speak humor, be humorous

Chapter 29 Humor in Speech (2)
At a tea party for graduates of the Chinese Department of a certain university, the secretary of the general party branch of the department spoke first, and the 3-minute impromptu speech was mainly to congratulate the graduates.Then Professor Peng gave a speech. The theme was to hope that the students would continue to study hard, and he also quoted Lenin's famous quotes.The third speaker, Professor Pan, recited Gorky's "Petrel" to encourage the graduates to learn the spirit of Petrel.The fourth deputy head of the department who spoke hoped that students would always remember their alma mater and teachers.Immediately afterwards, the graduates welcomed Professor Wang to speak.Unprepared and unable to shirk, Professor Wang stood up, first briefly reviewed several unforgettable episodes of interacting with his classmates over the years, and finally said in a word: "The previous few proposed to everyone. Eagerly hopeful, but I still like to say what they said. (Laughter) First, I want to wish the students a smooth graduation! (Laughter) Second, I hope that the students will 'learn, learn, and learn'. ( Laughter) Third, I hope that the students will bravely fight against the storms of life like Haiyan. (Laughter, applause) Fourth, I hope that the students will not forget their alma mater and the teachers who worked hard to train you!"

Here, Professor Wang concluded a witty, funny and individual speech by summarizing the themes of the speeches of the previous four people.

Mr. Lu Xun said at the end of his speech at China Art University in Shanghai:
"The above are some of my observations on the art world in recent years. Today I bring a crystallization of 5000 years of Chinese culture, please appreciate it."

As he said that, he reached into his robe with one hand, and slowly picked out a roll of paper from the top of the skirt, opened it, and it turned out to be a sickly and ugly month card.Suddenly everyone laughed.

Mr. Lu Xun used just the right props to perform, in sharp contrast to the concluding remarks, which is very humorous.It not only makes the speech end in a cheerful atmosphere, but also enables the audience to further appreciate the deep meaning of Mr.'s speech with laughter.

At a speech meeting in Yan'an, when the speech was about to end, Chairman Mao took out a pack of cigarettes and touched it slowly with his fingers, but he couldn't find a cigarette after taking out for a long time, obviously he had smoked it all.The relevant personnel were very anxious, because Mao Zedong was very addicted to cigarettes, so someone immediately set off to get the cigarettes.While talking, Mao Zedong continued to touch the cigarette case. After a while, he smiled and took out his only cigarette, held it up between his fingers, and said to everyone: "The last one!"

This "last item" not only means that Chairman Mao's words are the last question, but also refers to the last cigarette.A pun was full of wit and wit, and the audience laughed out loud. The fatigue and tiredness of the audience were also swept away by the laughter.

When American poet and literary critic James Lowell served as ambassador to Britain in 1883, he delivered an impromptu speech called "After Dinner Speech" at a dinner party held in London.Finally he said: "I heard a story when I was very young. It was about a Methodist pastor in America. He preached at a camping meeting and told the story of Joshua. He was like this Beginning: 'Believers, the sun moves in three ways, the first is forward or straight motion; the second is backward or backward motion; the third is in our scriptures Mentioned—stand still.' (Laughter) I don't know if you get the moral of the story, gentlemen, but I hope you do. Tonight's post-dinner speakers are first going in a straight line (get up and leave your seat, do Demonstration)—that is, the forward motion of the sun. Then he returns and begins to repeat himself—that is, the backward motion of the sun. Finally, with a good sense of direction, he brings himself to the finish line. This is what we just said motion of the sun at rest."

This kind of expressive action performance closely related to the theme is vivid and seamless. How can it not win warm applause and laughter from the audience?
1 minute of little humor and great wisdom
◎ Selling books
A famous writer is coming to visit the bookstore.The bookstore owner was so flattered that he quickly removed all the books and replaced them with the author's books.

After the writer came to the bookstore, he was very happy and asked, "Does your store only sell my own books?"

"Of course not." The bookstore owner replied, "Other books are very popular and they are all sold out."

■ Flattering is a strange word: you seem to be flattering him, but also like insulting him.If it is not used well, it may have the opposite effect.

◎ Old suits

"Madame, do you remember me? You gave me an old suit three months ago, and I found five hundred francs in that old suit." The tramp said to the lady.

"Are you trying to give me my money back?"

"No, that's not... I was wondering if you could still find an old suit like that?"

■It is a disgraceful act to get something for nothing, and the idea of ​​getting something for nothing can slowly weaken a country and a nation's competitiveness like a drug.Whenever we see young beggars begging in the city, we must have a feeling of heartache.

◎ Young people are fearful
The little boy asked his father, "Doesn't the father always know more than the son?"

