Samayoi

Chapter 8
—— Juan Sheng's Notes
If I could, I would write down my regrets and sorrows, for Zijun and myself.

The shabby house in the guild hall that was forgotten in the remote place was so silent and empty.How time flies, I love Zijun, escaped from this silence and emptiness by relying on her, it has been a full year.It was so unfortunate that when I came back, this room was the only one that was empty.It is still the same broken window, the half-dead locust tree and old wisteria outside the window, the square table in front of the window, the ruined wall, and the plank bed next to the wall.Lying on the bed alone in the middle of the night, just like before I lived with Zijun, all the time in the past year has been wiped out, nothing has happened, I have never moved out of this dilapidated house, and founded a hopeful company in Jizhao Hutong small family.

not only.A year ago, this silence and emptiness was not like this, and it was often filled with anticipation; looking forward to Zijun's arrival.In the long-awaited anxiety, the sound of the high soles of the leather shoes touching the brick road made me suddenly come alive!Then I saw a pale round face with dimples, pale and thin arms, a cloth striped shirt, and a black skirt.

She brought the new leaves of the half-dead locust tree outside the window, so that I could see that there were also rooms of purple and white wisteria flowers hanging on the old iron-like trunks.

But now, only the silence and emptiness remain, but Zijun will never come again, and forever, forever!When Zijun was not in my shabby house, I couldn't see anything.In the midst of boredom, I grabbed a book by chance, whether it was science or literature, everything was the same anyway; I read on, and suddenly I felt that I had turned over ten pages, but I couldn’t remember everything in the book. things to say.It's just that the ears are very sharp, as if hearing all the footsteps coming and going outside the gate, from which there is Zijun, and he is gradually approaching, but, often gradually fades away, and finally disappears in the clutter of other footsteps bingo.I hate the son of the long class who wears cloth-soled shoes that doesn't sound like Zijun's shoes, and I hate the little cream-applied thing in the neighboring yard who often wears new leather shoes that sounds too much like Zijun's shoes!
Could it be that she overturned the car?Could it be that she was hit by a tram?I was about to take off my hat to see her, but her uncle scolded me to my face.

Suddenly, the sound of her shoes approached, one step at a time, and when she went out to meet her, she had already passed under the wisteria shed, with a dimpled smile on her face.She probably didn't get angry at her uncle's house; my heart calmed down, and after I looked at each other silently for a while, the dilapidated house gradually filled with my voice, talking about family autocracy, breaking old habits, and talking about equality between men and women , talk about Ibsen, talk about Tagore, talk about Shelley... She always smiles and nods, her eyes filled with childish curiosity.Nailed to the wall was a brass bust of Shelley, cut out of a magazine, the finest of his portraits.When I pointed it out to her, she only glanced at it briefly, then lowered her head, as if embarrassed.In these places, Zijun probably hasn’t completely shaken off the shackles of old ideas—I later thought, it would be better to replace it with a commemorative portrait of Shelley drowning in the sea or Ibsen; , Now even this one does not know where to go.

"I am my own, and none of them has the right to interfere with me!"

This is what she said clearly, resolutely, and quietly after we had been dating for half a year and talked about her uncle who was here and her father who was at home.At that time, I had already expressed my opinions, my life experience, and my shortcomings, and I seldom concealed them; she also fully understood.These few words shocked my soul, and they still rang in my ears for many days afterwards, and I was indescribably ecstatic. Knowing that Chinese women are not as helpless as the world-weary family said, in the not-too-distant future, We will see the glorious dawn.

To send her out, as usual, we were more than ten steps away from each other; as usual, the face of the old catfish-whiskered thing was pressed against the dirty windowpane again, and even the tip of his nose was squeezed into a small plane; The little thing's face in the shining glass window, thickened with cream.She walked away proudly without turning her eyes away, without seeing it; I came back proudly.

"I am my own, and none of them has the right to interfere with me!" This thorough thought was in her mind, much clearer and stronger than mine.What could a half bottle of cream and a facet on the tip of her nose be to her?

I can no longer remember how I expressed my innocent and passionate love to her at that time.Not only now, but what happened at that time has become blurred afterwards. Looking back at night, there are only some fragments left; after living together for a month or two, even these fragments have turned into untraceable dream shadows.I only remember that in the ten days before that time, I had carefully studied the attitude expressed, arranged the order of words, and the situation if I was rejected.But it seemed to be useless for the time being. In my panic, I couldn't help but used the method I had seen in the movie.When I thought about it later, it made me feel very ashamed, but in my memory, this is the only thing left forever, and it is still like a lonely lamp in a dark room, seeing me holding her hand with tears in my eyes, and kneeling down on one leg... Not only my own, but also Zijun's words and actions, I didn't see clearly at that time; I only knew that she had allowed me.But I still seem to remember that her face turned blue and white, and then gradually turned crimson again--a crimson that I have never seen before, and I will never see you again; there was sadness and joy in her child-like eyes, but there was a light of surprise, although I tried my best to avoid my eyes. The line of sight seemed to fly away through the window in a panic.Yet I knew she had given me permission, not what she said or didn't say.

