out of my chest," try a different way of thinking: "I really have to deal with it now." Just deal with my emotions?", or "Do I really have to deal with my emotions?", or "If I deal with my emotions now, what will it cost me?".By delaying gratification and suppressing your urges, you achieve good self-control.Therefore, when compared with those who immediately fall into various emotions and are driven by instinct, and cannot extricate themselves, your advantage is immediately manifested.

Is there a lower limit to emotion regulation?Is it possible to put too much emphasis on the control of emotions, and there will be excessive emotional control?We're all familiar with people who are unable or unwilling to express their inner feelings, and are often labeled "conservative", "cold virgin", "wooden person" and so on.It is very easy to make fun of people who are not good at expressing emotions and emotions, and make fun of them.Similarly, it is not difficult to shed tears and cry in full view.For us, a general rule should be remembered, which is: Although some emotions in the heart make you or others feel extremely frustrated, tired and exhausted, it is always better to try to control your various emotional states. s Choice.

In sum, self-regulation is concerned with seeking to achieve a balance.Between over-regulation and under-regulation of emotions, there is a gold mine worth exploring. This gold mine is located closer to the over-regulation end of emotions and slightly away from the under-regulation end of emotions.

There is a trick to self-regulation.

1.Delayed Judgment: Curbing Impulses
The more critical you are, the more things you'll find pissing yourself off.For example, if you feel that even the various vehicles on the road, such as speeding cars, cars with only one headlight, and long-distance buses arching in the middle of crowd passages, etc., make yourself If you feel very angry and uncomfortable, then you are not far from "road mania".Surely your life would be a lot easier if you delayed giving an opinion on things occasionally instead of passing judgment on it right away.

Of course, our various instincts can bring many moments of great joy to our lives if properly directed.For example, some friends arrive unexpectedly with gifts, and they want to celebrate the friendship they have had for many years.Perhaps your reaction was to share a bottle of wine you've been hoarding for years without a second thought; what ensued was a very good night.What we see in this example is the good side of impulsive behavior.But if you develop a habit of always acting impulsively and making many hasty decisions, then your troubles begin.

Restraining impulses requires flexibility.It's a good idea to take the advice to "count all the way to 10 (or even 100)."So, why not invest some time in examining some of the irrational behaviors you have done out of impulse?In the process, reflect deeply on the consequences of these actions for you and others.You may find that many of the factors that caused you to act impulsively in the past seem so trivial in hindsight.It is often the big decisions that are made on impulse that turn out to be costly.For example, many people buy the house in a hurry just considering the economic factors, without carefully looking at the house, or carefully examining the environment and conditions of the area where the house is located.Also, I made a big mistake by moving my family to live by the sea just for summer vacation, only to find that it was too cold and quiet to live in in winter.Therefore, pay attention to those unfettered instincts and impulses deep inside you!Prevent them from clouding your sound judgment.

2.Shelving Issues: Diverting Attention

When people get irritated, it's often the people around them who tell them to "don't take things to heart" and to take their attention away from whatever is making them feel unhappy, sad.In fact, this is advising them to "put the problem aside for now", and if they have to deal with it, they will come back to solve these problems when they calm down and feel better.For example, the person upstairs is playing music so loudly into the night that you can't sleep at all; or one of your neighbors refuses to remove the fence that blocks the light.These little irritants can become a nuisance, an eyesore, and make you restless.When encountering this situation, is there an emotionally smarter way to deal with it?If so, what would it be?
What you need to do is, try hard to put those who provoke you or put them aside in advance, and ignore them for a while, preferably when you have a new perspective on the problem and then go back to them.Of course, it's easier said than done, and you can't ignore the problem completely, because if the problem is there and not solved, things will not change in any way.This is why sometimes, without overreacting in any way, you need to express your dissatisfaction and grievance appropriately and let others know how strongly you feel about things.However, you should also realize that you have good reasons and that it is time to overcome the problem that is bothering you before it affects you further.Because the river will eventually flow into the sea, you don't have to stand by and wait until the problem occurs. You can do some preventive work first.This awareness can bring you a sense of inner peace, which can be called "serene optimism".For those who are easily irritated, it is worth the effort to achieve this state.

