The learning methods and training details of Harvard's top students

Chapter 24 Respect the child's wishes and let him spread his wings
(Harvard representative: I.M. Pei) Many losers have made exactly the same mistake. They turn a blind eye to the treasures they have, but desperately envy and imitate others.As everyone knows, success is actually walking your own path with confidence.

— Rachel Carson, professor at Harvard University
【Wonderful Guide】

Biography of IM Pei

IM Pei (1917～), born in 1917 in Shizilin, Suzhou, China, is the son of Pei Zuyi, the founder of the Bank of China. At the age of 17, he went to the United States to study. He received a bachelor's degree from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in 1940 and a master's degree from the Harvard School of Architecture and Design in 1946.After graduation, he first worked with Zikendorf, a well-known urban renovation and construction company in the United States, and then founded an architectural firm in 1955. His architectural design has spread widely to countries all over the world.Famous works include the East Building of the National Gallery of Art in Washington, the Bank of China Building in Hong Kong, the Miho Museum in Shiga Prefecture, Japan, the glass pyramid of the Louvre in France, the German History Museum, and the Suzhou Museum.

As the last "master" of modernist architecture, he has been described as an architect who focused on abstract form.Materials he favors include stone, concrete, glass and steel.

As one of the world's most successful architects in the 20th century, IM Pei designed a large number of epoch-making buildings.I.M. Pei is a practical architect with many works but few treatises. His influence on architectural theory is basically limited to his works themselves.

He has won the Gold Medal of the American Institute of Architecture, the Gold Medal of the French Academy of Architecture, the Imperial Prize of Japan and the Pulitzer Prize for Architecture.Among them, the Pulitzer Prize for Architecture is equivalent to the Nobel Prize and is the highest honor in the architectural field.For Bayesian, the Medal of Freedom awarded by President Reagan in 1986 is the most meaningful to him.

【Character Story】

The dream of building a wonderful building

IM Pei's family has a history of more than 600 years. His grandfather was a calligrapher and his mother was an accomplished female calligrapher, poet and musician.So his family has a very artistic atmosphere.

After IM Pei's mother passed away, his father paid close attention to IM Pei's studies and was very concerned about what he wanted to do in the future.His father often told him: "Education is the most important thing in life. As long as you intend to study further, I will support you to the end." His father is not rich, but he has the conditions to support his children in this regard.

However, at that time, IM Pei did not know what he would do in the future.When he has nothing to do on weekends, he plays billiards.

In 1934, when he was 17, a building broke ground near his home.The building is said to have 26 floors and claims to be "the tallest building in the Far East".

He couldn't believe it was real, so he went to see it every Saturday.In the end, the building rose from the ground like magic, and it was called "International Hotel".

He was deeply intoxicated by this mythical miracle. At the same time, a dream of building a building as tall as the International Hotel sprouted in his heart.

When he graduated from high school, his banker father gave Pei two choices, one was to work in the financial industry, and the other was to study medicine.Undoubtedly, these are two paths with a bright future, but he is not interested in these, because what he yearns for most at this time is to build a tall building like the International Hotel.

Although his father was a little surprised by his ideal, he finally agreed with his choice.Sent him to the United States to study his favorite architecture, and finally studied at Harvard University, and finally had a successful career.If IM Pei's father forced him to study medicine, it is likely that there would be one more quack doctor in the world, but one less outstanding architectural artist.

【Harvard view】

Let go of your own ruler, children's development needs respect and understanding

Canadian Quaker Koberg, when he was 12 years old, he and his classmates established a children's charity foundation.Today, this charity has attracted more than 45 million teenagers from 100 countries around the world, and has established 35 schools in 450 developing countries in Latin America, Africa, and Asia; among them, 15 are in China.At only 23 years old, Quaker Koberg was the youngest nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize in the world.

People not only have to ask: "What is the power that makes a child a creator with autonomous ability?" There is only one answer, which is to respect the growth environment that children choose independently.

In an environment that respects children's independent choices, parents must respect their children's willingness to choose independently.However, in the eyes of many parents, children are tools for the happiness of adults. Children must go to elementary school, junior high school, high school, university, and graduate school according to the parents' desire... However, after completing their studies, they become a person who lacks autonomy .Even with good jobs, they are not as creative as foreign kids.

