speak humor, be humorous

Chapter 17 Humorous Conversation (2)
"I mean, where is the spoon?"

■It is of course a good thing to correct mistakes.But we often correct the right and leave the wrong, and the result is that the wrong is added to the wrong.

◎ Change a watch
George Washington was the first president in American history.He had a young secretary who came late one morning, found Washington waiting, felt guilty, and said there was something wrong with his watch.Washington replied calmly: "I'm afraid you'll have to change a watch, or I'll have to change a secretary."

■If you make a mistake, make up your mind to correct it, and don't make any excuses for yourself, because excuses will make people think that you have no attitude of repentance.

◎ I have no tooth decay

After seeing the dentist, the little boy came home with a smile on his face: "Hey, Mom, the dentist said that I don't have a single tooth decay."

Mom's eyes widened in surprise: "Impossible—you eat all the candies in the chocolate box before going to bed, and you never brush your teeth!"

At this moment, the boy opened his mouth - all his teeth had been pulled out.

■Don't just throw out the children in the dirty water just because the water is dirty!Accept it, tolerate it.

◎ haircut
A man goes to the barber shop for a haircut.The man said to the barber: "Please cut the hair on the left side shorter, let the hair on the right hang down to the ear, don't cut it, and then cut my bald head like a piece of five yuan coins, and leave a piece of hair. A lock of hair so I can pull it all the way to my chin."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the barber, "I may not be able to do this."

"Impossible?" the customer shouted angrily, "You were the one who cut my hair like this last time.

■Many people don't know or don't want to admit that they have done things very badly unless you show enough evidence.

◎ Charity
One day, Bernard Shaw was invited to a charity ball.At the meeting, he invited an ordinary female member of a charity to dance.The woman said shyly, "How can you dance with an ordinary person like me?"

Bernard Shaw replied: "Isn't this a charity?"

■If you have a kind and loving heart, even ordinary people will be respected.

◎ Alarm clock
The manager was very dissatisfied with the young assistant: "You, miss, are always late for work every morning. Don't you have an alarm clock at home?"

"Yes, but it's such a nuisance. It always rings when I'm asleep."

■When you regard the excellent quality of a thing as its shortcoming, you have lost the meaning of owning it.

◎ Author and editor
A copywriter came to the editorial department of a magazine.

"Mr. Editor, have you read the novel I sent not long ago?"

"I have read it, young man, I have read it. Remember when I read this novel, you may not have come into this world!"

■Don't think that time will forget anything, even if time passes, honesty is still the quality that people should keep in mind.

◎ Lose and win

"Why are you always so lucky at poker, but never at a horse race?"

"That's because, anyway, I can't hold the whole horse in my hand."

■Things need not only to be grasped by human hands, but also to use the precious rationality.

◎ Questions from tourists
The tour guide said to the tourists: "Ladies and gentlemen, the castle in front of you belongs to the famous King Alexander in history. It was built several centuries ago."

"Why do you have to build it so far away from the railway? Why didn't you consider the inconvenience it would bring?" asked a tourist.

■People who are good at asking and thinking about problems will never confuse the past with the present.

◎ throat
A domineering woman asks the voice professor, "What do you think of my voice? What song is best for me?"

"Of course, it is a very distinctive voice, and it will be of great use in case of fire or shipwreck."

■Arrogance stems from ignorance, and truly powerful and charming people are humble, because their extensive knowledge enables them to recognize their own position.

◎ You can’t see me anyway

A certain person met a person, that person gave him a grass, and said to him: "This is an invisible grass, as long as you hold it in your hand, others will not be able to see you." When you come to the market, you will grab other people's money and leave as if no one else is around.Qian Zhu grabbed him and punched him.A said: "You can hit me anyway, you can't see me anyway."

■How to behave when others can't see is a test of a person's character.

◎ bet
In the stands, two fans who had never met each other fought.

"Team A must win. If you make a mistake, write my last name upside down!"

"Team A must lose. Otherwise, write my last name horizontally!"

"What's your name?"

"My surname is Tian, ​​what about you?"

"Surname Wang"

■ Some people's "heroic" performance does not represent their "heroic" nature, because behind that behavior, they are not injured at all.True bravery means sacrifice.

◎ A blessing in disguise
Old professors are used to concentrating on problems.Once, when he went to take a shower, he forgot to take off his clothes, so he slumped into the tub and picked up the towel, back and forth, up and down, busy scrubbing.

Suddenly, he realized that he hadn't taken off his clothes, so he quickly jumped out of the tub.

"Fortunately, fortunately!" He said with a smile, it turned out that he forgot to turn on the tap.

■What is true concentration?Newton once gave a classic explanation-concentration is the ability to use the energy of your body and mind persistently on the same problem without getting bored.Concentration is a rare quality.

◎ Fake movie tickets
A: "I bought a fake movie ticket, this kind of person is really wicked!"

B: "What about the counterfeit ticket?"

A: "I resold it to someone else."

■It does not bode well if one does not have the qualities of self-cultivation.

◎ Language beauty

"I have achieved the beauty of language."

"How do you know?"

"Everyone who knows me says that I speak better than I sing."

■The benevolent is invincible, the most effective weapon is sincerity.Tell the other party what you want to say honestly, the simplest and least technical, but the most able to win others' trust.Putting too much emphasis on skill when interacting with people is often counterproductive and will only make you lose your natural charm.

◎ Great Doctor

When a famous doctor was dying, he said to the doctors around him, "I will leave behind three great doctors." All the doctors present hoped that this famous doctor could put forward his name as his heir.

