Harvard Emotional Intelligence Class

Chapter 40 My emotional intelligence is up to me (2)
Physically, there is no particular difference between being at home and working.But no matter where the pressure comes from, it will accumulate little by little.If we are already in an overstretched state, even a small annoyance can push us into the abyss.There are biochemical factors here: When the amygdala hits the brain's "panic button," it induces a steady stream of secretions of a hormone called corticotropin-releasing factor, which eventually produces a flood of stress hormones, mainly corticosteroids. alcohol.When the hormones secreted during tension reach a certain level, an order to fight or flee is issued.And once the hormones start, they stay in the body for hours, and every subsequent annoyance adds new stressors to the old ones.The continuous accumulation of hormones makes the amygdala on the verge of firing, and when it encounters a little provocation, it will fly into a rage or panic.If the pressure continues, the end result is likely to be an explosion, or worse.

There are many sources of stress, which can be roughly classified into the following four aspects.

(1) Important life events, such as the death of a loved one, marriage, childbirth, house purchase, job loss, or divorce.

(2) Sustained and unforeseen changes, such as poor relationship with superiors, difficult work tasks, and unpleasant work environment.

(3) Daily worries, such as losing or misplacing things, being stuck in traffic, worrying about losing your job, or having too much to do.

(4) Tension in interpersonal relationships at work, such as with colleagues, management, or customers.

Stress cannot be canceled, but it can be relieved or managed.People with high emotional intelligence apply the following strategies to relieve or manage stress.

(1) Meet the body's needs through exercise, rest, and enhanced nutrition.

(2) Ensure adequate sleep.

(3) Build positive relationships with family and colleagues.

(4) Do something you like every day.

(5) Enhance self-satisfaction at work, family, and leisure time.

(6) Provide positive information for yourself and others by discovering new ways to see changes.

(7) Relax completely during lunch time, avoid thinking or doing any work during this time; you can take a walk, talk with friends, read a book or stretch your waist.

(8) Take a few minutes to imagine a place of rest and tranquility, such as a beach or a stream.

If you answer more than four of the following questions in the affirmative, please consider seeking help from senior experts and psychologists.

(1) Do you feel angry with or irritated by others more than four times a day?whether

(2) In the past year, have you become indifferent to most things in your work and personal life?whether

(3) Do you feel down and unhappy most of the time?whether

(4) Have you encountered a lot of trouble at work?whether

(5) Do you feel that most people don't want to talk to you?whether

(6) Do you feel tired most of the time?whether

(7) Do you suffer from insomnia at night?whether

(8) Is there any problem with your diet?Eating too much, too little or not satisfied?whether

(9) Are you always worried about something?whether

(10) Do you always feel lonely?whether

Do you often feel like you can't take on any more work?Do you have trouble saying "no" when you need to?If you take on more work responsibilities without managing your workload, you may find that your work becomes less rewarding and less enjoyable.Over time, it can become difficult to maintain a positive and optimistic mood.Learn to harness self-confidence properly and turn the whole thing into manageable parts.

Tell your boss and colleagues as follows:
(1) Describe your unbearable job responsibilities.

(2) Explain how you and your work are affected.

(3) Provide choices.

(4) Make a promise.

Typical scheme 1:

★"I know our time is tight. There is too much work on my shoulders right now, and the quality of the work is no longer guaranteed. Can you tell me the order of priority for all projects? If allowed, I will try to find shortcuts. I The goal is to get everything done properly and on time.”★
Typical scheme 2:

★"We've been busy updating our computer systems and now we're seeing if we can break the whole project into manageable pieces. We each have our strengths and maybe we can break the work into different pieces. Some of us Get better with new software programs, and let's see how we can help each other."★
Normally, the prefrontal cortex suppresses the impulses that arise when the amygdala scans information, and uses its understanding of the rules of life to process these unanalyzed impulsive judgments with what it thinks is the most ingenious and appropriate response.This function is mainly due to a type of nerve cell that can only say "no".

Since the amygdala, the brain's alarm device, has the ability to pre-empt what it perceives as an emergency response from the prefrontal lobe, it is impossible for the prefrontal lobe to respond quickly and directly before the amygdala reacts.The prefrontal cortex, however, has a set of inhibitory neurons that thwart scrambled commands from the amygdala, like entering a password to turn off a false alarm on a home security system.

Let's take a look at what self-regulation is.

1.Self-control.A person with this ability:
(1) Can control their impulsive emotions and painful emotions;
(2) Maintain cheer, optimism, and composure even in the most difficult moments;

(3) When faced with adversity, keep a clear mind and focus.

2.integrity.A person with this ability:
(1) Do things ethically and impeccably;
(2) Earn trust by being reliable and down-to-earth;
(3) Have the courage to admit mistakes and point out the immoral behavior of others;

(4) Even if it is unpopular, it will not waver and stick to its principled position;

(5) Abide by the contract and keep the promise;

(6) In order to achieve the goal, do your due diligence.

