The learning methods and training details of Harvard's top students

Chapter 22 Squat down and communicate with children on an equal footing (2)
In fact, the best time to communicate is when your child comes home from school.In a day's school life of a child, some things that he can't imagine will inevitably happen. He urgently needs to share his inner thoughts with his parents. This is even more important than doing homework, because it is related to the child's psychological growth.At this time, for the parents, being busy is not a reason, because what the children need is that the parents listen carefully to what they say, and he will get great satisfaction from talking.However, parents often ignore this point, and the reasonable needs of children are ruthlessly ignored by parents.The children's heart talk is so important to them, but they are ignored by their parents day by day. This has also caused great harm to the children and created a deep gap between them and their parents.

Although many parents get along with their children day and night, they don't understand what they are thinking.Without understanding the spiritual world of children, it is difficult to effectively guide them to become the person they want.Therefore, it is necessary to communicate with children frequently, and to cultivate common interests with children, such as playing chess, listening to music, watching football games, swimming, etc.Usually after get off work, I often chat and laugh with my children to cultivate family ties and share joy.You have to get close to your child first and gain their trust, so that the child can pour out his inner thoughts. This is a very natural thing.To gain the trust of your child and let your child confide in his heart, you must first treat your child with a trusting attitude.You should spend most of your time with your children in a relaxed and happy way. You can have friendly conversations and play with your children. You can play and joke around, so that the family is full of humor and intimacy.When talking to your child, you should look at him with trusting and kind eyes, and let your child look at you and talk.Because the eye contact itself is a kind of communication.

When a child wants to discuss a more important matter with you, parents must put down the work at hand, show interest in the child's affairs, and listen patiently to the child's story.In this way, the child will feel that his parents attach great importance to him, and he will take the initiative to open up and tell his parents about himself.

When the child is talking, parents should look at the child and say to the child: "Speak, baby, I'm listening!" You can sit next to the child, and at the same time put your arms around the child's shoulder; On the opposite side, holding the child's hand, looking at the child with loving eyes.The tone of speech should be soft, and when the child is talking, constantly give the child some encouragement, such as: "Yes." "I understand your mood." "I understand what you mean."

At the same time, you can also ask some simple questions, exchange ideas with your child from time to time, and guide your child to explain the problem clearly.Before ending the conversation, you can ask the child to describe a certain scene in detail, and ask the child to describe it as carefully as possible, and this scene will become a good memory of communication between parents and children.

Parents should tolerate, enlighten and correct children's childish behaviors due to inexperience, instead of beating, scolding and suppressing.When children express their opinions, parents must listen carefully, which means respecting the child's personality.If the child speaks incompletely, the parents can add it; if the child speaks with deviations, the parents can correct it.

When children take the initiative to talk to you, parents should learn to listen instead of scolding the children, let alone imposing their own ideas on the children endlessly. In many cases, children just need a listener, not a trainer.

[Easy interaction]

1. Think about it, when your child tells you, will you listen patiently?

2. In daily life, will you take the initiative to communicate with your children?

3. As a parent, do you think you know your children well?
【Parent-child total product】

A famous psychologist at Harvard University believes that parents let their children express all their feelings-both positive and negative-through language, which is the best gift they can give their children.

Children often hope that their parents can share their happiness and troubles, but parents often only like to hear "good news" and don't like to hear "bad news".If things go on like this, the child is disappointed, and feels that it is useless to tell his parents about something, and it is better to bury it in his heart.Over time, negative emotions can't find a way to vent and resolve them, and when they accumulate to a certain extent, they may explode and become a kind of confrontational emotion, causing harm to children and families.

Children are most effectively helped by the attention, respect, and time that parents give their children as listeners.

Listening is an art.How to listen to children speak?
1. Keep eye level with children, not condescending.

2. Lean forward slightly, which is a gesture of interest.

3. Don't create "walls".For example, holding arms with both hands or flipping a book while listening, these actions are obstacles for children.

4. "Listen" with your eyes.Look at the talking child with your eyes open, and use your eyes to express your interest and pleasure naturally.

You'll find that no matter how simple your child's topic, if you try to appear interested, interest will come naturally.If you are always sullen, silent, and casual, you will disappoint your child very much.

The great Russian writer Chekhov said: "The reason why a mother cannot be replaced by an outsider in educating her children is because she can feel, cry and laugh with her children... Theories and lessons alone are useless. .”

