Samayoi

Chapter 12 The Lonely Man (2)
"I didn't know about those past events. It's just that I found it incomprehensible when I was a child. At that time, my father was still alive and my family was in good condition. During the first month, the statue of the ancestor must be hung and made a grand offering. Looking at these many Portraits in costumes seemed to be a rare sight for me at that time. But at that time, a female worker holding me always pointed to a portrait and said, "This is your own grandmother."

Goodbye, bless you to grow up like a dragon and a tiger. 'I really don't understand how I can have a 'grandmother of my own' when I have a grandmother.But I love this 'my own grandmother', she is not as old as the grandmother in the family; she is young, good-looking, wearing a red dress painted with gold, and wearing a beaded crown, which is similar to my mother's image.When I looked at her, her eyes were fixed on me, and a smile gradually appeared on the corner of her mouth: I know she must also love me very much.

"However, I also love the grandmother who sits under the window all day and slowly sews. Although no matter how happy I am in front of her, I can't make her laugh. It often makes me feel cold, It's a little different from other people's grandmothers. But I still love her. But later, I gradually alienated her; it's not because I got older and knew she was not my father's biological mother. Doing needlework is like a machine, so it is inevitable to be annoying. But she is still the same as before, doing needlework; she manages me and loves me. Although she rarely smiles, she doesn't scold me. Until my father died, she was still like this; afterward , we lived almost entirely by her sewing, and of course even more so, until I went to school..."

The lamp was down and the kerosene was almost dry, so he stood up and took out a small tin pot from under the bookshelf to add kerosene.

"In this month alone, the price of kerosene has risen twice..." He turned on the lamp and said slowly. "Life will become more and more difficult every day.——She was still like this until I graduated and had something to do, and her life was more stable than before; probably until she fell ill and couldn't bear it any longer, so she had to lie down. ... "Her old age, as far as I think, is not very hard, and her life is not too young, so I don't need to cry.Besides, aren't there many people who cry?Even the people who had tried their best to bully her before cried, at least their faces were miserable.Ha ha!But at that time, somehow, I shrunk her life in front of my eyes, created loneliness with my own hands, and put it in my mouth to chew the life of a person.And I think there are many such people.These people made me cry, but most of it was because I was too emotional at the time... "What you think of me now is what I thought of her before. But my opinion at that time was actually not right It is myself, since I knew a little about the world, I have gradually become estranged from her..."

He was silent, holding a cigarette between his fingers, lowered his head, thinking.The lights were trembling slightly.

"Oh, it's not easy for a person to make no one cry for him after death."

He said as if talking to himself; after a short pause, he raised his face and said to me, "You can't even think about it. I have to find something to do..."

"Do you have no trustworthy friends anymore?" I just couldn't think about it at this time, even myself.

"There are probably a few more, but their situation is similar to mine..."

When I said goodbye to Lian Shu and went out, the full moon had already risen in the middle of the sky, and it was an extremely quiet night.

The state of education in Sanyo is very poor.I went to school for two months and didn't get a single penny of salary, so I had to save even cigarettes.But the people in the school, even though they are small employees with a monthly salary of fifteen or sixteen yuan, are not optimistic about their fate. Relying on the copper tendons and iron bones of their success, they work sallow and emaciated from morning to night. Tall people have to stand up respectfully. In fact, they are all people who don't need to "know etiquette without enough food and clothing".Every time I see this situation, somehow I always remember the words that Lian Shu entrusted me at parting.At that time, his livelihood was even worse, embarrassment appeared from time to time, and he seemed not as deep as before. Knowing that I was about to leave and came to visit late at night, he hesitated for a long time before he said hesitatingly:

"I don't know if there is a way to think about it? - It's just banknotes, and 30 yuan on January [-] is fine. I..."

I was very surprised, I didn't expect him to be so accommodating, and I was speechless for a while.

"I, I still have a few days to live..."

"Go over there and have a look, and try your best."

This was the answer that I took to heart that day, and I often heard it myself later, and at the same time, Lian Shu's face appeared in front of my eyes, and he said "I still have a few days to live" hesitantly.At this point, I tried to recommend it to various places; but what effect is there, there are many people with few things, and the result is that when others send me a few words of apology, I will send him a few letters of apology.Towards the end of the semester, the situation worsened.In the "Scholarly Weekly" run by some gentlemen in that place, they started to attack me. Naturally, they never named me, but the wording was very clever, making people feel that I was picking on the student movement and even recommending it. Things can be regarded as calling friends.

