speak humor, be humorous

Chapter 34 Humor Skills (3)
A little bird flew south for the winter.It was so cold that the bird was almost frozen, so it flew into a large clearing.A cow passed by and dropped a pile of dung on the bird.The frozen little bird lay in the dung pile, feeling so warm, it gradually came to life.It lay warm and happy, and soon began to sing.A passing cat heard the singing, and went to check it out.Following the singing, the cat quickly discovered the small bird in the dung pile, pulled it out and ate it.

■Not everyone who pulls shit on you is your enemy, and not everyone who pulls shit out of you is your friend.Also, it's best to keep your mouth shut when you're lying in the dunghill.

◎ Who to trust
Someone asked a neighbor to borrow a donkey, and the neighbor replied, "My donkey is not here right now." As soon as he finished speaking, the donkey let out a sound in the pen.

"Isn't that your donkey?"

"Do you trust a man, or a donkey?"

■A hypocritical person is not as trustworthy as an honest donkey.

◎ Black and white cohabitation
The charcoal burner rents a house alone. In order to save the rent, he has been looking for someone to share the rent.

One day, he happened to meet a drifter who wanted to rent a house and was looking for it everywhere.

The charcoal burner said to the cloth floater: "Then let's live together, and the rent is half of the rent."

The fuller said: "The rent is not a big problem, the problem is that it is impossible for us to live together."

The charcoal burner asked, "Then why?"

The cloth fuller said: "Isn't that obvious? You will blacken the cloth I have finally bleached."

■The distance between people is more often a feeling than a deliberate pursuit.If you don't feel right, don't make unnecessary efforts.

◎ Who made it so
British Roman Catholic priest Rodner Knox once discussed theological issues with scientist Haldane.Haldane reasoned: "There are countless planets in the universe. Is it impossible for a planet to have life?"

"Sir," said Knox, "if the London police found a dead body in your wardrobe, you would tell them: 'There are so many wardrobes in the world, isn't it possible that there is a body in one? Is there a body?' I reckon the police must look into who put it in there."

■Don't draw inevitable conclusions for no reason because you think the possibility is high.

◎ birthday gift
The bacteriologist said to his wife; "Honey, I have prepared an unexpected gift for you on your birthday."

Wife: "Great, what is it?"

"A virus named after you."

■It seems that highlighting one's professional expertise regardless of the occasion and timing is not necessarily a good thing, and may even have the opposite effect.

◎ Pay attention to service attitude
The restaurant manager said to the waitresses:
"Today, you should pay special attention to service attitude."

"Any important people here for dinner?" the waitresses asked.

"No," replied the manager, "the meat we serve here today is particularly tough."

■People with a guilty conscience tend to speak softly, because they are worried about other people's troubles because they are wrong.Instead of this, it is better to take effective measures in time to avoid the emergence of this passive situation.

◎ Simple questions
Once, George and his father went hunting in the mountains.As soon as he encountered something wild, George saw his father raise the gun, squint one eye, and snap the trigger.

George was very surprised and asked his father: "Dad, why do you always close one eye when you aim the gun?"

Dad replied: "Silly boy, why do you always ask such simple questions? If you close both eyes, can you see?"

■There are some things in the world that you need to close your eyes to experience with your heart, some need to close your eyes to focus on that point, and some need to open your eyes to see clearly.

◎ The direction is wrong
On the Orient Express, the conductor looked at the ticket of an old lady and said: "This is a ticket from Berlin to Paris, but our train is to Istanbul."

The old lady looked at the conductor seriously and asked, "What should I do? Didn't even the driver notice that he was driving in the wrong direction?"

■At the moment of dispute, everyone will take their own standard as the standard of justice and blame others for it.