【Harvard view】

Being a good friend of children is the road to success in family education

Communication, understanding and understanding are needed between people, including between parents and children, in order to live a more harmonious life.Only by being a good friend of children, treating children equally, and communicating effectively with children can we help children grow up healthily.

On the issue of educating their children, some parents generally lack the time and patience to communicate with their children, and lack good skills and correct methods due to busy work, tension or other reasons.In real life, I often hear some parents lament: "The child will not listen to us when he grows up." In fact, the main reason is the lack of frequent communication between parents and children.

Being a good friend of children is the basis for promoting communication and communication between parents and children.In daily life, many parents only talk about studies with their children, only care about their children's academic performance, speak in a commanding tone or impose their own opinions on their children, and regard themselves as self-respecting parents, and pay less attention to their children's inner needs. The effect of family education is greatly reduced.

Parents can only win their children's trust and true respect by being their children's friends first and communicating with their children on an equal footing in daily life.

"Growing Pains" is an American family education TV series.The protagonists in the play are the always energetic Jason couple and their three children, daughter Carol, eldest son Mike, and youngest son Ken.

The Jasons are a democratic couple with children. They have never put on airs as parents in front of their children.On the contrary, they regard the children as their friends and always treat the three children with an equal and friendly attitude.

Their daughter, Carol, is smart and studious, and is the pride of the Jason couple.When Carol was able to skip a grade, the Jasons were not blindly happy, nor did they command indiscriminately. They discussed this issue with Carol deeply like friends, and guided their daughter to make their own correct judgment.

The eldest son, Mike, is a mischievous person. He often does some unexpected things, which makes the Jason couple worry about it. However, the Jason couple never reprimanded or beat Mike.They always insisted on giving Mike the opportunity to correct his mistakes and encouraged him to make his own decisions.

For their youngest son, Ken, the Jasons also treat him equally. They don't think that Ken should be controlled because he is young.At home, Ken is a clever ghost, and he often comes up with some weird ideas. However, the Jasons always discuss issues with Ken on an equal footing and encourage Ken to do his own thing independently.

The Jasons believe that children should become people who can adapt to society and be welcomed, so they treat children as friends since childhood.They discuss problems with their children and admit their mistakes in front of them. They use sincerity, tolerance and humor to eliminate the troubles of children's growth and bring joy to the family.

Being your child's friend is easier said than done.Especially in China, the parents of many children lack the normal and tolerant mentality of American parents.Therefore, it is more difficult and valuable to communicate with children on an equal footing.

In fact, in the process of educating children, the best way to communicate is to become friends with them and let them take the initiative to tell their parents what they think.When a child has inner conflicts and needs to choose, when a child has difficulties to solve, when a child has pain and needs comfort, when a child has happiness and needs to be shared, parents will be the first to think of, and only in this way can we help The child grows up healthily.

[Easy interaction]

1. Think about it, when educating children, will you regard yourself as your child's friend?

2. What inspiration do you have for educating your children by reading the Jason couple's parenting stories?
3. Think about it, do you have enough patience when communicating with your children?

【Parent-child total product】

How to become a child's friend?

1. Put yourself in the child's shoes
First of all, it is necessary to understand the general characteristics of children's physical and mental development, which can provide a scientific knowledge background for a correct understanding and analysis of children.

Secondly, we must correctly analyze the child's external behavior.The same external behavior may have different reasons.If the homework cannot be completed, some children are because they are playful, some are tired of studying, and some are fighting against teachers and parents... Starting from this, the countermeasures adopted for different children must be different.

Parents should work hard to improve their children's ability to empathize and understand their children.Put yourself in the child's shoes, feel with the child's mood, and see the world with the child's eyes.

2. Treat children equally as individuals

To respect the personality of children, respect the children's ideas, wishes and emotions.

Really think about the growth and development of your children.In fact, the child is himself, another person.Some parents tie their children's future too tightly to themselves and use it as a tool to compensate for their own shortcomings in life.Therefore, children are often forced to learn this and that, regardless of their reality. As a result, a lot of time, energy, and money are spent. Parents are tired and children are tired, but they cannot get the desired results, and even cause mental illness in their children.

Children also have emotions, and some parents do not allow their children to have any dissatisfaction, awkwardness or resistance.Parents should care about their children's inner world and emotional life, and give them opportunities to express themselves.

Children should have their own space (both material and spiritual) in the family and the freedom to make their own arrangements.For example, there should be children's desks, books, daily necessities, and if possible, their own room, etc. At the same time, parents should not rush into the children's spiritual space.

(End of this chapter)