I had no choice but to stay still, except when I was in class, I closed the door and hid. Sometimes even cigarette smoke slipped out of the window, for fear of being suspected of picking on students.The matter of Lian Shu is naturally impossible to talk about.And so on until deep winter.

It snowed all day, and it didn't stop until night. Everything outside the house was extremely quiet, so quiet that you could hear the sound of silence.In the light of the small lights, I closed my eyes and sat there, like seeing snowflakes falling to supplement the endless snowdrifts; my hometown is also preparing for the New Year, and people are very busy; I am still a child, in the back garden On the flat place, a group of children molded snow arhats.Xue Luohan's eyes were inlaid with two small pieces of charcoal, the color was very black, and with the flickering, his eyes changed into Lian Shu's eyes.

"I still have a few days to live!" Still the same voice.

"Why?" I asked for no reason, and immediately felt ridiculous even to myself.

This ridiculous question woke me up, I sat up straight, and lit a cigarette; when I opened the window and looked, it was snowing harder.Someone knocked on the door; after a while, a person walked in, but he heard the familiar footsteps of the house servant.He pushed open the door of my room and handed me a six-inch-long letter with very scribbled handwriting, but at a glance he recognized the word "Wei Jian" and it was from Lian Shu.

This is the first letter he wrote to me since I left 3 cities.I know he is lazy, and I am not surprised that there is no news, but sometimes I also blame him for not giving any news.When I received the letter, I felt strange for no reason, and hurriedly opened it.The same scribbled font was also used inside, with the following words written:

"Shen Fei..." What do I call you?I am empty.Whatever you want to call it, you can add it yourself.I can do both.

"After the farewell, I got three letters, but no reply. The reason is very simple: I don't even have the money to buy stamps.

"You may want to know something about me. Let me just tell you now: I failed. Before, I thought I was a loser, but now I know that's not the case. Now I am really a loser. Before, there were people who wanted me to live for a few days. I also wanted to live for a few days, but I couldn't live; now, I don't need it, but I want to live..."But live?

"If you want me to live for a few days, you won't be able to. This man has been trapped and killed by the enemy. Who killed him? No one knows.

"How quickly my life has changed! In the past six months, I have almost begged. In fact, I can be counted as begging. However, I still have something to do. I am willing to beg for it, starve for it, be lonely for it, and work hard for it. But death is unwilling. You see, there is one person who is willing to live for a few days, and that is so powerful. But now there is no more, not even this one. At the same time, I myself feel unworthy to live; what about others I don’t deserve it. At the same time, I feel that I have to live for those who don’t want me to live. Fortunately, there are no one who wants me to live well, and no one is sad. To make such people feel sad, I I don't want to. But now there is none, not even this one. Very happy, very comfortable; I have practiced everything I once hated and opposed, and rejected everything I once admired and advocated. Yes. I have really failed,—yet I have won.

"Do you think I've gone crazy? Do you think I've become a hero or a great man? No, no. It's very simple; I have recently become a consultant to Mr. Du, and my monthly salary is 80 yuan. up.

"Shenfei..." What do you want me for? You decide for yourself, and I can do it.

"You probably remember my old living room, the living room when we first met and parted in the city.

I still use this living room now.There are new guests, new gifts, new praises, new drills, new kowtows and arches, new card games and finger guessing, new cold eyes and nausea, new insomnia and vomiting blood... "Your previous letter said you Teaching is very unsatisfactory. Would you like to be a consultant? You can tell me, and I will do it for you. In fact, it’s okay to be a concierge, as there will be new guests, new gifts, and new compliments... "It’s snowing heavily here.How are you?It is now late at night, and I spit out two mouthfuls of blood, which woke me up.I remember that you have sent me three letters since autumn, how amazing this is.I must send you some news, and perhaps you will not gasp.

"After that, I probably won't write letters anymore. You already know my habit. When will I come back? If it's early, I'll see you again. But I think we probably didn't go all the way; then, please Forget me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you used to plan my life before. But forget me now; I'm 'well' now.

Even die.December fourteenth. "

(End of this chapter)