◎ Sincerity of ascetics
There was a monk who sat naked on the side of a mountain in summer nights, letting mosquitoes bite him.He wanted to give up his life to feed the mosquitoes, and kept chanting Buddhist scriptures in order to become a Buddha through penance.Master Guanyin wanted to test his sincerity, so he turned into a tiger and came to the mountain to see if he could feed the tiger with his life.Seeing a tiger approaching, the monk hurriedly got up and ran away, shouting as he ran, "How can I, the host, afford to meet such a big one tonight?"

■On weekdays, seemingly magnanimous people cannot stand the test when they encounter fundamental conflicts of interest.If you really want to understand a person, you need to see his performance at some special and critical moments.

◎ master and servant

There was a man who often took his servants with him when he went out, but whenever he drank, he only drank it himself and never gave it to the servants.Once, someone invited him to drink again. The servant blackened his lips with ink and stood next to the master.The master saw it and said, "This slave has a beautiful mouth!" The servant said, "Just take care of your mouth, don't worry about mine."

■In this highly utilitarian society, dialogue requires identity. Without an equal identity, no matter how hard you try to subtly remind each other, you will not be valued or understood.

◎ Difficulties

A certain A came up with a riddle, saying: "The upper pillar is the sky, and the lower pillar is the ground, so that the universe is airtight." Ask the certain B what it is.Someone B said: "I also have a riddle for you to guess: the head faces east, the tail faces west, and the universe is sealed." A said: "I don't know." I'm down."

■"Treat the body in the same way as others", sometimes making things difficult for others is making things difficult for oneself. It is often unfeasible to hope to improve oneself by belittling others.

◎ Wet paint
The painter hired a truck to transport several of his exquisite oil paintings to the exhibition hall.He especially told the driver: "Be careful! The oil paint on the painting is not dry yet." The driver said: "It's okay, I'm wearing old clothes."

■Life belongs to everyone, and responsibility is public welfare!Don't always think about your own interests, think more about others, for the public interest, put yourself in the shoes of others, and make selfless dedication - you will definitely get rewards in life!
◎ Tit for a tooth
An attractive-looking woman is sitting at a bar when a man walks up and says, "Is anyone here?" A puzzled look begins on the woman's face: "What? Go to a motel?" The man repeats After asking the question again, the woman gave the same answer.The man felt annoyed, but he didn't say anything, and returned to his seat and sat down.After a while, the woman came to the man's table and said, "I'm sorry, I'm studying psychology. I'm studying people's expressions when they get an inexplicable answer." The man asked loudly: "What, one hundred dollars?" ?”

■If you don't respect others, how can you ask others to respect you?Since you want to be respected, you must respect others first, because respecting others will win the respect of others!
◎ most surprising

At the beginning of the new semester, every boy has to come to the stage to introduce himself.When a very handsome boy introduced himself, the host asked, "Excuse me, have you ever been mistaken for a girl by others?" "Of course." , until one day I shaved off all my hair in a fit of anger." "Then the teachers must be very surprised?" "Well! But the most surprising thing is not the teacher, but the one who was so kind to carry my schoolbag for a year boy."

■You should not judge the nature of the person you interact with only based on appearance. What you see with your eyes may not be true. Don't make some stupid and ridiculous actions because of one-sided understanding.

◎ Sounds in the middle of the night

There was a poor singer who was still practicing his voice hoarsely until midnight. The neighbor couldn't bear it anymore and knocked on the wall to protest him.

The singer was very angry, and immediately stuck his head out to the neighbor's window and yelled: "It's almost one o'clock, and you're still hammering nails into the wall. Don't you think it's not the right time?"

■The balance between interests not only needs to be fought for, but also requires restraint and tolerance.Don't always complain that others are getting in your way. Many times, it's precisely because we got in the way of others in the first place.

◎ Consultation
There is a sign on the desk in a lawyer's office, which reads: "Answer a question, charge 100."

A lady came to consult and was surprised when she saw the sign on the table, and asked, "Do you really charge a hundred dollars to answer a question?"

The lawyer replied: "Yes. Please ask the second question!"

