Harvard Emotional Intelligence Class

Chapter 46 Correct understanding of self-evaluation of self (1)
The ancient Greek sage warned the world: "Know yourself".Yet this admonition is easier said than done.In reality, people often either think too highly of themselves, or underestimate themselves too much.

As a modern person, if you don't know yourself correctly, it will be difficult to find your place in society.Self-knowledge requires not only knowing one's innate qualities, but also intellectual, psychological, and physical qualities.We must also understand the education we have received, as well as the world outlook and outlook on life formed in the process of education and practice, and our own ideology and morality.Know your own scientific knowledge, professional expertise and skills, etc.

Only by correctly understanding oneself can one correctly evaluate oneself.When you have a brand-new understanding of yourself, you have to compare the conditions of other competitors to discover your strengths and weaknesses, so that you can find your position in life and work.As Nietzsche said: "As long as a wise man knows himself, he has nothing to lose."

(Section [-]: Johan’s Window Theory of Self-Knowledge

American psychologists Joe (Jone) and Han Rui (Hary) put forward a window theory about self-knowledge, which is called Qiao Han window theory.They believe that people's understanding of themselves is a process of continuous exploration.Because each person's self has four parts: the public self, the blind self, the secret self and the unknown self.By sharing the secret self with others, and reducing the blind self through the feedback of others, people will understand themselves more and more objectively.

So how do you know yourself?There are three main channels of self-knowledge:

1.Know yourself through your relationship with others
Communication with others is an important source of self-knowledge for individuals, and others are mirrors that reflect themselves.From childhood to adulthood, we expand from simple family relationships to friendly relationships outside, and experience complex interpersonal relationships when we enter society.Smart and thoughtful people can learn from others carefully from these relationships, gain enough experience, and then plan their own future according to their own needs.However, there are also some issues to be aware of when knowing yourself in relationship with others:
First, are we comparing ourselves with others on the conditions of our actions, or the results of our actions?For example, some college students come to university to study, thinking that their family conditions and economic foundation are not as good as others, and they put themselves in an inferior position from the beginning, which affects their learning mentality and emotions. In fact, what we should compare is their respective achievements after graduation, not conditions for studying at school.

Second, is the standard of comparison with others mutable or immutable?Some people often think that they are inferior to others, and they often only pay attention to unchangeable conditions such as body appearance and family background. For most people, these conditions are difficult to change, and there is no practical significance for comparison.

Third, what kind of people are you comparing yourself with?Is it a person with similar conditions to your own, or is it an idol in your own mind or a person who is not as good as yourself?Therefore, it is particularly important to establish a reasonable comparison object for self-awareness.

2.Self-knowledge from the relationship between "I" and things
Know yourself from the relationship between me and things, that is, know yourself from the experience of doing things.We can see our shortcomings and strengths through the things we have done, the results we have achieved, and our achievements.For those who are smart and make good use of their wisdom, success and failure experience can promote him to be successful again, because they understand themselves, have strong character traits, and are good at learning, so they can avoid repeating the mistakes of failure; Some of the weaker ones fail even more because they only see the negative reflected in the failure.This is also a common phenomenon.Because they can't learn lessons from failures, change strategies to pursue success, and after setbacks, they form a fear of failure, dare not face reality to deal with difficulties or challenges, and even lose many opportunities for success; In other words, success can become the source of failure.They may be arrogant because of their success, and they will be overwhelmed in doing things in the future, and often suffer more failures.

3.Self-knowledge from the relationship between "I" and oneself
It seems easy to know the self from the relationship between "I" and self, but it is very difficult to do this.We can try to understand ourselves from the following angles:

(1) Me in my own eyes.The objective self observed by individuals includes body, appearance, gender, age, occupation, personality, temperament, ability, etc.

(2) Me in the eyes of others.When interacting with others, I feel from the attitude and emotional reflection of others towards you.People with different relationships and different types of people react and evaluate themselves differently. It is an individual's understanding from the reflection of most people on himself.

