Samayoi

Chapter 9
But A Sui won't be able to stay anymore.We could no longer hope for letters from somewhere, and Zijun had no food to make him arch or stand upright.Winter is approaching so quickly, and the stove will become a big problem; its food intake, in fact, has long been a very heavy burden for us.So even it couldn't stay.

If we planted straw signs and sold them in temple markets, we might get a few pennies, but neither of us can, nor do we want to do so.Finally, I covered my head with a bundle, and I took him to the western suburbs to let him go. If I wanted to catch up, I pushed him into a not very deep pit.

Once I returned to my apartment, I felt much quieter again; but Zijun's miserable expression surprised me.It was a look he had never seen before, and it was naturally for Ah Sui.But so what?I haven't said anything about being pushed in a pit.

At night, a cold element was added to her miserable look.

"Strange.——Zijun, why are you like this today?" I couldn't help asking.

"What?" She didn't even look at me.

"Your face..."

"Nothing,—nothing."

I finally figured out from her words and actions that she had probably decided that I was a cruel person.In fact, it is easy for me to live alone. Although I have never been in touch with the world because of pride, and I have alienated all old acquaintances after I moved, but as long as I can fly far away, my life is very broad.Now he is enduring the oppressive pain of this life, mostly because of her, even if he lets go of Ah Sui, it is not the same.But Zijun's knowledge seems to be only superficial, so that he can't even think of this.

I took an opportunity to hint these principles to her; she nodded as if she understood.However, judging from her later situation, she didn't understand, or didn't believe it.

The cold weather and the cold look forced me to not settle down in my family.But where?On the avenue and in the park, although there is no icy expression, the cold wind still pricks people's skin to tears.I finally found my paradise in popular libraries.

There is no need to buy a ticket; there are two iron stoves in the reading room.Even if it's just a stove burning with immortal coals, just seeing it puts it on, and one always feels warm in spirit.But there are no books to read: the old ones are stale, and the new ones are almost non-existent.

Fortunately, I didn't go there to read a book.In addition, there are often a few people, up to a dozen or so, all in thin clothes, just like me, each reading each other's books as an excuse to keep warm.This is especially fitting for me.It is easy to meet acquaintances on the road and get a contemptuous glance, but there is no such accident here, because they are always around other iron stoves, or leaning against their own white stove.

Although there are no books for me to read there, there is still room for me to think about it.It was only when I sat alone and looked back on the past that I felt that for half a year, I had neglected all other essentials of life just for the sake of love——blind love.The first is life.People must live, and love can be attached.The world is not without a way of life for those who struggle; I haven't forgotten the flapping of my wings, although it is much more depressed than before... The house and readers gradually disappeared, and I saw fishermen in the raging waves, soldiers in the trenches, The nobles on motorcycles, the speculators on foreign markets, the heroes in deep mountains and dense forests, the professors on the podium, the late-night sportsmen and late-night thieves... Zijun is not around.She lost all her courage, and only grieved over Ah Sui, and was obsessed with cooking; but the strange thing was that she didn't lose weight... When it got cold, the few pieces of hard coal in the stove, which were neither dead nor alive, also faded away. Finally burned out, it is time to close the museum.We have to go back to Jizhao Hutong again to enjoy the cold colors.Recently, I also occasionally encountered warm expressions, but this only increased my pain.

I remember that one night, Zijun's eyes flashed a childish light that I hadn't seen for a long time, and he smiled and talked to me about the situation when he was still in the guild hall, with a look of horror from time to time.I knew that my recent indifference to her had aroused her concern, so I tried my best to talk and laugh, trying to give her some comfort.However, as soon as my smile appeared on my face and my words came out, they immediately turned into emptiness, and this emptiness immediately reverberated, returning to my ears and eyes, and giving me an embarrassing and vicious sneer.Zijun seemed to feel it too, and since then she has lost her usual numb composure. Although she tried her best to hide it, she always showed a suspicious expression from time to time, but she was much gentler to me.