3.due diligence.A person with this ability:
(1) The work arrangement is orderly, cautious, careful and conscientious;
(2) Strictly abide by the work and rest time;
(3) Strict self-discipline and reliable work;

(4) Work never procrastinates and delays, creating higher work performance.

4.adaptability.A person with this ability:
(1) Able to handle multiple needs with ease and prioritize things;
(2) Be able to deal with emergencies;

(3) Be able to respond in time and change strategies to adapt to the ever-changing situation;
(4) Handle things with authority and change.

5.innovation.A person with this quality:
(1) Able to find new ideas in the vast amount of information;
(2) Dare to question the original solution;

(3) Dare to put forward new viewpoints and ideas;

(4) Dare to take risks and accept new ideas.

★Enlightenment from the candy experiment
Researchers at Stanford University have done a "candy experiment" with two groups of children: the researchers brought 4-year-old children into the room one by one, put a candy on the table in front of them, and told them: "Your children can eat a lot of sugar." If you want to eat this candy now, eat it. But if you can wait until I get back from running errands, then you can have two candies."

About 14 years later, when the kids were graduating from high school, the researchers again compared those who ate the candy right away with those who waited for the teacher to return to get two candies.In contrast, the former group of children are more likely to be overwhelmed by pressure, get angry easily, often fight with others, and cannot resist the temptation when pursuing their own goals.

What surprised the researchers most was the unexpected discovery: Compared with the children who could not resist the temptation of candy, those children who could wait had a total score of 600 points in the college entrance examination, which was 210 points higher than the average score.

After these children grow up and go to work, the differences are more obvious.Those children who can resist the temptation of candy in childhood have learned more knowledge and skills when they are 28 or [-] years old. , More sense of responsibility, in the face of setbacks, but also show strong self-control.

On the contrary, those children who can't control themselves at the age of 4 and can't wait to grab candy have poorer cognitive learning ability at this time, and their emotional ability is much worse than those children who can control themselves.They are lonely, and they are not reassuring when they do things. They are not concentrating on things, and they only care about the satisfaction in front of them when they are pursuing their goals.When they encounter stress, they have poor tolerance or self-control, and they don't know how to adapt to the situation, but repeat useless work. ★
To explain why impulsivity can reduce learning ability, we have to return to the topic of amygdala and prefrontal cortex.As the source of emotional impulses, the amygdala is also the source of distraction.The prefrontal cortex is the place where working memory is stored, allowing individuals to focus on the things they are thinking about in front of them.

When controlled by emotional impulses to a certain extent, people have very little room for attention in working memory.For school-age children, it may be that they do not pay attention to the teacher's lecture, do not study hard, and fail to complete homework.If this situation continues, year after year, the academic performance will naturally be poor, and the university entrance examination scores may also be greatly worse.The same is true for those who are employed.Impulsivity and inattention prevent learning or adaptive development.

The results of the candy experiment amply reveal the costs of not being able to control emotions.

Emotional self-regulation includes not only relieving pain or suppressing impulses, but also the ability to consciously elicit an emotion, sometimes even an unpleasant emotion, as needed.For example, when doctors want to tell patients or their relatives sad news, they often put themselves in a depressed and sad mood.Likewise, the undertaker at the funeral home makes himself look sad and distressed when meeting with the family of the deceased.In retail or other service industries, waiters are everywhere expected to be courteous and friendly to customers.

Some people think that if employees are required to show certain emotions, it is actually a heavy "emotional labor" that forces employees to pay in order to keep their jobs.If the boss orders the employee to show a certain emotion, the result will only be that the employee's natural expression of emotion runs counter to the requirement.This is called the "commercialization of human emotion," and it manifests itself as a form of emotional tyranny.

If you think about it carefully, you will find that this view is only half true.The key to determining whether its emotional labor is heavy is the degree to which people identify with their own work.If a nurse herself thinks she should be caring and compassionate, taking the time to empathize with her patients with a deep heart will not be a burden to her and will make her work more meaningful.

The idea of ​​emotional self-regulation is not about denying or suppressing real emotions.For example, a "bad" mood has its uses.Anger, frustration, fear can all be creative forces or motivators to reach out to people.Anger can be a powerful motivator, especially when there is a desire to undo injustice or inequality.Sharing grief together can bring people together.The urgency that anxiety creates can also fuel innovation, as long as you don't get overwhelmed by it.

Nor does emotional self-regulation require excessive repression or control of all emotions and spontaneous impulses.In fact, over-repression can cause physical and mental damage.When people restrain their emotions, especially strong negative emotions, their heart beats faster.This is a symptom of heightened tension.Long-term emotional depression in this way will interfere with thinking, hinder intelligence, and affect normal social interactions.

How to find hope in self-created stories can be very helpful when feeling hopeless.