■There are many prerequisites and regulations in life, we need to understand them carefully.However, in many cases, we need to abide by and implement.When we stubbornly doubt life, things have become complicated, and we are inevitably entangled in it!
◎ Piano teeth

"Mom, do you know someone who has black roots and white teeth?"

"I don't know, Nadya. Can you tell me?"

"piano."

■Many things in life cannot be speculated with common sense. Sometimes, if you diverge your thinking and give full play to your imagination, your life may be different from now on.

◎ digression
Father: "Son, did the composition I wrote for you win an award for excellence?"

Son: "No, the teacher said that the writing is too off topic."

Father: "No way! Isn't the title of the composition "My Father"?"

Son: "Yes, but you are writing about my grandfather."

■Everyone is different, and it is impossible to apply other people's experience and things invariably to suit your own actual situation.

◎ The best husband in the world
Several men entered the locker room to rest after exercising in a private club. Suddenly the mobile phone on a bench rang, a man picked it up, and the following conversation ensued.

Male: "Hello?"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Male: "Yes."

Woman: "Great! I'm in a mall just two blocks from yours. I saw a very nice mink coat. It's very regal! May I buy it?"

Man: "What's the price?"

Woman: "Just $15."

Man: "Okay, if you like it so much, go buy it."

Woman: "Oh! I saw a new 2003 model when I passed the Mercedes dealership. I like that car very much. I have talked to the salesman and he is willing to give me a pretty good price. Besides, we also need to replace last year's The BMW I bought was replaced."

Man: "Then what price does he offer?"

Woman: "Only $6."

Man: "Okay, but for the price, I want it to be fully functional."

Woman: "Great! There's something else to do before we hang up."

Male: "What's the matter?"

Woman: "It may seem like too much, but I'm referring to your bank account. I passed by the real estate agent this morning and found out that the house we had our eye on last year was up for auction! Do you remember? It was the one with the There's a swimming pool, English gardens, car park, and it's on the waterfront."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "It's only $450, which is a very reasonable price, and we still have more than enough money in the bank."

Man: "Okay, go ahead and buy it, but it has to be $420, okay?"

Woman: "No problem honey! Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!"

Man: "Goodbye! I love you too."

The man hung up, closed the phone's cover, then raised his hand holding the phone and asked everyone present:
"Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

■When others spend a lot of money generously, you must be vigilant, because there is no free lunch in the world.

◎ Turkey and cow dung

A turkey and a cow were chatting. The turkey said, "I wish I could fly to the top of the tree, but I have no strength." The cow said, "Why don't you eat some of my droppings, they are very nutritious." The turkey ate I picked up some cow dung and found that it did give me enough energy to fly to the first branch.The next day, the turkey ate more dung and flew to the second branch.Two weeks later, the turkey flew proudly to the top of the tree.But before long, a farmer saw it and quickly shot the turkey down.

■ "Cow luck" can get you to the top, but it can't keep you there forever.

◎ The wolf is coming

A wolf went out to look for food, but found nothing for a long time.Passing by a house by chance, I heard a child crying in the room, and then an old woman's voice came: "Don't cry, if you don't obey me, I will throw you out and feed you to the wolf." Squat not far away and wait.The sun went down, and the old woman did not see the child thrown out.At night, the wolf got impatient with waiting, and turned to the front of the house to wait for an opportunity to enter, and heard the old woman say: "Go to sleep, don't be afraid, the wolf is coming, let's kill it and cook it." The wolf listened , I was so frightened that I ran back to my old nest.The companion asked how it had gained, and it said: "Don't mention it, the old woman's words don't count, which made me hungry for a day, but luckily I ran fast afterwards."

■When others talk nonsense, you believe it to be true, completely unaware that many times they are just talking about you.Everything should be tried for yourself, otherwise, you will never know the truth of the matter.