I want to tell her clearly, but I haven't dared yet. When I was determined to speak, I saw her childish eyes, so I had to temporarily change into a forced smile.But it immediately came to mock me, and made me lose my cold composure.

From then on, she began to review the past and new tests, forcing me to give many hypocritical and tender answers, and to show her the tenderness, the hypocritical draft was written in my heart.My heart is gradually filled with these drafts, and I often find it difficult to breathe.In my distress, I often think that it takes great courage to tell the truth; if you don't have this courage, and you are content with hypocrisy, then you will not be able to open up a new way of life.Not only this, but even this person!
Zijun has a look of resentment, in the morning, a very cold morning, this is something I have never seen before, but maybe it is the look of resentment from my point of view.I was coldly annoyed and laughed to myself at the time; the thoughts she had honed and her open-minded and fearless speech were, after all, still a void, and she was not aware of this void.She has long since stopped reading any books, and she no longer knows that survival is the first step in human life, and that one must walk hand in hand or go alone on this road of survival, if only one knows how to beat the hem of a person's clothes , that is, it is difficult for soldiers to fight, so they have to perish together.

I think the new hope lies only in our separation; she should give up resolutely——I also suddenly thought of her death, but immediately blamed myself and repented.Fortunately, it is morning, and there is plenty of time, so I can say my truth.It is at this time that our new path is opened.

I chatted with her, deliberately brought up our past, mentioned literature and art, and then involved foreign literati and their works:

"Nora", "The Woman of the Sea".Calling Yannola's decisiveness...the same as the words I spoke in the shabby room of the guild hall last year, but now they have become empty, passing from my mouth to my ears, and I always suspect that there is an invisible bad boy who is here. Maliciously imitating the tongue behind his back.

She still nodded in agreement to listen, and then fell silent.I also finished my words intermittently, and even the lingering sound disappeared into the void.

"Yes." She was silent for a while, and said, "But, Juansheng, I think you've changed a lot recently. But you? You——you tell me the truth."

I felt that this seemed to be a blow to my head, but I immediately settled down and expressed my opinions and opinions: opening up new paths, rebuilding new lives, so as not to perish together.

At the end of the day, with great determination, I added these few words:

"...Besides, you can go forward without any worries. You want me to be honest; yes, people shouldn't be hypocritical. Let me be honest: because, because I don't love you anymore! But it's good for you more, because you can do things without any worries..."

At the same time, I expected the arrival of a big change, but there was only silence.Her complexion suddenly turned gray and yellow, as if she had died; she came back to life in an instant, and her eyes shone with a childish sparkle.This look is cast about, like a child seeking a loving mother in hunger and thirst, but only in the air, avoiding my eyes in horror.

I couldn't read any more, but fortunately it was morning, and I braved the cold wind and headed for the popular library.

Saw "Friends of Liberty" there, and all my essays were published.This startled me, as if annoyed a little.I think there are still many ways to go in life——but this is still not enough.

I began to visit long-lost acquaintances, but only once or twice; their houses were naturally warm, but I felt cold in my bones.At night, they curl up in a cold room that is colder than ice.

The needles of ice pierced my soul and made me suffer from numb pain forever.There are still many ways to live, and I haven't forgotten the flapping of my wings, I think. ——I suddenly thought of her death, but immediately blamed myself and repented.

There is often a glimpse of light in an ordinary library, and a new way of life lies ahead.She came to her senses bravely, walked out of this cold home resolutely, and--without a look of resentment.I am as light as a cloud, floating in the sky, with the blue sky above, the deep mountains and the sea below, high-rise buildings, battlefields, motorcycles, foreign markets, mansions, sunny downtowns, dark nights... And, really, I hope I feel that this new face is coming.

We finally survived the extremely unbearable winter, this winter in Beijing; like a dragonfly in the hands of a mischievous child, we were tied up with strings, played with and abused to our heart's content, although fortunately we did not lose our lives, the result was also Still lying on the ground, only fighting for a time sooner or later.