Li Hehe, the son of former Chinese foreign minister Li Zhaoxing, graduated first in his grade from the University of Pennsylvania, and was admitted to the School of Business Administration of Harvard University.Li Zhaoxing's wife once introduced an important point of their child-rearing experience in an article: to respect the developmental needs of children.

A child is a living person, he is not an appendage of his parents, he has his own ideas when things happen.A child's opinion is the expression and sign of his gradual growth, and should be respected, understood and encouraged.For example, what kind of clothes a child wants to wear shows that he has his own aesthetics and tastes. As long as it is not too out of line, let him wear it. Parents should not use their own rulers to control and interfere.Otherwise, in the long run, the child will think that his ideas are always ignored by the adults, and in order to prove his existence and attract the attention and attention of his parents, he may become more stubborn and rebellious, unwilling to communicate and communicate with his parents.

Children are eager to be respected and understood. Only when parents put down the airs of the elders, squat down, have equal and patient exchanges and dialogues with their children, listen to their voices, and make them feel that they have no sense of distance from you, can they use their children to the greatest extent. Their own opinions are understood and accepted by children.Otherwise, if you blindly demand and accuse, and do not allow talk and defense, the child will be farther and farther away from you, and your words will become less and less.

Generally, parents are used to evaluating their children's behavior from their own perspective and restricting their children's choices.If things go on like this, parents will be very tired, because gradually children will lose the ability to determine themselves and be responsible.Today's society is changing rapidly, and children will face multiple choices and decisions in the future. The lack of ability will only bring fear and tension.

If you respect your child's decisions about his own world, then he will develop self-discipline, and thus have a sense of accomplishment, self-worth, and responsibility, which are very important for a child's life.

Respecting children's choices does not guarantee that children's choices are correct every time, but parents cannot make decisions on behalf of children.The best way is to let children have more opportunities to "make their own decisions", and parents will conduct specific analysis according to the specific situation of the matter.At the same time, pay attention to cultivating children's ability to distinguish. Aristotle said: "Thinking begins with doubts and surprises." Respect children's choices, and you may obtain a new miracle.

[Easy interaction]

1. If you were a child, in what respect would you want your parents to respect you?
2. If you are a parent, do you feel that you fully respect your children?

【Parent-child total product】

Hans, a Harvard top student, was obsessed with airplanes when he was a child. His parents always tried their best to meet his collection needs and often bought him various toy airplanes. They thought this hobby was very beneficial to his growth.

One day, Hans went shopping with his mother, and his mother bought him a new white "airplane".After returning home, Hans happily went to play with his friends, and his mother told him not to lose the plane.When the child came back, the plane in his hand had disappeared and turned into a small cartoon.The mother was very angry and really wanted to ask the child immediately, but she forced herself to hold back, and calmly asked the child about the whereabouts of the small plane.It turned out that when Hans saw that his children had the same cartoon picture, he couldn't stand the persuasion of another child, so he exchanged the small plane in his hand for another card.The mother didn't blame the child, but said calmly: "This little card is so beautiful!"

A few days later, when Hans lined up his beloved little planes to admire, his mother said, "It would be great if the little white planes were also lined up together!" Explain to the son the different values ​​of cartoons and small airplanes, and let the children think about whether to exchange the airplane for the card.Here, although the mother feels sorry for the toy plane that the child lost, she respects the child's choice.She didn't scold the child. To avoid embarrassing the child, she didn't force the child to exchange the plane. When the child understands the different values ​​of the plane and the card and which of the two things is more important to him, maybe he will return the plane. In exchange, maybe he won't do such "stupid things" again.

【Harvard view】

Respect children to win trust

A Harvard education expert said that parents who know how to respect their children can cultivate children who know how to respect themselves.

Many middle school students said that almost everyone in their class has a diary with a lock, the purpose is to prevent parents from flipping through the diary.

The cruel phenomenon of children locking themselves to their closest parents is thought-provoking.The reason why children lock the diary is because parents can't respect their privacy; and parents have their own reasons and really don't know how to educate their children.The problem here is how to understand each other.Although parents and children have an innate kinship, they are dozens of years apart after all, and there is a natural "generation gap" between them; the only way to be friends with children is to win their trust through sincerity.