But she remembers everything: my words are so familiar that I can recite them eloquently; my actions are like a video that I can't see hanging in front of my eyes, and the narration is very subtle and natural Not even that flick of a shallow movie that makes me stop thinking about it.In the dead of night, it was time for relative revision. I was often questioned, tested, and ordered to repeat what I said at the time, but she often had to make up and correct me, just like a junior student.

This review gradually became rarer later.But as long as I see her staring at the sky, thinking in a trance, her expression becomes softer and her smile deepens, then I know she is studying the old lessons by herself again, but I am afraid that she will see my ridiculous face. A flash of the movie.But I also know that she must see it, and she must see it.

She didn't find it ridiculous, however.Even if I thought it was ridiculous, even despicable, she never thought it was ridiculous.I know this very clearly, because she loves me so passionately and so purely.

The late spring of last year was the happiest and busiest time.My heart calmed down, but another part got busy with my body.We were just walking together on the road at this time, and we have been to the park a few times, most of which were looking for a place to live.I felt that when I encountered probing, ridiculing, obscene and contemptuous gazes on the road, my whole body shrank a little if I was not careful, so I had to immediately raise my pride and resistance to support it.But she is fearless, she doesn't care about these at all, she just moves forward calmly and slowly, as calm as entering a land where no one is there.

Finding a place to live is really not an easy task, most of it is rejected on excuses, and the other half is because we think it is not suitable.At first we chose harshly,—and not harshly, because it probably didn't look like a place for us to live in; later, it was only compatible with them.After looking at more than 20 places, I found a place that I could deal with temporarily, which were the two south rooms in a small house in Jizhao Hutong.He only has his wife and a girl who is less than one year old, and he hires a female worker from the country. As long as the child does not cry, he is extremely peaceful and quiet.

Our furniture is very simple, but most of the money I raised has been used up; Zijun also sold her only gold ring and earrings.I stopped her, but I still decided to sell it, so I didn't insist on it anymore; I knew that if I didn't add some shares to her, she would be uncomfortable.

She had quarreled with her uncle long ago, and he was so angry that he no longer recognized her as his niece; I also broke up with a few friends who thought they were advising me, but were actually timid on my behalf, or were actually jealous.It was quiet, however.After work is over every day, although it is almost dusk, and the coachman must go so slowly, there is still time for the two of them to meet each other.We first looked at each other in silence, then we had a relaxed and intimate conversation, and then we were silent again.Everyone bowed their heads in thought, but didn't think about anything.I also gradually read through her body and soul soberly. In just three weeks, I seem to have understood her better, and I have removed many barriers that I thought I understood but now seem to be barriers, that is, the so-called real barriers.

Zijun also became active day by day.But she doesn't like flowers. The two pots of small grass flowers I bought at the temple fair died in the corner without watering for four days, and I didn't have the time to take care of everything.However, she loves animals, maybe she got it from the official's wife. Within a month, our family suddenly increased a lot. Four little chickens walked in the small yard with the owner's dozen or so.But they knew the appearance of the chicken, and each knew which one belonged to them.There was also a grey-and-white lapdog, which I bought from a temple fair. I remember it had the original name, but Zijun gave it another name, A Sui.I just called it A Sui, but I don't like the name.

It is true that love must always renew, grow, create.When I mentioned this to Zijun, she nodded in understanding.

Oh, what a peaceful and happy night it was!

Tranquility and happiness must be solidified, and such tranquility and happiness will last forever.When we were in the guild hall, there were occasional conflicts of discussion and misunderstandings, but since we arrived in Jizhao Hutong, even this has disappeared; we only sat in the nostalgic story under the lamp, reminiscing about the reconciliation after the conflict at that time. The fun of rebirth.

Zijun actually gained weight, and his face turned red; it's a pity that he was busy.After taking care of the housework, I don't even have time to chat, let alone study and take a walk.We used to say we'd have to hire a maid again.

This made me unhappy too. When I came back in the evening, I saw that she was hiding her unhappiness. What made me especially unhappy was that she had to put on a forced smile.Fortunately, it was found out, and it was still a secret fight with the little official's wife, and the fuse was the little chickens of the two families.But why insist on not telling me?Everyone should have an independent family.Such a place is uninhabitable.

My path has also been set, six days a week, from home to bureau, and from bureau to home.In the bureau, I would sit at the desk and write papers and letters; at home, I would meet her or help her light the white stove, cook rice, and steam steamed buns.I learned to cook at this time.

But my food is much better than in the guild hall.Although cooking is not Zijun's specialty, she devotes all her energy to it; I have to worry about her day and night, and I have to worry about it together, which can be counted as sharing joys and sorrows.Besides, she was sweating all day long, and her short hair was sticking to her forehead; her hands were just rough like this.

Besides, it is her job to feed Ah Sui and chickens.I once warned her: I don't eat, it's fine; but don't work like this.She just glanced at me and didn't speak, but her expression seemed a little sad; I had no choice but to keep silent.Yet she worked so hard.