I wrote three letters to the editor-in-chief of "Friends of Liberty" before I got a reply, and there were only two book coupons in the envelope: a two-pointed one and a three-cornered one.But I spent nine cents of the postage stamp just to urge me, and the hunger for a day was in vain, giving me the emptiness of having nothing to gain.

However, what I thought was coming has finally arrived.

This was at the turn of winter and spring, the wind was no longer so cold, and I wandered outside for a longer time; when I got home, it was probably already dark.On such a dark night, I came back listlessly as usual, and when I saw the door of the apartment, I was even more depressed as usual, so I slowed down my steps even more.But I finally walked into my own room, there was no light; when I touched a match to light it up, it was strangely lonely and empty!

In my astonishment, Mrs. Guan came to the window and told me to go out.

"Zijun's father came here today and took her back." She said simply.

This didn't seem to be what I expected, so I stood speechless as if I had been hit in the back of the head.

"Has she gone?" After a while, all I could ask was this sentence.

"She went."

"She—what can she say?"

"I didn't say anything. I just asked me to tell you when I saw you back that she had gone."

I don't believe it; but the room is strangely lonely and empty.I looked everywhere, looking for Zijun; I saw only a few pieces of dilapidated and dingy furniture, all of which looked extremely sparse, proving that they had no ability to hide anyone or anything.I turned to look for the letter or the handwriting she left, but there was nothing there; it was just salt and dried chili, flour, and half a cabbage, all gathered in one place, with dozens of copper coins beside it.This is all the living materials of the two of us, and now she solemnly leaves it to me alone, without saying a word, teaching me to use it to maintain a longer life.

I seemed to be squeezed out by my surroundings, and ran to the middle of the yard, and there was darkness around me; the paper windows of the main room reflected bright lights, and they were teasing the children to push and laugh.My heart also calmed down, and I felt that under the heavy oppression, the path to escape gradually appeared: deep mountains and marshes, foreign markets, feasts under electric lights; ditches, the darkest and darkest night, the blow of a sharp knife, Silent footsteps... I felt a little relieved, stretched out, thought about the travel expenses, and let out a sigh.

Lying down, the imagined future that passed before my closed eyes was gone before midnight; suddenly I seemed to see a pile of food in the dark, and after that, Zijun's sallow face appeared, and his childish eyes opened , looking at me pleadingly.I must be god, there is nothing left.

But my heart feels heavy.Why can't I bear it for a few days and tell her the truth in such a hurry?Now she knows that all she has in the future is the sun-like majesty of her father, the creditor of her children, and the frosty coldness of others.And then there is the void.Carrying the burden of emptiness, walking the so-called road of life in the eyes of majesty and indifference, what a terrible thing it is!What's more, the end of this road is just a tomb without even a tombstone.

I should not tell the truth to Zijun, we have loved each other, I should dedicate my lies to her forever.If authenticity could be precious, it shouldn't be a heavy void in Zijun.Of course a lie is also a void, but at the end, it is no more than this heavy.

I thought that by telling the truth to Zijun, she would be able to move forward resolutely without any worries, just like when we were going to live together.But I'm afraid I'm mistaken.Her bravery and fearlessness at that time was because of love.

I did not have the courage to bear the burden of falsehood, but cast the burden of truth on her.After she loves me, she will bear this burden and walk the so-called road of life in the strict and cold eyes.

I thought of her death... I saw that I was a coward who deserved to be thrown out of power, true and false.However, she still wanted me to live a longer life from beginning to end... I want to leave Jizhao Hutong, where it is strangely empty and lonely.I think that as long as I leave here, Zijun will still be by my side; at least, it will be as if he is still in the city. One day, he will unexpectedly visit me, just like when he was living in the guild hall.

However, there was no response to all requests and letters. I had no choice but to visit a family friend whom I hadn't seen for a long time.