◎ Everything you need
There is a billboard at the entrance of a large department store in the United States that reads: If there is no stock, there will be a fine of 10.One day, a Frenchman wanted to get the 10 yuan, so he walked around the store for a while, after looking carefully, he came to see the manager.He said, "Where is the submarine?" The manager led him to the 18th floor, and there really was a submarine.The Frenchman said again: "I still want to see the spaceship." The manager led him to the 22nd floor, and there was a new spaceship.The Frenchman refused to give up, and asked again: "Is there a woman with a belly button on her head?" The manager was stumped, and when he was speechless, a female clerk next to him replied: "I'll be a girl." Stand upside down for the guests to see."

■In life, the things that are most likely to be broken are often those that look perfect, because they are too easy to attract people's eyes and make others "find fault".Therefore, don't draw the bow too full, and leave some leeway for yourself, so that you can advance and retreat freely and have both sides.

◎ State your position
After the congressman finished his speech, other congressmen congratulated him one after another.One of them said, "Dude, you've had a great time and made it clear where you stand on every issue."

"My God!" exclaimed the MP, "did I really state my position?"

■Sometimes people need to clarify a certain issue, and sometimes vagueness is a rare cleverness.

◎ There is another saying
When the U.S. police confirm whether a suspect has committed a crime, they often let witnesses undergo a routine identification procedure.In order to enable witnesses to recognize the suspect's accent, the police stipulated that each identified suspect should say the same sentence: "Hand over all the money, I need some change."

In a police station in the United States, the first and second suspects spoke according to the requirements of the police. When it came to the third suspect, he blurted out: "That's not what I said at the time!"

■Shooting the top bird, sometimes, it's not a bad thing to be consistent with everyone.

◎ Worried about King Wen

Aizi came to the land of Qilu to preach, and there were hundreds of people who came to listen to the lecture every time.One day, when Ai Zi talked about King Wen of Zhou being imprisoned in Yuli, he happened to be summoned by King Xuan of Qi, and he answered the call before he could finish his speech.

One of the audience was fascinated, helpless, and returned home glumly. His wife asked him with concern: "You are very happy when you come home after listening to Master Ai's sermon every day. Why are you so sad today?" He said: "Early this morning, I heard Master Ai say that King Wen of Zhou is a great sage, but now he is imprisoned in Yuli by his king Yin Zhou. I feel sorry for him being imprisoned innocently, so I am very upset."

His wife wanted to comfort him, so she said: "Although King Wen is imprisoned now, he will be pardoned after a long time. How can he be imprisoned for a lifetime!" The man still sighed and said: "I don't worry about being released, but Worry about how difficult it will be for him in prison tonight."

■There is nothing wrong with being kind-hearted, but the "benevolence of a woman" is very important.If you are always sentimental about trivial things, you will lose your way in big things.

◎ useless objection

Richard Brinsley Sheridan was the most accomplished comedian in England in the late 18th century.When his first comedy "Rival" premiered, Xie Lidan took a curtain call at the behest of the audience.At this moment, a man from the balcony on the top floor of the theater yelled: "This show sucks!"

Xie Lidan bowed with a smile and said: "My friend, I completely agree with you." He shrugged, pointed at the audience in the theater who had just enthusiastically applauded the performance, and added: "However, the two of us disagree. With so many viewers, do you think it can do anything?"

■ "Wall grass" is not a commendatory term, it often describes those who have no opinion and follow the crowd.But if you can't recognize the "general trend", duplicity, and deliberately try to be different, it is inevitable that you will "stand apart from the crowd".At this time, it is better to be a "wall grass", at least it will not be considered artificial.

◎ Study fashion
A thief saw his accomplice reading "Fashion" magazine and asked in surprise: "Why, do you want to change your career to fashion?"

"Where is it? I'm researching where this year's fashion pockets will be sewn..."

■Popular is not just a concept.I used to think that fashion is only the display of models on TV, but now I can really feel that it fills our lives and affects our clothes.Regardless of whether fashion dominates us or consumption determines fashion, for us, if we cannot avoid it, we must take the initiative to accept it.

(End of this chapter)