If a child is respected from an early age, he will understand self-esteem and how to respect others.Those children who are polite to others must be respected at home; those unreasonable and rough-behaved children will not be respected by their families at home, and they are often hurt.

If you want to train your children to be high-quality and educated people, then you must first be such a person.If you want your children to respect you, you should respect your children first.

So, how can parents make their children feel respected?
1. Be patient with every question or request of your child
Listen carefully, and don't simply cope because you are too busy and tired: "Ask this and that, what's so strange?" "I'm busy, ask your teacher!" Because this will make the child feel that you are "passing" him .Maybe some questions are difficult for you to answer for a while, just say "sorry", explain your reasons, and show your sincerity, the child will understand.

2. Talk to your children less in the tone of commands and lectures

"Listen to me!", "Be honest!", "Hurry up!", "Come here!" and similar words will make the child feel that you are using him as an "animal".Respect children and use more language of emotional communication.Make him feel like you're talking to him. "I think we need to have a good talk", "Should we hurry up or we'll be late", "I think it's better to do this, don't you?" respected.

3. Let children participate in adult activities, including talking
Adults only care about talking by themselves, or only care about watching TV and entertaining themselves, and "hang" the children aside, which will make the children feel left out.You can't say: "What do children know? Go and play by yourself!" or "What children can do, I might as well do it myself." Encourage children to participate and let them feel that you really "take him seriously" , his efforts are important to you.When children feel valued, they develop a sense of self-fulfillment, experience equality, and take responsibility for their actions.

4. Correctly deal with the mistakes made by children

You can't ignore it, the key is how to manage it.Not to interfere roughly, or to severely punish, but to treat it democratically.You can ask, "Hey, I feel like you're a different person today, what's going on?" You can also comment: "This doesn't seem like something you should do." Or point out sternly: "I didn't expect you I am very disappointed that you did such a stupid thing!" Parents should be strict according to the severity of the mistakes, and give children the opportunity to think and correct themselves, because even if they make mistakes, children are worthy of respect.

5. Do not make promises to children easily
Once a promise is made, it must be fulfilled, so that the child feels that you are worthy of his trust.And once the child loses trust, he will not give you his "heart", and you will lose influence. Even if you use severe punishment, it will only make things worse.

6. Try not to talk about him with others in front of the child
Adults don't like being used as "talking material" for others, and children do the same.And don't ask your child to show guests something whether he likes it or not.This will make him feel manipulated.

7. Don’t always compare your child with other children
Comparison will not only make the "strong" child proud, make him "pretentious" and "specialized" in front of other children, but also make the "inferior" child feel inferior.It is necessary to make more longitudinal comparisons of the children, that is, to compare the children's "today" with "yesterday", to discover and affirm every progress of the children, even if the progress is a little bit, it will bring surprises and encouragement to the children.

[Easy interaction]

1. Does your child fully trust and respect you?
2. What do you think about children's privacy?
【Parent-child total product】

American parents talk to their children in a calm tone and never reprimand them harshly.Even when the child does something wrong, he is persuasive and tells the truth repeatedly.After the child admits his mistakes and expresses repentance, the parents always say: "We love you." American parents believe that parents must control their emotions, and the most important thing is to give love to their children and respect their self-esteem.Therefore, parents always say words such as "I'm sorry", "Please forgive me", and "Thank you".

Due to the respect and love of their parents, American children can participate in various family activities and express their own opinions since childhood.For example, children can discuss with their parents what kind of home appliances and cars the family buys, and how to arrange the room. Parents are also willing to listen to their children's opinions and fully affirm their children's correct thoughts and behaviors.

In Germany, on the one hand, the law stipulates that children aged 6 to 10 should help their parents wash dishes, sweep the floor and buy things, and develop a habit of loving labor from an early age; ".If a child feels that he or she is disrespected or treated indifferently by his parents, he can sue his parents in court.In order to make children's character develop naturally, German educators also put forward the slogan of "experience nature".German children can participate in various "ecological activity stations" activities since they were young, go to observe and feel in nature, and show their individuality to their heart's content.

(End of this chapter)