He was my uncle's childhood classmate, Bagong, who was famous for his seriousness, had lived in Beijing for a long time and had many friends.

Probably because of the shabby clothes, the concierge stared at me as soon as I entered the door.It was very difficult to meet each other, and we still know each other, but they are very cold.He knows everything about our past.

"Of course, you can't stay here either," he said coldly after I asked him to find work elsewhere, "but where? Zijun, you know, she is dead."

I was speechless in shock.

"Really?" I finally asked unconsciously.

"Haha. Of course it's true. My family's Wang Sheng's family is in the same village as hers."

"But——how did you die?"

"Who knows. He's just dead anyway."

I have forgotten how to say goodbye to him and go back to my apartment.I know he doesn't lie; Zijun will never come again, like last year.Although she wanted to walk the so-called road of life with the burden of emptiness in the eyes of majesty and indifference, she could no longer do so.Her fate has already decided that she will perish in the truth I gave—the loveless world!
Naturally, I cannot be here; but, "Where shall I go?"

All around is a vast emptiness, and a dead silence.I seem to see the darkness before the eyes of those who die without love, and I can hear all the voices of distress and despair.

I also look forward to the arrival of new things, unnamed, unexpected.But day by day is nothing but the silence of death.

I don't go out much more than before, I just sit and lie in the vast emptiness, letting this dead silence eat away at my soul.The silence of death sometimes trembles by itself, retreating by itself, so at the turn of the continuation, nameless, unexpected, and new expectations flash out.

It was a gloomy morning, and the sun was still struggling to get out of the clouds; even the air was tired.I heard the sound of footsteps and snorting in my ears, which made me open my eyes.At a glance, the room is still empty; but when I saw the ground by chance, there was a small animal hovering, thin, half-dead, covered in dust... When I took a closer look, my heart stopped, and then Then he jumped up.

That's A Sui.it came back.

My departure from Jizhao Hutong was not only because of the cold eyes of the homeowners and his female workers, but mostly because of this Ah Sui.But, "Where are we going?" Naturally, there are still many new ways of life. I vaguely know about them, and sometimes I see them vaguely, and I feel that they are right in front of me. However, I still don't know how to take the first step to get there.

After many times of thinking and comparison, only the guild hall is still compatible.It is still such a dilapidated house, such a plank bed, such half-dead locust trees and wisterias, but at that time, everything that gave me hope, joy, love, and life was gone, and there was only a void, which I exchanged for reality. the existence of the void.

There are still many new ways of life, and I must step into them, because I am still alive.But I don't yet know how to take that first step.Sometimes, I seem to see that the way of life is like a long gray snake, winding towards me by itself. I wait, wait, and see that it is approaching, but suddenly it disappears in the darkness.

The night in early spring is still so long.During the long sitting, I remembered the funeral ceremony I saw on the street in the morning. There were paper figures and paper horses in front, and singing-like crying in the back.I now know how smart they are, how easy and simple it is.

However, Zijun's funeral was in front of my eyes, carrying the burden of emptiness alone, walking on the long gray road, and immediately disappeared in the majesty and cold eyes of the surroundings.

I wish there were so-called ghosts and hell, then, even in the roar of evil winds, I will look for Zijun, express my remorse and sorrow face to face, and beg for her forgiveness; otherwise, the poisonous flames of hell will surround me , burning violently my regrets and sorrows.

I will embrace Zijun in the evil wind and poisonous flames, beg her for mercy, or make her happy... But this is even more empty than the new life; all there is now is just the night of early spring, which is still so long.I am alive, and I have to step out towards a new way of life. That first step is just to write down my regrets and sorrows, for Zijun and myself.

I still only have the sound of singing and crying, to send Zijun to the funeral, buried in oblivion.

I want to forget; for myself, and I will never think of using forgetting to send Zijun to his funeral.

I want to take the first step towards a new life, I want to hide the truth deeply in the wounds of my heart, move forward silently, and use forgetting and lying as my guide...

(End of this chapter)