But the famous doctor said: "These three great doctors are: water, exercise and eating right."

■People often think that they can find health from doctors, but in fact, medicines can only help you temporarily get rid of certain diseases.Didn't it say "nurture the body of nature with the way of nature"? What nature emphasizes is harmony and harmony. Therefore, only when people's body and mind have to develop good habits can they live a healthy and natural life.

◎ best to wear
Afanti's wife was going to attend a wedding, and she didn't know which dress would be suitable. She spent a whole meal trying on the clothes, but she was still undecided, so she asked Afanti, "Afanti, look at me." Which one is the right one to wear?" "If you wear this one, that one will be angry, if you wear that one, this one will definitely be unhappy, you'd better wear them all!" Avanti replied .

■On some non-principle issues, there is no need to waver and hesitate. Indecision and indecision will only add unnecessary trouble and burden.

◎ master
When the calf saw the cow plowing the field with sweat under the whip of the farmer, he felt very sad, so he asked: "Mom, the world is so big, why do we have to suffer and be tortured here?"

While sweating profusely, the cow replied helplessly, "My child, there is no way! Ever since we ate other people's food, we can't help ourselves. It has been like this for generations!"

■Excellence is a habit. With good habits, you will have the genes for success.

◎ True Lies
A man drove across the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco with his wife and father-in-law.As soon as he crossed the bridge, he was stopped by the police standing on the side of the road and the mayor of San Francisco.The policeman said to him with a smile on his face: You are the 5th person who drove across the bridge since the completion of the Golden Gate Bridge. Mr. Mayor will send you five thousand dollars as a commemoration.The old man was so happy that he couldn't close his mouth from ear to ear.

The policeman asked him, what do you want to do with the 5000 yuan?The man hurriedly said: I am so poor that I can't even get a driver's license, so the first thing is to get a license as soon as possible.His wife listened impatiently and hurriedly told the police: Don't listen to his nonsense, he will talk nonsense when he is drunk!The old father-in-law who had been dozing off in the car woke up at this moment, saw the policeman, and shouted angrily: Look, look, I told you a long time ago that this stolen car will not go far!

■Always remember: the greatest wisdom of the human heart is honesty!The most precious quality of human nature is honesty!The greatest virtue in the world is honesty!The world's greatest secret is also the truth!
◎ Such a work
Wife: "I've been married for more than half a year, why don't I see you engaged in literary creation?"

Husband: "I don't have that talent!"

Wife: "Before you got married, didn't you write 'published works in the Provincial Evening News' on the 'Marriage Notice'?"

Husband: "I mean the 'personals'."

■The cunning little cleverness may be able to deceive for a while, but after all, the fox's tail can't hide - the truth is revealed.Because only sincerity and magnanimity are the great wisdom that applies everywhere!
◎ don't die
One day, when Wang Xiaoer went out as a guest, the host first brought a plate of tofu, and he quickly started to eat it. Other guests advised him to eat slowly. Wang Xiaoer said: "Tofu is my life." A plate of meat, Wang Xiaoer saw it and started to gobble it up again, and said: "With meat, I will die."

■We often make up our minds or pledge each other, but if it is based on childishness and hypocrisy, isn't it too pale?After all, the thickness of life and the truth of the heart are not easy for us to express!

◎ My wife begged me for mercy
Lao Li, who is afraid of his wife being famous, refuses to admit it in front of others.

One day, he said to his friend, "Last night, my wife knelt down and begged me for mercy." The friend didn't believe me, and asked him what had happened, and he said, "My wife knelt by the bed, lowered her head and said to the bottom of the bed, are you coming out or not? "

■ Fabricating hypocritical lies to deliberately cover up the truth of concern.But what are we hiding? ——I'm afraid it's just a poor and weak heart—but the truth is still standing there firmly. Perhaps, the inner strength is what we really need to make up for!

◎ Intelligent
John was waiting for the plane at the airport, and when he was bored, he stood on a weighing machine, and the words "You are John, weighing 87 kg, flying to New York" appeared on the screen immediately.John was very surprised. He stood on the machine again wearing sunglasses 10 minutes later, and the screen immediately showed "You are John, weighing 87 kilograms, flying to New York". John felt even more amazing, and he ran into the bathroom After shaving off his beard, changing his clothes and coming to the machine again, the screen immediately displayed "You are still John, your weight is still 87 kg, and your plane flew away 20 minutes ago."

■Many things in life seem unbelievable at first glance, but we should not deny and doubt them childishly.Because truth is always worthy of respect and discussion, let us maintain a childlike curiosity!
◎ Stacked quilt
Instructor: Kameda, why are your quilts always stacked worse than Yamamoto?
Kameda: Sir, Yamamoto made tofu before joining the army, and I made Hanamaki manju before joining the army.

■Three-year-old looks old, early experience may affect your life.Before you know it, you will reveal your most basic and familiar movements and habits.

◎ Black dots on the whiteboard
A teacher came into the classroom and drew a black dot on the whiteboard.

He asked the students in the class, "What is this?"

Everyone said in unison: "A black spot."

The teacher pretended to be surprised and said, "Is there only one black spot? No one has seen such a big whiteboard?"

■ What do you see?Everyone has some flaws, but which ones do you see?Do you only see the black spots on others; but ignore that he has a large white board (advantages)?In fact, everyone must have many advantages, let's look at it from another angle!You will have more new discoveries.

(End of this chapter)