(3) The self in my heart also refers to my expectation of myself, that is, the ideal me.

We can fully understand ourselves and improve ourselves through the comparative analysis of the three me in our own eyes, the me in the eyes of others, and the me in our own heart.

(Section [-] Know yourself, overcome inferiority complex

Philosophers have been advising us for thousands of years to know ourselves, but most of them interpret it as knowing only your negative side, and most self-assessments include too many flaws, mistakes, and incompetences.It's good to know your own shortcomings, but unfortunately it's hard to improve.But if you only know your negative side, it is easy to have an inferiority complex.Therefore, the root cause of inferiority complex lies in the inability to correctly understand oneself.

The greatest weakness of human beings is low self-esteem. At least 90.00% of five people will be affected by low self-esteem to some extent in their lives.Many people who cannot achieve success and happiness are mainly due to severe inferiority complex.A person with a serious inferiority complex does not necessarily mean that he himself has some kind of defect or shortcoming, but that he cannot accept himself, and often puts himself in a position that is inferior, disliked by others, and despised by others, and thus falls into an unbearable situation. self-extrication situation.The generation of inferiority complex does not come from "fact" or "experience", but from our evaluation of facts and experience.For example, I'm a bad singer or a bad dancer, but that doesn't mean I'm a "bad guy," it all depends on what standards we use to measure ourselves.The reason why inferiority complex affects our lives is not that we are inferior in intelligence or knowledge, but that we have a feeling of inferiority. This feeling often makes us unable to judge ourselves correctly and will only bring Feeling inferior.

Inferiority often brings negative impacts on our lives. For example, people with low self-esteem tend to be depressed and unhappy. They often don’t want to associate with others because they are afraid that others will look down on them. They just want to be alienated from others, so they lack friends and even blame themselves. Self-criticism; they lack confidence in doing things, have no self-confidence, are indecisive, have no sense of competition, and cannot enjoy the joy and joy of success, so they feel tired and discouraged.It can be seen that an inferiority complex will prompt a person to go downhill on the road of life, and it is a catalyst to accelerate people's aging. Therefore, we should abandon the inferiority complex, analyze ourselves objectively, know ourselves, and love ourselves.

Here are a few ways to fight low self-esteem:

1.fully understand yourself

List all your interests, hobbies, abilities, and specialties, and don't ignore even the smallest aspects.Then compare it with other peers.Through a comprehensive and dialectical view of one's own situation and the external world, one realizes that no one can be perfect, and the value of a person is mainly reflected in achieving the goal within one's ability through one's own efforts.Be objective and rational about your own failures, neither deceiving yourself nor taking them too seriously, but dealing with reality with a positive attitude.

2.Divert attention
A person can be neither perfect nor bad.Don't always focus on your own shortcomings and failures, but divert your attention and energy to the things you are most interested in and are best at. The fun and sense of accomplishment you get from them will strengthen your self-confidence and drive you away. The shadow of inferiority complex relieves your psychological pressure and tension.

3.Psychoanalysis of one's own inferiority complex

This method can be carried out with the help of a psychiatrist.The specific method is to analyze and find out the causes of inferiority complex through self-association and memories of early experiences, so as to let oneself understand that the inferiority complex is formed because of some early experiences, and the inferiority complex is based on illusion. It has nothing to do with your own reality, so it is unnecessary.This can fundamentally disintegrate the inferiority complex.