Another way is to learn to prioritize your time instead of doing everything at once and become a prioritizer.Think about your life and what you are struggling with.Do you prioritize your time, or do you just try to get everything done at once?If the latter, are you aware that you are in a tense situation?Are there any things you can let go of for now?Is there a problem that you can divert your attention and put it aside for a while?
If you will think about the questions raised above, you will realize that it is often because we often want to get too many things done at the same time, which makes us feel nervous, restless and impulsive.So, if we spend some time thinking about it and prioritizing the things we need to do, some things will be put on the back burner, and some problems will be completely ignored.So if we think that certain things are relatively unimportant, why do we take the time to deal with them seriously?Why do we allow these things to have all kinds of bad effects on our emotions?To do this, take these two pieces of advice: "Get your affairs in order" and "Maintain a sense of harmony."

3.Express yourself assertively rather than domineeringly

It is also an effective adjustment method to harden your heart and make yourself firm and decisive, not to succumb to bad emotions such as shyness and embarrassment.But the danger in this process is that your determination to express yourself as firm and decisive in your actions becomes so strong that your emotions get the better of you, and your behavior becomes domineering or backsliding, only to again prevent you from taking the opportunity to express yourself. Own.

Therefore, it is very important to clearly distinguish between the decisive and aggressive forms of behavior.Being assertive involves respecting your own and other people's needs and feelings.You act decisively when you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, sincere manner without offending others.On the contrary, when your expression humiliates, belittles, or makes the other person unacceptable, it means that your behavior is extremely aggressive.A common pattern of aggressive behavior, and the cowardly one that manifests itself, is the obvious motive to make others look bad, saying things that hurt others without regard to the consequences.In other words, individuals who engage in aggressive behavior think only of themselves, with little or no regard for the thoughts and feelings of others, exhibiting behavior that demonstrates a lack of both self-regulation and empathy for others.

But once you learn to express yourself firmly and decisively, you can quickly form a habit, so that others can better understand you and understand you, which is quite liberating in a way.Therefore, speaking your mind calmly and politely will make you feel better and more empowered emotionally.

4.Be flexible: go with the flow and don't push things too hard
Just as a rigid object is more likely to break than a soft object, clinging to certain opinions or insisting on a particular course of action, regardless of what others are doing, can easily lead to emotional distress, whether it is for you personally or for others. pain depression.Other times, under certain circumstances, you may not be able to achieve your goals as you wish.In order to keep your emotions stable and stable, you'd better be able to recognize the facts and accept the facts.Too hard on things, sometimes it doesn't make sense at all.Because the more you push, the more frustrated you will feel, which is "bumping your head against a brick wall."So, what should you do in this situation?One way to cope with being emotionally smart is to re-examine the goals you have set and see if the paths you are seeking to reach them are appropriate.All roads lead to Rome, and different solutions can exist simultaneously to achieve a certain goal.So, it may be a better choice to change the way you do things now.

At the same time, you should also remember to try to maintain a sense of balance for yourself at all times.In our daily life, many decisions are made without fully considering the consequences, so if the final decision is not exactly in line with your expectations or wishes, it is not worth getting anxious about it .Here are some examples: Should I eat meat or fish tonight?Should you turn left or right?Should eggs be boiled in boiling water, or poached after shelling?Who cares about these issues?Maybe it's just you.If you belong to the kind of person who stares very hard at anything or everything, and is always very frustrated and angry at the situation that does not meet your requirements and does not meet your wishes, then please try to make yourself Be easygoing, and you'll find yourself less emotionally drained and irritated, and you'll appreciate the value of "going with the flow" more deeply.

(End of this chapter)