Dad replied: "Of course!"

The little boy asked, "Who invented the light bulb?"

Dad: "It's Edison."

The little boy asked again: "Then why didn't Edison's father invent the electric light?"

■It's very strange, people who like to rely on the old to sell the old are especially prone to stumble.Authority is often just an empty shell that cannot stand the test, especially in today's diverse and open era.

◎ Amazing copper smell
Henry, Frank and Martin make a bet to see who can stay the longest in the smelly fox hole.

Within a minute of entering, Martin conceded defeat - clutching his nose and running out of the hole.

Frank wasn't much better either, he only lasted 1 minute longer than Martin.

Henry has been in the cave for a long time, but he still hasn't come out.

Suddenly, a fox jumped out and shouted:

"This man is really greedy for money. His copper stink is worse than mine, and he smoked me too!"

■Loving money can be said to be a kind of human instinct, but the degree varies from person to person.

◎ Trance
One person wore the wrong boots, one with a thick sole and the other with a thin sole, and one foot was high while the other was low, which was not suitable for walking.The man was surprised and said: "Why are my legs one long and one short today? I think it's because the road is uneven." Or tell him: "I think I'm wearing the wrong boots." Busy people go home to get them.The family went away for a long time, and came back empty-handed, saying to the master: "There is no need to change, the two at home are also one thick and one thin."

■Sometimes, wisdom is contagious, and so is stupidity.

◎ Good Mr.
In the Eastern Han Dynasty, there was a man named Sima Hui who always nodded frequently and said "good, good" when talking to people.

Once, his friend told him sadly that his son had died of illness.He nodded and said: "Okay, okay." After his friend left, his wife scolded him: "People told you that your son died, but you said 'OK, okay', are you crazy?" The man smiled and nodded again and said, "You're right, okay."

■When you aspire to be a "good man", it means that you can no longer be "good".

◎ No repetition
A man was furious when he found that one yuan was missing when he was receiving his salary, and ran to ask the accountant.The accountant said: "I gave you an extra dollar last month, are you annoyed?" He replied loudly: "I can forgive you for making a mistake once by chance, but I will never tolerate the second mistake!"

■I have to admire that some people have such ability, no matter how nasty things are, he can find a high-sounding reason for them.

◎ Important reminder

News reporter interviews a billionaire.

"What helped you to be successful?"

"It's the conviction that money doesn't matter, it's work that counts. When I learned to remind my men of that, I became rich."

■Being good at asking others to liberate oneself is the way for some people to make a fortune.

◎ Louvre

Two tourists who came to Paris from Texas in the United States were chatting in a hotel.

"I'm almost ashamed to tell you that I've been here for three days and I haven't seen the Louvre yet."

"Me too," said another, "maybe these pastries are too expensive to be found in ordinary grocery stores."

■ People who don't know how to pretend to understand want to "beautify" themselves, but they often "uglify" themselves even more.

◎ Left hand and right hand

Judge: "Why did you hit someone with your left hand?"

Criminal: "Because the right hand is used to shake hands and make peace."

■Based on the left and right, he is a rare wit, but don't use it in the wrong place.

◎ No fuss

The film crew of a film studio is shooting a historical feature film reflecting ancient Rome.While filming, the director suddenly found an actor wearing a watch on his wrist, so he shouted into the microphone:
"Take off your watch!"

"What's all the fuss about!" replied the actor, "my watch has Roman numerals on the dial."

■Arty and elegant will not become true after all, even if it is labeled with grandeur.

◎ Saving measures
Someone asked the miser: "What are you doing?"

"I'm learning Braille."

"Why learn Braille? Is your eyesight failing?"

"That's not true. I'm just trying to save electricity when I read at night."

■ Saving is good, but it may become another kind of waste if it reaches a harsh level.

◎ Don't talk nonsense

Tour guide: "This palace was built about 2000 years ago."

Tourist: "Don't talk nonsense! You know it's 1989."

■Short-sighted people can only see the present, and the past and future are unnecessary areas for them.

◎ Borrow cattle
Someone wrote a letter and sent it to a rich man, saying that he wanted to borrow a cow.The rich man was receiving a guest, but he was illiterate. He was afraid that the guest would laugh at him, so he pretended to read the letter and said to the person who sent the letter: "Understood, tell your master, I will go by myself in a while."

■If you don't know how to pretend to understand, you won't pretend to know, and you will only make jokes for temporary vanity.Instead of this, it is better not to be ashamed to ask, so as to enrich yourself.