4.Prove your ability and value with actions

To see whether a person is valuable, we often judge by what he has done. How much you can accomplish is how valuable you are.Therefore, you can first choose something that you are more confident and meaningful to do, and then find a goal after it is done.In this way, you can continue to reap the joy of success, and continue to move towards higher goals in the joy of success.Every success will strengthen your self-confidence and weaken your inferiority complex, and a series of successes will strengthen your self-confidence.When you really feel that you can accomplish something, why do you have any reason to doubt your ability?
5.make up for one's own weakness
Everyone has talents in many aspects. A person is deficient in this aspect, but can seek development in another aspect.A short or overweight person may not be a model or a member of the guard of honor, but there are many jobs in the world that do not have strict requirements for body shape.As long as a person has a positive attitude and can develop his own strengths and avoid weaknesses, he will turn some of his shortcomings into a driving force for self-improvement.Because it will prompt you to pay more attention to the development direction you choose, and often lead to your development beyond ordinary people, and eventually become an outstanding person.There are countless famous examples in this regard, such as the short Napoleon, Beethoven who was short and deaf, Roosevelt who was paralyzed in the lower limbs, Konosuke Matsushita, a wealthy businessman who was struggling as a teenager, Fok Yingdong, Wang Yongqing, and Zeng Xianzi. These people either have their own defects or family defects , but they all became outstanding people, and they all changed the world in some way.

★Zhang Shibo, who is physically and mentally strong

Zhang Shibo, an outstanding Chinese-American youth.His story has spread all over the world.Zhang Shibo participated in a swimming competition when he was 13 years old. Due to the rapid jumping and jumping, his head hit the bottom of the pool, causing a broken cervical spine. The doctor finally made a cruel diagnosis: he has been paraplegic at a high level, and it is impossible to stand up again...

At first, his family couldn't accept this fact anyway, and they were immersed in pain every day.For treatment, four long iron nails went through Zhang Shibo's head. He endured the severe pain and cooperated with the doctor.Finished the last three months of the eighth grade on the hospital bed, and graduated one year early in the four-year high school course with the first grade in the school.President Bush personally presented him with the "Academic Achievement Award".His chemistry teacher Evansky asked him why he was so desperate and strong?He said: I have a secret, please don't tell my family members.This secret moved Evansky very much, and he wrote a touching letter of recommendation for Zhang Shibo.This letter made the four world-renowned heads of Stanford University, Harvard University, University of Pennsylvania and University of California, Berkeley shed tears, and at the same time sent an invitation to Zhang Shibo to enroll.Zhang Shibo finally chose Stanford University.Zhang Shibo completed two years of university courses in one year, skipping the master's degree and directly entering the doctoral program of Stanford University.

What was the secret that moved his chemistry teacher so much?Zhang Shibo replied: The doctor once quietly told me that a paraplegic has a shorter life expectancy than ordinary people, and it is very difficult to do anything. You must cherish life!I didn't tell my family because I was afraid they would be upset.Instead, I made up my mind that I firmly believe that the potential and value of my life are not and will not be "paraplegic".I must learn what I want to learn in my short life, do what I want to do, and give back to the society and help others... ★
Like the celebrities we talked about, Zhang Shibo proved his worth through his own efforts. He did not bow to fate, but achieved results with firm belief and confidence.

6.Overturning an Introverted Self-Image
Everyone should be their own master and be the navigator of their own life.No one can determine your destiny more than yourself.Therefore, whether you are introverted or not is not God's arrangement, but your own arrangement, but your own decision.When you identify yourself as an introvert, you give yourself a closed-off self-image.And once this image label enters your subconscious mind, it in turn constrains your behavior.Those who lack confidence in their social interaction may wish to list all the friends they have known since they can remember. You will be surprised that you have such a wide range of communication.Especially think about your good friends. Since you can establish good interpersonal relationships and deep friendship with so many people, it is enough to prove that you are not introverted and not sociable.

What God has given to each of us is our capital, which can be fully utilized to realize self-worth.We don't have to complain about the status quo, as long as you cherish what you have, give full play to its role, give full play to your own advantages and potentials, and realize its value from now on, you will be able to overcome inferiority complex and find yourself.Because what can reflect one's own value is not those external and superficial things, but connotation, cultivation, and moral character.These three seemingly identical words express the three elements of being a human being.

(End of this chapter)