The blow I expected came true.The night before the Double Tenth Festival, I sat blankly while she was washing the dishes.Hearing the knock on the door, when I went to open it, it was the messenger from the bureau who handed me a mimeographed note.I had expected it a little bit, and looked under the lamp, and sure enough, it was printed: According to the director's order, Shi Juan was born and did not need to come to the bureau to do business. The secretariat opened on October [-]th. It's the gambler of the chief's son, so he must add some rumors and try to report it.It is too late for the effect to take place now.In fact, this is not a blow to me, because I have decided long ago that I can write for others, or teach reading, or even though it is laborious, I can also translate some books. Besides, the editor-in-chief of "Friends of Freedom" has seen I have been acquaintances for several times, and we still passed letters two months ago.But my heart was beating.The change of color of such a fearless Zijun made me especially sad; she also seems to be more timid lately.

"What's that. Well, we're doing something new. We're..." she said.

She didn't finish her sentence; somehow, the voice was just floaty to me; the lights also felt extraordinarily dim.People are ridiculous animals, and the smallest things can have a profound impact.We first looked at each other silently, gradually discussed it, and finally decided to try our best to save the existing money. While posting "small advertisements" to seek banknote writing and teaching reading, we wrote to the editor-in-chief of "Friends of Freedom" to explain my For the current encounter, I ask him to accept my translation and give me a little help in difficult times.

"Just do what you say! Let's open a new road!"

I immediately turned to the desk, pushed away the bottle of sesame oil and the saucer of vinegar, and Zijun sent the dim lamp.I first drew up advertisements; secondly, I selected books that could be translated, and I hadn’t read them since the migration, and each book was covered with dust; lastly, I wrote letters.

I hesitated a lot, not knowing what to say, and when I stopped writing to contemplate, I glanced at her face in the blink of an eye, and under the dim light, it looked very sad.I really didn't expect that such a small matter could bring about such a remarkable change in a resolute and fearless Zijun.She has really become very timid lately, but it didn't start tonight.As a result, my mind was even more confused, and suddenly there was an image of a peaceful life-the silence of the dilapidated house in the hall, flashing in front of my eyes, and I just wanted to stare intently, but saw the dim light again.

After a long time, the letter was completed, and it was quite a long letter; I felt very tired, as if I had become more timid recently.

So we decided that advertising and sending letters will be carried out together tomorrow.Everyone straightened their waists in unison, and in silence, they seemed to feel each other's perseverance and strength, and they also saw the newly sprouted hope for the future.

The blows from outside actually lifted our new spirits.Life in the bureau is like a bird in the hands of a bird dealer, with only a little millet to survive, and it will never be fat; after a long time, only its wings are paralyzed, and even if it is released from the cage, it has long been unable to fly.Now at last out of this cage, I shall soar in new open skies, before I forget the beating of my wings.

Small advertisements will naturally not be effective for a while; but translating books is not an easy task. If you read it before and think you already understand it, when you start it, you will be full of difficulties and progress very slowly.However, I am determined to work hard. A half-new dictionary has a large black finger mark on the side in less than half a month, which proves that my work is real. The editor-in-chief of the "Friends of Liberty" once said that his publication would never bury good manuscripts.

It's a pity that I don't have a quiet room, and Zijun is not as quiet and considerate as before. The room is always scattered with dishes and filled with soot, which makes people unable to do things with peace of mind. I can't afford a study myself.However, A Sui was added, and oil chickens were added.In addition, the oil chickens have grown up again, and they are more likely to become the spark of quarrel between the two families.

In addition to the daily "continuous flow" of meals; Zijun's achievements seem to be completely built on this meal.After eating, raising money, raising money to eat, and feeding Ah Sui, the oily chicken; she seemed to have forgotten everything she knew before, and she didn't expect that my thoughts would often be interrupted because of this urging to eat.Even if she showed a little anger while sitting, she never changed, she still chewed without feeling anything.

It took five weeks to make her understand that my work cannot be restricted by the prescribed food.After she understood it, she was probably very upset, but she didn't say anything.As a matter of fact, my work has been progressing relatively quickly since then, and soon I have translated a total of [-] words. As long as I polish it once, I can send it to "Friends of Freedom" together with the two completed essays.It still bothers me just to eat.It doesn't matter if the food is cold, but there isn't enough; sometimes there isn't even enough rice, although my appetite has been much reduced than before because I sit at home and use my brain all day long.This is to feed Ah Sui first, and sometimes the mutton that even I don't eat easily these days.She said that Ah Sui was so pitifully thin that the landlady laughed at us because of it, and she couldn't bear such ridicule.

So the only ones who eat my remnants are chickens.It took me a long time to realize this, but at the same time, like Huxley's thesis of "the position of human beings in the universe", I realized my position here: it is just between a bulldog and a chicken.

Later, after many times of struggle and urging, the oily chickens gradually became delicacies. We and Ah Sui both enjoyed fresh fat for more than ten days; but they were actually very thin, because they could only get a few grains of sorghum a day. .It's been much quieter since then.Only Zijun was depressed, and seemed to often feel miserable and bored, so he was reluctant to speak.I think how easy it is for people to change!
(End of this chapter)