◎ I don't believe it
There was a poor man who saved three or four jars of rice, thought he was rich, and was complacent all day long.One day, he and his companions were going to the market, and on the way, they heard a person say to the other: "This year, my family harvested only a little more than 300 dans of rice." The poor man said to his companion: "You are lying if you listen to him I don't believe his family can have so many rice jars."

■Many people think about problems, often limited by their own vision, and a frog at the bottom of a well can only see the sky as big as the mouth of a well.

◎ please don't write
There is a person whose calligraphy is extremely poor, but he always likes to write for others.One day, someone came over with a white paper fan in his hand, and this person wanted to write for others.When the owner of the fan saw it, he knelt on the ground and refused to get up.The man said: "It's just writing a few words on the fan, why do you have to do such a big gift?" The owner of the fan said: "I am not asking you to write, but please don't write!"

■It is not easy for people to have a correct understanding of themselves.People think too much of themselves, and without a fair and objective evaluation of themselves, they often do things that disgust others.

◎ Do not lose
A bought a piece of meat and carried it with him. When he went to the toilet, he hung the meat outside the toilet door.When B sees that A has entered the toilet, he goes to steal his piece of meat. As soon as he gets the meat, A comes out of the toilet.B held the meat in his hand, neither walking nor putting it down, so he put the meat in his mouth and murmured, "You hang the meat outside the toilet, how can you not throw it away? Hold the meat in the toilet like I do." If you go to the toilet with your mouth, the meat will not be lost.”

■Some people are quick-witted but don't need to be in the right place. They always think of crooked ideas to deceive people, and they are misunderstood by their cleverness.If they can use their energy in the right place, they may have already achieved success in their careers.

◎ like me plaque

In ancient times, there was a supervisor who, in order to flaunt his noble conduct, wrote a plaque of "like me" and hung it next to Huiquan, the No.2 spring in the world.After a period of time, he intentionally visited Huiquan, but the plaque disappeared.He was very angry, and immediately ordered the monks in the nearby monastery to look around, but he found it next to a toilet, where the plaque was hung upright.

■What kind of behavior you have, you will naturally get what kind of evaluation.Some people with bad conduct are always willing to flaunt their "noble sentiments" everywhere, but in fact, nothing can cover up their ugly behavior.

◎ Beating in vain

A person was hired with money and promised to go to the government to be beaten with a cane in place of others.Before he was about to be sentenced, he gave all the money that others gave him to the yamen servant who held the cane, and asked him to make it easier for him to beat the cane more lightly.After being beaten, he came to the person who hired him, kowtowed and bowed to thank him and said, "My benefactor, thanks for using the money you gave to ask for travel convenience, otherwise, I would have been beaten to death."

■In life, there is always such a muddle-headed person, who is still counting money for others after being fooled by others. In the end, all he is left with is scars on his body and the reputation of being a fool.

◎ Occupational diseases

In the past, there was a patrol officer who liked his subordinates to flatter him so much that he had to bend one leg when he asked his subordinates to answer.There was a petty official who was very prone to inflammation. Once when he bent his leg, his foot was too heavy, which hurt his muscles and bones. As a result, his leg cramped and became disabled.The bent legs are like a bow.

Unexpectedly, the inspector who took over is very annoying to please people.When this disabled little official met his superior, he did not bend his waist, but bent his legs naturally.The inspector asked him very angrily: "When you are an official, you should be innocent and prudent. Don't flatter yourself. Why are you so humble and filthy?" The officer replied, "My lord, this is my occupational disease."

■ Flattery and servility have become an occupational disease!This is a survival technique that some people have no choice but to do. It may gain a lot of benefits, but it will also lose the most fundamental thing about being human.Moreover, since it is an errand to please people, it is necessary to look after the food, otherwise it will turn off the other party's appetite.

◎ Nothing to do
There was a fool who owed Taigong Liu a large debt.Liu Taigong was very annoyed that he couldn't get it back after asking for it for several years, so he sent his men to take the fool as a hostage.The man put the foolish bug into a sack and carried it away. When he was tired from walking, he went to rest in the gazebo by the roadside.

The fool quickly shouted: "Come on, rest here, it's none of my business to be carried away by other people!"

■The so-called don't bite when there are too many lice, and don't worry about having too many debts.For those habitual criminals with no conscience, the prison is the place they most yearn for-free bus transportation, free food, drink and free housing, but the price = loss of freedom + loss of dignity.

◎ fell down
Tourists visit warships.

Pointing to a rusted cannon, the tour guide said to everyone: "That's where our brave captain fell."

"What's the point," muttered an elderly lady, "I trip over things too, and sometimes I fall."

■What distinguishes heroes from mortals is their heroism when they die. This is beyond the comprehension of ordinary people who are tired of life.

(End of this chapter)