1.Recall a relationship conflict that you handled well—a conflict involving you and another person that was difficult at first and could have serious consequences if handled poorly, but ended up being resolved well.

2.Who are the people involved?
3.Describe some details of the time.

4.What is the reason for the emotional conflict?
5.What did everyone (including yourself) do?
6.What is the path to solve the problem?
7.What did you learn from it?
8.How did you feel when your relationship crisis was resolved?
9.Make a note of the specific circumstances of the time.Include emotional words in your notes, and use your notes to tell a story about yourself that evokes strong memories and hopes.

The story then becomes a tool to inspire positive emotions in tough times.It's best if you can tell the story quickly and vividly.Even if you're just reminded of the scene and the feeling of the story, you're already moving toward positive emotions.

With research showing that anger is generated by inner anger, it's clear that it's important to stop it before it spirals out of control.In order to do this, we first need to recognize the source of the anger.People often block their anger by going for a leisurely walk, reading, watching TV, listening to music, or doing relaxing activities.Another very useful technique is, if you know someone who has good self-control over stress, study his control style and ask yourself: If I were in the situation I am in, what would he do or say? ?

An important factor in emotional growth is inner self-talk.When we're in trouble, we might get caught up in a series of angry ruminations, such as blaming, resenting, or responding with "I'm going to get back at you."In order to effectively stop these negative responses, you should turn on the "red light" for these unhealthy thoughts as soon as possible, so that your mind can quickly enter a state of calm:
1.Think back to moments of anger you have experienced in the past.Re-experience all your thoughts, emotions and actions at that time.

2.Imagine a giant red light in front of you, and your inner world screams "Stop!"

3.Now take a deep breath and imagine yourself throwing all the negative thoughts and emotions out.

4.Picture yourself growing calmer and relaxing for a moment.Step into your body in this peaceful atmosphere and relive the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors you used to have when you were angry.

5.Repeat this exercise as needed.

(Section [-] Improving Self-Awareness
Research on emotional intelligence identifies self-awareness as a key aspect of emotional intelligence that is a stronger predictor of human success than intelligence.Self-awareness is the core ability to master oneself. Self-management first depends on self-awareness, and other skills are also closely related to self-awareness and built on the basis of self-awareness.For example, developing self-control, clarifying priorities and goals, and helping individuals establish their own direction in life.

The function of self-examination is to build the foundation for epiphanies, without which there can be no growth.

An epiphany is the "oh, now I know" feeling, and it must precede a change in behavior, consciously or unconsciously.Achieving epiphanies—realistic, honest looks at yourself, seeing yourself for who you really are—can be difficult, and sometimes you will experience mental pain, but they are the building blocks of growth.Self-examination is thus a preparation for an epiphany, the seed of self-understanding that breaks through the ground and develops into behavioral change.

Self-knowledge is at the heart of improving management skills.

We cannot improve ourselves or develop new abilities unless or until we know our current level of ability.There is ample evidence that those with a better sense of self are healthier and perform better in a variety of roles.

On the other hand, self-knowledge may hinder personal improvement rather than facilitate it.The reason is that individuals frequently avoid concerns about growth and new self-knowledge.People resist obtaining additional information in order to protect their egos or self-esteem.As Maslow pointed out: We tend to fear any realization that will make us despise ourselves or make us feel inferior, weak, worthless, evil and shame.We protect ourselves and our ideal images through repression and similar defense mechanisms, necessary techniques for avoiding truths we perceive as unpleasant or dangerous.

So the quest for self-knowledge appears to be a mystery.It is a prerequisite and motivator for growth and improvement, but it can also hinder growth and improvement.

Another important reason to focus on self-awareness is that it can help people develop the ability to judge important differences between themselves and other people with whom they interact.There is ample evidence that management effectiveness is closely related to people's ability to recognize, appreciate, and ultimately exploit key and important differences among people.

Self-knowledge helps individuals understand assumptions, trigger points, comfort zones, strengths and weaknesses that they take for granted, an understanding that is useful to all and helps us to be more effective and discerning in our interactions with other people .It can also help individuals understand more fully the value of their potential in future professional roles, and their particular advantages over others.Self-knowledge allows us to understand our special gifts and strengths and allows us to make the most of our talents.

Likewise, judging other people's fundamental differences is an important part of being an effective manager.Awareness and appreciation of other people's different perspectives, needs, and tendencies is a key part of emotional intelligence and interpersonal maturity.Differences help us understand potential sources of misunderstanding among people and give us clues about how we can work better together.However, most people have this tendency: they are willing to associate with individuals who are similar to themselves, prefer to choose individuals who are similar to themselves, and reject those individuals who are different from themselves.The history of human war and conflict attests to the fact that differences are often understood as threatening.Although cultivating similarity seems to make it easier for us to relate to other people, it also reduces our creativity and ability to solve complex problems, as well as challenge authoritative opinions on the job.

(End of this chapter)